I know it's the holidays and all, but you know what? I'm tired of writing about the holidays. I'm tired of hearing about the holidays. It's not even Christmas yet and I've already had enough. This is what happens when they start putting out Christmas stuff the day after Halloween. I blame retailers.
Instead, you get some quick answers to some of your questions. I read a lot of questions submitted to me and think to myself, I can answer that with one word (or one sentence). We're not really supposed to do that in our regular answers, but I hate to leave so many of you hanging, so here are some quickies. Who doesn't love a quickie now and then, right?
These are all real questions that I've gotten, most of them more than once.
How do I make a guy like me?
You can't make a guy like you. Just be yourself. If he likes you, he likes you.
How do you know if a guy likes you?
If you have to ask, he probably doesn't.
How do I know if he really loves me?
Actions speak volumes.
Can I come over?
Sure. Bring some beer, though, because I'm out.
Why didn't he tell me he was married?
He wanted to pork you.
He likes me but won't ask me out. Why?
He doesn't like you enough to ask you out.
Do guys like it when a woman is on top?
Is that a trick question?
He likes me but I don't like him. How do I turn him down politely?
"No, thank you."
I'm overweight/older/not very attractive. Will I ever get a date?
Yes. Some guys don't care.
Why do guys cheat?
Why does anyone cheat?
Why don't I have a boyfriend?
I don't know. Be happy anyway. Live your life. Boyfriends will come when you aren't looking.
Do guys like boobs or butts more?
Depends on the guy.
Do guys like it hairy or bare down there?
Depends on the guy.
Do guys care if I'm a virgin?
Depends on the guy.
Hey, I'm a horny ass, wanna have sex?
And they say romance is dead.
Why doesn't he propose? We've been dating for years.
He's not ready to marry you.
We had sex and now he's ignoring me. Why?
He got what he wanted.
He says he needs a break. What does that mean?
It means you need to move on.
What the f**k?
Indeed.
Why do guys like boobs so much?
What's not to like?
Anal sex?
Thanks, but no, I'm good.
Do guys mind if I don't shave my legs during sex?
No, we'd rather you do it before sex.
What are these strawberries doing on my nipples? I need them for a fruit salad.
I don't know, but thanks for the idea.
Why won't he go down on me?
Do you go down on him?
How do I ask a guy out?
"Hi, would you like to go out some time?"
He cheated on me but swears it won't happen again. Will it?
I don't know.
Do these jeans make my ass look fat?
No, they make your ass look amazing. I've never seen your ass look so amazing. Those must be magic jeans.
So, do men lose interest at 249 letters? If so, should I become a lesbian or just take percocet?
Try both and let me know how it works out.
Are you hot?
No, I'm cold. It's only 35 degrees here.
Instead, you get some quick answers to some of your questions. I read a lot of questions submitted to me and think to myself, I can answer that with one word (or one sentence). We're not really supposed to do that in our regular answers, but I hate to leave so many of you hanging, so here are some quickies. Who doesn't love a quickie now and then, right?
These are all real questions that I've gotten, most of them more than once.
How do I make a guy like me?
You can't make a guy like you. Just be yourself. If he likes you, he likes you.
How do you know if a guy likes you?
If you have to ask, he probably doesn't.
How do I know if he really loves me?
Actions speak volumes.
Can I come over?
Sure. Bring some beer, though, because I'm out.
Why didn't he tell me he was married?
He wanted to pork you.
He likes me but won't ask me out. Why?
He doesn't like you enough to ask you out.
Do guys like it when a woman is on top?
Is that a trick question?
He likes me but I don't like him. How do I turn him down politely?
"No, thank you."
I'm overweight/older/not very attractive. Will I ever get a date?
Yes. Some guys don't care.
Why do guys cheat?
Why does anyone cheat?
Why don't I have a boyfriend?
I don't know. Be happy anyway. Live your life. Boyfriends will come when you aren't looking.
Do guys like boobs or butts more?
Depends on the guy.
Do guys like it hairy or bare down there?
Depends on the guy.
Do guys care if I'm a virgin?
Depends on the guy.
Hey, I'm a horny ass, wanna have sex?
And they say romance is dead.
Why doesn't he propose? We've been dating for years.
He's not ready to marry you.
We had sex and now he's ignoring me. Why?
He got what he wanted.
He says he needs a break. What does that mean?
It means you need to move on.
What the f**k?
Indeed.
Why do guys like boobs so much?
What's not to like?
Anal sex?
Thanks, but no, I'm good.
Do guys mind if I don't shave my legs during sex?
No, we'd rather you do it before sex.
What are these strawberries doing on my nipples? I need them for a fruit salad.
I don't know, but thanks for the idea.
Why won't he go down on me?
Do you go down on him?
How do I ask a guy out?
"Hi, would you like to go out some time?"
He cheated on me but swears it won't happen again. Will it?
I don't know.
Do these jeans make my ass look fat?
No, they make your ass look amazing. I've never seen your ass look so amazing. Those must be magic jeans.
So, do men lose interest at 249 letters? If so, should I become a lesbian or just take percocet?
Try both and let me know how it works out.
Are you hot?
No, I'm cold. It's only 35 degrees here.
Some of these questions make women (or girls) sound like complete morons! I have friends like this. Friends that date some loser for 3 years that won't commit or only calls them at 10 pm or pulls a disappearing act for a week. I just don't know about these girls. There are sooo many guys out there. Have standards! Have some self respect! Seriously!
"I'm overweight/older/not very attractive. Will I ever get a date?"
Finally! I thought you were never going to post my question!
Ha ha! And not true.
I'm on my way over, Cary, and I'm bringing beer, percocets, strawberries, and a copy of "Lesbianism for Dummies." See you soon.
Party time! Don't forget to wear your magic jeans.
All of my jeans are magic. I can make them disappear in a flash!
Oh my.
Yum percocets...
Pick me up on the way Bev!
This party just keeps gettin' better.
Hey Bev, swing by and get me too -- I heard Cary's hot! Or maybe's he's cold...I'll bring my space heater. And if I'm not ready when you get here, I'll just shave my legs on the way over.
Well, in that case we're taking your car, Azure. :)
That's cool. I'll just shave on the way to pick up Melissa. I usually drive just fine unless a hair gets caught in my guy's electric shaver. Maybe if I didn't hold it in place for so long...
But as long as you bring the drugs, liquor and snacks, and wear your magic jeans, this party should be started in no time. Can't wait to see the photos on the guyspeak facebook page!
No shaving necessary. Just come on.
This sounds like the party of the ages. I wanna come too! Pretty sure I have some whipped cream to go with those strawberries. I also have drugs and liquor to help pitch in!
My legs were just shaved as well
oh.my.goodness
this was just hilarious!!! Bah, you guys and your funny posts keep me up too late! Was going to go to bed 2.5 hours ago..... hmm, I think the sun rises in 1 hour...!
Is this party still on? Is it invitation only? If so, how does one acquire an invitation? Or is it just BYOB/S's/P's/L's/MJ's? I already shaved. Lemme know! K, thanx.
:-D
THIS IS FANTASTIC LOL....
I definately needed that :)