If you've spent more than five minutes on the Internet in the past month, then you've probably seen the "S--t People Say" videos. What started with the funny, well-produced and (note to everyone who makes these) short, "S--t Girls Say" turned into a full-blown meme that gave us everything from "S--t Black Girls Say" to "S--t Wookies Say."
So, since we here at GuySpeak are well-versed in all manner of douche-speak, I thought I'd keep this seemingly unending trend going by offering some of the many bon mots that douchebags say. Feel free to leave the douche-y, jerky and just plain gross comments you've heard from guys in the comments.
"She wanted to watch Bridesmaids, but I just don't find women funny."
"My girlfriend will never find out about what happened with the stripper. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, bro." (Anyone who says "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" with a straight face is probably a douchebag.)
"I could never date a woman who earns more than me."
"I banged so many b--ches this week." (No he didn't.)
"Sweet! Ed Hardy shirts are on sale."
"[Insert quote from Borat/Charlie Sheen/Jersey Shore/Chappelle's Show/Austin Powers here]"
"Condoms feel weird. I promise I'll pull out."
"My wife doesn't understand me. Want to make out? We have an open relationship." (special thanks to Mystery Man for that one.)
"She slept with like 10 guys before me. She's such a slut."
"Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!" (This one's a favorite of gamers and YouTube commenters.)
"I didn't want to take the time to break up with her so I just stopped returning her calls. Bartender, another Red Bull and vodka!"
"I know we just broke up, but can you introduce me to your friend/coworker/Facebook acquaintance/mom."
"Sweet! Axe body spray is on sale."
Here, I made your job easier for yas:
http://www.mtv.com/shows/jersey_shore/season_4/video.jhtml?filter=fulleps
That was brilliant :-)
The Ed Hardy comment alone warrants $200 in New Girl's Douchebag Jar.
Here's one - "Do you have a lot of guy friends? I really don't like it when my girlfriend has a lot of guy friends." Umm, I have as many guy friends as you have girl friends, jerk. I
Happy Anniversary babe....I love you.....now where are my pants...sorry but I have to go:
call my mom/sister/kids/boss
do stuff for work tomorrow
run to the store
i'm getting a sore throat
LOL but I say that Vegas slogan all the time...anyone who lives there says it, even and perhaps especially women.
guy1:
"I don't wear condoms, those are for whimps and black guys" (wtf?!)
"here's a picture of me when i had chlamydia...." (o.0''')
guy2:
"I'd never treat any step kids as well as I always will my daughter!" second date with a single mom... srsly? o.O
guy3:
" wow! you look like you've gained about 50lbs!" -when pregnant -.-'
"why should I have to pay child support? your mom helps you pay for things"
thats... wow... just wow...
"Me: So you're not going to end this in person? You're a bastard.
Him: I know. But now I've got to take a shit because this whole thing gave me diarrhea, so I'm hanging up now."
at least you can take comfort in the fact that there was only one person in that conversation completely full of shit. sheesh.
Spoken four weeks ago from the guy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with: "You're everything I could possibly want in a woman and one of the most impressive and amazing people I've ever met. I love you and honestly could see myself growing old with you. Unfortunately, I'm not sexually attracted to you. But if you're still alone in 30 years, I'll probably propose."
I've got some!
"I'm glad you didn't cry cause I would've left a lot earlier and never spoken to you again." (yea, a guy actually said this to me)
"We can still have sex, though, if that's cool."
"It's been good but I wanna date women with tan thin thighs." The gentle break up.
"No, it DOESN'T bother me if you just walk up and grab my balls..." (Include a look of confusion as to why I don't appreciate random sexual groping).
"You said the 'L' word." Response to why the hell he just suddenly dropped off the face of the earth for several weeks until I ran into him at a party.
And my personal favorite, while not a verbal quote it fits perfectly to douchebag language:
"GRLYB8" ...License plate on a monster truck parked in the 99cents store parking lot.
HAHAHA my ex was such a douche, and red bull and vodka was his favorite
What about girls who wear Ed Hardy clothes?
After 10 months: "I thought I would develop feelings for you but never did so this has just run its course...would you like to suck my dick one more time?" Umm, no!
are you KIDDING me? i would have. with my teeth. sorry, was that my outside voice again?
(this one came in about 3 yrs ago and i haven't spoken to him since lol)
"it's not that I don't love you, I do. Actually I cherish you, everything we've had, and will have. But you know, how can I say this. remember when we watched Harold and Maude together? My favorite line in that movie is kind of what I'm feeling now. You know, when he told her, 'I love you' and she said, 'that's wonderful. Now go out into the world and love some more."
"Uhmmm... Keep in touch? On Facebook?"
Great stuff, everyone! Keep it coming!
After losing 50lbs...."If you could just lost 10 more pounds then you could wear a bikini and I wouldn't have to break up with you before I go to Mexico."
My then boyfriend took me to visit some friends and without knowing I could hear told them I was his cousin. He wanted to keep his options open with one of the girls there.
On a first date one young fellow told my daughter not to fall in love with him as he didn't believe in young love. A week or two later he told her he was falling in love with her and that it was time they took the relationship to the next level. Ha ha ha
One fellow facebook profile pic show him and his girl with a promise ring on. My daughter's text from him was asking her to at least consider dating him as he never met a girl he thought would fit as well as her.
"I didn't love you these past two years, I stayed for the kid, but i love you now!"
"I find you attractive and I love you. but my body isn't attracted to fat chicks, so I don't know if I can sleep with you..."
"I was texting during the play because I ditched my friends to go with you."
You shouldn't be making him ditch his friends to do something he doesn't want to do...
I didn't make him ditch his friends; I didn't know he had plans with them in the first place! Lol...
Guy: "Do you wanna go out with me?"
*After a week or so of contemplation*
Guy: "Really? You'd want to go out with me? I actually wasn't serious at all when I asked that..."