Having had the old saying "A stitch in time saves nine," pretty forcibly hammered into my head as a child, I have the habit of walking around the house, garden and car once a week with the small toolbox, looking for things that need repairing and fixing them before they get worse. These small fixes usually take me about 20 minutes, tops, and keep everything running smoothly.
Relationships are no different. They too need maintenence from time to time to keep them in perfect condition. Unlike homes though, there are some things which are unrepairable. These are the things you really shouldn't even try to repair, where meddling leads to problems of often dealbreaking proportions.
Family
Unless you get incredibly lucky, your partner is part of a package deal. Sure, you get him, with his charming quirks, but you also get his family too, in all their annoying, interfering, in-joking, sh*tstirring glory.
When they bother you, and they most definitely will, you tell him to sort it out. Not you. They are his family, not yours, meaning it is his job to keep the peace between you and them, just as it is your job to keep the peace between him and your family.
Crossing the line invariably leads to problems, so don't. Grit your teeth and smile, while counting to ten in Sanskrit.
Friends
Your guy has some friends. I will bet any odds you like that there is at least one you totally detest, usually the one he sees the most and the one that reverts him to moronic high school type antics.
Tough.
Hands off. Nothing for you to fix there.
Taste
Some guys like steak, some are vegetarian. Some guys love opera, others death metal. All are uncultured buffoons when they do not share your likes and dislikes.
Messing with his likes and dislikes is soooooo tempting. After all, you have trained him out of drinking straight from the carton and how to put his dirty clothes in the hamper, so why not educate his taste? What better than getting him hooked on something you love so you can enjoy it together?
Do I even need to tell you why this is a really, really bad idea? Implying that you are better than he is is not the cleverest idea - especially if you actually are. Sure, he'll grudgingly put up with it, and build up resentment against you until he finally explodes like a nuke. The fallout is usually impressively destructive to the relationship.
Secrets
We all have them. The real problem with secrets is they eventually come out, at least partially. A careless word, a gesture, even a nightmare and you suddenly have a clue that there is something he has never told you.
That is an intolerable state of affairs.
You, being human, dig. After all, talking things out is what seperates us from rats. Some petty, some silly, some truly shameful stuff can come out, but usually something he simply wants to forget ever happened. Congrats - you just broke a perfectly adequate man by trying to fix a bit of him that didn't need fixing.
Trust
"Hold it right there, MM," I hear you say. "You always tell us that trust issues can be fixed." Well, yes, technically they can. Never as solidly as it was before though - it is like using epoxy to repair a broken china plate. The break line always shows.
That brings us down to the real problem with fixing trust. Whether or not it should even be attempted. Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me is a pretty fair guideline to use.
Without trust, there is no such thing as love.
Relationships are no different. They too need maintenence from time to time to keep them in perfect condition. Unlike homes though, there are some things which are unrepairable. These are the things you really shouldn't even try to repair, where meddling leads to problems of often dealbreaking proportions.
Family
Unless you get incredibly lucky, your partner is part of a package deal. Sure, you get him, with his charming quirks, but you also get his family too, in all their annoying, interfering, in-joking, sh*tstirring glory.
When they bother you, and they most definitely will, you tell him to sort it out. Not you. They are his family, not yours, meaning it is his job to keep the peace between you and them, just as it is your job to keep the peace between him and your family.
Crossing the line invariably leads to problems, so don't. Grit your teeth and smile, while counting to ten in Sanskrit.
Friends
Your guy has some friends. I will bet any odds you like that there is at least one you totally detest, usually the one he sees the most and the one that reverts him to moronic high school type antics.
Tough.
Hands off. Nothing for you to fix there.
Taste
Some guys like steak, some are vegetarian. Some guys love opera, others death metal. All are uncultured buffoons when they do not share your likes and dislikes.
Messing with his likes and dislikes is soooooo tempting. After all, you have trained him out of drinking straight from the carton and how to put his dirty clothes in the hamper, so why not educate his taste? What better than getting him hooked on something you love so you can enjoy it together?
Do I even need to tell you why this is a really, really bad idea? Implying that you are better than he is is not the cleverest idea - especially if you actually are. Sure, he'll grudgingly put up with it, and build up resentment against you until he finally explodes like a nuke. The fallout is usually impressively destructive to the relationship.
Secrets
We all have them. The real problem with secrets is they eventually come out, at least partially. A careless word, a gesture, even a nightmare and you suddenly have a clue that there is something he has never told you.
That is an intolerable state of affairs.
You, being human, dig. After all, talking things out is what seperates us from rats. Some petty, some silly, some truly shameful stuff can come out, but usually something he simply wants to forget ever happened. Congrats - you just broke a perfectly adequate man by trying to fix a bit of him that didn't need fixing.
Trust
"Hold it right there, MM," I hear you say. "You always tell us that trust issues can be fixed." Well, yes, technically they can. Never as solidly as it was before though - it is like using epoxy to repair a broken china plate. The break line always shows.
That brings us down to the real problem with fixing trust. Whether or not it should even be attempted. Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me is a pretty fair guideline to use.
Without trust, there is no such thing as love.
This was very well thought out. I think I will take a step back and try to love people for who they are, not what I could "fix" them to be. Thank you for this post MM.
That last line really resonates with me. My SO of 7 yrs is a very wonderful man and we have a good relationship, but he just doesn't trust me even though in 7 yrs I have never given him a reason to doubt my fidelity. It stems from his own insecurity and I am realizing it will never change and trust is so important to me I dont think I can be in a relationship without it. After 7 yrs, aside from other problems I am finding its time to sh*t or get of the pot, so to speak. I am getting of the pot.
I spent to many years in a relationship I shouldn’t have. It sucks, I know. Good luck...
I'm quite torn... With all the programming we've gone through all throughout our lives - you know? Like what the media tells us, or our parents tell us, or our friends and teachers tell us, books and magazines we've read, the Internet, or however we come to our own decisions and conclusions; things about love and all that. It's like saying learn from other people's experiences as we go through our own experiences.
I've always been the voice of reason to all my friends when it comes to relationships, and then when it was my turn to be in a relationship, I felt I was totally seeing and experiencing things like a newborn baby. I was utterly clueless! I know I should give myself more credit, and I know at the end of the day, there really is no right or wrong decision or way - it's just is. We move on regardless, and we hopefully become wiser and smarter and stronger.
This need to fix things - I'm learning to let go of that now. And these unfixable things - I feel that TRUST really is the core of it all. I understand my situation is quite normal now, especially since my significant other is my first boyfriend and I'm currently at the age when women usually think about marriage (or at least a commitment that would lead to it) while the men are still working on their careers. I guess now it's a matter of deciding whether or not I could wait, huh?
Thank you once again for this, MM. I appreciate this, really. *hugs*
Back when I was about 4 or 5, my Grandad told me two things:
"Life is what happens while you are waiting for something else to happen. So pay attention to it."
"You remember yesterday, when you were worrying about tomorrow? Still worried about it now it is here?"
Never forgotten them.
Plan, hope and dream for the future, but don't forget to enjoy the now. Far too many people ignore today cause they are worried about tomorrow.
I find it rather endearing that despite the front you don't give us hugs when you give advice, you still do. :P
This kind of reminds me of the book "Paper Towns" by John Green. There's a part when one of the characters basically says, you have to let people be people. Sure they may drive you crazy with certain things, but they have other things about them that you love. Love them for who they are, and who they aren't as well. Love their perfections and their flaws. That's what got you hooked to them in the first place, isn't it?
Wow, MM. Bullseye. Acceptance and trust are definitely the glue of healthy relationships.
I think this goes for accepting and trusting ourselves (in relationships) too. Lack of these vital ingredients leads to insecurity, paranoia and just your garden-variety low self esteem that erodes good partnerships, and makes us hang on to toxic ones.
You can read about it, talk about it, take steps to repair it, but I swear, if I live to be 1000, I still think I'll be making some mistakes with this.
Thanks for the very insightful post.
Wow...very well said. Thanks MM.
I love the last one about trust. I feel like everyone can relate to that to at least some degree. It's the most important. It's what ties everything together.
On another note, if this isn't too old for somebody to notice and possibly answer (I would so very appreciate it!), in relation to his friends, I understand that it's "hands off" but what about that friend who likes your boyfriend (this isn't just a guess, she's admitted it) and tends to spend all her time with him (I can't, however, because we're long-distance), flirts (a LOT!) and basically makes it really awkward for all his friends that know me and/or know he's in a relationship (yes, I know all about her through them) because for any outsider, the situation looks really sketchy!
I trust him.
It's her I don't trust (if I haven't made it so obvious already >. What am I supposed to do? If I can't tell him to stop spending time with her, because as you say, I can't change who his friends are, do I just have to put up with seeing her drape herself all over him from a distance?
You trust him?
Then you trust him.
Though trying to rip her eyes out is a justifiable option in my book. There is friends - then there is open provocation.
i caught bf emailing his ex for a YEAR while you were together..he told her that he loved her and missed her and when i confronted him he said it was because she was still in love with him and he felt bad...the only reason i believe him is because her emails to him were usually 5 pages long begging him to come back to her..he cried more than i did when i confront him and he's been depressed because he knows how hurt i am...i love him and i want to work through it but i dont know if i can ever trust him again..can we get over this if i can't trust him again?