Last week New York magazine profiled Maria Coder, who offers tips on stalking prospective dates online to make sure they're legit. (Coder even claims that Craigslist is as safe as other dating sites if you do your research.) Guys -- how much investigating/stalking of potential dates do you think is appropriate and necessary? Do you check every tiny detail, down to their middle school GPA? Or do you like to leave a little mystery?
Chic Geek says:
Do your research, sure. But there's such a thing as overpreparing and killing the mystery. There's often nothing more exciting than learning about someone you like's childhood, or high school years. If you Facebook stalk him before the date and discover that, say, he played the lead in Pirates of Penzance in the 9th grade, the funny anecdote he has about how tight the costume was is going to be far less amusing. I would hate to be on a date and realize that half of my hilarious stories have been spoiled by the Internet.
Also, you can Google stalk someone thoroughly and still end up with a crazy person or a cheater. People are getting better about pruning and beautifying their digital lives. There's still something to be said for instinct and common sense. And ultimately, you have to take a chance and hope that the nice, normal guy you've been chatting with on a dating site is actually like he says he is. Otherwise you'll never get off Google.
Mystery Man says:
Anyone who would want to date me I wouldn't want to date, due to their lamentable lack of taste. And preliminary investigations? Do I look like the Hardy Boys here? Not knowing is 99% of the fun. I don't even approve of Facebook friending before the first date.
Ms. Coder, with all due respect, has fallen into the trap of demanding too much information. She want to fall in love with who she thinks the guy is, based on his minimal writing skills and filtered through her minimal comprehension skills, rather than the real, flesh and blood person. It doesn't work.
As a fun exercise, try to describe yourself in 100 words or less, and see how appealing you turn out to be. You'll be horrified.
Funny Guy says:
I believe some mystery and intrigue is important. But, I also think you deserve to know just whom you're getting drunk and later dispensing into a Staten Island land fill. That's why when I was deep in the dating scene I borrowed heavily from the good people of New Jersey and their Department of Motor Vehicles. Specifically, their valuable Six Points Identification System.
Like the agency, I allowed prospective dates to provide me with various forms of legal documentation to verify their identity before our meeting. I was stern but reasonable, allowing them combinations of civil birth certificate, valid active duty US military photo ID card, US adoption papers, N-560 Form, N-561, hell, even the N-645 when I was feeling easy.
Once all these cards were on the table, it was over. We could both relax, and get on with getting to know one another...
Wise-Ass says:
Ugh, I hate this Cold War mentality for dating. A cursory background check is okay, but this whole in-depth investigation is way overboard--it feels slimy and adversarial, tinged with a presumption of guilt. You have a right to invade someone's privacy just because you might date them? Never mind the mystery; what about the propriety? What will someone's junior high GPA or that underage drinking bust really tell you about who they are now, decades later? Yes, great idea, let's dig up everyone's past and judge them on it before we ever get to know them in the flesh.
Reformed Player says:
There are two things I take issue with: Coder's mantra, and the fact that this isn't a two-way street.
Here's the first thing: is any woman, or Coder herself, cleaning up their dating profile and being completely honest no matter what with her dating profiles? Honestly, I doubt it. There's a troubling view of "do unto others before they do unto you" here.
I also take issue with "People who have nothing to hide hide nothing." It's true but it's misleading. Everybody hides something, and 99% of the time it's about trust. We all have problems, feelings, issues that we only share with a very few people. It's a trust that has to be built. It strikes me that these women are demanding a lot upfront while giving as little as possible...and that's really just kind of sad.
Gal Pal says:
I wish love to answer this question, but I'm too busy hiring Reputation Defender to clean up my online footprint before prospective dates find out about my Care Bear collection.
Do you Google Stalk potential dates before agreeing to meet them?
Hehe I love MM and WA's answers. There's much to be said about mystery. And actually getting to know people. Sadly, we as a society are in the mentality of having to know it all and know it now.
Google stalking potential dates? Isn't that putting the cart before the horse?
In any case, while I do browse online for info on people before dates, it only happens after there is actually a date. Seems kind of pointless otherwise.
And as far as "knowing too much" goes, that's a whole load of BS. I've known all of my friends for years and there is still a lot I don't know AND I have access to far more information about them online than I would with a new person I just met.
How amusing is less amusing? Most of the responses here just sound like imagined excuses for a lack of chemistry or interest between two people on a date. How exactly do you imagine things going when presumably two people know each other pretty well and have heard the anecdotes five times already?
As scary as this may seem! Been there done and got a t-shirt for it! I dated someone that stalked me but I didnt know they were stalking me until they told me. One of my best relationships. Ended messed up thou.
If I mention I have a date to a friend of mine, the first thing outta her mouth is, “Did you Google him?” She also creeps around on FaceBook to see what she can find too, lol. I’m really not like that outta the gate, but I did Google a guy when his story didn’t add up. My suspicions turn out to be right.