"I'm gay for kids now." -- LOVE THAT!

"If you come out deformed or ugly as shit I'll still love and protect you."
With every fiber of his being.

Great post, Cary. And no, I'm not brave enough to do a dating review!

Hahahah, good post. Makes me wonder what guys would say about me. I know one guy told me when I dumped him, "You're a bitch, but I still love you." Yeah, right. Your nickname in the bars was "Piss-Tank Peter" and you were proud of that. You thought it meant everybody liked you. You made me laugh for a little while; when I stopped laughing is when I dumped you.

Just thinking about the guys I've gone out with and what I'd say about them. Luckily for them their names have pretty much all faded into the mists of time.

I really love this. It's sweet and tender but funny all at the same time. I want to do one too, but just for the main guys. As for all the extras, well I can't even remember their names. ;)

Chet--You were aggressive, annoying, and a horrible kisser.

George--You were a great boyfriend. You treated me really well. However, you had no spine when it came to standing up to your family. I knew if we had stayed together it would be a constant battle between me and them. Also, you had horrible taste in music.

Frosty--Great kisser. Really affectionate and good looking. You made me feel beautiful and special for about 30 minutes.

Paul--You were sweet, caring, and treated me really well. We were childhood friends and you would have kept me on pedestal. I'm sorry I hurt you and used you as a rebound. You even had great taste in music.

Max--You were a pseudo-intellecutal douchebag, cruel and a liar. The only reason I fucked you was because you were hot. Turns out you couldn't last longer than 2 minutes. Shitty sex and your crappy personality. You failed.

Trevor--You called me "your game" and acted like some hard ass guy from the hood. Then I went to your house and found out you're a total Dungeons and Dragons geek. I actually like that side of you better. Too bad you're only focus on life and felt the meaning of life was money, money, money.

Jake--You were really really really nice. Way too nice and too shy. I had to make not only the first move, but EVERY move. You told me you were in love with me after a week. You had a small dick and were a terrible partner in bed.

Michael--You're my husband. You are awesome. You're perfectly matched to me. A great mix of brains, looks, humor, gentleness, roughness, and understanding. You are a great human being. You win. But I win too.

No names have been changed, I just left out the innocent. If there are omissions, it is not due to drugs or alcohol but because there was no emotional connection there, period.
Fred: I should of known better when you wrote me the poem with the line "stars stabbing through the night."
Harold 1: woulda shoulda
Harold 2: hot but too smart and savvy for me. I like'em more homeboy.
Several teachers: I love smart guys.
Roger: sweet I loved our talks but sexually we just didn't click
Bill: hot sex but the control freak thing put me off.
John: nicest man I ever met or hooked up with. One of the sexiest too. I wish it could of worked out.
Larry: rebound.
MAL: crazy crazy crazy.
Phil: what was I thinking of for 4 years? A complete waste of time and fashion choices.
Currently: must remain unnamed (not because he's married) but completely awesome.

Nice post, Cary. I'm glad his dating life had a happy ending. Happy endings seem rare these days. No one is interested in my dating review--it's a short list and not very interesting.

Drew. You played me Metallica on your guitar and had the coolest spiked boots. You were everything a young gothic girl could want. You also didn't give a shit about me or else you might have shown up on time once and you never would have ditched me at that party.

Jon. Young and stupid doesn't even begin to describe us. Kinky and a bit white trash, you're still the biggest dick I've ever seen, and not one bites like you. Even after everything, it's still the good times I remember. I wish you thought more of yourself than you do, you're so smart but have so little ambition. I want more for you, but it's up to you now.

Pete. You shouldn't have been a rebound. You were so good to me, and I had liked you for so long, but by the time we got our moment it wasn't our time. You were a different man for me, but I failed you. And I hope you've grown out of trying to suck a girls face off, I should have said something about that....

Gilbert. I regretted you enough BEFORE I found out you had a girl friend. Teeny tiny dick, and no decency or loyalty. We still refer to you as the thumb, and yes that's a reference to your dick size. You sir are scum.

Jake. You have the worst Romeo complex I have ever see. You love so fully and so quickly but also so briefly. I couldn't take the yoyoing. You have the most beautiful eyes though.

James. You were sweet, and so passionate, but we were both in love with someone else. We had great conversations, and chilling with you were some of the greatest times in college. Pot, shrooms, hooka... You opened my mind, and when you left I was ok with it. I'm glad you got her back.

Greg. You were a pretentious, snarky, asswipe. And those were my favorite things about you ;)

Sam. I led you on. I am so sorry for that. I wanted to like you, not that it means anything but I really did. You are so nice. Probably too nice, and I took advantage of that.

Bryan. You thought you knew me. You thought you could manipulate me. You were wrong on both counts. You probably need help. And stop putting girls on a pedestal they can't live up to it, and then you get angry that they failed.

Robert. I loved you for so long. But you have a way about you that makes girls crazy. It wasn't until I knew we were truly over that I realized how much I hated who I was with you. That said, you were my best friend, the sex was great, an I love your mom. You are an arrogant bastard, and a user and a master manipulator. And I knew all of that, and I still couldn't let go. But I finally have, and I think you hate that. Stop texting me, if you haven't noticed its been almost four years, and I don't respond to them.

Leo. I wanted so bad to live in your world. You are nuts, but in the most enchanting way. You definitely need help, but I hope you never change. Which sounds terrible, but you have such a unique way of thinking, it's special and beautiful. I left because I was scared of losing myself in your world. I can't explain us in any sane or rational way, and I want to apologize for leaving the way I did. But had I left you any way of contacting me I would have been back, and I couldn't do that.

My love. I'm not mentioning your name because I don't want to jinx anything. Will you marry me? I jest, I know you'll never read this. You're not perfect, but I think you might be perfect for me. You're so good and sweet, and although you were shy at first...now? Now you're the best lover I've had. And I know you might not believe me, but that's because you don't see yourself the way you are. You know you're talented, and you work so hard at that but sometimes I think you think that's all you have to offer. You're much more than the artist. I think your generosity, and compassion, and patience are so natural to you that you don't even realize how much we value them. You are the only man I could see myself marrying, but I promise I'd never mention marriage if I was saying this too your face. It's only been a year and a half, and we both need to be a bit more established before we start talking about that.

Mark - You were funny and I was insecure. I'm glad you're with someone so great now.

Matt - We had some of the best, most stimulating conversations, but you were absolutely smothering me.

Matt - There are few other people for whose safety from their own reckless behaviour I have feared as much as I feared for you. I hope that, wherever you are, you're doing better.

Will - We never even kissed because you were afraid of the age difference, but we did go on dates a few times. You told me I was beautiful like a thunderstorm, and I will forever remember that as a metaphor for how fucked up I was during that year. You kept me afloat.

Taylor - You were an escape route and I'm sorry for that. And I'm sorry for casting you off once I stopped needing you. I realize now that I have actually been in love myself how hard that was on you. You were not a good kisser, but you were amazing in bed.

Loreto - You were a rebound and I am so, so sorry for that. You deserve, and have since found, much better. And you are still one of my best friends.

Chris - I wanted you for a long time and when it finally happened it just made me feel emptier. And then even worse once you stopped contacting me abruptly with no stated reason. When I kissed you it felt like something out of a book.

John - You are an emotionally abusive person and I let you spend a year and a half systematically destroying every inch of self esteem I had, even after we were no longer dating and merely occasionally working together. You were two completely different people drunk or sober. If you'd ever been sober toward the end maybe things would have been different. I'm glad I got out when I did. I'm not glad that I let you keep manipulating me for 6 months afterward. I am not sure if I loved you or if you made me so dependent on you that I only thought I did.

Kareem - You have an undeniable magnetism and your ability to flatter me into sleeping with you was uncanny. I never felt guilty about you, even though I probably should have. Sometimes I wonder if you ever told John about us.

Richard - I don't remember this, but you do. I'm fairly certain there was something in my drink that night, because I didn't drink that much but can't remember anything after midnight. I cried for weeks and could not seem to scrub the smell of you off my skin. I don't blame you. You weren't the one who mixed my drink. You were sweet in the days after. I hope you got your shirt back.

Arturo - I fell in love with you while carving a pumpkin with a butterfly knife and a teaspoon in your kitchen. I only said "I love you" once. I should have told you everyday. We ended on good terms because we were moving to different cities. We still talk and still have amazingly deep conversations. I still care about you. I hope you find your passion.

Zach - I was lonely and you were sweet. We made out and then you let me spend the night even though I didn't want to have sex. But then you told everyone we did anyway, which wasn't cool.

Zack - You were and are brooding and sexy, with a certain glass of scotch and leather bound books appeal. I don't think I've ever been in a room with so much brokenness as your bedroom after, when we discussed former loves. You made me make sure I had all my hairpins so your brother wouldn't find them and ask who'd been here. You still feel guilty, but you shouldn't.

Aaron - I am still with you. You are sweet and kind. I love you more than anything. You are not perfect, but you are perfect for me.

Johnathan- My first grade sweetie. I will never forget how much fun we had. Thanks for holding my hand and being a friend. Thanks for insisting I take off my training wheels. I can still see you standing there telling me to be brave.

The three boys who's names I never knew- That was an awesome night experiencing my first kisses when me and two girlfriends had round robin make out sessions with you guys. You all rock. What good sports.

Gary... or was it Glen. oh gosh. - either way, I led you on. I wanted to be attracted to you because you were such a nice guy. I kissed you and hated it the whole time. Shame on me. I'm sorry.

Jamie- You are a scary ass stalker and YES the police did need to be called. You scared me. The thought of you still scares me.

Ed- My perpetual summer lover, we met when we were babies at the paddling pool. We progressed to the public pool and then the movie theater, where we were destined to become an item. Your dark skin, beautiful body, golden hair and green eyes and charming smile made all the girls want you. I was aware of your cheating but didn't care. I really wanted your body. Plus you had a nice decked out Chevy van to take me partying every summer when I flew in to spend the summer with grandma. Coconut rum, Lemon gin, Blue Oyster Cult, bonfires, parties and risky sex. Sorry I couldn't marry you but our relationship was build on dishonesty. But really.. wasn't that a party?

Rick- Thanks! You were fun and a great friend. I wish you only the best. I also wish you never smoked weed.

Mike- You were so good looking and you were good for my ego. I honestly don't remember much more than that other that the sex being awful. Oh and I still think it is weird how you told me you dated me because you loved my Farrah Fawcett hair.

Dave- You were smart, funny and kind. I loved your head of brown curls and your sweet red lips. I just loved being with you. R.I.P.

My husband- A down to earth great man. We have stayed the course and what a ride. Four wonderful sons and a precious daughter. You are a great provider and a trustworthy friend.

My Sons- My first son -you woke me up and made me feel truly alive. All of my sons- you are wonderful young men and I know it's cliche to say, but you are the best sons a mom can have. I hope to be able to one day add to this list of men with any grandsons that you bless me with. I will do my very best to be a good mother-in-law to your future wives.

Names changed to protect the guilty:

Aaron - The beginning of our relationship was completely effed up. You were verbally abusive and never stopped talking. There were some good times in the middle and you taught me what a good hookup feels like for me, but you could never communicate your own sexual needs. In the end, the relationship got as bipolar as I was as I slid into madness.

Jason - You were my best friend. I'd quietly had a crush on you for longer than I wanted to admit, even though I knew we'd make horrible romantic partners. The sex was amazing though, and I learned a lot from you. I am so, so sorry I hurt you, and I'm glad that we managed to rebuild our friendship.

Yosef - I was too emotionally messed up to be in a relationship, and you crashed a few months after we broke up. The sex was pretty good, but it kind of got weird, and we make better friends than lovers. I'm glad we stayed friends.

Carl - You were an amazing cook, I'll grant you that. Roughly the first year of our relationship was pretty good, and the sex was mostly good, but then the bad stuff kicked in. We kept having the same 3 fights, you were verbally and emotionally abusive, and you totally didn't appreciate what I was putting into the relationship. It probably would've helped a lot if you'd actually gone back on your psych meds, but you refused, instead getting angry at me and sitting around so depressed that you wouldn't shower for a week or wash laundry for over a month. I should've broken up with you long before I did.

Dan - A fwb arrangement that had the "friends" at least equal to the "benefits" was what I wanted, and that's roughly what I got. You are the kinkiest person I've ever met, and some of the stuff we role-played kinda freaks me out in retrospect; it turned me on then mostly because it turned /you/ on. However, you helped me figure out a lot of stuff about my own sexuality and sexual desires which I would probably never have figured out otherwise. Thank you, and I'm glad we're still good friends!

Uri (name unchanged) - You are the kindest, most patient person I've ever met, and your communication skills are just awesome. You are willing to take care of me and pay for my healthcare for life if need be, and with my emotional and physical problems that's a huge thing. Sex with you is better than with anyone I've ever had. I can't wait to marry you and grow old together.

My men/and boys ? :-)

Martin: I was way too young to understand what a relationship is supposed to be. You had a great sense of humor, good looks and were the one of the best to kiss. The sex wasnt that good and you had a really small dick. Also you were messed up and had a fucked up relationship with your family. I'm sorry about that and I'm sorry (and embarrassed) about the way I ended it.
Over an e-mail? Seriously.

John.E: You were the best boyfriend ever. I treated you really bad. But I was way too messed up to stay with you and you know that. Great kisser and fun in bed! You made me feel safe ;)

Nick: What the hell was I doing for a year? You wouldn't even comfort me when I was sad and I had a really tough time that year! Boring in bed. I had to do everything. And you gave me way too little attention. And I do no ask for much!

John: I thought for a long time you were the love of my life. I love that you are so weird, I love that you always stay positive and we had alot of fun together. The sex was amazing! You got the best moves. The next girl will be very lucky. I was lucky to have you. And you were so sweet and patient with me. Thank you for everything. I see you as one of my best friends.

Tom: WOW! You are emotionally retarded. I'm sorry but you are crazy. Not did you only stalk me..texted me 10 messages in 15 minutes AT WORK after I ended whatever we had. You were terrorizing me for weeks.. and it looked like you were sleeping while we were having sex. Man. There I was, riding you, all boys enjoy that and you could've just give SOME kind of reaction. You were so cool with my friends and socially but with girls you gonna need some practice.

Henry: You were too intense. I was not ready for you at all. I'm sorry but I think maybe you were a rebound to me. And how could you say that you love me just after couple of days? Scared the hell out of me. You were understanding and we had some great talks. But you should learn how to kiss. Your kissing was true turn-off.

Joe: We were both too messed up to be with each other. I hope you are better now and healthier. Btw, you were awesome in bed.

And for all of you guys.. What's up with this tongue-kissing? Tongue is nice, but not too much! Save some of it. Don't try to choke us ;)