Is he cheating on you? I don't know. Probably? It's better to be safe than sorry, girl. A recent article in a popular woman's magazine says he is. Who am I to argue with such literature? They use scientific science! They'd never exploit a common female insecurity and make the lives of millions of men miserable.
There are various ways to tell if he's a cheater. The best way is to consult your Palantir, one of the Middle-Earth seeing-stones made by Feanor in Aman during the Elder Days, which were given by the Elves to the Numenoreans until the Second Age. Mine looks like this:
Usually, I just see trolls knitting or Discovery Channel. Once, I got drunk and peered into my magical, obsidian stone and saw the Facebook page of this chick I was dating. She had "liked" something her boyfriend posted and I was all "Nu-uh." Maybe I was just drunk.
But there are other ways to tell if he's cheating. Paranoia is hoping for the worse, and planning for the worst. You can dress like a ficus tree and hide in his apartment. Just plant yourself in his living room and watch him eat pizza bagels and play XBOX. And if he suddenly realizes he doesn't actually own a ficus tree, you can jump out and mace him. He's probably cheating if he says "AAHHHH," or "IT HURTS" or "Why you so crazy, crazy lady!"
If you can't make your own ficus tree suit, you could play "bad cop/good cop." Except that you'd be both bad and good cop. Switching it up at random. One minute you'll be all "I made you brownies, baby!" And the next "I know you're cheating on me!" Then return to "I luff you, buttersnuggles" and when he's comfortable, shout "I know what you did!" A few weeks of that and he'll either crack or dump you. Which is fine, since he's cheating on you.
Ask yourself the following questions. If you answer "yes," to any of them, then he's cheating.
1. Is he happy?
2. When you kiss him, does he smell like your friend Amanda?
3. Does he listen to you?
4. Is his penis in another woman's vagina?
5. Does he inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide?
6. Does he say things like "I love you," or "Good morning," or "Will you marry me?"
7. Does he know any women other than you?
8. At night, does his penis talk in its sleep? Does it snicker?
9. When he sneezes, do used panties fly out of his nose?
10. Do all your friends tell you how lucky you are? Are they all skanky whores?
Another way to tell if he's cheating is to create a voodoo doll. It's really easy. Just cut some of his hair or collect his toenails from the empty beer cans he clips them in, and Scotch tape them to an old Beanie Baby or one of his action figures. Carry this potent totem around in your purse, and every so often, pinch it really hard in it's private parts. If homeboy hobbles home, he's totes dogging on you.
Have you checked his e-mail? Because amongst us pa-lay-as, it's common to refer to our hootchies on the side as "Mom." And "Please send money" is code for "I can't wait to deepwater drill your gulf!" Also: "I don't want to write Grandma" means "My stupid girlfriend will never find out about all six of us! BWAH-HA-HA-HA!"
But the most foolproof way to tell if he's cheating. It's called the "sniff test." Smell his fingers. Do they smell like lies? They will. Just wait.
Does his penis talk/snicker- I can totally see that being in Family Guy....
Smell his fingers! Funny.
Listen to your instincts (as long as you're not a crazy-ass jealous type generally) and they'll steer you right.
I also read in a magazine that if his ring finger is longer than his pointer, he's a cheater. WHAT!! All these magz are crazy, and are turning women even more paranoid.
I'm pretty sure it can't actually tell who's a cheater, but I think the difference between finger lengths in men is an indicator of testosterone levels. You could argue men with higher levels are more likely to cheat (because they're supposed to have higher sex drives), but you'd be ignoring many other factors. I believe they use these measurements to predict athletic performance. Supposedly, something like 4 times out of 5 men who get first places in races have higher levels of testosterone as indicated by finger lengths. There's a similar measurement for women, I think. Either way, the magazine thing is nonsense.
My two cents on men who're more *likely* to cheat, good dancers. Women will go after them like crazy, so they usually have many more oportunities to cheat than most other guys. Then again, there's a lot not being considered, such as the reasons why anyone would cheat, which would have nothing to do (except in rare cases) with dancing skills.
Best. Post. Ever.
I can't stop laughing!! This is a masterpiece of bloggage.
There was so much awesomeness in the post. I'm pretty sure my head almost exploded.
Reminds me of that famous Youtube hip-hop classic, "Smell Yo Dick" Insecurity sank to an all-time low with that hit tune....
AWESOME!!!! I agree with the above post - I think my head exploded
9. When he sneezes... lmao
A man is as faithful as his options!
Most men step out once and a while but what you want to know " Is do you have a real cheater on your hands"? The kind of cheater that doesn't descrimate and has absolutely no respect for you. If you think that's the type of man you're dealing with you'd better find out before you catch something you can't get rid of. It's been my experience that no matter what a man portrays to the world most men cheat and if you doubt that then why is pognography, strip clubs, and prostitution such big business? Who are the consumers for these types of businesses? "MEN"! If men were so faithful and only desiring of their mates then these businesses wouldn't be so lucrative.
I don't care how in love you think you are, you'd better keep your eyes open, expect the best but don't be "no fool"! When it comes to your man, because at the end of the day.......he's just a man like any other!
A man is as faithful as his options!
Most men step out once and a while but what you want to know " Is do you have a real cheater on your hands"? The kind of cheater that doesn't descrimate and has absolutely no respect for you. If you think that's the type of man you're dealing with you'd better find out before you catch something you can't get rid of. It's been my experience that no matter what a man portrays to the world most men cheat and if you doubt that then why is pornography, strip clubs, and prostitution such big business? Who are the consumers for these types of businesses? "MEN"! If men were so faithful and only desiring of their mates then these businesses wouldn't be so lucrative.
I don't care how in love you think you are, you'd better keep your eyes open, expect the best but don't be "no fool"! When it comes to your man, because at the end of the day.......he's just a man like any other!
Weird. I've never had a man cheat on me. But then, I'm not paranoid and sexist, so maybe I'm missing something.
Looking at porn or watching a stripper are cheating? Seriously? I don't know anyone that has a problem with their partner watching porn. Finding others attractive is normal and healthy - doesn't mean someone is going to act on it.
Buttersnuggles. 'Nuff said.
Men do not need to "step out once in a while".
no one does ...not ALL men cheat.
Some do love ..and know what respect is...for their wives and families.
Is he a liar? Are you?
This article is hilarious. Thank you for making me laugh out loud!
This article is hilarious. Thank you for making me laugh out loud!
What a lovely day for a 3158014! SCK was here
What a lovely day for a 4641413! SCK was here
What a lovely day for a 173721! SCK was here
What a lovely day for a 3189716! SCK was here
What a lovely day for a 2130102! SCK was here
I've found a great way to catch a cheater out!! My bf was spending more and more time away with work and becoming very protective over his mobile. We were supposed to be getting married and i was very suspicious of his increasinly dodgy behaviour, so i hired someone to test his faithfulness at www.honeytraponline.weebly.com.
I'm really glad i did because within 2 weeks i had solid proof that he was cheating on me - saved me the heartache and expense of a divorce!!!
I've found a great way to catch a cheater out!! My bf was spending more and more time away with work and becoming very protective over his mobile. We were supposed to be getting married and i was very suspicious of his increasinly dodgy behaviour, so i hired someone to test his faithfulness at www.honeytraponline.weebly.com.
I'm really glad i did because within 2 weeks i had solid proof that he was cheating on me - saved me the heartache and expense of a divorce!!!
4 surefire ways to tell if he is cheating or lying. 1--Does he have a penis?? 2-Does he have a right testicle? 3-Does he have a left testicle? 4-Does he talk? If you answered yes to any of the above, you have your answer.