Why do guys always dump me for my best friend? Why do they ask me out for drinks if they want something more? Why do they not ask me for drinks if I want something more? Why do they say we met at the wrong time? Why are they getting so serious so quickly? Why aren't they getting more so serious more quickly? It's a "why me???" edition of GuySpeak's Best of the Week!
Reformed Player says:
Nothing. Your friend, on the other hand....If it were different friends, I wouldn't be sure, but if it's the same friend, every time, she is poaching your boyfriends. Once is unfortunate, twice is suspicious, every time means it's time to go all Jerry Springer on her.
From the way your question sounds, she's toxic, or at least has some very bad habits. Your best friend is actually your worst dating enemy, and it's time to pack her off to steal someone else's boyfriends.
Gal Pal says:
Friends don't date friends' boyfriends. That's poor form and horrible friendship. It would be one thing if you two ladies were on the prowl at a bar and men flocked to her after chatting with both of you. But you said this happens whenever you get serious with guys. Which means this woman isn't your best friend - she's making sport out of your relationships. Time to suspend her from your life.
Chic Geek says:
Because he doesn't want to date you or be your boyfriend. He's just looking for a f-buddy, a friend with benefits, or a booty call.
Did you see Bridesmaids (No? Go see it!) In the movie, Kristen Wiig is in a go-nowhere sexual relationship with Jon Hamm's slimeball character. He doesn't want her to sleep over, is selfish in bed, and expects a road blowjay after picking her up when he car breaks down. While I doubt many women would turn down anything Jon Hamm-related, it's still a great example of the kind of situation you currently find yourself in. Maybe your guy isn't as big of a douche as Hamm's character, but he still isn't interested in anything beyond sex and maybe watching Colbert together before passing out. Does he sleep over? If so, does he bail before you wake up? Is he staying for breakfast? If you're at his place, is he making you breakfast or going out with you to brunch? If none of the above, you're not dating. You're not even really friends with benefits. Friends go out for brunch. You're just "with benefits."
I hate to break it to you, but you're not dating. You're hooking up. If you're okay with that, great. But if you want any of those basic dating things (dinner, coffee, bowling, a conversation about anything other than sex and what time he'll be coming over and leaving), you might want to call it quits and find a new guy. Because if he wanted to date you, he would have already taken you on dates. Do you want to date a guy who has no interest in dating you? Gauge his reaction to dating, sure. But you shouldn't have to do that. This guy is giving you clear signs that he's just interested in a no-strings-attached, no-effort-required, hook-up when he feels like it situation. If this isn't what you want, it's time for a change.
Gal Pal says:
Nick's dead on. I can't think of a more perfect illustration of this scenario than Kristen Wiig's relationship in Bridesmaids. It should be required viewing for all young woman so they can realize, "Oh yeah, I don't have to pretend I'm OK with being treated like crap and kicked out of bed...and the guy I'm hooking up with has nowhere near the hot platter Jon Hamm is serving up." There are plenty of guys out there who'd love to take you bowling. I hope you get out of your f-buddy's bed and go find one of the good guys.
Wise-Ass says:
Absolutely. It happens all the time. The wrong time in his life, the wrong time in your life, or both. And for any number of reasons--getting over a hard breakup, being in a relationship with someone else, physical separation, whatever.
As for the odds that something could become of it later, I have no idea. I do know that it happens--how many times have you heard about people who dated in high school or college, married other people and then ended up together again years later? I don't know how often these things occur, but they do happen sometimes.
The challenge, I suppose, is deciding whether or not you are willing to wait for the obstacle(s) between you two to go away so you can be together. You could be waiting a long time, and there's a lot to be said for getting on with your life. It really depends on the obstacle. In your case, getting over a hard breakup won't take as long as some of the other things that could come between you, so it might be worth waiting for. Obviously, that's a decision only you can make.
If you do decide to wait, I wouldn't pass up other opportunities to date. Life is too short to sit on the sidelines and watch it go by, especially since there is no guarantee that you and this guy will be a good match if and when you do finally get together.
Gal Pal says:
As many of the commenters pointed out, if he says he's not ready, he's not ready. People usually tell us everything we need to know...we just have to learn to actually hear it. So let him go. Plunge yourself into new work, old friends, interesting men. If it's meant to be, you'll hear from him when he's moved on. But don't stop living your life in exchange for a fleeting future maybe.
Funny Guy says:
Well, that in itself is the beauty (and curse) of "hey, let's get a drink sometime." It can pass as a social hang, or a gateway activity to a blowjob or long term relationship. There is both insinuation and innocence in the invitation. From the dawn of the first cave man bar 'til the last Tequila Hut is standing on earth, "the drink" is a way to move a relationship forward.
But there are no fail-proof way to decode just how forward. Maybe he wants both. For the most part you need to assess the facts leading up to the invite: Ask yourself: What do I know about this dude? And up to now, what's been the nature of our relationship. Here six signs that a guy wants to learn about your vagina, not about your fondest memories growing up on Martha's Vineyard:
- He's already drunk when he asks you
- He wants you to come out on very short notice
- He wants you to come out after 11pm
- You can hear his friends in the background
- He has pretty much ignored you in the past, but suddenly wants to get a drink with you
- You know for a fact he asked your friend out an hour ago and she said no
Gal Pal says:
Interesting, because I see "let's meet for a drink" as a sophisticated invitation for a first date - it nails the sweet spot between the youngish "let's get coffee" and the over-committed "let's have dinner and buy a house together." You know the best way to find out? See if 1) he actually picks a day and time in advance. 2) Go for the drinks and see how he behaves.
Girls' BFF says:
Don't be skerred. Sorry, couldn't resist. Is it too fast? Possibly. Possibly not. The only people who determine that are you and him. I will say that two weeks is an extremely short amount of time to meet, hell, everybody and get your own drawer in a house. But it isn't altogether the most outlandish thing ever either.
I read some story about a couple who met in, like, Arizona, got married after 10 days and have been married for the past 30 years. They couldn't be happier. It's just about finding the right person. I understand why you don't to get hurt but the truth is, do you think slowing down this ship is going to prevent that? You can get hurt by somebody you've been with forever. Just ask Maria Shriver.
I think what you're getting at is that you afraid to let yourself go into the love this man is showing you and are afraid that it will stop or that the other shoe will drop. And it's possible, be it two weeks or two years. Or maybe it never will because the Rapture is coming in October instead of this past May and you'll never make it long enough for the shoe to drop. It's kind of what makes life worth living.
I can't in good faith tell you to just trust this man's impulses (that's what it sounds like, he goes really hard really quickly) so maybe just let him know that it might be moving faster than you're ready for and that you need to slow down a bit to enjoy the ride. He'll probably understand even if he doesn't agree. But if he really likes you like that, then hey, good luck, Chuck. And I do think age might play a part in it. He's out of a marriage, maybe he liked the married life and wants that again. Talk to him about that.
Gal Pal says:
I disagree. You should most definitely slow down this ship!! If he's the perfect guy, if this is the perfect relationship, it will still be perfect a few months from now. Be wary of fast wooing - be wary of things that feel too good to be true. Time is often the best judge of character (Arnold offered plenty of hints at his infidelity early on), so let the calendar flip a few times before you get sucked into something serious, especially with children involved. For their sake, keep your head on your shoulders and your wits about you. Fast love is in dangerous territory - here be dragons.
Mystery Man says:
She needs time - you give her time. You in a rush or something? And yes, her kids have priority. That is both right and normal. Between the kids and work, she probably has little to no time to herself to unwind from the stresses of the day. You can help with that.
Let her relax. Something as simple as cooking her dinner works well as an unwinder. A cuddle on the couch with a favorite film. Go out occasionally, sure, it is important to get her out of the house, but not too often at first. Put her first. Not for any secret plan, but because she needs and deserves it.
Gal Pal says:
Update! The questioner just informed us that his busy lady invited him on a camping trip with her kids this weekend. I hope he makes them all smores, helps with the tent and enjoys the fact that she's sharing a few hours of free time with him - here's to a happy ending for everyone this weekend!
Carrie
Why do guys always dump me for my best friend?
Well I can't tell perhaps there is a communication problem and the "best friend" makes no bones about her designs, Are you the open and friendly one and she is taking the food out of your mouth or are you wishy-washy?
Why do they ask me out for drinks if they want something more?
Drinks allows people to see if there is any attraction.
Why do they not ask me for drinks if I want something more?
How do you communicate something more?
Why do they say we met at the wrong time?
Because that can be very true
Why are they getting so serious so quickly?
What is serious to you?
Why aren't they getting more so serious more quickly?
See above > communication ie mixed messages both word and deed must match.
Suggestion: watch your friend vid her interacting and study it later See her body language.
Get someone to do the same for you. Notice something?
Read about body language. see if your body and words and mind are on the same page!
!
let me add you all the why's? Are you enjoying your life have financial and retirement goals? The real important things in life that will be there down the road how about Dental,rental health insurance?