Due to circustances beyond my control, I have not been able to write a blog post this week. Instead of leaving the blog this week blank altogether, this is a replay the blog from the 25th March, 2011.
Having had the old saying "A stitch in time saves nine," pretty forcibly hammered into my head as a child, I have the habit of walking around the house, garden and car once a week with the small toolbox, looking for things that need repairing and fixing them before they get worse. These small fixes usually take me about 20 minutes, tops, and keep everything running smoothly.
Relationships are no different. They too need maintenence from time to time to keep them in perfect condition. Unlike homes though, there are some things which are unrepairable. These are the things you really shouldn't even try to repair, where meddling leads to problems of often dealbreaking proportions.
Family
Unless you get incredibly lucky, your partner is part of a package deal. Sure, you get him, with his charming quirks, but you also get his family too, in all their annoying, interfering, in-joking, sh*tstirring glory.
When they bother you, and they most definitely will, you tell him to sort it out. Not you. They are his family, not yours, meaning it is his job to keep the peace between you and them, just as it is your job to keep the peace between him and your family.
Crossing the line invariably leads to problems, so don't. Grit your teeth and smile, while counting to ten in Sanskrit.
Friends
Your guy has some friends. I will bet any odds you like that there is at least one you totally detest, usually the one he sees the most and the one that reverts him to moronic high school type antics.
Tough.
Hands off. Nothing for you to fix there.
Taste
Some guys like steak, some are vegetarian. Some guys love opera, others death metal. All are uncultured buffoons when they do not share your likes and dislikes.
Messing with his likes and dislikes is soooooo tempting. After all, you have trained him out of drinking straight from the carton and how to put his dirty clothes in the hamper, so why not educate his taste? What better than getting him hooked on something you love so you can enjoy it together?
Do I even need to tell you why this is a really, really bad idea? Implying that you are better than he is is not the cleverest idea - especially if you actually are. Sure, he'll grudgingly put up with it, and build up resentment against you until he finally explodes like a nuke. The fallout is usually impressively destructive to the relationship.
Secrets
We all have them. The real problem with secrets is they eventually come out, at least partially. A careless word, a gesture, even a nightmare and you suddenly have a clue that there is something he has never told you.
That is an intolerable state of affairs.
You, being human, dig. After all, talking things out is what seperates us from rats. Some petty, some silly, some truly shameful stuff can come out, but usually something he simply wants to forget ever happened. Congrats - you just broke a perfectly adequate man by trying to fix a bit of him that didn't need fixing.
Trust
"Hold it right there, MM," I hear you say. "You always tell us that trust issues can be fixed." Well, yes, technically they can. Never as solidly as it was before though - it is like using epoxy to repair a broken china plate. The break line always shows.
That brings us down to the real problem with fixing trust. Whether or not it should even be attempted. Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me is a pretty fair guideline to use.
Without trust, there is no such thing as love.
Having had the old saying "A stitch in time saves nine," pretty forcibly hammered into my head as a child, I have the habit of walking around the house, garden and car once a week with the small toolbox, looking for things that need repairing and fixing them before they get worse. These small fixes usually take me about 20 minutes, tops, and keep everything running smoothly.
Relationships are no different. They too need maintenence from time to time to keep them in perfect condition. Unlike homes though, there are some things which are unrepairable. These are the things you really shouldn't even try to repair, where meddling leads to problems of often dealbreaking proportions.
Family
Unless you get incredibly lucky, your partner is part of a package deal. Sure, you get him, with his charming quirks, but you also get his family too, in all their annoying, interfering, in-joking, sh*tstirring glory.
When they bother you, and they most definitely will, you tell him to sort it out. Not you. They are his family, not yours, meaning it is his job to keep the peace between you and them, just as it is your job to keep the peace between him and your family.
Crossing the line invariably leads to problems, so don't. Grit your teeth and smile, while counting to ten in Sanskrit.
Friends
Your guy has some friends. I will bet any odds you like that there is at least one you totally detest, usually the one he sees the most and the one that reverts him to moronic high school type antics.
Tough.
Hands off. Nothing for you to fix there.
Taste
Some guys like steak, some are vegetarian. Some guys love opera, others death metal. All are uncultured buffoons when they do not share your likes and dislikes.
Messing with his likes and dislikes is soooooo tempting. After all, you have trained him out of drinking straight from the carton and how to put his dirty clothes in the hamper, so why not educate his taste? What better than getting him hooked on something you love so you can enjoy it together?
Do I even need to tell you why this is a really, really bad idea? Implying that you are better than he is is not the cleverest idea - especially if you actually are. Sure, he'll grudgingly put up with it, and build up resentment against you until he finally explodes like a nuke. The fallout is usually impressively destructive to the relationship.
Secrets
We all have them. The real problem with secrets is they eventually come out, at least partially. A careless word, a gesture, even a nightmare and you suddenly have a clue that there is something he has never told you.
That is an intolerable state of affairs.
You, being human, dig. After all, talking things out is what seperates us from rats. Some petty, some silly, some truly shameful stuff can come out, but usually something he simply wants to forget ever happened. Congrats - you just broke a perfectly adequate man by trying to fix a bit of him that didn't need fixing.
Trust
"Hold it right there, MM," I hear you say. "You always tell us that trust issues can be fixed." Well, yes, technically they can. Never as solidly as it was before though - it is like using epoxy to repair a broken china plate. The break line always shows.
That brings us down to the real problem with fixing trust. Whether or not it should even be attempted. Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me is a pretty fair guideline to use.
Without trust, there is no such thing as love.
As far as taste goes, I think there's a difference between trying to change it and introducing them to something you're almost sure they'll like. "Oh you like band X then you'll love band Y!!! They both draw heavily from famous classic rock band Z." And if band Y leads them to something else, and their tastes are expanded because not only does band Y draw heavily from band Z but they love incorporating classical orchestration, or techno beats, or covering 80's pop, then so be it. To me that's exploring music or whatever art/entertainment for with him not forcing change on him. The only reason I like most of what I like is because someone with an opinion I trust told me to give it a try. From there you accept or reject it. I'd never want to force opera on a man who doesn't like opera, but it never hurts to expand your horizons. I love smoked salmon on brie and hate pate, loge hot dogs and hate burgers, but I'm glad someone offered them to me, trying them informed my tastes greatly, just like trying new music. Oddly I'm vegan now, so I haven't any of those in quite some time...doesn't change my opinion on their flavors.
I see your point, but the problem becomes is so often the woman comes across condescending towards his tastes and a little elitist about her tastes (guys do this too).
I think its great to be introduced to new things, so long as that is the only intent and purpose, it's great.