He says he's not ready for a relationship - does that mean he hates me? He invites me over for sex then kicks me out - are we cool? He says he loves me after just three weeks - do I love him back? It's a romantic rollercoaster of he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not on GuySpeak's Best of the Week!
I have a friend who invited me to his house for sex. I get there, and he proceeds to tell me that "he can't because he has a lady friend that he has been seeing for 3 weeks." This blew me away!!! He still calls me and makes little hints. What should I do??
Chic Geek says:
Stop hooking up with him. Ignore his booty calls, booty texts, booty IMs, booty Facebook messages, booty Tweets. This guy's a scumbag for keeping you on the side while also dating someone. He called you up for sex and then suddenly gets a conscience and doesn't want to cheat on the new girl he's seeing? Ugh. Who does that? On the disrespectful scale, that's a 10.
I'm assuming the girl he's seeing called or texted while you were on the way over, and he suddenly decided he didn't want to be a complete piece of s--t to two women. It's hard to accept, but he clearly has more respect for the other girl than you. Right now, you're his fallback in case things with the "lady friend" turn sour. Thus, the calls and hints about fooling around. My guess is she doesn't know about you, which makes things even worse. He's seeing someone but still keeping you in his back pocket. Why do you want to be his, as they say on Boardwalk Empire, "back alley Betty"?
Clearly you have feelings for him if you're at all conflicted after the way he treated you. The smartest thing you can do is to cut him out of your life. Stand up for yourself and end things immediately. Also, feel free to let him know what a massive douchemonkey he is.
Gal Pal says:
Dating two girls at once doesn't make him a scumbag (unless he's promised exclusivity to one or both of you). Choosing another girl over you doesn't make him a scumbag. But inviting you over for sex and then kicking you out? Oh, the scumbaggery!! Nick's right - cut all traces of him from your life IMMEDIATELY. This is only going to get worse (trust me) - especially if he's still "hinting" that he wants to get with you while he's with his other lady friend.
Be the girl a real man wants to be with, not the girl some doucheboy wants to be with when his girlfriend's busy. And if you really want to do a solid for the other women he's lying to? Send him this text: "Had a great chat with your 'ladyfriend.' Never contact me again." Then seriously never contact him again.
I'm afraid he's developing feelings, and I'm not. I like him and I don't know that I won't fall for him, but I'm afraid he's gonna feel more strongly than I do. Do I have to bail before I hurt him, or can I see how things go?
You're "afraid" he's developing feelings; you don't know for sure. You might fall for him in the future, but you might not. This whole scenario is one big "What if?," and it sounds like something you cooked up in your head late one night when you couldn't go to sleep.
I commend you for being concerned about his feelings; most people are not that considerate. But I think it's much too soon to make any moves. If you were certain that he was falling for you, and certain that you had no interest in him, I'd say yes, be frank with him. But you simply don't have enough information yet. I think you should stick with it and see what happens. You like the guy, and he seems to like you, so give your relationship a chance to develop. If it becomes more evident later than your feelings for each other are not mutual, then you can think about ending it, but don't break up with someone over guesswork and assumptions.
Gal Pal says:
Feelings are never 100 percent certain in relationships, but if you have a strong hunch as to the way the love scales are tipping, listen to it. As with the tough-love concept of "he's just not that into you," you know in your heart of hearts when he's "just so into you" and you're "just want to be friends with him."
Women often try to push down or explain away our romantic gut reactions, which only leads to Katherine Heigle-fueled delusions. If you're not feeling the special tinglies for this guy - and you get a sense that he is - it's best to take a little break to protect his heart. I'm not saying your feelings (or his) won't change or grow with time - but you won't know for sure without a little space.
Reformed Player says:
Most of the time, people tell you exactly what they want and what they're thinking. It's the interpretation that screws everything up. Some people aren't onions. At best, their like lemons. Just one peel and you're there. Don't psychoanalyze this dude. He told you he's "not ready for a relationship." Take it at face value. Why isn't he ready? He probably doesn't know, and playing amateur shrink won't help him or you.
Being told "I'm not ready for a relationship" is deeply frustrating. Is he feeding you a line? Is he a drama queen, like so many players? Is he actually confused about what he wants or conflicted about whether he can live up to the responsibility that a relationship demands? I don't know. You don't either. It hurts, but if he says he's not ready for a relationship, then listen to him and steer clear. Don't take it as a challenge. Because I've seen this happen. In six months you'll get fed up because he's not behaving like a boyfriend. He'll say "I told you so!"
Who really knows why we do the things we do. We can only try to not repeat our past mistakes, and that takes looking to the future rather than strip-mining the past. Give him time to figure his sh!t out. He might never. You shouldn't tag along for the ride. If he ever gets ready for a relationship, he'll catch up.
Gal Pal says:
I adore John's lemon-onion analogy because I think we ladies always want to make men into complex abstract paintings that demand mountains of time, emotional analysis and introspective analysis. Most of the time, however, they're just paint-by-numbers who give us the same factory-engineered result. Every single time.
Take a hard look at the numbers - they're already telling you how things are going to look when you finally stop painting things over in your mind.
I've been seeing this guy for little over a month now and about 3 weeks into the "relationship" he sent me a text telling me he wants me to love him...just then he told me he loves me...is this possible?
Girl's BFF says:
The better question is, how LIKELY is it that dude really loves you? And to that end, probably not very. He may think he's in love with you, but he's in love with the idea of being in love with the things he knows about you thus far. Of course, that assumes you all aren't spending every minute of every hour (possible) with one another as well.
Some people meet on a Monday and are married by Friday and remain that way for the next fifty years. Anything is possible when it comes to love and feelings. I do think that it can take a while to really truly get to know somebody to know if you really love them, unconditionally, like real love is supposed to be based on. But I do think it's possible to realize that you're in love with somebody rather quickly. Heck since I wrote this, I fell in love with you and I don't even know you at all. Not even a little bit.
Ooops, there it went. That was fleeting. But for those few moments, what we had was real, girl.
What you might want to do is just let your guy know that you're not quite there yet but it's possible for you to get there assuming he isn't creepy or pressing the issue - which he kind of did by telling you he loved you so quickly. Um, viva la love.
Gal Pal says:
First of all, I love you too. Second of all, you should tell him that it's great that he loves you! It makes you happy that he figured out how loveable you are in just a few weeks. But that for you, it takes a lot more time, experiences, conversation - and possibly jewelry - before you know if you love someone.
Thanks for playing, guys and girls! LYLAS!!