I grew up poor - is it
wrong to prefer dating guys who have money? I'm dating a guy uses the
excuse that he's a man for not doing his fair share - what's he talkin'
about? I've noticed my boyfriend started moaning during sex - does that
means he's cheating? I slept with my ex - does that means he still
loves me? I want to know what love is - do you want to show me? So many
questions - so many great answers. GuySpeak's Best of the Week!
I was born into a poor family and money has always been an issue. Now that I'm older (23), is it immoral or shallow to only want to date successful/wealthier men? I am not a gold digger, but I want to live a comfortable life as an adult, unlike my childhood, which was poverty stricken and unstable. Thanks.
Wise Ass says:
Consciously or not, we all approach relationships with our own particular needs and biases that are formed by our individual life experiences up to that point. For example, someone who grew up in a loud household where everyone screamed at each other might seek out a soft-spoken mate. An only child who grew up lonely might prefer a partner who has lots of siblings. Someone who grew up an Army brat might prefer a mate with a similar nomadic background. We all have criteria that are important to us.
In your case, the need is financial comfort, and as someone who also grew up poor, I get it. The problem with that particular bias is that it comes with a stigma attached-- the gold-digger label--even though I don't consider you one. A gold-digger is someone so desperate to marry money that she'll jump on the first guy that comes along with a fat wallet, regardless of whether or not she loves him. (Think Anna Nicole Smith and that dude who was, like, 250.) I don't get that sense from you; all you're saying is that you would prefer to marry someone with a bright future who can provide for you and your family. In my book, that makes you pretty normal.
I want to throw a couple of caveats at you, though. One is that you will have difficulty finding many guys your age who are already financially set, so unless you intend to date much older guys, you are limiting your dating pool significantly. Second, you should keep in mind that financial comfort is a fickle mistress. I know a lot of unemployed bankers who would have looked like a sure thing to you a couple of years ago. You cannot predict the future, so picking a guy based primarily on financial promise is a dicey proposition. If you marry for money, what happens when the money disappears? What else is left between you?
My point: it's fine to want financial stability, but not at the expense of love. Hopefully you can find both in one neatly wrapped package, but love often appears in unexpected places. If you fall head over heels for a college dropout who tends bar for a living, will you reject him--and your own heart--because his financial future seems bleak? It's not wrong to have criteria for a mate, but I still believe that the best criterion of all is someone who makes your heart smile, your knees buckle and your loins quiver. When you find that person, he may or may not be successful, so don't be surprised if you are someday faced with a choice.
Gal Pal says:
As my grandmother used to say, of course you should marry for love. But it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is to fall in love with a poor one.
What's your definition of love?
Mystery Man says:
Would that all questions were so easy.
Gal Pal says:
Here's how Lao Tzu explained it: "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
What does it mean when a man tells you "I am a man after all" several times in a conversation when you are talking about things?
Girls' BFF says:
For one, it means they actually think that's a viable excuse, and for b, they're probably not prone to change much, one way or another, because of the first one.
While I do think that many of life's little nuance has its rooting in our gender, I do think that the vast majority of things have nothing to do with our our wangs or vags. I had a chick tell me once that she was difficult because she was a girl. I quickly gave her the old heave (a) ho because if she thinks its okay to be difficult because she's a girl, well, that relationship was going to go down in flames anyway.
Plus, do you know how many things you can technically get away with if, "I am a man after all" is a legit excuse? Allow me to provide some:
-socks on the floor
-sleeping with another woman while in a relationship
-not listening
-playing video games all day
-not changing diapers
not watching chick flicks
The list is really endless.
So anyway, you should probably check him on that next time and ask him what that means and if he really thinks some things just are as they are because he's a man. And what all does his list of "man things" entail. It might save you some trouble down the road if he's as ridiculous as he has the potential to be.
Gal Pal says:
Tell him he's nowhere close to being a man. You'll let him know when he gets there.
I like a guy who says he likes me too, but he told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship because he says he gets stressed with family issues and school and so forth and when he gets stressed he takes it out on people, but he only says that because that's what happened w/his last GF, will he ever be ready for me???
Reformed Player says:
First, don't downplay what he did to his previous girlfriend, especially if he's not. If he's that concerned about it, then you need to be too, even if he is trying to mend his ways.
Secondly, honestly, this is going to be a hard road. Abuse really boils down to a broken coping mechanism: people are taught from an early age that hurting someone you love when you're angry at them is a good strategy, and that can take years to break. This isn't a "read a book and take a deep breath" type of problem. He needs to make time and go to a therapist who specializes in working in abuse cases.
The key thing here, though, is this: he knows he has a problem, he knows the abuse is wrong, and he wants to change. But that change has to come from him.
Gal Pal says:
He's telling you he's not ready for a relationship. That dating stresses him out. That he "takes it out" on his girlfriends. That's all you need to know. Find someone who is delighted to be with you - not stressed about hurting you. This guy might mature eventually and with help. But he's not ready for primetime dating now.
My long term boyfriend never used to moan while we have sex but just recently he's started to. I'm paranoid that he's "faking it" with the moaning (not with finishing - he finishes). As if he's not really into me but he's trying to make himself feel more excited by fake moaning. Fake it til you make it, ya know?
Funny Guy says:
And now, let's explore glass half empty. Long term sex has yielded day-to-day sex fatigue. What used to be amazing nut-slapping-nipple-thrill sex is now nut-slapping-nipple-chill sex with no thrill or amazement to speak of -- so yes, your man is "pushing" for more.
But, even if we are dealing with more of a glass empty than full situation, it's far from a major issue. On its own his moaning doesn't mean he's grabbing at straws and your sex life/relationship is doomed. It just means he's adding a new erotic element to your mix. Remember your relationship and sex life is a living organism. It needs to evolve and grow; it needs to reinvent itself at times to remain relevant - to ensure it survives.
I've given you some ideas and insights. But that will only serve you so far. The final analysis requires something more: you asking him (preferably not while he's moaning) -- a. he won't hear you and b. he's in the groove or trying to be. Sure, it will be embarrassing for a moment to call him out on his audible repertoire, but don't forget you guys are long term lovers. You can handle some candid moan talk. Once the source is discovered you can figure out if you are actually dealing with a bone moan or bone groan.
Gal Pal says:
Have you seen any other signs of cheating? If not, I don't think you should ask him. Just enjoy! Take the moaning and run.
I just slept w/ my ex. He has a girlfriend, but says he "melts" and "folds" when he see's me...
Chic Geek says:
Sorry, but it sounds more like you "melted" and "folded" for him. He sweet-talked you into sleeping with him behind his girlfriend's back. If being in your presence really caused him to feel that way, why didn't he break up with his girlfriend before sleeping with you? Why does he still need to be with the girlfriend? I hate to say it, but you feel for the number one weapon in a cheating guy's arsenal: sweet talk.
It's the oldest trick in the book -- he's making you feel nostalgic for your relationship while also flattering you. He played the whole "I can't resist you" card, turning the fact that he cheated back on you. It's almost like he made it your fault: "I don't want to cheat, but I just can't resist you." It's a weird underhanded compliment; he's making you feel good about yourself and how you make him feel, while also making you the other woman.
If he genuinely had feelings for you, not just feelings of lust, he would have held off until his relationship had ended. He would have told you that he loves you and wants only you, broken up with the girlfriend and then slept with you. But now he's made it seem like him cheating was somehow your fault, that he wasn't going to do it but then being around you caused him to "fold." That's B.S. -- he was planning on sleeping you from the moment you started hanging out. This whole business of you making him "melt" is just a tactic for sleeping with you. Clearly he's still attracted to you and has feelings, but they're not genuine enough to do more than sweet talk you into bed while he's still in a relationship. So don't let him off the hook so easy. You both messed up. While I'm sure he's attracted to you, it's not like you're some all-powerful siren goddess from Clash of the Titans or something. He could have resisted temptation and waited until he was single to make a move. Now he needs to do the right thing and come clean with the girlfriend. Then do what he should have done earlier and break up with her. She deserves better. You both do. Find a guy who will "melt with you," not one who uses pretty words to get what he wants.
Gal Pal says:
Until he folds his current girlfriend into the "break up" stack, stop all the melting at once!
That's it for this week. Thanks for playing, guys and girls!
Wise Ass says:
Consciously or not, we all approach relationships with our own particular needs and biases that are formed by our individual life experiences up to that point. For example, someone who grew up in a loud household where everyone screamed at each other might seek out a soft-spoken mate. An only child who grew up lonely might prefer a partner who has lots of siblings. Someone who grew up an Army brat might prefer a mate with a similar nomadic background. We all have criteria that are important to us.
In your case, the need is financial comfort, and as someone who also grew up poor, I get it. The problem with that particular bias is that it comes with a stigma attached-- the gold-digger label--even though I don't consider you one. A gold-digger is someone so desperate to marry money that she'll jump on the first guy that comes along with a fat wallet, regardless of whether or not she loves him. (Think Anna Nicole Smith and that dude who was, like, 250.) I don't get that sense from you; all you're saying is that you would prefer to marry someone with a bright future who can provide for you and your family. In my book, that makes you pretty normal.
I want to throw a couple of caveats at you, though. One is that you will have difficulty finding many guys your age who are already financially set, so unless you intend to date much older guys, you are limiting your dating pool significantly. Second, you should keep in mind that financial comfort is a fickle mistress. I know a lot of unemployed bankers who would have looked like a sure thing to you a couple of years ago. You cannot predict the future, so picking a guy based primarily on financial promise is a dicey proposition. If you marry for money, what happens when the money disappears? What else is left between you?
My point: it's fine to want financial stability, but not at the expense of love. Hopefully you can find both in one neatly wrapped package, but love often appears in unexpected places. If you fall head over heels for a college dropout who tends bar for a living, will you reject him--and your own heart--because his financial future seems bleak? It's not wrong to have criteria for a mate, but I still believe that the best criterion of all is someone who makes your heart smile, your knees buckle and your loins quiver. When you find that person, he may or may not be successful, so don't be surprised if you are someday faced with a choice.
Gal Pal says:
As my grandmother used to say, of course you should marry for love. But it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is to fall in love with a poor one.
What's your definition of love?
Mystery Man says:
Would that all questions were so easy.
Gal Pal says:
Here's how Lao Tzu explained it: "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
What does it mean when a man tells you "I am a man after all" several times in a conversation when you are talking about things?
Girls' BFF says:
For one, it means they actually think that's a viable excuse, and for b, they're probably not prone to change much, one way or another, because of the first one.
While I do think that many of life's little nuance has its rooting in our gender, I do think that the vast majority of things have nothing to do with our our wangs or vags. I had a chick tell me once that she was difficult because she was a girl. I quickly gave her the old heave (a) ho because if she thinks its okay to be difficult because she's a girl, well, that relationship was going to go down in flames anyway.
Plus, do you know how many things you can technically get away with if, "I am a man after all" is a legit excuse? Allow me to provide some:
-socks on the floor
-sleeping with another woman while in a relationship
-not listening
-playing video games all day
-not changing diapers
not watching chick flicks
The list is really endless.
So anyway, you should probably check him on that next time and ask him what that means and if he really thinks some things just are as they are because he's a man. And what all does his list of "man things" entail. It might save you some trouble down the road if he's as ridiculous as he has the potential to be.
Gal Pal says:
Tell him he's nowhere close to being a man. You'll let him know when he gets there.
I like a guy who says he likes me too, but he told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship because he says he gets stressed with family issues and school and so forth and when he gets stressed he takes it out on people, but he only says that because that's what happened w/his last GF, will he ever be ready for me???
Reformed Player says:
First, don't downplay what he did to his previous girlfriend, especially if he's not. If he's that concerned about it, then you need to be too, even if he is trying to mend his ways.
Secondly, honestly, this is going to be a hard road. Abuse really boils down to a broken coping mechanism: people are taught from an early age that hurting someone you love when you're angry at them is a good strategy, and that can take years to break. This isn't a "read a book and take a deep breath" type of problem. He needs to make time and go to a therapist who specializes in working in abuse cases.
The key thing here, though, is this: he knows he has a problem, he knows the abuse is wrong, and he wants to change. But that change has to come from him.
Gal Pal says:
He's telling you he's not ready for a relationship. That dating stresses him out. That he "takes it out" on his girlfriends. That's all you need to know. Find someone who is delighted to be with you - not stressed about hurting you. This guy might mature eventually and with help. But he's not ready for primetime dating now.
My long term boyfriend never used to moan while we have sex but just recently he's started to. I'm paranoid that he's "faking it" with the moaning (not with finishing - he finishes). As if he's not really into me but he's trying to make himself feel more excited by fake moaning. Fake it til you make it, ya know?
Funny Guy says:
And now, let's explore glass half empty. Long term sex has yielded day-to-day sex fatigue. What used to be amazing nut-slapping-nipple-thrill sex is now nut-slapping-nipple-chill sex with no thrill or amazement to speak of -- so yes, your man is "pushing" for more.
But, even if we are dealing with more of a glass empty than full situation, it's far from a major issue. On its own his moaning doesn't mean he's grabbing at straws and your sex life/relationship is doomed. It just means he's adding a new erotic element to your mix. Remember your relationship and sex life is a living organism. It needs to evolve and grow; it needs to reinvent itself at times to remain relevant - to ensure it survives.
I've given you some ideas and insights. But that will only serve you so far. The final analysis requires something more: you asking him (preferably not while he's moaning) -- a. he won't hear you and b. he's in the groove or trying to be. Sure, it will be embarrassing for a moment to call him out on his audible repertoire, but don't forget you guys are long term lovers. You can handle some candid moan talk. Once the source is discovered you can figure out if you are actually dealing with a bone moan or bone groan.
Gal Pal says:
Have you seen any other signs of cheating? If not, I don't think you should ask him. Just enjoy! Take the moaning and run.
I just slept w/ my ex. He has a girlfriend, but says he "melts" and "folds" when he see's me...
Chic Geek says:
It's the oldest trick in the book -- he's making you feel nostalgic for your relationship while also flattering you. He played the whole "I can't resist you" card, turning the fact that he cheated back on you. It's almost like he made it your fault: "I don't want to cheat, but I just can't resist you." It's a weird underhanded compliment; he's making you feel good about yourself and how you make him feel, while also making you the other woman.
If he genuinely had feelings for you, not just feelings of lust, he would have held off until his relationship had ended. He would have told you that he loves you and wants only you, broken up with the girlfriend and then slept with you. But now he's made it seem like him cheating was somehow your fault, that he wasn't going to do it but then being around you caused him to "fold." That's B.S. -- he was planning on sleeping you from the moment you started hanging out. This whole business of you making him "melt" is just a tactic for sleeping with you. Clearly he's still attracted to you and has feelings, but they're not genuine enough to do more than sweet talk you into bed while he's still in a relationship. So don't let him off the hook so easy. You both messed up. While I'm sure he's attracted to you, it's not like you're some all-powerful siren goddess from Clash of the Titans or something. He could have resisted temptation and waited until he was single to make a move. Now he needs to do the right thing and come clean with the girlfriend. Then do what he should have done earlier and break up with her. She deserves better. You both do. Find a guy who will "melt with you," not one who uses pretty words to get what he wants.
Gal Pal says:
Until he folds his current girlfriend into the "break up" stack, stop all the melting at once!
That's it for this week. Thanks for playing, guys and girls!
lovin the one liners from grandma and Lao Tzu, Carrie! I think I would like them BOTH on the same bumper sticker lol
Thanks so much, Chrissie!