Well, amid the roughly 3 million relationship conversations that I've had, I've come to one very simple conclusion about what we're looking for: Men are looking for exceptional women, and women are looking for accessible men.
Common sense really could solve 90 percent of the world's problems, I swear.
Let's start with the menfolks. Men are not wowed by degrees, how many houses you have, or how many power deals you've brokered. That's great and all but it doesn't necessarily make us want to introduce you to our mothers. It is impressive though. Keep that up. We're all looking for a woman who has that special something that makes us not want to be away from you. Something...magical.
Most of us can't really describe it you just know it when we feel it. We feel like we've got the one snowflake that stands head and shoulders above the rest. The "exceptional" woman that induces us to tell all of our friends and family members that this one's "different." From what? Who knows, but she is. And it has nothing to do with her degrees or her accomplishments, its solely about her and that something about her that draws us in and makes us think we're special because we found the special one. The exceptional woman.
Women on the other hand will likely live without an exceptional man by woman standards. What are woman standards? Glad you asked. In general woman standards tend to be resume driven and focused. His financial stability and security. His loyalty and devotion to a cause. Basically the sum total of a man's goals in life. His substance. Women will tend to sacrifice a lot of that as long as the man she's dealing with is accessible.
What do I mean by that? Well, as long as he's able to love her in a way she wants, and is open and honest and communicates with her when necessary and makes her feel like she matters, she'll never leave. Of course sexual intimacy and bedroom accessibility matters here too. Not sex just for sex sake, but actual love. In a nutshell, women need to be able to have access to man's vulnerable and human side and be made to feel like he feels like she's the only woman who matters. Emotional accessiblity.
Again, common sense.
Men want a woman who stands above all others and women want a man to make her feel like she stands above all others. It should be simple math. But because we're people we suck and play games.
What's the solution? No clue. I'm like a consultant. I'll tell you what the issue is and you get to solve it.
But I'm pretty sure it all starts with a hug.
I think this is because women are always made to feel bad about wanting a man who's rich and handsome since men are always complaining about how poorly women treat "nice guys" and how they're so stupid to get involved with "assholes".
I think your terminology is exactly right, and you're also probably right about the majority of men and women. However, I'm a woman and I always go after exceptional guys (and tend to have lots of other "male" dating habits). I'm struggling right now with whether or not to get serious with an "accessible" guy. It's easy and comfortable. But the exceptional guys, the ones that don't always text you back within 30 seconds, are so much more exciting to me!
wow. the exceptional guys are the ones who dont text back within 30 seconds? are you 15? lol. WOW.
yep, that's exactly what I thought...
Nicely stated, GBFF. I think you're exactly on point. I usually refer to what you call accessible, available. At the tender age of 21, unfortunately I've only encountered the unavailables, of which there are far too many in the college scene. Most guys in their early twenties are just looking for hook-ups, not exceptional women, therefore making them (the guys) unavailable. I think guys have to be emotionally mature enough before they can even recognize exceptional women. Your thoughts?
I don't think every guy of certain age is just looking for hook-ups.
I think you're more likely to encounter the one's who are looking for hook-ups because they are the ones putting themselves out there.
The other guys (and girls) are putting their efforts into other areas in their developing lives.
This would put either party in a somewhat unavailable category, to varying extents.
In your early twenties you are still figuring out who you are, what you want, and only just starting to learn how to balance all the many facets of life.
As you get older, you get better at balancing, and better at identifying what you best suits you.
This goes for both males and females.
It's just a theory, what do you think?
I think you're right about the guys looking for hook-ups putting themselves out there more and therefore attracting more attention to themselves. Based on my experience, most guys around my age are only looking for hook-ups. Not all, but most. Of course there my age who're in relationships - quite a good number of them, to boot. But I also don't "like" / become interested in dating guys very often, so it's that much harder to find a guy who's actually emotionally mature.
I have a 21 year old son who is neither dating nor in a relationship because he is concentrating on school at this point. He is working towards eventually becoming a pharmacist. He isn't the type of guy to "hook up" and he can't be committed to a relationship right now, she he doesn't put himself out there. I think you're right that the "hookup" guys (and girls) are the ones who are primarily putting themselves out there, or at least the ones that get noticed first because they make an effort to call attention to themselves.
Haha I think I'm like your polar opposite: I'm 20, myself, but only looking for hookups basically. The guys I've encountered, on the other hand, often want relationships and are quite accessible. In fact the two last guys who have wanted a relationship were 19 and 22. That said, I've had a 19 and a 23 year old who just wanted hook-ups. I suppose my point is: I don't think age has anything to do with it whatsoever, it's more about where a person is in her or his life. Maybe college guys are less inclined at your uni because they feel like college is the place to experience freedom, and a relationship is a constriction. That's how I feel, at any rate ;)
Interesting way of putting it. It's funny, because as I was reading the first bit I was thinking "But that's me and my boyfriend! *He's* the exceptional one" but then the second part resonated so much with me that I re-evaluated my reaction. And, for me at least, you're right: that's exactly my situation with my boyfriend.
But I would also say that women are looking for the "exceptional" man as well, in a way. Maybe what makes a man special and "different" for us *is* that sense of accessibility? Just a thought.
I agree with this- I think it's a SAD truth. Although we have come a long way as a society- women are still looked at as having an "expiration date"- we don't believe we have time to wait around for the "exceptional" guy. Men, however, are taught from a very young age that they all deserve supermodels who happen to be 100% compatible with them, and therefore don't think they need to settle so quickly. Of course, with years under their belts many men wise up and realize that relationships don't work that way and begin looking for realistic women. However, this doesn't really happen as early in life for men as it does for women.
I also think women are conditioned to worry most about what men think of them as opposed to what they think of the certain man- we worry more about impressing than being impressed (in general). I don't think men do this as often.
So... In a nutshell, do your best and be your sweet self?
Awesome topic and blog!!!
You've made my day.
Thanks GBFF.
absolutely brilliant, PJ, bravo. i have been reading a lot of research about it myself for work lately and have been reading very much the same things. the exceptional woman is the one that knows how to make him feel like he's exceptional and thats what makes him stick around. that "different" factor you describe, she says and does the things that nobody else has ever done kind of thing but there's no one thing you can say is or isn't it, because its different for everybody lol and you're absolutely right about the accessibility factor too i think. arent half the questions here complaining about texting or calling or communication issues of some sort? it's all so true. i wrote an article several years ago about the source of infidelity when it's women cheating, and most of my research showed it was more an emotional affair than anything else, or started that way because women were finding their husbands emotionally unaccessible. and men cheat or go to prostitutes because their woman has stopped being exceptional to them. it's the stereotypical movie scene where the guy is telling his deepest darkest secrets that he cant tell his wife to the prostitute. i dont know what the solution is either, but i think talking more is never a bad thing and i think a lot of people forget to respect their partners and when those two things start to go breakdowns happen. she starts complaining more and more about what he's not doing to fulfill her needs, the only message that sends is that he's not good enough, so of course he's going to pull away. and, maybe some women are gonna hate me for this, but i do think women have expectations and standards that are a little too high, so when they aren't met, that cycle happens. so we need to start being a little more exceptional and maybe communicating our needs a little better without making him feel like a piece of shit for not meeting them, and yeah, if they were there to listen, that would be awesome, which would make it very easy to be exceptional for them.
I really enjoyed reading your ideas. You really, really made me stop and think when you said that women often make men feel like they're not good enough/not fulfilling our needs (whtether it be not hearing from them enough, them not knowing the "perfect" thing to say, etc) and thus, they start to pull away. Because if there's one thing a man hates, it's feeling inferior/inadequate.
That will really help me to re-examine the way I treat guys in the future. I have a way about me that's good for drawing guys in, but I fall apart after a few weeks and start panicking about "where this is going." And now that I think about it, it probably does make guys feel like they're being blindsided by this "thing" that they're doing wrong, and they start to back off.
So basically, it's like I start off "exceptional" (with only certain guys, of course) but fizzle out. Like you said, maybe better communication is the key, so that I stop inadvertently making guys feel like crap at some point.
Very interesting stuff, lots to think about!
thank you :) we've all been there, seriously. you know there is that famous einstein quote about the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. but we keep making the same mistakes and the mistakes that women make usually involve getting caught up in that "where is this going" thing instead of just enjoying their man in this moment. we want him to act a certain way to get there (ie if he were calling every day i would know where this is going), and then when he doesn't we get mad at him, and he has no clue what the hell is going on lol no wonder we look crazy half the time. it's still a two way street though, they dont get off the hook. it's about still maintaining your standards so you don't settle for guys that are anything less than willing to be there to listen to you and WANT to know what your needs are so that they can help make happy for you.
where is that magic really is? Don't you think it's something that we possess naturally as Ladies? But I feel so called difference is perceived in various ways by different men. Isn't it?
Won't that magic will be obvious, when we fall in love with the guy of our dreams?
Awesome blog! So true! Love your answers!
I wholeheartedly agree with this article, especially the simple ending: "Men want a woman who stands above all others and women want a man to make her feel like she stands above all others." But ultimately my concern is that for whatever reason I can speculate on for days, 'accessible men' are almost extinct! It just seems like men more and more have become protective of themselves and their pride, and therefore less able, through habit perhaps, to be open and vulnerable and all that stuff required for said 'accessibility'. So as a woman I feel like I'm left with only two options, well, three: 1) Wait forever for that accessible man, 2)Give up completely on finding that accesseble man (therefore being chaste and celibate, or going lesbian) and 3) (which all counseling argues against) find a man whos absolutley wonderful in so many OTHER ways and try to help them understand this concept. (ie: 'try to change him'). ARE WE REALLY DOOMED TO THIS???
I love this and I especially love the last paragraph! *hugs*
I disagree. I think both men and women want someone who they think is exceptional, and who thinks that they are exceptional.
My ex was almost exactly the guy you describe in the second half of the article, but I broke up with him. It was very hard, but I did do it because something special was missing - he wasn't "exceptional" in my eyes.
I think you're article is somewhat sexist; I really don't think men and women are that different when it comes to what they feel, just the way they express it is different.