This week on Guyspeak, we're digging into the deep dark closet of manliness and hauling out the hidden secrets and monogrammed bowling balls that haven't seen the light of day since Rick Astley music was played non-ironically. And have I got a doozie. An uplifting, poignant, Webby-worthy doozie.
It starts with my clumsily cribbed version of the Secret slogan, and it ends with every man you know curled in the fetal position crying. Because the secret I choose to bestow is that no matter how tough you think your guy is, he isn't.
Admittedly, many of you probably already know this. Ball breakers? I'm looking at you. You're the ones who figured this intel out long ago and now use that power for evil. Some of you may have earned a glimpse at your man's sensitive side the honest way: withholding sex. But there are still way too many women out there who think of men as generally confident, simple-minded eating and fighting machines who occasionally fart.
And while our ability to kill (and fart) IS formidable, it doesn't change the fact that every guy struggles with a societal identity crisis as acute as the one that has plagued women for centuries: just as culture demands you be pretty, untouchable waifs, it demands we be gruff robots with no setting between anger, sex, and a fatherly pat on the head.
Imagine it: you can't laugh at a fart. We HAVE to. You think we LIKE finding flatulence hilarious? No, culture demands it of us. Here we are, two genders trapped by each others' perceptions of the other. I'd say we're in the same boat, but a lot more of you have been beaten and not able to vote and all that for a while, so I'll just say we're close.
We men are weak. We are neurotic. We DON'T know you love us, and we DO need to hear it. We're everything you are, because we're human. It's something most of us "know," but often forget. Consider this a reminder next time you wonder why the bf is acting so damn weird. Because there's a good chance his little baby feelings are hurt.
So that's it. The secret is out, the music is swelling, and my work here is done. As I wipe dirt from my leathery hands and stride into a sunset sequined with flights of wild Canadian geese, know that you have been touched by me...changed...you have encountered...
The Guyspeaker.
It starts with my clumsily cribbed version of the Secret slogan, and it ends with every man you know curled in the fetal position crying. Because the secret I choose to bestow is that no matter how tough you think your guy is, he isn't.
Admittedly, many of you probably already know this. Ball breakers? I'm looking at you. You're the ones who figured this intel out long ago and now use that power for evil. Some of you may have earned a glimpse at your man's sensitive side the honest way: withholding sex. But there are still way too many women out there who think of men as generally confident, simple-minded eating and fighting machines who occasionally fart.
And while our ability to kill (and fart) IS formidable, it doesn't change the fact that every guy struggles with a societal identity crisis as acute as the one that has plagued women for centuries: just as culture demands you be pretty, untouchable waifs, it demands we be gruff robots with no setting between anger, sex, and a fatherly pat on the head.
Imagine it: you can't laugh at a fart. We HAVE to. You think we LIKE finding flatulence hilarious? No, culture demands it of us. Here we are, two genders trapped by each others' perceptions of the other. I'd say we're in the same boat, but a lot more of you have been beaten and not able to vote and all that for a while, so I'll just say we're close.
We men are weak. We are neurotic. We DON'T know you love us, and we DO need to hear it. We're everything you are, because we're human. It's something most of us "know," but often forget. Consider this a reminder next time you wonder why the bf is acting so damn weird. Because there's a good chance his little baby feelings are hurt.
So that's it. The secret is out, the music is swelling, and my work here is done. As I wipe dirt from my leathery hands and stride into a sunset sequined with flights of wild Canadian geese, know that you have been touched by me...changed...you have encountered...
The Guyspeaker.
I really like how you point out both genders are human and that we both need love. I think we all get caught up in the shallow differences and it leads to so many conflicts when really have the same needs.
Dude, you just got wisdom all over me! WTF?
That should wash right out with some bleach and harsh scrubbing.
It's gonna stain the silks though. You can't even shout that stuff out.
Swaim, somehow you always manage to say it best. Hilariously best.
PS. Sweatermelons.
That is all.
I think way to often we forget that oh so important fact: that we are all human. We all have feelings too. And just like the fact that some of us are men and some women, some have dark hair and some light...(ect,ect... I don't need to keep going do I?) we all react differently to the way our feelings make us feel. It took me a minute but I realize that the way I respond when I am hurt or angry may be on the total opposite end of the spectrum as how my boyfriend reacts to the same feelings.
Swaim speak for yourself on the fart front.
The only time I won't find a room clearing fart funny is if I'm trapped in an elevator after all the floor buttons have been pressed. (otherwise known as an elevator bomber: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=elevator+bomber)
I have to say that for the past few of hours i have been hooked by the amazing articles on this site. Keep up the good work.
I have to say that for the last couple of hours i have been hooked by the impressive posts on this blog. Keep up the wonderful work.
hahha I agree