Fact: If you are in a romantic relationship, you will fight with your partner at some point in time.
Yeah, I know, your relationship is all hearts and butterflies and you can't imagine ever disagreeing with your snookums, but you will, trust me. The day will come. Disagreements are normal human behavior and part of working out the kinks of any relationship. I know that some people like to say, "We never fight, " but I believe them about as much as I believe people who say, "I never masturbate."
Every couple fights. If you haven't, you will. If you have, you will again. Some do it more than others, and if you're doing it all the time, then yeah, that's a problem. If you do it sometimes, congratulations, you're normal like the rest of us.
The trick to fighting is to disagree in such a way that you actually resolve a problem rather than create a bunch of new ones. This is accomplished by following the rules of fair fighting. Yes, there are rules, lots of them, too many to list here. Here are the ones I've found to be most valuable in my relationships.
Don't fight when you are tired, hungry or under the influence
You know those Snickers commercials with Betty White and Joe Pesci and Aretha Franklin that end with the line, "You're not yourself when you're hungry"? They're on to something. Hungry, exhausted, wasted--these are not the times to try to discuss anything rationally. Have a sandwich, take a nap, sleep it off. Then you can have a calm and mature discussion.
Don't fight when you are angry
It sounds silly--"How can I fight if I'm not angry?"--but it's true. You won't resolve anything when you're furious. Just walk away and let things cool off before you try to work out the problem.
Don't generalize
Nobody "always" or "never" does anything. Avoid ridiculous blanket statements, because they aren't true.
Don't pile on
A fight about one particular topic doesn't give you a green light to bring up every single thing that bothers you about the other person. Choose your battles, and choose them one at a time. If you pile on, your partner will think you hate him and he'll give up.
Don't get ugly
Personal attacks, cheap shots, name-calling, threats: no. Just no. This fight and whatever caused it will be forgotten in time, but cruel things said in anger tend to be remembered for years. Get a grip on your tongue.
Don't interrupt
If nobody can finish a sentence, you'll be there all night. Be quiet and listen. You'll get your turn.
Don't run out or clam up
Your partner can't argue with himself, and this problem won't go away on its own. You might as well deal with it now.
Be willing to admit mistakes
You are not perfect. Both of you have a role in this fight. Be willing to say, "I was wrong. I'm sorry," and watch how quickly these simple words can defuse the most intense disagreements.
Fights don't have to be nasty affairs that hurt and linger for days or weeks afterwards. Follow these rules of civility, and your disagreements can be a positive instead of a negative.
Yeah, I know, your relationship is all hearts and butterflies and you can't imagine ever disagreeing with your snookums, but you will, trust me. The day will come. Disagreements are normal human behavior and part of working out the kinks of any relationship. I know that some people like to say, "We never fight, " but I believe them about as much as I believe people who say, "I never masturbate."
Every couple fights. If you haven't, you will. If you have, you will again. Some do it more than others, and if you're doing it all the time, then yeah, that's a problem. If you do it sometimes, congratulations, you're normal like the rest of us.
The trick to fighting is to disagree in such a way that you actually resolve a problem rather than create a bunch of new ones. This is accomplished by following the rules of fair fighting. Yes, there are rules, lots of them, too many to list here. Here are the ones I've found to be most valuable in my relationships.
Don't fight when you are tired, hungry or under the influence
You know those Snickers commercials with Betty White and Joe Pesci and Aretha Franklin that end with the line, "You're not yourself when you're hungry"? They're on to something. Hungry, exhausted, wasted--these are not the times to try to discuss anything rationally. Have a sandwich, take a nap, sleep it off. Then you can have a calm and mature discussion.
Don't fight when you are angry
It sounds silly--"How can I fight if I'm not angry?"--but it's true. You won't resolve anything when you're furious. Just walk away and let things cool off before you try to work out the problem.
Don't generalize
Nobody "always" or "never" does anything. Avoid ridiculous blanket statements, because they aren't true.
Don't pile on
A fight about one particular topic doesn't give you a green light to bring up every single thing that bothers you about the other person. Choose your battles, and choose them one at a time. If you pile on, your partner will think you hate him and he'll give up.
Don't get ugly
Personal attacks, cheap shots, name-calling, threats: no. Just no. This fight and whatever caused it will be forgotten in time, but cruel things said in anger tend to be remembered for years. Get a grip on your tongue.
Don't interrupt
If nobody can finish a sentence, you'll be there all night. Be quiet and listen. You'll get your turn.
Don't run out or clam up
Your partner can't argue with himself, and this problem won't go away on its own. You might as well deal with it now.
Be willing to admit mistakes
You are not perfect. Both of you have a role in this fight. Be willing to say, "I was wrong. I'm sorry," and watch how quickly these simple words can defuse the most intense disagreements.
Fights don't have to be nasty affairs that hurt and linger for days or weeks afterwards. Follow these rules of civility, and your disagreements can be a positive instead of a negative.
The Don't Clam Up rule has proved very useful in my relationship. Whenever my boyfriend and I fight, whenever he stops talking and just glowers, that's what I always say, "No, we're getting all of this out in the open right now. What else do you want to say to me?" As a result, our fights and the sulking period never last for more than a day. :)
Great post as usual. There are so many that could be added, but one important one I'd like to throw out there is NEVER bring up past issues.
You can't be fighting about the fact that "You bought xyz and you know I hate that! It's just like the time when you did____"
"It's just like the time when you did____"
That fight/disagreement should have gotten resolved THEN, not brought up to bonk someone over the head with at a later point.
If you resolve issues now (per your wonderful suggestions) then bringing stuff up about the past will not happen because you won't be harboring past resentment over that issue. It will have gotten resolved.
And log books. I've never see this happen as a general rule, but my ex-boyfriend literally kept a log book of every time we fought and tallied up how many were my fault. 0_o Gee...I wonder how my score came out? lol
I didn't find this out until the end of the relationship and he showed me our horrible track record. He even gave me a % of how often we fought per week, who started it, and who was right.
I wonder why it didn't work out with him?! Ahahahaha!
I love this info that you shared. It's so true. Having come out of a marriage that held a lot of hostility, blame and anger I couldn't agree more with saying cruel things to your partner, that sure one may forgive, but may never be forgotten especially when it happens over and over. Words said in anger can do permanent damage as they did in my previous marriage. Keep the good topics coming....I love this page!
Great stuff, Mr. Wise-Ass, I can see why you were chosen to be the Wise Ass! And I mean that in the most complementary way.
Conflict is part of life, regardless of the context of the relationship; put two or more people together, and there's going to be conflict. Hell, I've heard of people having conflict with themselves. Knowing how to handle it is one of the most valuable "life skills", not just for romantic relationships, but friendships, contacts, and work relationships too. I've felt handling conflict skills should be taught in high schools, rather than some stuffy history class.
I think I've mentioned this before, but it is worth repeating. There is a great quote that goes something like this...
They may not remember what it is that you said or did, but they will definitely remember how you made them feel. ~ Author Unknown
You know you have resolved the conflict in a healthy manner when both of you can walk away feeling that you have grown in the process. It isn't about winners and losers, but who you both become when you're on the other side of it.
Hey Cary, great post! But you forgot to mention not to hurt each other physically. This post is really fitting cos I had a huge fight with my boyfriend that ended up with him slapping me so hard. I think its ok to argue and shout to no end but no touching.
This is such a great post and excellent advice, Cary. It doesn't matter who you are or who you are with, there will still be at some point a difference of opinion between any two people in a relationship. Disagreements are going to crop up no matter how much you love your partner. Knowing how to solve the problem and work things out instead of letting things either fester or escalate is one of the main keys to having a long and successful relationship. Your rules on how to resolve conflict ought to be taught to all young engaged couples before they get married. Maybe more marriages would last longer that way.
I had to learn every single one of these facts the hard way....the way I taught myself and my bf how to fight fair was for us to grap a pencil and paper, walk away, write it down....dont talk about it! Sleep on it, edit it so its worded in a way that will get conversation and not argument, then plan a time to sit down and talk about your "bitch lists". Sit down and agree to take turns. No one is allowed to talk until its their turn....want to argue? Bite your tongue and wait your damn turn! Each of you read, give response time, come to a compromise, write it down as the new solution to be tried for set amount of time (dont forget to return after said amount of time (a month?) if the same problem is re-occuring and try a new solution until you find one that works), then its the next persons turn to read something off their "bitch list" and give you time to respond, then its compromise time again. It sounds like a long process....and it can be, but....it works sooooooooo much better than screaming at each other and other pointless antics! Try it!