A good friend of mine just got unexpectedly dumped. The guy says that he still wants to be friends, but she doesn't want to prolong her agony. Guys -- do you think it's OK to stay friends with your exes? Is there a certain period of time you should have no contact? To friend or unfriend the ex -- that is the question.
Wise-Ass says:
Being friends with an ex after a breakup is one of those things that sounds good in theory but rarely works. Most breakups are preceded by lots of anger and hurt, and it's hard to just push that aside and say, "Okay, now we're bestest buds!" like nothing happened. Then exes end up in the sack again, which complicates and confuses everything--"Are we back together or just FWB?"--and usually results in even more hurt when one wants to get back together and the other doesn't.
I'm sticking with what I always say: clean breaks. There may be exceptions, but you probably aren't that one in one hundred. "Best thing to do with death is ride off from it." - Woodrow Call, "Lonesome Dove"
Mystery Man says:
I have stayed good friends with all bar one of my exes. In each case, we simply grew apart so there was no big drama, just good shared memories and best wishes for each other.
The one I am not a friend with - well, she was, and is, a total bitch. Everyone gets one of them at some stage.
Funny Guy says:
One of the hardest parts of breaking up is this fact: You can't do it with your partner. It doesn't work. Separating requires space and safe distance -- much like a triple cartwheel round-off. After your tears settle and the brain recalibrates, it's a positive thing to be friends with your exes. It substantiates the fact that this person you once dated is at their core a swell person, not a monstrous flesh pillow you hope is currently rotting in the Hudson River.
Wise-Ass says:
Reformed Player says:
It really depends on the situation. If you got dumped in your emotional equivalent of Hiroshima, that person should really be treated as similarly radioactive. No good can really come of observing a person who hurt you moving on.
But if it was fairly amicable or mutual, it's possible to remain friends. Just realize that in future relationships, men and women both can act a little weird when they discover their S.O. has an ex in the friends list. Especially if that ex starts commenting on stuff.
Girls' BFF says:
I think it's okay to stay friends with your exes though its completely dependent on why you all are breaking up. If cheating occurred, then it's a no go. But if you both realized you just can't make it work, I think that after some amount of cool down time, you will be able to like each other again as people. Though, I'm guessing most guys are hoping for more romps in the hay. But I would never do such a thing! Never! If you think you can be cool with the, then why not? This person was a significant part of your life so it makes sense to want them to still be there. But if not...off with their heads.
Gal Pal says:
Time heals all. Just give yourself plenty of it. Don't let a guy who hurt you use "friendship" as a way to keep you in his life before you're truly over him. And you're only truly over him when you can sincerely wish him happiness with someone else. If you're not there yet, do not get onboard the friend train - it'll run you over every time.
I am going through a similar situation. We were friends before we dated and fell for each other. He realized we were both going to have our hearts broken when he leaves for school next year so e ended it. After a month of trying to remain friends I told him I couldn't so it because it's giving me false hope of reconciliation. (we work together so I see him every day). He got angry told me he was sorry I felt that way and stopped speaking to me all together. I took it back and told him it was more pain having him hate me and he said my initial idea was for the best for now. So now we don't speak at all, don't even look at each other (when the other is looking) and I know it hurts us both but don't see how to go back to the way it was before with our friendship now. Not sure how long to give him before I should try and get him to speak to me again. I really miss our friendship and I'm afraid I'll never get that back. As long as he knows I still care for him, I think he'll keep his distance.
If your friend is going to unfriend her ex, tell her to think it over first, it's harder than the breakup!
Oh Kelly, hang in there, sounds like you're going through a tough time. I think it will be easier once he goes away to school. Thanks for sharing your story and your advice!
There shouldn't be rules about this .. if you got dumped, then the other party don't get to say in what form he/she wants you in their lives , you should do whatever makes YOU comfortable, and that varies, depending on the situation ( the breakup itself) and the person.
I'm a bit particular about who I am friends with and exes don't cut it i'm afraid. Not that they aren't a good bunch of people, some of them are genuinely lovely but theres a reason why I ended it, and seeing their face everday is probably one of them. If someone were to dump me, they would be the last person I'd want to call a friend. I don't entirely understand the "friendship with ex" reasoning unless you share sometime important that necessitates you to spend time together..like a child. I can't imagine my current boyfriend would understand it entirely either. I think he'd be a bit miffed if i were to invite round a guy for some wine an cheese knowing that I'd banged him sideways, called him baby and touched his willy explicitly.
But hey.. each to their own.
I think that unless the breakup was a total drama bomb, exes can be friends, but there needs to be a period of radio silence to readjust first. That has been my experience and the experience of several good friends. The length of time necessary to readjust varies wildly depending on the nature of the relationship and the circumstances of the breakup. As in, I had one casual 3-month relationship where the adjustment period was about a day and we are still good friends, whereas my friend came out of one serious 3-year relationship and found that 5 months later he still hoped they'd eventually get back together. You run into trouble when you try to skip the adjustment period and go straight back to being friends, because yes, then you will end up either back in bed together or fighting ferociously, but once you've taken the necessary time off you can be friends again.
I'm going through a situation where my ex boyfriend finished the relationship and wants to remain close friends and keep in touch all the time.
He was texting me all the time, making up conversation and inviting me to do stuff together "as friends". First I was so desperated and decided that I was going to accept the friendship he was offering but then this "friendship" started to be really bad for me and I asked him to give me time and not contact me for a while until I was able to be friends.
Since I asked him to not contact me he haven't and just answer when I contact him.
In my opinion friendship between men and women can on;y exist if there is no attraction and no romantic feelings envolved. I still have feelings for him so it's better keep distance while those feelings are gone.
What I wonder is: How can he be ready to be friends so quickly? How his feelings for me were gone so fast to the point that he can be friends so fast?
So I am dealing with a similar issue....My roommate and I have confessed we both have feelings for each other and want something more. However after a little while he decided it wouldn't be a good idea since he is really bad with long-term relationships and doesn't want to ruin our friendship. We are not only roommates but also work together. I am not sure how to get over my feelings for him and have been thinking I might need to move out. Not sure if this is the wise choice since it would make working difficult. Or should I just give it time and hope we can still stay friends?
So I am dealing with a similar issue....My roommate and I have confessed we both have feelings for each other and want something more. However after a little while he decided it wouldn't be a good idea since he is really bad with long-term relationships and doesn't want to ruin our friendship. We are not only roommates but also work together. I am not sure how to get over my feelings for him and have been thinking I might need to move out. Not sure if this is the wise choice since it would make working difficult. Or should I just give it time and hope we can still stay friends?
So I am dealing with a similar issue....My roommate and I have confessed we both have feelings for each other and want something more. However after a little while he decided it wouldn't be a good idea since he is really bad with long-term relationships and doesn't want to ruin our friendship. We are not only roommates but also work together. I am not sure how to get over my feelings for him and have been thinking I might need to move out. Not sure if this is the wise choice since it would make working difficult. Or should I just give it time and hope we can still stay friends?
Kelly I think sometimes the reason a ex want to reamain friends aren't as innocent as we think.
In my case I'm thinking about myself first. I'm not ready to be friends with him and maybe I won't never be ready to be friends with him so I've decided to cut all contact until I get totally over him.
Such good advice and opinions on this topic -- obviously lots of different approaches but I think the best approach is the one that is healthiest for YOU, not one that makes the ex feel less guilty.
I must say that I am in the opposite side of the spectrum. My current bf of 6months still talks to his ex thru via txt or email everyday. Mind you she lives in another state. He states that he has to talk to her bcuz of the divorce and states that they are still friends. But my question is how can he get over her if he constantly talks to her? How can he be in love with me if he hasnt let go of her yet?
Who asked this question??? I feel like everyone who responded is in a similar situation! :D
You can try and you can hope, but reality is like a sucker punch, it hits suddenly and it hits hard...
Similar situation happened to me a couple of times, but because I accepted her request to be "friends" with her after we broke up, we got back together again...
(btw, fyi: I broke it off coz she cheated on me)
Its a really unhealthy cycle and it doesn't end until you can think straight.
Get it into your skull and keep it there: nothings gonna change and nothing will change. Cut your losses and sever all contact with him for at least 6 mths, more if necessary. After you've calmed down and shown yourself that you don't need him/her, then decide if you wanna be friends with him/her
And if they cant accept your need for space, you're better off without them anyway