I've had a recurring argument with various men and women. It all boils down to a simple question:
In a relationship, should there be full disclosure at all times.
Survey says? Hell to the naw. Word to Whitney Houston.
In a relationship, should there be full disclosure at all times.
Survey says? Hell to the naw. Word to Whitney Houston.
But let's discuss this a little. There are two schools of thought present. One suggests that honesty and forthcomingness (I know) are the cornerstone of a strong and healthy relationship, so you should provide your significant other with all the information they need to make an informed decision when it comes to dating you.
That's fair and balanced. Like Fox News.
The other school suggests that you do some cost-benefit analysis and come to a logical determination of what exactly constitutes need-to-know information.
I'm going to present a scenario for discussion. Of course, I'll tell you what I'd do. I'm benevolent like that.
Let's assume my best friend in life is a chick named Samantha. One day, Samantha makes a move on me. She attempts to jump my bones in a most vulgar fashion. Now, after Samantha makes her move, I tell her how disrespectful it is and mentally take note to fall Samantha back and give her the Jennifer Aniston treatment.
What would Jesus do? And more importantly, should I tell my girlfriend?
Um, no. I've taken care of the situation and further, what is the point in telling her. Sure, she'd want to know but for what? There's literally nothing she could do about the situation and she'd want to do something. Despite the fact that I did nothing wrong (which we'd determine AFTER I got grilled to the nth degree to make sure that I didn't incite the bone-jumping) my girl would need to vent her frustration and it would come at me. It's one of those inevitable things in life. It's up there with taxes, death, and Britney Spears. You just can't avoid an argument when you're girl (or dude) has nobody else to direct their frustration towards.
One point I've often heard is that by not telling my girlfriend, I'm deciding for her what's important information for her to know, essentially taking her power of choice away. Knowledge is power, yada yada yada. I call bullocks. In every relationship, we walk into it only telling people the things we want them to know. We determine what's important for each other all the time. I hightly doubt my girlfriend would tell me upfront if she were ever a serial-midget stripper who only danced for men if they threw bananas at her, especially if she had no intention of going back to that life. And somehow, that seems pretty important to know.
Is full disclosure necessary in a relationship? No. Relationships are about providing peace of mind to your significant other.
Everything else is just extra.
That's fair and balanced. Like Fox News.
The other school suggests that you do some cost-benefit analysis and come to a logical determination of what exactly constitutes need-to-know information.
I'm going to present a scenario for discussion. Of course, I'll tell you what I'd do. I'm benevolent like that.
Let's assume my best friend in life is a chick named Samantha. One day, Samantha makes a move on me. She attempts to jump my bones in a most vulgar fashion. Now, after Samantha makes her move, I tell her how disrespectful it is and mentally take note to fall Samantha back and give her the Jennifer Aniston treatment.
What would Jesus do? And more importantly, should I tell my girlfriend?
Um, no. I've taken care of the situation and further, what is the point in telling her. Sure, she'd want to know but for what? There's literally nothing she could do about the situation and she'd want to do something. Despite the fact that I did nothing wrong (which we'd determine AFTER I got grilled to the nth degree to make sure that I didn't incite the bone-jumping) my girl would need to vent her frustration and it would come at me. It's one of those inevitable things in life. It's up there with taxes, death, and Britney Spears. You just can't avoid an argument when you're girl (or dude) has nobody else to direct their frustration towards.
One point I've often heard is that by not telling my girlfriend, I'm deciding for her what's important information for her to know, essentially taking her power of choice away. Knowledge is power, yada yada yada. I call bullocks. In every relationship, we walk into it only telling people the things we want them to know. We determine what's important for each other all the time. I hightly doubt my girlfriend would tell me upfront if she were ever a serial-midget stripper who only danced for men if they threw bananas at her, especially if she had no intention of going back to that life. And somehow, that seems pretty important to know.
Is full disclosure necessary in a relationship? No. Relationships are about providing peace of mind to your significant other.
Everything else is just extra.
For statistical reference, I'm female, 41, and married 23 years, and I agree wholeheartedly.
Damage isn't caused by truth or lies - damage is caused by doubt.
I think the main line everyone needs to cross is: Would you feel guilty keeping it from your girlfriend. Some guys I know would tell their girlfriend, because to them, somehow, it feels like they are keeping vital information from their Girlfriend. And I have others who wouldn't because, as you said, they took care of the situation.
In my opinion though, I would like to know if something like the situation you simulated above, were to happen to my significant other. I know I couldn't do anything about it, but it's nice to know anyways.
I agree, it's the would you feel guilty. I think you really have to judge each situation on its own, and also know your partner well. If they are a more logical less emotional or more understand type, then it might be best to tell them and they will be like "oh, ok, well thanks for being faithful and honest with me, I appreciate it!" and then that's that, no harm, done, bond strengthened, and it took 30 seconds.
Other women might flip out that women are hitting on you (they forget that stuff happens I guess?) and get emotional about it and upset for no reason. Or they may worry about it or whatever. If you're with that type, then not telling would be the best course. (like Heather said, damage is caused by doubt, in that case)
For me, I like knowing. But I make it clear in a relationship that I understand this kind of stuff happens, it is no big deal, but I just like to know all the facts.
Anecdote:
I dated a guy for 3 years once. Two years into the relationship, he says, "I have something to tell you, but it's no big deal" -- well that is something since he's never said that before to me. So I am prepared for whatever, and I give myself the "be reasonable, logical, and calm" message so I can listen. Then he tells me that awhile back he was at a store, and talking with the cashier in a friendly way (he always does this :) and mentioned to her how he was meeting his friend for drinks at this bar nearby (he's just one of those very chatty types, I think it is a good thing).
Annnyhow, so after leaving the store he goes to the bar/restaurant to wait for his friend, who always runs late, and guess what, cashier shows up! So poor girl, thought he was flirting with her (which is totally easy to do with the way he talks), and thought he was hinting for her to meet him at the bar. So my boyfriend feels terrible for her because it's embarrassing and she feels that way. So he buys her a drink anyhow and they talk for a bit before his friend shows up and her break is done for work.
Anyhow, his friend arrives and he tells his friend (best friend, a married guy), and his friend tells him that he shouldn't tell me because nothing happened, he did nothing wrong, and best not to rock the boat. So my boyfriend says nothing. But after a month, he just had to get it off his chest. Of course my reaction is just to chuckle and laugh because I totally could see how it would happen (and kind surprised it didn't happen more often! hes very social), and told him it was no big deal, but, that I really appreciate him telling me because that makes me trust him more.
Now, as for his friend, I thought no less of him either, since he's just that type of guy, who believes in keeping harmless secrets from his wife. But, I don't think she's as laid back about some things as I am. Or, maybe something different happens when you get married? I don't think.
Anyhow, the point of my store is just that some women really do want to know (almost) everything, but that each case is individual and you have to judge the person and the situation. For instance, if he got a new secretary who was really hot, I wouldn't want to know. If he had a dream about an ex-girlfriend and it has been on his mind all day, I wouldn't want to know.
Generally I think things that involve 2 or more people should be shared, for instance, Samantha could start telling her friends about how she hit on you and you didn't go for it. And somehow your girlfriend hears this, and maybe she will wonder why you didn't tell her, and then if you didn't tell her, maybe because there was something to hide? And that's when fear/doubt sets in...
But, if you have a freak-out/emotional sort of girlfriend, then it probably would be best to not tell her about Samantha. Anyhow... just thought I'd share another point of view :-)
Insightful and brilliantly stated, Penryn.