Earlier this week, I responded to a woman that wondered why no one in her new group of male friends had asked her out yet. In my response, I noted that there are six reasons why a guy wouldn't ask a woman out. They are as follows:
Men are generally simple creatures, governed by generally simple logic. When they engage in behavior that is seemingly inexplicable (like not asking you out, for instance), that behavior is the result of a decision made after a deliberate and straight-forward assessment of facts. That is what the six reasons I listed represent. So let's talk about them in some detail, shall we?
The Six Reasons Guys Don't Ask Women Out
"I Don't Find Her Attractive" - The most common reason why a guy will not ask out a woman is if he doesn't find her physically (or intellectually) attractive. So if there is a guy out there that you like, you share a lot of interests with, and you have made it apparent that you'd enjoy getting to know him, but he's just not asking you out, there's a good chance that he just doesn't find you attractive. This is a tough thing to digest, since it can be a big blow to your self-esteem. But it's the truth. A guy will think to himself "she's nice, but she's just not hot" and then made an ironclad decision. Simple as that. That doesn't mean that you're not attractive. It just means you're not attractive to him. Women tend to over-complicate the reason why a guy didn't ask her out. But 75% of the time, it's because of this.
"I'm Dating Someone Else" - This sounds obvious, but it's amazing how many women discount the fact that the guy they like is in a relationship. If a guy is dating someone else, he's probably not going to ask you out. Even if you think he likes you, or if he's come out and said he likes you, most guys are not going to actually ask you out until they're single and free of other commitments. And, as we all know, getting out of a relationship (even a bad one) is very hard. So sometimes, you just need to wait it out, even if you know you're the one he should be with.
"My Friend/Family Would Be Upset" - This is less of a factor now than it was, say, in 1950s Mississippi, but this kind of "my parents/friends/family would disown me if I dated this person" mentality still exists. It might have to do with your politics (you might be a liberal in a conservative town) or your reputation (you might've had a wild steak as a teenager). But whatever it is, if the people closest to a guy don't approve of you, it could be a major boundary to getting into a relationship with that guy. It's incredibly unfair, but it is how it is. We've all had parents be angry at us before. It's a terrible feeling, and we've been trained since infancy to try to avoid that feeling. The same go with angry friends or shunning cousins. Sometimes, even in 2012, you can be from the wrong side of the tracks.
"It Will Be Complicated Due To Schedule/Distance" - Work can very easily get in the way of fun. So can school. So can a 500 mile car ride. If you meet a guy at a party, hit it off, swap numbers and then discover he's from two states over and just beginning his urology residency, he's probably not going to ask you out. Of all of the reasons why a guy won't want to become involved with you, this is the one that affords the most hope. All it takes is a change of job or a change of schedule and then suddenly this non-available guy becomes very available. If you've ever been shot down because of this reason, try to keep tabs on him. If he was being honest when he said that "you're great, but I've still got a year left before I get my MBA," give it a year and see what he says then.
"She Won't Say Yes" - Even the most attractive and seemingly confident guys could have cripplingly low self-esteem around women. Many a studly, well-assembled man has fallen victim to the thought that there is no way the woman of his dreams (you) would say yes if he asked her (you) out. Let's say you're a lingerie model who's currently first place in her fantasy football league (i.e. "a catch"), yet the stylish bond trader in your yoga class who keeps giving you the eye just isn't asking for your number. This might be why. If you seem unapproachable, and he seems a bit shy, then this thought is the thing preventing him from working up the courage.
"She's Crazy" - I'm not going to explain all of the different sub-categories of "Crazy" that a guy can file you under, but I will say that there are a lot of them. Perhaps he's certain your high maintenance (guys generally file that under "Crazy"), or he's heard horror stories of break-ups you've had with other people. Most reasonable guys try to avoid getting involved with women, or with friends, that have a streak of crazy in them. It is only asking for trouble. The older men get, the less chances they're willing to take on the woman with the knuckle tattoos the rode her unicycle to the bar, or the women they heard kicked a hole in her last boyfriend's wall, or the woman that turned an engagement down because the diamond wasn't big enough. "Crazy" is a really tough thing to get past for a guy, and it's a really tough thing to understand being categorized as for a woman.
So those are the six reasons guys don't ask women out. Perhaps there are more from the female perspective, and I'd love to hear them, but as far as guys go, this is it. I certainly hope you found this enlightening!
Related Links:
Being Single For A Long Time
Why Won't My Male Friends Ask Me Out
-"I Don't Find Her Attractive"
-"I'm Dating Someone Else"
-"My Friend/Family Would Be Upset"
-"It Will Be Complicated Due To Schedule/Distance"
-"She Won't Say Yes"
-"She's Crazy"
If you have ever wondered why a guy you liked didn't ask you out, the reason falls into one of those six general categories. So for today's blog, I wanted to dive a little deeper into each one that I did in my original post on the subject and explain the internal calculations that go through a guy's head when he's deciding whether or not to ask a woman out.Men are generally simple creatures, governed by generally simple logic. When they engage in behavior that is seemingly inexplicable (like not asking you out, for instance), that behavior is the result of a decision made after a deliberate and straight-forward assessment of facts. That is what the six reasons I listed represent. So let's talk about them in some detail, shall we?
The Six Reasons Guys Don't Ask Women Out
"I Don't Find Her Attractive" - The most common reason why a guy will not ask out a woman is if he doesn't find her physically (or intellectually) attractive. So if there is a guy out there that you like, you share a lot of interests with, and you have made it apparent that you'd enjoy getting to know him, but he's just not asking you out, there's a good chance that he just doesn't find you attractive. This is a tough thing to digest, since it can be a big blow to your self-esteem. But it's the truth. A guy will think to himself "she's nice, but she's just not hot" and then made an ironclad decision. Simple as that. That doesn't mean that you're not attractive. It just means you're not attractive to him. Women tend to over-complicate the reason why a guy didn't ask her out. But 75% of the time, it's because of this.
"I'm Dating Someone Else" - This sounds obvious, but it's amazing how many women discount the fact that the guy they like is in a relationship. If a guy is dating someone else, he's probably not going to ask you out. Even if you think he likes you, or if he's come out and said he likes you, most guys are not going to actually ask you out until they're single and free of other commitments. And, as we all know, getting out of a relationship (even a bad one) is very hard. So sometimes, you just need to wait it out, even if you know you're the one he should be with.
"My Friend/Family Would Be Upset" - This is less of a factor now than it was, say, in 1950s Mississippi, but this kind of "my parents/friends/family would disown me if I dated this person" mentality still exists. It might have to do with your politics (you might be a liberal in a conservative town) or your reputation (you might've had a wild steak as a teenager). But whatever it is, if the people closest to a guy don't approve of you, it could be a major boundary to getting into a relationship with that guy. It's incredibly unfair, but it is how it is. We've all had parents be angry at us before. It's a terrible feeling, and we've been trained since infancy to try to avoid that feeling. The same go with angry friends or shunning cousins. Sometimes, even in 2012, you can be from the wrong side of the tracks.
"It Will Be Complicated Due To Schedule/Distance" - Work can very easily get in the way of fun. So can school. So can a 500 mile car ride. If you meet a guy at a party, hit it off, swap numbers and then discover he's from two states over and just beginning his urology residency, he's probably not going to ask you out. Of all of the reasons why a guy won't want to become involved with you, this is the one that affords the most hope. All it takes is a change of job or a change of schedule and then suddenly this non-available guy becomes very available. If you've ever been shot down because of this reason, try to keep tabs on him. If he was being honest when he said that "you're great, but I've still got a year left before I get my MBA," give it a year and see what he says then.
"She Won't Say Yes" - Even the most attractive and seemingly confident guys could have cripplingly low self-esteem around women. Many a studly, well-assembled man has fallen victim to the thought that there is no way the woman of his dreams (you) would say yes if he asked her (you) out. Let's say you're a lingerie model who's currently first place in her fantasy football league (i.e. "a catch"), yet the stylish bond trader in your yoga class who keeps giving you the eye just isn't asking for your number. This might be why. If you seem unapproachable, and he seems a bit shy, then this thought is the thing preventing him from working up the courage.
"She's Crazy" - I'm not going to explain all of the different sub-categories of "Crazy" that a guy can file you under, but I will say that there are a lot of them. Perhaps he's certain your high maintenance (guys generally file that under "Crazy"), or he's heard horror stories of break-ups you've had with other people. Most reasonable guys try to avoid getting involved with women, or with friends, that have a streak of crazy in them. It is only asking for trouble. The older men get, the less chances they're willing to take on the woman with the knuckle tattoos the rode her unicycle to the bar, or the women they heard kicked a hole in her last boyfriend's wall, or the woman that turned an engagement down because the diamond wasn't big enough. "Crazy" is a really tough thing to get past for a guy, and it's a really tough thing to understand being categorized as for a woman.
So those are the six reasons guys don't ask women out. Perhaps there are more from the female perspective, and I'd love to hear them, but as far as guys go, this is it. I certainly hope you found this enlightening!
Related Links:
Being Single For A Long Time
Why Won't My Male Friends Ask Me Out
What about the guy who asks for your number, but just texts you, FOREVER??? Not single is my guess!!!
Do you want him to ask you out?
Ask him out.
Beware wild steaks!
Great list of the male perspectives. I've had a lot of guys also refer to me as "the marrying kind" as in I am somewhat of a serious gal, and they didn't think I would date for fun and giggles.