Not a day goes by that I don't get one question, one very baffling and kind of troubling question:
"He/she is married. Should I date him/her?"
No. No you shouldn't. No matter what the situation, NO.
"But the marriage is unhappy!"
Says who? The person you're thinking about dating? Oh, yeah, they're trustworthy on this topic. They could be unhappy, but the other person isn't. And if they are unhappy, the answer is to get a divorce.
"But their spouse is terrible!"
And this gives you a license to sleep with them because...? It might well be true: there are thousands of awful marriages in America.
"But I love them!"
That's your problem. I know that sounds callous, but it really is. If you love this person, and they love you, the solution is that they be honest with their spouse, get a divorce, and then start dating you.
"But I wanna!"
Well, if you want to crap all over another human being to score, be my guest. Just be ready for the consequences, because there will be consequences, and none of them involve marzipan and kittens.
Look, cheating monster or just miserable spouse, if a person is married and wants to date someone else, there are certain obligations they need to fulfill to do so, mostly involving court dates and divvying up property. It's not fun, but there are legal and emotional obligations here that can't be glossed over.
Also, stop and ask yourself this: do you really want a reputation as a homewrecker?
Amen!!
Thank you!! Some people just don't get it. One girl said, "I'm not going to stop him from calling me" and "if he keeps calling me that's his problem", while claiming at the same time, "I don't want to have anything to do with him and I've told him repeatedly to leave me alone."
I completely agree!
I would agree, but the guy I've been living with for a year is technically still married, so I can't really support your no, never.
They married because she was pregnant, basically ended up hating each other, separated, lived apart, but neither of them have the money to actually divorce each other at the moment, and she's still kept his last name for teaching. And we got together after they'd separated. They will never ever get back together, and neither of them want to in the slightest.
So, you know, married people who are actually married are off limits, yes. Married people who are everything but divorced on paper, that's not morally wrong on any level.
Explain this "not enough money for a divorce" thing. They both want a divorce but can't afford lawyers and don't want to take a chance alone in court? Sounds like you're being led around by the nose.
That's not true at all, Kamakula. Point in case: My parents. They have been separated for ten years, would probably do well to never see each other again, and are both living separate lives. The only unifying bond between them is their children. They would be divorced if they could, but sometimes it's just not financially doable.
What exactly is the financial burden your parents would face by divorcing?
Sometimes the financial burden is the removal of the spouses medical and dental benefits. If the two live apart and are legally separated the spouse can keep those perks. Often those benefits are necessary to keep the mother or father of your children healthy/sane even though you no longer want to remain married.
That still strikes me as a poor reason to stay married. Heck, the stress of being married to someone you now hate would cause expensive health problems, divorcing them, that alone could remove the need for health insurance. And if you can't afford a divorce, what kind of quality people do you think you are going to attract then, if you want to date when still legally married?
Look, we all get divorce is never an easy thing, I was an adult when my parents divorced and it was still hard on me, I've been through a divorce myself. But in the long run, it is better than staying married to someone to absolutely hate. I would not have this wonderful woman in my life, had I stayed married - she's way too classy to fool around with a married man. My mom has been much better off after dumping my cheating father. Divorce is not the end of your life, it only seems like it while you are going through it.
I was referring to couples who are separated and moving on in life yet still technically married so benefits could be received by both. I have two friends that are doing this. My good friend has for all intents and purposes ended all relations with her (ex)husband other than for the kids. If he was cut off her benefit plan he would lose his $500/month in medications. She in turn has a sane man to continue taking part in her sons' lives. She figures it is a fair trade.
Still doesn't make sense. How exactly can he be a good provider if he can't afford his own health insurance. What else is she paying for?
I think people watch too much TV and movies and celebrity gossip. The only time divorce is *financially* expensive is when lawyers have to get involved, and that only necessary if there's a disagreement on dividing marital assets or alimony/child support. If a couple simply mutually agrees to a divorce, agree on division of property, agree on alimony and/or child support, the financial cost of divorce can be quite low.
To Mouse: you might want to have your guy rethink about getting divorced. I am deadly serious about this, I colleague I knew years ago had a similar arrangement. Well, it turned out his "wife" used his relationship with his girlfriend to blindside him in a surprise divorce, seeking alimony and his house, which she put nothing into. In spite of hiring an expensive lawyer, the judge award a big chunk of alimony, his 401K, and his house, and he was still out the lawyer fee. His girlfriend didn't like his new financial situation and left him too. Up to him, don't affect me, but he might want to divorce now and protect himself.
omg! i never go with man who not can even afford pay divorce!!! if man too poor divorce he not worth it! i not want his kid because they also to have bad job and be poor! maybe you should find man able to have good job!
Gee, from the way you have formulated your sentence structure, one can only assume that you have a poor grasp of the English language. Are you one of those " mail order " brides from a foreign country ? You know what I'm talking about, they come to the U.S. and hook up with pathetic guys who can't get a decent American woman. In turn, the brides are looking for a free ride and citizenship. These guys assume these woman are submissive and easily controlled ( not like American women). Usually the joke is on them, however, because after getting the ring ans the legal papers they need they hit the road. Hey Melee, you never " go with guy who can't afford a divorce? Honey , how many married men have you dated? You know, if you took a little time to learn the English language a little better it would come off as you being a little classier than you are right now. Thus means more $$$ for you later, sugar.
Wow, dude, way to represent America with your racism and bigotry. Her comment was lame, too lame to even bother with, unfortunately you sank even lower. News flash, not knowing the English language well has nothing to with intellect; you just proved it right there! My stepdaughter doesn't know English well but she can run circles around most people intellectually and in your case, she could run circles around her circles around you.
I so want to reassure my stepdaughter racism is dying but thanks to race-hating bigots like you, I have to tell her racism in the USA is alive, well, strong, and charged on steroids.
I would also like to think that BOY/GIRLFRIENDS are also off-limits, not just those that are married. What about those that live together but aren't married? What if they have been going out for years?
I think in most cases, people really need to stop being so selfish. What would you do if you were the "other" boy/girlfriend or wife? I guess people just don't really believe in karma
I don't believe in karma, but I do believe in not being a dick.
Karma is a comfort belief for people who feel powerless when they see other people being dicks.
The universe doesn't care what we do. There's no Karma Fairy doling out rewards and punishments.
If he or she has a fling with you, that doesn't mean they don't love their spouse or kids or family life. It means they strayed because they had an itch to scratch and you wanted to. It could be you or it could have been someone else. It doesn't mean automatically they want to replace or start over or want out of what they have. Who doesn't want romance? Why would anyone single want someone not legally, emotionally, physically or financially available because they are spoken for, heavily invested in someone not you...
Married people are set. I can see why they could be attracted to others - they are not dead after all. If you are single and attractive - why waste your time pursuing someone who has nothing for you? If someone left their family for you - their life, fortune and time would still be spent on the previous family... You get what's left over.
To quote "Dr. Phil" who I don't really like, but is correct on this one....
If he'll do it WITH you, he'll do it TO you.
While I don't agree that the non-married individual has any real moral debt to the married individual's partner, it's just good sense to NOT get involved with a immoral person. People blame the "other woman" way too muchc, in my opinion....why be mad a woman who slept with your husband, SHE had no reason to be faithful to you...it's your HUSBAND who screwed up, chose to screw up, and betrayed you. To be mad at the other woman is like being mad at the tree your husband ran into because he ran a red light. Your spouse took vows to honor and stay true to you, so if he strays, HE'S the one who needs 100% of the anger.....the other woman has nothing to do with the betrayal, because she had taken no vow to you.