The best way to tell if your boyfriend is lying is to waterboard him. First, you'll need a couple of strong men to subdue him. A pair of garden variety thugs will do. You can usually find them at dive bars. You might also want to check empty warehouses districts at midnight. Look for tattoos of skulls on fire. You'll want one with a name like "Crusher," or "Knuckles," or "Deathsnake." Pay in cash.
The next step is to subdue him. The element of surprise is important. I recommend purchasing moustaches and spirit gum from a Halloween costume shop. You'll need a black van, too. A tire iron should do the trick. A shovel. Tranquilizer guns are expensive, and one need be a sure shot, so don't risk it. Just crack him upside the head. When he comes to, make sure he is securely blindfolded and lashed to a plank or a board. Now, this is important, the plank has to be set up at a 15 to 20 degree angle, so his feet are above his head. Place a damp towel on his face so the water clings to his skin, and so he can't spit water out. Now... just slowly pour water into his upturned nose and mouth. Don't worry -- the water stays in his throat, mouth and sinuses. He'll only feel like he's drowning. He will panic. Most people can only last fourteen seconds. He'll tell you what you want hear very quickly. He'll tell you what you want to hear, even if it isn't the truth. But, man, won't it feel good to be right!
There are no other ways to tell if he's lying. Some experts claim there are subtle physical ticks or changes in behavior that can indicate whether someone is lying. A flush face, itchy scalp, or averted eyes. In poker, they call them "tells." Of course, anyone who really bets on a "tell" is either rich or an amateur. Someone with a boner for losing money. There are some experts who say that you can tell a person is lying when they talk too much, and over explain. But some people are just long-winded. A popular magazine suggests that if his hands are in his pockets, he's hiding something. A candy bar? Warts? Lady-fingers? A body language expert recently wrote that if he uses his index finger to rub underneath his nose, then he's lying. Maybe his finger smells like bellybutton. I think all body language experts should be renamed body language unicorns, because I'd be more prone to swallow their paranoid snake oil. I had a female friend who was convinced that her boyfriend was lying to her when he breathed through his nose. Of course, unfortunately, he was lying to her... during sinus season. She suspected nothing while his nose was stuffy. He had lied about losing his job, which he had when he was breathing freely, thunderously, through his proboscis. But the point is: she couldn't tell when he was lying.
There's a reason lie detectors aren't admissible in court. It's because they are far from perfect. The entire process of taking a lie detector test is an elaborate theatrical event designed to intimidate. Make the person sweat. Contradict statements. Apply psychological pressure. You can defeat a polygraph by sneaking a tack in your shoe. When the interviewer asks you a control question, like "Is your name Nick Nadel," sharply press on the tack with your toe. The pain response will throw off all the sensors looking for changes in heartbeat and breath. Lie detectors exist to make balls swampy. At least waterboarding produces results. Wildly unreliable results. Don't thank me, just doing my job.
The only way you can tell if he's lying is to wait for him to screw up. Liars always do, and you don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure it out either. I had a girlfriend once who was still very attached to her ex-boyfriend. I didn't think they were going at it. It wasn't fishy, but she made a big deal about how it wasn't a big thing. I trusted her. She gave me a speech one day about how she never sees her ex. I didn't prompt the speech, but it was lovely. Later in the day, she was out the door, absentmindedly looking for her keys, throwing a granola bar into her purse, it was a flurry of activity. "Where ya going?" I asked from the couch. "I'm late to see Tim." Tim. Her ex. We weren't meant to have starbabies.
If he's lying, the lies will come to you. They won't hide. That is the truth. In the meantime, try picking up some faith. It's free! The popular magazine I referenced earlier loves to press the fear button, and wants you to believe that all men are potential liars. Well, the converse is true. All men are potential tellers of truth. Half full or half empty? I approach every relationship wanting the best, because even if the worst happens, at least I had a nice time up until then. Faith is calorie-free. Fear tastes great, but it's spiritually fattening. Don't be afraid of what lurks in the dark. Usually, it's just a chair or table. Harmless. Bruised shins heal. Sure, there are things that go bump in the night. Faith is a giant marshmallow suit that helps you bump back and keep on waddling forward.
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