In the movie "No Strings Attached," out this Friday, Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher try to decide if a friends-with-benefits relationship can really work. But what if you're ready to go from no strings attached to ALL strings attached?
Whether you've been seeing a great guy for five years or five days, how do you get him to pop the question before you pop from frustration? (We should point out that most psychologists and family therapists advise against manipulating or coercing anyone into an engagement.)
"I don't think anybody should be trying to get their boyfriend to propose to them," says marriage and family therapist Cory Honickman, whose website, TheMarriagePrepAdventureSeries.com, coaches couples before they tie the knot. "That's a huge red flag," she adds.
Still, a little nudge can't hurt, right? So I asked my happily married friends, co-workers and neighbors how they got their husbands to propose. Here are some of their surprising answers:
Don't be too eager.
A 32-year-old married lady in Los Angeles brags that she was insistent on a long courtship, which seemed to spur her boyfriend on the engagement track. "I actually told him I didn't want to be married until we hit the two-year dating mark," she says. "Maybe that helped?" Guess so, since he proposed right on schedule.
One New York woman, who's been happily married for more than 40 years, offers this advice on snagging a ring: "I found the best thing with my boyfriend - now husband - was to have an inordinate and unreasonable amount of patience," she says. "I knew he was the one, but I didn't rush him. I knew he'd come around."
Bake him a chicken.
There's something about an aromatic hot meal that leaves men drooling for more - of you! In 2004, Glamour magazine published a famous recipe for "engagement chicken," which gained cult status because of the many proposals this fabulous fowl supposedly produced. Many women swear that baking this chicken is what finally made their boyfriends seem them as "wife" material.
Sounds a bit sexist, "Mad Men" to us. But hey, if you're in a hurry to hit the aisle, it can't hurt to turn on the oven once in awhile. A 32-year-old occupational therapist from Minneapolis tells us that she came across the recipe while dating her husband-to-be.
"I do admit to making it once, although nothing could get my husband to propose any faster," she says. "It took him four years of dating, three years of living together and a joint real estate purchase."
Aha - that sounds a lot more 2011. But who knows, maybe the bird got the ball rolling?
Bring it up in conversation.
Obvious, right? Not so much. Many women are afraid to even bring up the topic of marriage, for fear of scaring their possible future fiancé away. Yet these same women feel frustrated that their guy hasn't gotten down on one knee.
Honickman suggests being "really open and honest about what you want, and articulating that to the person you love in a way they understand."
"Even if you get an answer you don't want to hear - it might hurt at first, but it's doing you a favor in the long run if [that] person doesn't want to get married."
Take matters into your own hands.
One Iowa teacher who'd been dating her boyfriend for a few years moved things along with a two-pronged approach.
First, she followed the advice of the classic rock song "Paradise by the Dashboard Light," by not giving "it" up until her guy promised to love her forever. But she also wasn't afraid to reach for her checkbook.
"Technically, I bought the ring and paid his way through law school," she says. "So maybe bribery works?"
Another proactive strategy: follow the example of my best friend's mother, who began sewing her wedding dress after the first date with her future husband!
No ultimatums.
You may think presenting a take-it-or-leave-it approach to your guy will lead to him presenting you with a ring. Not so fast, says Honickman.
"Ultimatums don't work," she warns. "And if you have to give a guy an ultimatum or convince him... there's a lack of communication or something missing in the relationship. So it might not be such a great idea to be married in the first place."
She encourages women not to walk away from a relationship, in hopes their boyfriend will suddenly miss them enough to propose.
"Don't give up so easily," she says. "Especially before you have a conversation with him about marriage."
What do you think is the best way to get a guy to propose?
If you have to "get him" to do it, it's probably not something that will work out in the long run. Starting a marriage on manipulation is not the best way to do it, speaking from experience.
I think that's an important and valid point. I like to think of these situations as just a little help with the timing when you both already know you want to get married.
I think the question isn't so much how to "get him" to propose, but why has he not proposed? AND if there's no good reason, move on to find a man who will propose. Sometimes it's a matter of timing, like waiting to finish school, get a job, buy a house, or just be a bit older. Other times, it could just mean he doesn't want to get married or he doesn't want to marry you. It's like Kenny Rogers says: 'you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em'
I disagree about no ultimatums. I lived with my boyfriend (now husband) for three long years during which he wouldn't commit to marriage. We talked about it, cried about it (ok, I cried, he mostly looked ashamed), and pounded the subject into the dirt. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me forever and wanted to even have children with me, but not get get married. He felt like his dad was "trapped" with his mom, whom he doesn't get along with very well.
I said no way to the kids without marriage thing and tried to wait it out. No dice. What finally did it was me getting sick of it and telling him I was leaving. I was going to be 30 in a couple of years and if he didn't want to marry me, I'd wasted enough time and would go find someone who did. Once he saw that I was serious and it wasn't just an empty threat, BAM! - that was it. We got married a couple of months later and have been very happily married for 10 years.
He says he's so glad I forced the issue and that I was right and that he was stupid. He admitted this on his own, by the way, it wasn't me going, "See???? Wasn't I right???"
Admittedly, this will not work with all men. If he doesn't really want to be with you forever, you're walking out the door will be a relief. I say it's better to find out than coast along in relationship purgatory forever.
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