Another request blog, this time for a very sweet and charming pair of ladies who invariably take the time to answer and comment and rarely ask anything for themselves.
"Well Mist..,maybe you can blog about 'understanding' the difference
between those little red flags & the walls we put up. I'm probably
my own worst enemy there. It's sad when your friends are waiting with
bated breath, wondering 'who will be the one' you'll live happily ever
after with." and "I only wish I could fall for a guy. (Not in a creepy way.) I seem to unconsciously find his faults & bail." from one person (Heyo silky - I did promise!), with the follow on:
"we might be cut from the same cloth. there's a quote from
one tree hill that says "sometimes you put walls up not to keep people
out, but to see who cares enough to break them down". from chrissie101.
So where does justifiable suspicion end and the iron studded granite walls around your heart begin? I don't know. I know for guys, sort of, but not for gals. So I headed to the FB page to ask our readers to give me some hints. A vigorous conversation ensued on the nature of trust, which pointed me in the right direction.
For starters, every person in the conversation agreed that they had some trust issues, brought on by betrayal by lovers, friends or family. Considering the number of people talking, that was actually rather saddening. While discussing this, Emma nailed down the thing that had been hovering in the back of my mind:
" Trusting yourself is something that can be very
difficult I think, on a universal level. It takes a lot of guts to do
certain things."
Trusting others is all about trusting yourself.
A betrayal of trust is a double whammy for most people. Of course, the fact that someone you love(d) could hurt you is painful. We know that and accept that, through stories, if not personal experience.
The fact that you did not see it coming hurts you far worse. Trusting your intuition, which is a scientifically confirmed thing now, is something we all rely on for dealing with other people, more than experience, more than rational thought. Finding out that your intuition seems to have all the perceptiveness of a drunken frat boy on Spring Break shakes your entire self worth.
I know we always say (rightly) that there can be no love without trust. But without trust and confidence in yourself, you have nothing at all. That lack of self trust will poison everything that happens to you. The walls you keep around you, like all sensible and normal people, start to get reinforced.
Instead of leaving your intuition and people sense to get on with the business of handling impressions, you start obsessively going over every bit of behaviour by everyone you meet, and you find things that raise warning flags. Of course you will - you are dealing with human beings, and humans are far from perfect at their best.
You pull back from them slightly. They notice, and pull back slightly from you too, which is another red flag to your mind. Your walls get slightly higher and stronger, in a positive feedback loop that eventually leaves you sitting in an impregnable castle inside your own head and heart. One of your own making. Since most guys do not have the seige weapons or the patience as part of their regular arsenal, you are going to wait a long time for your castle walls to be forced!
Suck's doesn't it.
It does not have to be that way. Stop for a minute and apply your intelligence and compassion to yourself. Forget everyone else. Forget dreams and desires. Just look at yourself. Most of you reading and who have helped with this are smart, witty, compassionate, fun.
I can see that, even through a computer screen and a 300 character maximum. Why can't you?
"The fact that you did not see it coming hurts you far worse. Trusting your intuition, which is a scientifically confirmed thing now, is something we all rely on for dealing with other people, more than experience, more than rational thought. Finding out that your intuition seems to have all the perceptiveness of a drunken frat boy on Spring Break shakes your entire self worth."
I didn't see it coming because I trusted him, not because my instincts were off. I can look back now and see everything my instincts were telling me. I said to myself a few of times, "If it weren't MY hubby, I'd swear he was having an affair." He chose to take that vast trust that he KNEW he had from me and ABUSE it.
My self worth was shaken because the person that I loved and trusted implicitly, no questions asked, betrayed me and lied to me and had a secret life... at MY expense. It wasn't lack of intuition that hurt me, it was the fact that he *willingly* hurt me.
I don't know, maybe one is a "guy thing" and one is a "gal thing." :)
Do I trust him more than I did a year ago? Yes, because he has worked hard on earning it. Do I trust him implicitly again? Absolutely not. Will I ever? I'd like to say yes, but the truth is that I likely won't ever be able to reach 100% Trust again.
it's that whole "forgive and forget" thing. can you really forgive someone 100% if you can't forget the sin they committed that hurt you. i don't know, i dont think you can.some people can, but i will say i have accessed every spiritual and therepeutic resource possible and still struggle with forgiveness daily. forgiveness is probably the name of one of those walls for sure.
I think it’s hard to forgive someone who hasn’t apologized for wronging you.
so f*&kin true.
Forgive doesn't mean forget. It is literally impossible to forget some things. There are transgressions I've "forgotten" (at least largely, lol), and so has he.
Forgiving someone is to say, "I accept your apology, and your actions have shown that you are no longer doing to me what you did in the past. I don't condone what you did, but I bear no malice toward you anymore, and I am ready to move on to the present and the future with you (or at least I am actively working on it)."
I forgave him for my own sanity almost immediately. However, it took him taking action to earn my trust back (even in small increments) before I was able to forgive him for his benefit. But try as I may, I will never, ever be able to "forget" it. Believe you me, if I could forget it, I absolutely would... there are things we would love to just forget and not have to deal with the memories and flashbacks and fallout. The things we cannot forget are when true forgiveness is beyond trying... and a choice we have to make.
It's also OK to choose not to forgive someone, though I certainly wouldn't recommend that if one is also choosing to remain in a relationship with the person whom we can't/won't forgive. :)
To me, what hurt the most was to choose to shut down my intuition while it was right all along. Because finding out what was bugging me though I tried to avoid it (the bug), because you can't help but blame yourself : "I knew it, I should have listened to myself!" and then you pay more attention to your intuition, but the hurt is already made...
Those are the few times you choose heart over head - and shouldn't.
(correction : Because finding out what was bugging me though I tried to avoid it hurt so hard as you can't help blaming yourself. ...)
Sorry it's pretty early here and I still have my head in my cup of coffee..
no, but i know exactly what you are saying. which is why i live my life now, no exceptions, listening to my instinct. because i wish i had a dollar for every time i kicked my ass over that. just that whole i knew it. i knew it i knew it i knew it feeling that makes you want to smash something. repeatedly. that's what makes it harder to choose heart over head again in the future.
ya got me, MM. and if you ever make me cry again i will kick your ass. i really needed to hear it all though. the cool chick in me i saying that is good food for thought. which translates into now i'm probably going to be up all night, thank you very much lol the timing is a strange little synchronicity for me. i have a date on monday with someone i've been seeing for a while, and he has hinted at some frustration in this area. He's certainly respected it, but i do sense he's at a point where he needs a little bit more. and i think, he should have that. i think monday is a make it or break it point, and now i realize thats probably more up to me than anything. so i'm excited about seeing him, but also slightly a little bit completely terrified. we shall see. but this has helped, more than you know, thank you.
I can totally understand what you're going through. Keep me posted on how it goes. Maybe I'll have made up my mind on my own issue and we can compare notes. :P
i promise to do just that. i think it will go well, but again, i know it is up to me and i am fighting it. i just got off the phone with him, he wants to talk about his current and upcoming business stuff, and where i fit in to all of that, and this summer and my summer schedule, and he wants to take me to maine for a few days. and this and that. and he is saying and doing all of the right things and i'm still just freaking out. how do i know he doesnt say this to a thousand other women, and this is just his play and i'm gonna get burned again. i've often been accused of acting like the guy in many relationships, or move on before i get to this point, so i dont have to deal with those walls. he kind of makes me want to stick around and see what to do with them, but, i AM really fighting it. i am inclined to say just to support my river of denial that they arent suffocating me, but i know that they are. because my instinct is saying there is the slightest possible chance that i will fuck something up really good if i pay more attention to my walls than i do with him. then there's the voice, remember what happened last time. so. we will see. i AM working on it.
I wish I could just say go for it, but that would make me one hell of a hypocrite. Still, live and learn as they say. You know I read something somewhere once and it kind of stuck with me. Something about not regretting taking chances and trusting people, because it meant that we're still alive and able to feel. It's what makes us really live and not just get through the days. I was like that once, I think we probably all were. Just gonna have to learn to be that person again. I think it just might be worth the pain in the end. I hope. Good luck!
doesnt make you a hypocrite at all. not at all. yes, we all were. who doesnt want to live a life facing the world with the unbridled innocence of a child who thinks that every single thing in the world is AMAZING. have you seen their smiles? yes, that is definitely living the way life was meant to be lived. i am not unhappy, dont get me wrong i've been complimented on my smile more since my divorce than any other time in my life. but when it comes to love, is the pain worth it in the end if those smiles are the end game? well, head/heart two different answers for me. good luck to you too!
It just stroke me a sec ago : do you know the song "So Unsexy" by Alanis Morissette ? It kinda stick pretty well to the blog...
http://www.deezer.com/fr/music/bebel-gilberto/all-in-one-397646#music/alanis-morissette/under-rug-swept-u-s-version-91562
I don't know why, but somehow I can always find a question or a blog entry here, that I can totally relate too.
My walls are most definately up, and strong at that, but the sad thing is, that I don't want them to come down. If you really want to let someone in, you'll find a way to do it, even if not completely. But being scared, doubting everything, seeing red flags everywhere... These are signs that tell me I still have a really long road ahead of me if I want to start trusting again. Right now, I'm wondering what it will take.
And on the instincts issue. I've been talking and dating this guy for a while, no touching or kissing or anything yet, and my instincts are telling me that he's good, and worth knowing. Worth trying to get to know, at least. But I just can't let go of this fear. I'm still debating whether to keep on seeing him. The thing is, I don't want to drag him along either. He seems nice, he really shoudn't be caught up in this mess of my own making. *sigh*
Side Note: Maybe I'm PMS-ing a little bit, but you made me cry also, MM. Thank you, though, I kind of needed it.
I want mine down...
Then you'll find a way. I promise.
Thanks...
I don’t know…, why can’t I see it? (She says as she wipes a tear from her eye.)
The reality is.., l do have trust issues. I know I’m no different than anyone else…., I get hurt the most by the people I love the most. When that happens, you can find all kind of reasons not to let someone in. I don’t want to be that girl anymore, Mist…, I really don’t. I am thinking long & hard about what you said & will take everything to heart.
It starts tonight…, gulp. I have a first date this evening, with a guy that everyone tells me is super nice. I’m letting go & see where it takes me. Thank you…., from the bottom of my heart. I truly appreciate it. :o)
putting some wall free vibes out there for ya.
Thank you…, I appreciate it.
yah give us a thumbs up or thumbs down for mr. supernice, would love to hear how that goes. i'd say its a very good sign that you have more than one referral on the "supernice" category, that never sucks. are they all saying he is super sexy too? lol
Oh, I do hope it goes well. First dates aren't as hard, though. In my experience, it's when you begin to care or when you see that the other person cares for you, that you really hang on to those damn walls.
Just... take it one step at a time. :)
You’re right on that one. I also know it starts with me…
I would argue that it is not about trusting so much as knowing your own limits, and those limits change with every relationship good or bad. The difference is that a good relationship that ends can be a reminder that it is possible to trust another, whereas as a bad relationship can decrease one's level of trust in others. It would be so much better if we all took each relationship as a lesson in life, rather than obsessing over what we could have done differently to make it work. I have changed that particular tack and now look at each relationship to learn for myself what it is I actually need and want from the next relationship that way I am able to clearly articulate those same needs and wants. The hope continues to be that knowing myself better will allow me to meet someone who will be able to meet my relationship needs.
Now THAT is how you stop the walls suffocating you.
i agree, the more positive experiences you have, the easier it is to not lose hope from a few bad ones. unfortunately that becomes less and less possible when the bad ones have been multiplying off of each other for a very long time. the better you know yourself does make a difference for sure i agree.
That is the core of my argument, take the lessons from the "bad" relationships so that you can use that knowledge to assist you in finding a new partner. What was bad about the last relationship? Ask yourself the questions and be brutally honest with yourself. It can most definitely be a hard task, yet it is worth the effort in the end as you learn more about yourself and take that learning forward in finding what it fits your unique needs.
I let the walls come down for someone not worthy. But instead of putting walls back up, I came out happy knowing at the very least that he was NOT going to be the one. I felt empowered I took a chance and through no fault of mine that relationship did not work. I have great intuition and it serves me very well because I learned to trust myself... Thank goodness because my next boyfriend would become the love of my life.
(That ex called me for YEARS after it was over. He begged, tried to break up with me on Christmas when we were already broken up, made promises... He had no affect on me anymore but I was kind and took his calls. All this reinforced to me I was right about him needing medication.)
I think it’s way cool that we all care about each other’s well being….
i agree!
Thank you I have been told quite a bit recently that I need to trust myself. I was confused on what it really meant now it all makes sense. I definitely have trust issues and looking back I keep saying I should have listened to my gut.
My song for the moment: "How to Love" by Li'l Wayne. Made me cry all night last night.
i had never heard of that one until you mentioned it, it made me cry too. its pretty much MMs answer put to music. why do we fight to believe that though? "the positive feedback loop is one of your own making" *sigh* god i hate hearing that but its so effin true. thanks for posting that.
Sorry to ruin the mood, but this has got to be the mushy-est series of comments I've ever seen on here. Not saying that's a bad thing, but maybe some of you just honestly need to lighten up a little.
I've been screwed over several times, by several people that I loved/was close to. Both guys and female friends. And I'm trying to figure out what makes my outlook so different from some of yours... instead of building "walls", every new person I meet is a new opportunity to me. Like, THIS guy might be a keeper, or THIS friend might be more genuine. I don't know...I just don't let it get me down.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with being smart/wary about entering relationships. But I'm looking through all of this and seeing that some of y'all are going on first dates, seeing a great guy, etc. and all I can think is "sooo what's the problem, exactly?" Sure, you've been hurt. I can relate. But you just can't let your past dictate your future. No matter how hard it is, even if you have to remind yourself every f*cking morning when you wake up, you have to let go of the past. You just have to. No "ifs" "ands" or "buts".
I don't care if I spend the whole rest of my life getting screwed over in the end; the important thing is that each relationship taught me something and shaped me into the person I am today. It's cheesy, but listen to Fighter by Christina Aguilera. Since I've learned to look at life that way, I've been a much happier person.
Oh, and to the person above who said it's hard to forgive someone who doesn't apologize--true. But you can still do it. And it's honestly the sweetest revenge you can get: being able to move on with your own life without carrying the resentment around. And if they never apologize, that's on them. Let them deal with the pain that the guilt will eventually cause them, not you.
for some if it were as easy as lightening up, this topic would not be such an emotional one for many women AND men. though I can appreciate what you are saying. but your outlook is different because your experiences are different, every person has their own outlook, their own experiences. mine is getting better, but i will admit my outlook is still somewhat dampened by dealing with 10 years of every day being emotionally desecrated by the person who was supposed to be my hero. the kind of person who would laugh at me and call me "fat, lazy, and broken" because i couldn't have children any more. and thats one example of about a million, and not even the worst of him that i had to deal with. despite how sick i NOW know he is, i will never get those words out of my head. BUT, i do believe them less every day. i agree with you, every person in your life is a teacher, and it is how you apply the lessons that shape your life. some lessons take longer to sink in though. i also agree that success is the best revenge, as is taking the high road, as it has worked for me more times than it hasn't, but i don't agree that act accomplishes forgiveness. at least in my case it doesnt, but thats ok with me because forgiving him is not a priority or an end game to me, forgiving myself is. dr phil says it takes 1000 "atta boys" to undo 1 "you're a worthless piece of crap" i guess i am still working on that and that's why the walls are there, but with the kindness from MMs words, the readers here, and my own work on me and support system, things like that, that changes every day for the better.
I hear ya. And you're definitely right--I've certainly never had a ten year long stint with someone, so I absolutely can't relate on that level.
The way I'm trying to approach it is prevention. Maybe if I can learn early on in life to prevent walls in the first place, I won't end up spending years and years tearing them down. Not that you would ever CHOOSE to put up walls, and I'm sure you don't really "see" them coming--you probably just realize one day that you've built these walls and now you're having trouble letting people in. I guess everyone just handles things differently--I've always been a fast recoverer. And I have a more practical way of looking at things. As in, I try to use my head over my heart 99% of the time. At the same time, I respect those who take things harder and invest themselves more in relationships. For example, you showed a dedication to your relationship that I don't think I could. And even though you got hurt, YOU have nothing to be ashamed about. You obviously gave it everything you had, and he is the one who will suffer from the wrongs he did to you. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but some day, he will. And in the mean time, hopefully you will have found happiness.
My comment about lightening up could've been worded better (I'm a person who responds well to "tough-love" so that may have come across harsh to others. My bad!) Maybe look at it this way: "I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."--Agatha Christie. No matter what you go through, or what you've been through, it happened. You can either dwell on it, or find a way to get past it. But either way, life will continue on and the world will continue spinning, with or without you. That's why I think it's so important to realize that just looking on the bright side (and there DEFINITELY is one--always) can make all the difference. Be excited about a first date. Or a relationship that's going well. Don't expect the worst--if the worst happens, you'll get through, once again.
Best of luck with everything.
both of your comments i have appreciated, thank you. nobody has ever said that to me, wtg for sticking it out. everybody has always jumped to say why would you stay with that. thank you for that. i know maybe from some of my comments here i don't look like a silver lining girl, but i AM, otherwise i wouldnt have been able to leave in the first place. i do agree with you 100% in that regard. in the relationship i am trying to develop now with someone, i am really just focusing on appreciating every fabulous moment of it, one moment at a time. huge christie fan too, so that one is going up on my status right now.:) there is an einstein quote i work to live by that is very similar, "there are only two ways to live your life. one is as though nothing were a miracle, and the other is as though everything were a miracle." thank you, again :)
Lovely quote. And you're welcome, of course! =)
Chrissie, I got the same thing after I ended my 12 year relationship with my ex husband. “Why did you stay for so long?” I just wanted to say, “It called love.., try it sometime.” But, I haven’t been the quickest to go back to love though.
This is our way of honoring ourselves: feeling our own emotions until we find out what we're made of and who we truly are, and then moving on until we reach the point when we can share what we know and have experienced with others who may be going through similar stories.
The beauty of getting hurt is that we are given the opportunity to rise beyond the pain and then reach out to others who have unceremoniously followed our path. My experiences are my own, and so are yours. But it doesn't mean we cannot learn from each other.
salut! that is fu&*%ing brilliant. sometimes i wonder, maybe thats the why too that everyone asks themselves at one point or another. you know, the poor why mes? maybe the why is just what you said, to serve others who will "unceremoniously follow our path". if that is the case then the pain IS worth it. doing so, particularly in the spirit that the authors here have generated, is a means of taking down walls in and of itself.
It really is the self doubt that hurts. My best friend of 18 years recently had a continuous affair with my boyfriend(now ex on both accounts) and what hurt the most (besides the fact that she put a stupid fling over our almost 2 decade friendship) was that I saw signs but ignored it because of the inexplicable trust I had in them and that made me doubt myself and all decisions I had made. It's difficult to tear down the walls we have because they are built out of pain, betrayal, and terror but hopefully one day soon the heart will be surrounded by love and warmth instead.
ouch holy double hitter. i can not imagine how difficult your high road has been. maybe they will end up lying to each other and you will be the one that is left laughing. sounds like you are better off without both of them.
for those that asked, thank you for your kindness and yes my date went well. very well. it has become almost painfully clear that what happens next on this journey is entirely up to me. i am excited and terrified at the same time. this just came across in my horoscope and i immediately thought of this thread, something a lot of women need to hear. it's just different words but MMs exact point.
"You might be operating under the deception that if you were thin enough, beautiful enough or rich enough, then your romantic dreams could come true. One of the key differences between what you have now and that which you may long for may be self-esteem. Ultimately, altering your perceptions and priorities away from unfulfilled illusions to what has authentic value enables you to better identify or connect with what you really want -- leading you to no longer dream it, but to be it."
thank you again, MM as well for the divinely inspired synchronicity of the timing of this blog. i needed to hear it all. but if you ever make me cry again....; )
I can only pray for you to have the most wonderful journey. You deserve it.
You already made the most difficult step : realizing that everything is in your hands.. :)
very kind, thank you so very much. :)