Can you love a guy who only comes by at night? Can you love a guy who's a better cook than you? Can you love a guy who loves someone else, breaks things off with you in a rotten way or gives you the silent treatment? And - oh the torment - can you love two men at once? Your questions answered lovingly on GuySpeak's Best of the Week!
Wise-Ass says:
No, it's not a horrible girlfriend quality, and you don't have to make up for it.
Maybe you've heard: this is 2011, not 1951. The old days of strict lines between woman's work (cooking, cleaning, changing diapers) and man's work (yard work, repairs, grilling meat) are long gone. A woman who can't or doesn't want to make dinner is no longer scandalous.
If you really want to learn to cook--not because you think you should, but because you want to try it--there are ways to learn. I cook more often than my wife because I enjoy it more than she does, and I learned by asking questions and using recipes. (Not that I'm a gourmet chef or anything, but I can make dinner without using anything with "Helper" in the name.) There's no right or wrong about it. If your boyfriend likes to cook, great, he can be the house chef. If not, you'll be eating out a lot, which is expensive, but a helluva lot more fun than having to cook and then clean up all the crap afterward.
Gal Pal says:
In my family, we had a rule: whoever cooks doesn't have to do the dishes. So I suggest you savor the delicious meals your boyfriend so thoughtfully prepares for you - then grab the Palmolive. As long as you're both comfortable with that division of labor, enjoy eating at the chef's table and accept his cooking graciously, as a gesture of love.
Funny Guy says:
This can best be answered by YOU and delivered in multiple choice format. Take your time, work through the potential answers and go with your gut. Your first choice is right 80% of the time. My man only comes over in the dark BECAUSE:
a. he is a vampire
b. he has an enormous cluster of acne on his chin
c. he is strictly interested in booty calling me
d. that's been the case thus far, but I shouldn't conclude after two dates that we won't hang during the day
e. he works his ass off during the day and can only get to my place after sunset
f. he suffers drom glaucoma
g. he is part possum, bat-eared fox, or wombat
h. he was recently cast to play Julian Assange in a movie
i. All of the above
Gal Pal says:
Amit's list had me giggling all day. Also remember that it's winter - it gets dark at what, 3:48 p.m. these days? So if he's only coming over after dark, he's likely gainfully employed or, as Amit points out so, a creature from a horror movie. Either way, he sounds like a keeper to me!
Girls' BFF says:
I don't think you were anything other than a friend. A good friend and the kind of friend he was happy to have and probably misses. Here's the problem: He has a girlfriend now, and naturally, once we start dating, some of our friendships take a hit, perhaps unfairly. We start spending all of our time with them and are never available.
Our male friends don't take it personal because they know the deal. Our female friends tend to take it personal and get upset that we chose somebody over them. Here's the other thing, female best friends are always the first to go because very few woman genuinely trust any other woman who's been that close to her man. For some reason, all women assume that every other woman wants their man despite all evidence to the contrary. Women don't trust other women either. So while he's not doing it on purpose, I'm sure he's just dating a woman who hasn't met you and isn't fully comfortable with the relationship you had. It's retarded and shouldn't be that way, but it is.
And it's normal. It's just what happens when men and women have opposite sex best friends. But don't take it so personal...I'm sure ALL of his friends are missing him too.
Does the silent treatment work?
Gal Pal says:
I love Panama's advice, because it's also a helpful reminder that boyfriends are allowed to have female friends and that these women should be treated with respect, not jealousy. That said, if this guy's only one month into his relationship, he may not be ready to introduce the GF to ANY of his friends yet. But if you miss your old pal, why not invite him and his new girl to lunch or drinks? Who knows, maybe you two ladies will end up hitting it off and your guy friend will be the one missing both of you!
Chic Geek says:
No. It's passive-aggressive and stupid. It's like a child holding their breath until they get what they want. You're saying to the other person, "I don't want to address our problems, so I'm just going to shut you out until I get my way." If anything, the silent treatment makes things worse. Resentments build up, issues get unresolved. The person you're snubbing feels hurt and confused, and either does everything in their power to get you to start talking to them again or gets angry and in turn snubs you back. So then you've got two people who aren't communicating and no one wins.
In a relationship or friendship, the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. It's shutting someone out, and refusing to address an issue or a grievance. Often, people who use the silent treatment don't even tell the person they're snubbing what they've done wrong. They just sit and pout until the other person asks them what's wrong. The person being shut out feels hurt, abandoned, and like their words are falling on deaf ears. If the other person is trying to communicate and fix the problem and you're snubbing them, they're doing all the work.
Nothing good can come from shunning or ostracizing someone you love just to get what you want. We preach communication here more than anything else. In an argument, the only way to win is to plead your case. If you're forcing them to give in just to get you to talk to them, are you really winning? You haven't proved your point-- you're just being a giant baby. That seems like more of a Pyrrhic victory. Using the silent treatment will only lead to more anger and resentment while further driving a wedge between you and your partner.
Gal Pal says:
Amen, Nick. Navigating a relationship takes open communication and sturdy maturity. I think what many of us (myself definitely included) don't realize is that these skills take constant mental and emotional effort. It's often very, very hard work, especially when we feel wronged or slighted by our partners. It's easier to throw up your hands, storm off, pout or yell (guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty). But those childish reactions aren't helping anyone, especially not ourselves. Next time you're tempted to pull out the old silent treatment, give yourself a few deep breaths and some time to cool off. Write down how you're feeling, if that helps. But don't shut down. Try to gather the fortitude to talk it out like the cool, collected adult you are. (Or are at least pretending to be!)
Reformed Player says:
There are lots of crappy ways to break up with somebody, but the worst way I ever did it was the passive-aggressive way, the one where you slowly withdraw because you don't want to deal, but don't actually want to admit it, and then get too wrapped up in just about everything else. This stretches a breakup over MONTHS. It's terrible. Don't do it.
The other party in this breakup isn't blameless; I had reasons to withdraw and not deal. But I should have at least had the testicular fortitude to lay out how I was feeling, but I didn't.
On the other hand, she dumped me for a woman, did the exact same crap to her, and now neither of us talk to her and we're good friends. So at least it makes a great story when drinking, and it was a learning experience.
Gal Pal:
I'd love to hear everyone's best/worst breakup stories in the comments - please post! The worst way I've ever been broken up with was when my boyfriend at the time pocket-dialed me while he was on a date with another girl. I knew we were pretty much over when I heard them kissing. I don't know if I'll ever recover from hearing that.
Mystery Man says:
Yes, of course you can. Love is not an exclusive thing, but rather the more you have, the more you give.
Loyalty, on the other hand, is exclusive. You got a husband you say you love. Solemn promises you made. Don't go breaking him, or them, just for a bit of excitement.
Gal Pal says:
Well said, Mystery Philosopher! I agree that we can love many people at once. But if those people expect exclusivity from us, we must make our choice. That choice, unfortunately, usually seems impossible. (I LOVE the litmus test Smokechick suggested in the comments: "Who do you like more? Trapped on a desert island/ in an elevator / long roadtrip - which do you choose?" The only problem is, life and relationships are about more than desert islands and stuck elevators. They're about paying bills and cleaning the kitchen and standing by each other in sickness and in health. Think very long and very hard about what you're signing up for - and sacrificing - with each of these men.
I, for one, love all the GuySpeak guys exactly equally. Thanks for playing, guys and girls. And see you at the live Oscar chat Sunday night!
I usually win the contest amongst people I know for worst break-up story. My boyfriend of three and a half years broke up with me...via text...while I was at work...two days before he was leaving for Vegas for a week. He also told me not to be a "psycho" and try and contact him ever again.
Worst break-up.....a hallmark card with my apartment key inside the envelope after i spent the entire week prior taking care of his stupid dog while he was out of town...also I had gotten him my corp discount for his rental car...total douche!
2nd worst break-up...text message while I was running on the treadmill at the gym....men are such cowards!
it's sorry to act on silent, he doen't know what is better for other but good for him? end up not fix the issue? give space things will change as day go pass,
i hope 2. think positive!
My ex used to only come by at night, claiming it was his work schedule.