We received a question this week about the Millionaire Matchmaker's advice to dump any guy who doesn't want to marry you in six to nine months. Guys -- what do you think? Should a guy *know* if he wants to marry you after nine months? Or know that he *might* want to marry you? Should you cut bait with a guy who can't commit (or at least commit to committing) in that time frame?
Funny Guy says:
This is a tricky question. For example, when I met Miss Funny I knew within minutes I wanted to bed and wed her. I dug her big time, and found myself immediately thinking, "Oh snap, this is The One." But, here's the thing: If I was even three years younger when we met, I may not have been mentally calibrated to "lock in" on The One. And, If I was way younger I probably would've shown up to our date #1 drunk and only angling for a 'bed and bounce' type situation. It's more about timing within the life of a man, than a given six to nine month period of dating him.
But, if your guy is of marrying age, i.e. many of his friends are already married, he doesn't live in his childhood bedroom, he has a steady job, etc. then I think nine months is a reasonable amount of time to get some real feedback, "Look buddy, you've test driven your life with me for the last nine months, where are we at? Do you like how we ride? Why are you only leasing this relationship? I need to know if this feels like a lease-to-buy situation for you. I mean, dude, what's stopping you from putting a chunk of money down and taking me off the lot for good?"
If he doesn't answer to your liking, then it's time to pull out.
Chic Geek says:
Nobody should take advice from the Millionaire Matchmaker. She is the worst. Like a meaner Simon Cowell with zero personality. Scarlett Johansson's parody of her on "SNL" was spot-on. And what do her assistants even do? Plus, the title of that show doesn't make any sense. By definition, shouldn't a "millionaire matchmaker" be matching up millionaires with other millionaires? The show should be millionaires flying each other around in private jets or renting out Yankee Stadium for a picnic, not boring, arrogant rich dudes getting hooked up with sad women with fake breasts and daddy issues.
Amit is right about the timing thing. To put it in video game terms, it depends on what stage he's on. Is he on the "hit it and quit it" stage, or the "put a ring on it" stage? After a year of dating, you should be able to tell whether he's at least headed towards the marriage stage. Though it's more a question of where you are at the time you meet the guy. If you're looking to get married after nine months of dating and he's not giving you any indications in that direction, it's definitely time to fish or cut bait. Life is too short. Figure out what you want and find the guy who is on (or at least closest to) your timetable.
Girls' BFF says:
I think there's some logic to that, except I also don't think a man should tell a woman he wants to marry her that soon. So it's a catch-22. I think most guys know when we "think" we found the one, but it takes us so long to get over the shock that we sit on it (no Fonz) for a while. So no, women shouldn't cut a guy off. She should just keep making him breakfast until she can't wait any longer.
Mystery Man says:
Some guys know within the first week, which is just sad and slightly creepy. Some guys are a wee bit slow on the uptake. But 9 months, if you have been together at least three to five times a week, is plenty of time to decide. So, yes, a decent rule of thumb in my book.
Wise-Ass says:
Oh please. That's crap. There are no absolute timetables in dating. Love takes time, especially the kind of love that will last. You have to get to know the other person by seeing them in different situations, and you can't put a deadline on that. What about these couples who were friends for years before they fell in love? Good relationships take time. Advising people to date with a stopwatch in one hand is imbecilic -- unless you're a marginal TV personality trying to boost ratings by giving out terrible advice.
Gal Pal says:
Yes, you should be able to talk about your plans for the future within a year, but I don't think it's dumping time just because he hasn't presented you with a tiny blue box. Think about this practically. If you've only spent one year with a guy - one birthday, one Halloween, one President's Day - how do you even know if he's good at picking out flowers and cake frosting? Or choosing an ironically hilarious Halloween costume that perfectly complements yours? Or agreeing on which president sported the best facial hair? These things are IMPORTANT people. Sure, he may have done OK the first time around, but are you willing to risk the next 75 years of holidays with an unproven partner? Don't rush it.
I really like Gal Pal's advice, I never thought of looking at the situation in that sense, of only one birthday/Halloween/holiday, etc. I need to take some more time with my bf then :)
Thanks so much, Reesie! I really do believe the holiday visual is a great way to put things in perspective.
Would everyone start using the words boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, spouse or significant other? Have you noticed how those terms have been erased, practically, from people's vocabulary and in articles and on TV/radio? It would seem there's an agenda to squash the genders and neutralize gender roles? Why? Is it because a certain, small group of people (who use the word partner) feel left out when they're not able to use such terms without giving away their sexual orientation? Go figure ... Either way, let's save the word "partner" for square dancing and business (partners). Besides, is that how you introduce your wife/husband (or girlfriend/boyfriend)? "Hi, I'd like you to meet my teammate, Cindy." What a joke. Why don't we just start using other terms like chum, buddy, pal, bf, .... Take a stand people. Oh, on this note, start paying attention to how these terms ARE never used ANYWHERE. It's scary. Where's the love and warmth in those terms? (i.e., partner, teammate, chum, pal ....) Nowhere to be found. "She's looking for a good partner.' Oh, you mean HUSBAND? Say it then ..... Geesh. PC (i.e., political communism) run amok!
any advice dealing with a time table is horrible advice, mainly because i think a lot of women are shallow/desperate/stupid enough to actually dump a decent guy and destroy a great relationship just because he's another year away from wanting to marry.
Six to nine months? What's the hurry? How can you possibly know enough about a person in that amount of time? Most truly close friendships aren't even established that soon. I mean you have to really trust a person to jump into that kind of a commitment.
dumping a guy just because he isn't ready for marriage after 6 to 9 months is just ridiculous. Being pushy isn't going to make him want it more and just because he doesn't want to marry you right now doesn't mean he's a bad guy and afraid of commitment, it just means he doesn't want to rush into such a huge life changing decision and you shouldn't want that either.
Just ran across this and I MUST comment:
I've been with my guy for 3 years. We've been best friends for almost 8 years. We know we're going to get married, but it took a nasty break up and then getting back together a week later about 6 months ago to get that through our heads. Sometimes, you don't know. I say give it time. We definitely need more time.
Also, the holiday factor is a GREAT way to look at it!
pls i need help. what if after 9 months he hasn't mentioned marriage, and each time i bring it up, he brushes it away. he told me to give him time. after 1 yr, i told him, i can not continue dating not knowing where things are heading, then he said he doesn't want to rush into marriage just like that, and that he will always love me, and is still here for me. is he just bluffing or what?
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I have to say that for the past few of hours i have been hooked by the amazing articles on this site. Keep up the wonderful work.
I agree
I waited 8 years and he is still not ready. He would tell me, he loves me and eventually would marry me, but even now, he hesitate to talk about it. Three months ago, he gave me the money to go buy the ring and I waited because I wanted him to go with me, and when I finally asked him to go, he wouldn't. I decided to leave him. I am in my 40's now, and worried that I wasted all this time with the wrong guy. I still love him and it is very hard to move on. I wanted a baby with him and it never happened, because he was not ready for one. I am so devastated.
Natalie, I feel your pain, but If you feel you have wasted time with the wrong guy then please do not waste any more crying over him. If he really loves you he'll come back. Until then just pray to God and am sure you'll get what you want overnight. Please do not be sad - try to move on as fast as possible, focus on meeting other men and things will come knocking on your door. Good luck!