This week in class, we learned how a player seduces, how to get more PDA, how to tell a laid-back lad from a not-so-into-you-dude, how to move on from your first, how much is too much mystery and how to get out of an abusive relationship. So study up (there could be a quiz!) on GuySpeak's Best of the Week!
My boyfriend is a bit short on the PDA. We're long distance for most of the year, but when we visit or summer comes around I thought that he'd want to finally show that he's got a girlfriend. I know that I want the world to know who the man on the phone is. Even hand holding is out usually. Why won't he show affection?
Wise-Ass says:
Everybody's different when it comes to PDA. He's probably just shy. If you are worried that it's a sign that he's not into you, don't. He's traveling long distances to see you--trust me, he's into you.
He also might be the kind of guy who is slow to warm up. Talking over the internet and phone is one thing, but when shy people find themselves face-to-face with someone for whom they've expressed feelings, it can be daunting, especially in public.
I'm wondering why it matters so much to you. I think people can put too much importance on appearances and public verification of their relationship--PDA, Facebook statuses, calling you his 'girlfriend,' etc. You say that you want the world to know the man on the other end of the phone, but why? The world doesn't know or care; all that matters is that you feel secure with him.
I assume you've asked Ice Man about it. What does he say? Is he affectionate in private? To me, private is a lot more important than public. I'd file this one under No Big Deal. That is, unless PDA is a deal-breaker for you. Then you have a bigger issue to consider: whether or not to stay with him.
Gal Pal says:
I'd be bothered by this. I think some level of affection and closeness is important - behind closed doors or in the broad light of day. An arm around the shoulder, a hand squeeze, lingering fingertips across the dinner table - these are almost involuntary signals that you're close and connected to someone. Seems odd to completely turn off those gestures in public. I'd worry that he's only into you from a distance - or perhaps just not practiced enough with "in real life" love. I'd definitely bring it up with him and ask him to take baby steps. Or, you know, just start a game of grab ass in the crosswalk.
I can't forget the boy who took my virginity. I feel like I will never forget him, and that no matter who comes next, it won't be as exciting as the first one because I've already done it. Not only that, but I'm used goods, right?
Funny Guy says:
Slow down, Recent Non-Virgin. You probably won't ever forget him, but that's OK. 99% of us remember the person who took our virginity. The other 1% were blacked out on Jägermeister shots. Of the 99% who remember, not all of them have fond memories - it sounds like you do and will.
Now, regarding this being unmatched in your future sexual travels, that is incredibly unlikely. Yes, there is a magic and charm to firsts, but firsts also mean elementary. Your sex was elementary. Remember the books and math problems you worked on in 3rd grade? Not the same as high school or college. They say sex is like riding a bike. Sure, in that it starts with sweaty palms and training wheels, but as you gain skills the ride changes, your straddle shifts from hanging on, to a place of control and grace --creating serious twists and turns along the way.
Lastly, have you ever heard of a bike going for one spin around the block and being ditched as used goods? You just got on the track and you're already worried about being seen as worn out? Not that you should just break in your tires with anyone, but you've got plenty of joy rides left before being labeled a freewheeling ho'.
Gal Pal says:
I'm sure you'll never forget him, which is a good thing! He'll always be an important chapter in your romantic history. But I promise that one day soon you'll stop daydreaming about him. Before you know it, you'll be turning to Chapter Two. And you won't be able to put that book down because the story just gets juicier and juicier. Keep reading, my friend. You never know how this one's going to end!
How can I tell the difference between a guy who is laid back about making plans and a guy who's just not interested?
Girls' BFF says:
A guy who is laid back about making plans will suggest that you actually hang out. A guy who isn't interested will only hang out with you when you suggest that you hang out.
Let's keep it thorough here. If a chap wants to see you naked (and while it might not be our sole goal it is a goal nonetheless) he's going to put forth some form of effort right? Like, let's say I want some ice cream. I'm going to either get up and go get it, call in an order, or just talk about it incessantly until I get me some ice cream.
If you got a lazy dude who does like you he'll definitely suggest that you hang out and spend time but he might just suck at actively picking out places to do so...which to be real, you can also use as an indicator of lack of interest. If a dude is on your boobs, he's going to find a way to see you again. He'll follow you to church and sit in the back pew. He'll come to the grocery store and be in the next aisle. He just wants to see you again.
Laid back dude who isn't putting forth much effort needs to hustle harder.
Gal Pal says:
I'd be wary of any guy who never initiates plans with you, lazy or otherwise. Not to insult the guys, but men tend to fall on the lazy side in relationships. But it's a bad idea for one person to make all the plans in the relationship, especially early on. You'll just set a bad precedent for yourself. (It clearly bothers you or you wouldn't be asking the question.) If you're getting an ambivalent or "shady" vibe from a guy, there's probably a good reason for that. Ease up, disappear from his radar for a few days and see how he handles it. His reaction (does he even notice you're not around?) will give you the answer you're looking for.
p.s. Can someone please get Panama some ice cream? The man's got a craving!
Is it true that men respond to distance? 4 yrs post divorce, dating still makes me feel sometimes like a mom that's sending jello cups when all the others know fun cheez is the shit. just got flowers so pretty sure the new guy i'm dating is nuts about me, but sometimes his "mystery" quiet times elude the snot out of me.
Mystery Man says:
I much prefer jello - fake cheese is simply revolting. Some guys like a bit of distance. A little bit of peace and quiet. Know I do, for one! Now, there are two possible explanations for wanting a touch of distance in the relationship in the early stages.
Reason 1: He is not all that into you just yet. No crime, especially if he has been badly burnt before, but something to keep your eye on. Everyone says that guys get over breakups quickly - well, they don't. It takes about as long for a guy to get over things as it does a gal. Sure, they'll be out and dating faster, but the trust thing takes a hell of a long time to heal. Guys just don't talk about it, not even to other guys. Dumb, sure, but just the way most of us roll.
Reason 2: He trusts you totally and can be himself. Do you know how nice it is to be lucky enough to find an independent woman? One who can simply sit and be with you without much chat. Have you ever watched a couple of guys who are old friends sitting together? Half the time they don't have a conversation, just snatches of random chat with usually a grunt as a reply. That is not being uncommunicative, that is really how guys talk when they are relaxed with someone they trust. Nearly all the conversation is non verbal.
Gal Pal says:
A guy's sending you flowers in this day and age? You are #winning, my dear! Congrats! As to your question: When you say "mystery quiet time" do you mean he's verbally quiet? Or that he doesn't contact you for days on end? The first is a great, great sign. I'd guess it means he's completely comfortable around you. Isn't there something so attractive about the solid, silent type? Very movie star of him. If he's going radio silent on you, I'd initiate a positive conversation about how tickled you are when he calls/texts you and maybe he could do it more often, etc. For now, enjoy your flora!
Reformed Player, since you're reformed and all, can you tell us now how you did it? How did you fool so many women? (i.e., backhanded insults or old fashioned B.S.) Oh boy, I can't wait to hear this. So many players will finally shed a tear because their dirty ways will be revealed!
Reformed Player says:
I hate to disappoint, but I was never that kind of player. I was always up front with any woman I spent more than one night with about my behavior and what kind of person I was, and either they decided "Thanks, but no thanks" or were OK with it. Well, they thought they were OK with it, anyway.
This didn't keep me from breaking hearts or the occasional screaming match, and it's not like I don't bear responsibility for the feelings I hurt, but being dishonest with women was never my thing. Honesty can be occasionally painful, but in the end, it's much easier.
That said, I can tell you the secret to lying, which is the root of every dirty relationship trick: all it really takes is a basic lack of empathy, or being incredibly selfish. You just have to not care about other people's feelings. I'd like to say this is behavior I've seen exclusively in players...but unfortunately, not so much.
Gal Pal says:
First, applause to Dan for being a player with a little dignity. I always say anything's fair game as long as everyone knows the rules. The best and only test for a player is time. A player will sprint through the love game - spurts of charm, attention, lust - but he's never going to last long distance. So bring your stop watch, be patient and see if he can keep pace with you.
I have a boyfriend who hits me. But I really truly love him and he is convincing me that he will change.
Chic Geek says:
And...that's how abusive relationships start. He crosses a line that no guy should EVER cross, says he's sorry and will never do it again, and you forgive him out of a mix of love, fear, and hope. It's a sad pattern that will repeat itself over and over again until he hurts you so bad that friends start to notice bruises or he sends you to the hospital and the police have to get involved.
You need to get help immediately. Talk to a counselor who specializes in abusive relationships. Contact your local social services to speak to a domestic violence specialist or call a domestic violence hotline. You have to talk to someone. If you insist on staying with this guy, he has to go to counseling with you. To be honest, you should have left him the second he laid a hand on you. The fact that he hits you, plural, is not good. In fact, it's a crime. You would be well within your rights to have this sicko locked up.
Nothing will change unless you get help. You must involve a third party in this, be it a friend, family member, or abuse specialist. Stop making excuses for what he has done. You have to face the fact that you are with an abuser. Again, he has crossed an unforgivable line. And it will happen again if you don't protect yourself. He'll get violent, and then apologize and say it won't ever happen again. Please, please talk to a domestic violence specialist. If anyone else has been in this sort of situation, please share how you dealt with it. Let's help her before he hurts again.
Gal Pal says: Thank you for all the readers who reached out in the comments and on Facebook with their stories and their support. We all want you to help you get help. Please take care of yourself.
That's it for this week. Thanks for playing, guys and girls!
Wise-Ass says:
Everybody's different when it comes to PDA. He's probably just shy. If you are worried that it's a sign that he's not into you, don't. He's traveling long distances to see you--trust me, he's into you.
He also might be the kind of guy who is slow to warm up. Talking over the internet and phone is one thing, but when shy people find themselves face-to-face with someone for whom they've expressed feelings, it can be daunting, especially in public.
I'm wondering why it matters so much to you. I think people can put too much importance on appearances and public verification of their relationship--PDA, Facebook statuses, calling you his 'girlfriend,' etc. You say that you want the world to know the man on the other end of the phone, but why? The world doesn't know or care; all that matters is that you feel secure with him.
I assume you've asked Ice Man about it. What does he say? Is he affectionate in private? To me, private is a lot more important than public. I'd file this one under No Big Deal. That is, unless PDA is a deal-breaker for you. Then you have a bigger issue to consider: whether or not to stay with him.
Gal Pal says:
I'd be bothered by this. I think some level of affection and closeness is important - behind closed doors or in the broad light of day. An arm around the shoulder, a hand squeeze, lingering fingertips across the dinner table - these are almost involuntary signals that you're close and connected to someone. Seems odd to completely turn off those gestures in public. I'd worry that he's only into you from a distance - or perhaps just not practiced enough with "in real life" love. I'd definitely bring it up with him and ask him to take baby steps. Or, you know, just start a game of grab ass in the crosswalk.
I can't forget the boy who took my virginity. I feel like I will never forget him, and that no matter who comes next, it won't be as exciting as the first one because I've already done it. Not only that, but I'm used goods, right?
Funny Guy says:
Slow down, Recent Non-Virgin. You probably won't ever forget him, but that's OK. 99% of us remember the person who took our virginity. The other 1% were blacked out on Jägermeister shots. Of the 99% who remember, not all of them have fond memories - it sounds like you do and will.
Now, regarding this being unmatched in your future sexual travels, that is incredibly unlikely. Yes, there is a magic and charm to firsts, but firsts also mean elementary. Your sex was elementary. Remember the books and math problems you worked on in 3rd grade? Not the same as high school or college. They say sex is like riding a bike. Sure, in that it starts with sweaty palms and training wheels, but as you gain skills the ride changes, your straddle shifts from hanging on, to a place of control and grace --creating serious twists and turns along the way.
Lastly, have you ever heard of a bike going for one spin around the block and being ditched as used goods? You just got on the track and you're already worried about being seen as worn out? Not that you should just break in your tires with anyone, but you've got plenty of joy rides left before being labeled a freewheeling ho'.
Gal Pal says:
I'm sure you'll never forget him, which is a good thing! He'll always be an important chapter in your romantic history. But I promise that one day soon you'll stop daydreaming about him. Before you know it, you'll be turning to Chapter Two. And you won't be able to put that book down because the story just gets juicier and juicier. Keep reading, my friend. You never know how this one's going to end!
How can I tell the difference between a guy who is laid back about making plans and a guy who's just not interested?
Girls' BFF says:
A guy who is laid back about making plans will suggest that you actually hang out. A guy who isn't interested will only hang out with you when you suggest that you hang out.
Let's keep it thorough here. If a chap wants to see you naked (and while it might not be our sole goal it is a goal nonetheless) he's going to put forth some form of effort right? Like, let's say I want some ice cream. I'm going to either get up and go get it, call in an order, or just talk about it incessantly until I get me some ice cream.
If you got a lazy dude who does like you he'll definitely suggest that you hang out and spend time but he might just suck at actively picking out places to do so...which to be real, you can also use as an indicator of lack of interest. If a dude is on your boobs, he's going to find a way to see you again. He'll follow you to church and sit in the back pew. He'll come to the grocery store and be in the next aisle. He just wants to see you again.
Laid back dude who isn't putting forth much effort needs to hustle harder.
Gal Pal says:
I'd be wary of any guy who never initiates plans with you, lazy or otherwise. Not to insult the guys, but men tend to fall on the lazy side in relationships. But it's a bad idea for one person to make all the plans in the relationship, especially early on. You'll just set a bad precedent for yourself. (It clearly bothers you or you wouldn't be asking the question.) If you're getting an ambivalent or "shady" vibe from a guy, there's probably a good reason for that. Ease up, disappear from his radar for a few days and see how he handles it. His reaction (does he even notice you're not around?) will give you the answer you're looking for.
p.s. Can someone please get Panama some ice cream? The man's got a craving!
Is it true that men respond to distance? 4 yrs post divorce, dating still makes me feel sometimes like a mom that's sending jello cups when all the others know fun cheez is the shit. just got flowers so pretty sure the new guy i'm dating is nuts about me, but sometimes his "mystery" quiet times elude the snot out of me.
Mystery Man says:
I much prefer jello - fake cheese is simply revolting. Some guys like a bit of distance. A little bit of peace and quiet. Know I do, for one! Now, there are two possible explanations for wanting a touch of distance in the relationship in the early stages.
Reason 1: He is not all that into you just yet. No crime, especially if he has been badly burnt before, but something to keep your eye on. Everyone says that guys get over breakups quickly - well, they don't. It takes about as long for a guy to get over things as it does a gal. Sure, they'll be out and dating faster, but the trust thing takes a hell of a long time to heal. Guys just don't talk about it, not even to other guys. Dumb, sure, but just the way most of us roll.
Reason 2: He trusts you totally and can be himself. Do you know how nice it is to be lucky enough to find an independent woman? One who can simply sit and be with you without much chat. Have you ever watched a couple of guys who are old friends sitting together? Half the time they don't have a conversation, just snatches of random chat with usually a grunt as a reply. That is not being uncommunicative, that is really how guys talk when they are relaxed with someone they trust. Nearly all the conversation is non verbal.
Gal Pal says:
A guy's sending you flowers in this day and age? You are #winning, my dear! Congrats! As to your question: When you say "mystery quiet time" do you mean he's verbally quiet? Or that he doesn't contact you for days on end? The first is a great, great sign. I'd guess it means he's completely comfortable around you. Isn't there something so attractive about the solid, silent type? Very movie star of him. If he's going radio silent on you, I'd initiate a positive conversation about how tickled you are when he calls/texts you and maybe he could do it more often, etc. For now, enjoy your flora!
Reformed Player, since you're reformed and all, can you tell us now how you did it? How did you fool so many women? (i.e., backhanded insults or old fashioned B.S.) Oh boy, I can't wait to hear this. So many players will finally shed a tear because their dirty ways will be revealed!
Reformed Player says:
I hate to disappoint, but I was never that kind of player. I was always up front with any woman I spent more than one night with about my behavior and what kind of person I was, and either they decided "Thanks, but no thanks" or were OK with it. Well, they thought they were OK with it, anyway.
This didn't keep me from breaking hearts or the occasional screaming match, and it's not like I don't bear responsibility for the feelings I hurt, but being dishonest with women was never my thing. Honesty can be occasionally painful, but in the end, it's much easier.
That said, I can tell you the secret to lying, which is the root of every dirty relationship trick: all it really takes is a basic lack of empathy, or being incredibly selfish. You just have to not care about other people's feelings. I'd like to say this is behavior I've seen exclusively in players...but unfortunately, not so much.
Gal Pal says:
First, applause to Dan for being a player with a little dignity. I always say anything's fair game as long as everyone knows the rules. The best and only test for a player is time. A player will sprint through the love game - spurts of charm, attention, lust - but he's never going to last long distance. So bring your stop watch, be patient and see if he can keep pace with you.
I have a boyfriend who hits me. But I really truly love him and he is convincing me that he will change.
Chic Geek says:
And...that's how abusive relationships start. He crosses a line that no guy should EVER cross, says he's sorry and will never do it again, and you forgive him out of a mix of love, fear, and hope. It's a sad pattern that will repeat itself over and over again until he hurts you so bad that friends start to notice bruises or he sends you to the hospital and the police have to get involved.
You need to get help immediately. Talk to a counselor who specializes in abusive relationships. Contact your local social services to speak to a domestic violence specialist or call a domestic violence hotline. You have to talk to someone. If you insist on staying with this guy, he has to go to counseling with you. To be honest, you should have left him the second he laid a hand on you. The fact that he hits you, plural, is not good. In fact, it's a crime. You would be well within your rights to have this sicko locked up.
Nothing will change unless you get help. You must involve a third party in this, be it a friend, family member, or abuse specialist. Stop making excuses for what he has done. You have to face the fact that you are with an abuser. Again, he has crossed an unforgivable line. And it will happen again if you don't protect yourself. He'll get violent, and then apologize and say it won't ever happen again. Please, please talk to a domestic violence specialist. If anyone else has been in this sort of situation, please share how you dealt with it. Let's help her before he hurts again.
Gal Pal says: Thank you for all the readers who reached out in the comments and on Facebook with their stories and their support. We all want you to help you get help. Please take care of yourself.
That's it for this week. Thanks for playing, guys and girls!
Leave a comment