And while there are some chaps who definitely attempt to come back years later to pursue the woman that they did wrong (there has to be right?), I can honestly say that I've only heard these stories from women so I'm going to assume that there's some hyperbole. Real talk, I don't know a single dude who's EVER told me that he wishes that he was still with a chick he broke up with. Again, I'm sure it happens but women make it seem like an everyday thing.
Agree to disagree. Well aside from Puffy. That fool put all of his feelings out there when he and J-Lo broke up. I'm still convinced he wants her back. Lucky for him she's done wtih Marc Antony.
Well, Beyonce took the song, "Best Thing I Never Had" and made a great video for it. But it's only great because for the first time ever, she seems like an actual person. Beyonce has this odd Stepford wife thing about her but in this video, she's all personality. And yes, Virginia, the lingerie helps.
But here's my issue. This video is her wedding day and she's thinking about the guy who broke her heart (in high school - an odd timing choice, but let's just pretend that isn't what happened) and basically feels like she big leagued him because she found the love of her life to marry her...
....when the other dude obviously wouldn't. Of all the damn times to NOT be thinking of somebody else, she's spending actual time on her wedding day feeling some kind of way about a guy from her past. On.her.wedding.day. Granted it's a video and intended to make a point, which is fair. However, I'm not so sure it's "just a video." I get the impression that far too many women could relate to this.
Is this really how women think? Do you all harbor animosity and bitterness towards men who broke your heart to the point where you wish that he KNEW you were getting married under the auspices that he'd feel like he lost out on you?
True story, not once but TWICE, has an ex of mine gotten in touch with me to let me know she was getting married. And these weren't exes I talk to. Nope. These were exes that I hadn't talked to in years by the time they contacted me. One actually tracked me down in person in a major city. The other sent me her wedding website stuff. No message, nothing. Just the link the URL. What's funny is that I was genuinely happy for them. When we broke up, I let it go. It ain't like it was ALL my fault. But it seems that they didn't. I'm guessing they wanted me to feel some type of way about their nuptials.
Odd future.
So ladies, I'm curious, do your exes that "hurt" you always remain in the back of your minds? And do you secretly hope he's pained by the fact that you are getting married and/or have (completely) moved on?
Inquiring minds would like to know.
I think I need to apology to a man I dated last year. I think about it a lot. I wasn’t mean or anything, but he hurt me. He just tried really hard to get me back & I ignored him. (He sang Come on Get Higher, in a voicemail to me.) I just want to say I’m sorry. Should I?
Unless he has a phobia for singing into a phone and then did it anyway; no, I don't think so. Unless you want him back ofcourse.
The ex that started a relationship with one of my friends before we were out of ours and is currently married to said friend is pretty consistently on my mind. I actually deleted my Facebook page because of the childish "ish" that was going on. So, relatively often I think "I wonder if he's told her about his addiction" or "Hmmm, I wonder if she knows about the prostitutes" or the time he got his dick sucked by a transvestite. There is apart of me that can't wait for their shit to fall apart. That part of me alternates in fits and starts with the part of me that doesn't think about them at all as well as the sliver of my sanity that hopes all works out because I'd hate for her to be in as much pain as I was.
I'm in a new city, have had new relationships, made new friends, and started a new life. But, yes, there are still times when I think about them, both....
Yes, we are silly and weird that way.. It might seem pathetic (it might even be pathetic) but I can reasure you you are right when you say many (not all) women relate to Beyonce's video. Going down memory lane is kind of an old habit to most women, myself included. And you know what they say about old habits, right? I'm not sure if it's normal to think about exes on your wedding day(supposedly the happiest day of your life), or inviting exes to your wedding (like your exes did, Panama), but women definitely are often tormented by the "what if"s.. We are creatures that 'like' to overanalyze and worry excessively.
He's on my mind more often than not, and yet he hurt me more than anyone ever has. And I know he didn't deserve all the effort I put in the relationship, and all the chances I gave him.
I'm trying to date other people but no one feels as organic as he did. Which only makes it harder to get over him -- I'm constantly thinking: this was so much easier/better with him than with (insert name of my current date). I don't know if I should force myself or just not date anyone. I don't know which one will help.
Definately keep dating. You'll find someone that fits perfectly with you, eventually. I know what you're going through, but the more you put yourself out there the higher the chances of foregetting your ex. Just don't get discouraged.
You should always put yourself out there to meet new people but perhaps not date anyone unless there is a spark? Have fun! No pressure. When you least expect it, it happens...
Thanks you guys. I'm sort of dating this guy right now and he seems way into it, i just feel like i'm the one sending out mixed signals and being lukewarm about things. I still love my ex and it's not fair to him, but on the other hand i'm forcing myself to like this guy... I don't know. I was considering just ending it.
I'm going through a similar situation and I think what anyone will tell you is that it's all about a willingness to let go--and sticking to it when you finally do. For me it's a matter of trying to figure out where faith ends and being foolish or naive about the situation ends. Either way, it's tough. Letting go of (forcing yourself) to move on, sometimes it's a matter of asking yourself if the right choice was made, or lingering on the "what ifs" as another user mentioned we like to dwell on, and if, just maybe, if things could be altered in the situation, if things could be better.
You won't really know if things will pan out with this new guy unless you try it out. I won't say give him a benefit of a doubt, but do give him a chance, and if you can, try and keep him up-to-date with your feelings. That can be as basic as you just saying you want to see where things go, but to take them slowly. He doesn't need to be scared I think, into knowing you still think about your ex, or worry when it could just be a false alarm. Besides loving the what ifs, just having the constant mood changes because of hormones is something I think us women are also plagued with.
Thanks, that's actually great advice. I love what you're saying about knowing where faith ends, because i've been thinking for a long time that i just believe in the relationship, when actually i've just been clinging to it (him still calling me "baby" doesn't make things easier either)... Anyway, thank you.
I think we ladies assume men feel how we feel when we find out an ex has gotten married. When I learned that my first bf got married I did feel a twinge of hurt. It was like "What the hell does she have that I didn't have?" That's the crux of it. We (not all of us) feel some degree of hurt knowing the guy has completely moved on to the point of marrying a completely different person. Depending on what happened in the relationship it takes me some time to "get over" a person. If I instigated the breakup then you bet your ass I'm already over them and have moved on. But the ones that broke up with me, it came out left field. I do not remember those times fondly and I never want to go there again. That was some true crazy shit.
But that's it in a nut shell sir.
Does anyone ever forget their first love? We were so young and happy and I ended it instead of letting it run its course. What changed was I realized there was no safety net and that I would not survive him breaking my heart. And because I was terrified of us ending, I ended it, ironically, hurting myself far worse than he could have. A cautionary tale to live life to the fullest and without regret later...
In my case, I always wish my first love well. Not that I think I belong with him but I did think about him when I got married to the love of my life. I have to learn from my past mistakes...
My mom still looks at me like I'm crazy when I tell her I wish my first (and only) love (incidentally my first and very worst heartbreak) the very best with his new fiance. I want him to be happy, and yes, while I can see myself loving someone else down the road, I know that he will be somewhere in the back of my mind when/if I do get married. It's just... I don't know... inexplicable.
He set the standard we hold dear by which everyone else is measured against :)
I don't think "look what he missed out on" I occasionally think "Oh his poor girl friend"(just one guy, and it's less him and more that his family is psycho and I know the girl's suffering) or I think "God he was a sexy son of a bitch, I hope that bastards doing well :) " ( I say that very fondly, I knew he was a bastard before we dated, hell, it's why we dated, and I can't hate him. I went in with my eyes wide open, still got my heart ripped out wouldn't trade it for the world) But it's only occasional thoughts, when something reminds me of one of the important ones. I'm glad those relationships ended because they ended when they were supposed to, but I loved them for a reason and lost them for a reason. Equally valid reasons, so while I wish them nothing but well, I dont bemoan the loss of the relationship. And being happy now with a wonderful man is not some sort of vengeance that I would want to rub their face in. Besides, doesn't it devalue a current love to just think of it that way? Admittedly there is one ex I'd invite to my wedding someday, but that's because he was a dear friend to menbefore and remains so now, it would be weird to invite all my close friends, many of which are his as well, and not invite him.
If an ex notified me she was getting married while we weren't on speaking terms, I'd tell her to also notify me when her divorce papers are filed. The ones that harp on past relationships are the worst. Get over it, or get lost.
A guy who I broke up with over a year ago (it was mutual, but mostly him) still contacts me and says he still thinks we'll get back together eventually. He's tried to get me back a couple times, very recently infact, but I've moved on. He says that he knows he's an idiot and doesn't deserve me etc but still wonders if I was "The One" and he just messed it up. I think maybe you haven't heard guys talk about these sorts of things before because maybe they're too embarrassed to admit those feelings to their buddies? It definitely happens though.
Well, my most recent ex is doing the impossible to get back together with me, and it's not just me saying it. His friends tell me the same thing, so I guess these guys do exist? FYI, no he doesn't get a second chance, and no I will not be thinking about him when I get married. He's not the only one I ever truly loved though.
The really bad ones do have a place ind the back of my mind. However, I just wonna show them up. Like: Look how awesome my life is wihtout a manipulative abusive douchebag like YOU in it! Hah!
I think I just wonna hurt them, but I need to do it in a socially acceptable way (so I'm not branded a psycho) haha.
On the other hand, there are the ones I still miss and love :( I don't wonna hurt them, I just want them as far away from me as possible, so they can't (unknowingly or not) hurt me.
My ex left me for a girl he met on MySpace and he married her. Now, three years later, he texts me asking me if I'm still angry at him, that he misses me and he starts reminiscing about our time together. I used to hate him, and PRAYED for the day he would come crawling back to me. That day came, and I felt nothing. It was very freeing. I will NOT be thinking about him, as I don't care about him anymore. :)
My most recent ex is, sadly, consistently on my mind. We will both be starting college classes again in a few weeks, so the thought that I could possibly be seeing him on an almost daily basis again is driving me crazy. He can be kind of shy, so the thought is always in the back of my mind that maybe he really does want to still be with me, but is too nervous to make a move. I know this is all probably just wishful thinking and I'm trying every day to tell myself that I can't EXPECT for anything to happen this year or else I'll end up breaking my own heart. It's just so difficult. I feel like I won't be able to move past him until I graduate this year and the possibility of ever seeing him again is one in a million.
Thanks so much Panama for putting this topic out here! Yes. I think about him more often than not. The break-up was just as intense as the relationship, if not worse. It took a long time to get past..not over..I dont think we ever really get over a relationship like THAT kind. I just figured out that if I did not go on with my life and do the things that mattered to me (that I had wanted to share and do with him) I would miss out on everything in life that mattered to me..things I had really wanted. So, I rebuilt/recreated a life for myself that made me happy and I did marry someone else who is very good to me. I think there may be many different kinds of love. As I do very much love my husband..just not in the same way I loved D. I have never been able to be or feel like I did with him. Some of this is actually a good thing for me. It was just way to intense in every realm. And it all just happened at a time when we both we way to young to understand it, protect it, preserve it. He is in contact with me. Which I am grateful as he was also a dearly treasured friend. I did not think of him on my wedding day. But, on other milestone events, I do. Not to wish him bad, either. I just want him to be happy as he truely deserves. More than anything I would ever want for myself..I want him happy..rich in life and love. If we cant be together due to our personalities, I still want him to have those experiences of marriage, kids, all the things we had planned to do..I did feel a twing when I found out he had married. I did feel some pain when he told me about his kids..and sent pictures. The funny thing is..what would hurt me much worse than his marriage, etc..is him not being loved by someone..or him going thru life alone. THAT really would break my heart into. As bad as the history is as much as I ended up hurt..this is NOT someone I have ever been able to hate or wish bad things on. Thinking of him, or even seeing someone that kinda reminds me of him, take me to a place in a nostalgic way..a comparison of the life I could have had versus the goals and life I did create and how far I have came, all the things I got to do that if I had chosen differently I would not have ever done! Or that place of the recognition of how it all turned out differently, but still worked out for us both in spite of the devastation we both caused one another. In the past, I missed the passion..the connection..over 20 years later and many miles...We are connected..still "get" one another..But, we were nc for a long time..our parents were not..so we always knew what the other was doing..Its just in a very different way now. This is rather hard to explain..but this is how it is with me regarding Him.
Yes, Panama. Yes, we really do have a hard time gettting past loves out of our mind. Particularly the ones who hurt us. I think there is a degree of bitterness that we hurt sooo much while they go on as though nothing happend. Its been over a year since my ex broke my heart and although I feel happy and fulfilled in my life, there is rarely a day when he doesn't pass through my mind even for a brief moment.
The wedding thing is almost a feel of vindication or revenge for us. We know that ex isn't secretly sitting somewhere wishing misery on us, but we feel like we won anyway. We survived, Inspite of him.
I just want him to see me walking down the street looking fabulous. He didn't even dump me; just froze me out and announced his new girlfriend on FB a few weeks later. We were wrong for each other and both behaved shittily, but it still hurt. Logically you know you need to move on, but you remember the good times and think, 'how could someone who was once so hot for me treat me like a piece of worthless crap?!' It's a combination of wounded pride, confusion and obsessive jealousy. To a guy it seems totally illogical and pathetic, but it's just something we need. Our self esteem is rocky at best (blame Freud; you got mommy's creepy, slavish adoration whilst we had to compete with mommy over daddy), so we need to know that you are sorry, we need to know that you don't despise us. Doesn't matter if we were equally to blame for the breakup. You don't have to suffer, just feel a pang of remorse and show it. Once you do this, as if by magic we will move on.
There's only one guy that I've ever had a really difficult time getting over and that was because I was the most into him than I've ever been into anyone before. It took me about a year to fully get over it.
Now its been about 2.5 years. He crosses my mind occassionally, but not that often. I don't wish him ill will, I don't view my getting in a relationship with someone else as triumph over him, and I don't view his getting in a relationship with someone else as a blow to me. I got over it completely (even though it took a really long time). I have no residual feelings about any of it.
In my opinion, if you still carry ill will toward someone who hurt you, that may be a sign that you're not truly over it and are having difficulty letting go.
Oh please, Panama. It's a sweeping generalization to say that guys rarely move on from their ex's. No, they probably don't walk down memory lane on their wedding day to another woman, but MOST WOMEN don't do that either. Beyonce's music video is just a fairy tale that speaks to her young and less mature audience.
It is my personal experience that men are the ones who don't move on from their ex's. Personally, once I break up with a guy and move on, they have about as much appeal as a doorknob. They are completely neutral to me.
Yes, yes we do think about out exes. Women are always analyzing our behaviors. We think about it, talk about it with other women, and do actually try to learn something from each relationship. However usually, it takes the more sensitive and nurturer types much longer to fully move on.
Particularly painful are the relationships that end because your SO doesn't want marriage and children, but then turns around marries the next woman they date. That HURTS! Logically we know it's not meant to be, but it is still really painful.
I was recently invited to and attended my ex's wedding. It was a truly beautiful affair and I was glad to have been invited. We remained incredibly close friends and I had actually watched the relationship begin from the other side of the apartment after I moved out of the bedroom (more awkward that I can ever really explain). I left the state for two years and received a wedding invitation in the mail. I went. I don't feel any "twinges" about it. I wished them well and my ex and I still talk on a regular basis. We're both with other people and happy about it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think it's a foregone conclusion that if someone tells you about their upcoming nuptials that they're trying to induce feelings of pain. There are exceptions.
I asked my parents about this(since I don't have any ex's as of yet), and my mom told me that though she didn't invite him, one of her ex's showed up at their wedding. He was polite, told her she looked beautiful, and sincerely wished her well with my dad, but my mom said he was definitely jealous. My dad was jokingly saying that he showed up to beg her to run away with him. :P
And my dad was invited to one of his ex's weddings. He didn't think it was a snarky invite, and he went. He was sincerely happy for her. The groom was glaring at him the whole time because the father of the bride made it very clear that he favored my dad, but other than that, he didn't feel awkard about it.
Interestingly enough, all of my ex boyfriends still have a place in my heart and they pass through the visuals of my mind randomly. I did get married and I didn't have any "Best thing I never had" thoughts on my wedding day, but I do know there were periods of time in which I had thoughts like that for a while with a break up or two. Also interestingly enough, I got to find out from at least three of my exes that they never got over me, all three of them at different times had made attempts to become a part of my life again. So I can add to the sentiment that men do at least occasionally fall prey to pining for an ex girlfriend! (And just for fun: One was just baaaaad timing, another we tried and it didn't feel right, and another I am in touch with years later, myself as a divorcee and there might actually be a chance...! )
My turn. When my first love broke up with me (he was two-timing..), I just thought to myself that hey. If I couldn't make the person I love happy, then maybe she can. With that, I carried on with my art. Turns out that this other girl didn't work out either, as she would be the first of 7 new "relationships" he would have that year.
Ladies, my advice to you all is this. Don't have any feelings of anger in you, because there is frankly no need for them. There is definitely someone better for you out there. So why waste all your energy/time on the wrong person?
Thanks for bringing this up, Panama.
If I'm completely honest then yes that is now I have felt. When somebody breaks my heart I want them to regret it, see that they were wrong and I was right. And it really did happen one time where one of my exes came back asking to go out again and I was already with another guy and he admitted he was crushed. I felt triumphant, like I got exactly what I wanted and I'm not gonna lie, it felt great. But I was young then (late teens) and now even though part of me does want to rub something good that happens to me in an exes face I don't. I think the more I grow up (I'm 23 now,) the more I realize my happiness is my own and I don't need somebody who hurt me to feel badly for me to feel happy. Great post though, I bet this triggered a lot of reactions for women.
No, I don't care about where most of my exes are now & whether or not they know if I've "moved on." Every ex hurt me and vice versa, in one way or another; that's what happens in relationships & that's one of the reasons why they end. The first love will always be in the back of our minds, but in a fond way, not a vengeful one. There may be one relationship that we wish didn't end; like if someone had to move away for a job and that was the only reason for the mutual break-up. However, there may be one ex that treated us so horribly that we hope they "get theirs in the end" as well. But if someone treated me so horribly that I wished that, I wouldn't want to contact them for fear of them trying to do that, again.
After I saw the video I told my friends that I hadn't really thought of the song like before and I loved it ever more now. When questioned about how I thought about the song initially I didn't have an answer, but I do now. I interpreted as a right now thing. Having recently ended a relationship and still being close enough to that person's life to see that the grass wasn't as green as he thought it was I get to sit back, put down my tissue and say "I bet it sucks to be you right now."
The video however gave me the perspective that "Wow, one day I'll be so happy and so far removed from the hurt that he caused me that I really will be glad he showed his arss so I could leave and the right guy could find me." But I'll be damned if on my wedding I'm having monologues in the mirror pretending I'm telling him what he messed up or even giving him a moment of my energy. (That's not to say I won't be a petty heffa and invite a member of his family so they can go back and tell him he messed and missed out the best thing since McD's Strawberry Lemonade.)
Panama, NO guy will ever admit that he screwed up and wants his ex back. He KNOWS he messed up and needs to move on. That's why you sayd and I quote: "Real talk, I don't know a single dude who's EVER told me that he wishes that he was still with a chick he broke up with." What guy wants to admit he's a #uc%tard?
Not all at because there's always some new guy that replaces the thoughts of the old one. Plus I don't like remiscing too much. Only like listening to the song by Mary J. Blige.
Something's wrong with those broads. Perhaps they need medication. Who is thinking about the guy who hurt them on the most important day of their life? Especially if they are in love with the groom, who cares about the other guy, he's history!!!!!!! What kind of broads do you date?
Exes that hurt me remain in the back of my mind in a negative way, as in I hope they meet their karmic retribution for what went down. That's probably not healthy and therapy PROBABLY wouldn't be a bad idea, but I don't have the time or the inclination to fix the damage at this point. There don't seem to be a lot of dudes out there worth being "healed, happy & healthy" for anyway, so I'm just chilling on the solo tip for the moment. That probably sounded a bit bitter, lol. Heck, I guess it is.
I'm freshly out of a relationship where I messed up. I was being rude and mean from the residue from a bad marriage. He told me he lived me and wanted to marry me, but I played games and didn't show him how much I cared. How can I get him back? Is there any chance? Basically I think about him all the time...
I'm freshly out of a relationship where I messed up. I was being rude and mean from the residue from a bad marriage. He told me he lived me and wanted to marry me, but I played games and didn't show him how much I cared. How can I get him back? Is there any chance? Basically I think about him all the time...
Before me an my husband got married I did think about my ex once in a while because every so often things would come up that reminds me of him however I didn't harbor any negative feelings so therefor my thoughts were more fond memories rather then the painful memories of being hurt. The way I see it things didn't work out for a reason and although sometimes those reason aren't always clear I find it unhealthy to harbor painful memories. Everything happens for a reason; sometimes you have to loose a little to gain a lot. For example my ex was a jerk plain and simple he was low down and dirty. The man whom I found comfort in after leaving said jerk later became my husband and the father to my kids. I have been with him for 9 years and I thank God for him everyday. If I never got hurt and then sought comfort I may have never found this wonderful man that I now call my husband. After finding such happiness instead contacting him with a look at me now complex, I asked God to bless him and to allow him the chance to feel as loved and happy as I felt whether it be in the arms of one woman or many women or no woman.
My first love. Yeah I think of him from time to time. Perhaps more than I should. I sorta still want him, but even if the opportunity presented itself, I wouldn't go back to him. The memories are bittersweet.. We broke up because we were stuck in the friend zone. I had issues I couldn't get passed, and he couldn't help me get passed them. He left me for another girl after a few months of hoping for change. Now I'm with an awesome guy who has helped me get over my issues and we've been together for a year now. So far everything's looking great, and I couldn't be happier. The only problem is that he's friends with my ex, and my ex is trying to play mind games by saying things like he misses me and always showing up when I'm with my boyfriend.
i have a question. what if you where dating someone for a month and half and you broke up because they secretly was already in another relationship. and you found out through Facebook
i have a question. what if you where dating someone for a month and half and you broke up because they secretly was already in another relationship. and you found out through Facebook
.i have a question. what if you where dating someone for a month and half and you broke up because they secretly was already in another relationship. and you found out through Facebook
i have a question. what if you where dating someone for a month and half and you broke up because they secretly was already in another relationship. and you found out through Facebook
i have a question. what if you where dating someone for a month and half and you broke up because they secretly was already in another relationship. and you found out through Facebook
^^^^ disregard those comments.
i was dating someone for a month and a half. and i broke if off once i realized i could take it any more. he was secretly in another relationship with a female that stays 2 hours away. i found this out because she posted a comment on his Facebook wall. i asked him about it and he came clean. he said "they have been dated since a few weeks ago" i asked him why did he ask me to be in a relationship with him if he was already in one. he said "i was just playing i didn't think you would take me serious" so i let that be that and asked him what do he want to do. he said "wait until he gets his priorities straight around january and then he would try and make it work with us" now i didn't believe a word he said but should i give him the benefit of the doubt knowing the fact that he came clean and he tells me more than enough now. cause we are basically in an open relationship but we can see other ppl. i know my worth but i feel like he could be the one ..he just immature right about now. I'm not sure how long I'm going to wait around but i want to know could there possibly be any hope. lol he is only 23 but he know right from wrong and the ins and out. i see the games he play. but he doesn't lie to me he just never speak on something if he knows he's wrong. i would leave him alone completely but he is always on my mind but i am strong enough to walk away I'm a big girl. i just don't want to regret it in the long run. i am very confuse on how i should go about this.??