A couple of years ago, Esquire magazine asked female celebs to tell them things they think men need to know about women. The result was this article, from which I've chosen some of the more interesting entries. Have a look and stay until the end, as there will be questions and an opportunity for your participation.
"When you break up with us, that means it's over, and we will only sleep with you two or three more times." - Jane Krakowski
"Women grab their crotches, too. We just have the decency to do it in private." - Padma Lakshmi
"When considering whether or not to ask out the girl you're afraid to talk to, keep this in mind: No matter who you are or what you look like, it's always flattering when you hit on us." - Poppy Montgomery
"Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a gender-wide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy." - Alyssa Milano
"We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It's bad enough if you don't have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it." - Courteney Cox
"The concept of premenstrual syndrome was invented by a woman in Iowa who was trying to come up with a way to call her husband shit-for-brains without repercussions. Now we all benefit." - Leslie Mann
"Call us back right away. That 'three day' crap does not apply. We're getting older and we don't have time to screw around. Wait too long and we'll lose interest." - Christina Applegate
"Even when we're blindfolded, even when you're wearing sunglasses, even in the pitch black of night, we can always tell if you just ogled another woman." - Maria Bartiromo
"Unless we're blind or have no night-light in the bathroom, the whole toilet-seat thing is exaggerated and meant to control you." - Téa Leoni
"We're not complimented when you call your ex a slut. She dated you, too. So what are we?" - Jennifer Love Hewitt
"Often men confuse pensiveness with bitchiness, and I find that insulting!" - Parker Posey
"We are all about our necks. Feel free to spend as much time there as you wish." - Mariska Hargitay
"We're afraid of commitment, too. You may think we spend our time scheming ways to trap you into marriage, but many of us are quite happy being independent and autonomous." - Maria Bello
"Even if we've only been dating a few weeks, don't introduce us as your 'lady friend' -- or that's exactly what we'll become." - Emily Deschanel
"If you're funny, we will sleep with you." - Julia Louis-Dreyfus
"Men who wear sunglasses at night don't look cool, rich, or sexy. They look as if they should be holding a cane or following a dog." - Sanaa Lathan
"If we run into your ex-girlfriend in public, the first thing you should do is put your arm around us. And if we have to introduce ourselves, you are in big trouble." - Jenna Fischer
"We don't understand your fascination with boobs, but we're happy you have it." - Andrea Savage
"We drink till you're cute, too." - Judy Greer
"Guys who go to Hooters to watch the game are usually the same guys who go to lunch at strip clubs for the free chicken-fried steak. Don't be one of those guys." - Christina Applegate
"The smell of sweat is sexy within reason. Nuzzling your neck when you come home from the gym: sexy. Getting trapped in your armpit after you've played eighteen holes in 90-degree heat: not sexy." - Kyra Sedgwick
Okay, thoughts? Do you agree with these? Disagree? Which ones hit the nail on the head for you? Which ones are flat out wrong?
Now let's hear yours. What simple, basic (and succinct, like these) things do you think men need to know about women? Give me enough and I'll make a new list with your wisdom--we don't need no stinkin' celebrities.
Speak.
Thanks.
You asked for it!
"When you break up with us, that means it's over, and we will only sleep with you two or three more times." - Jane Krakowski
2¢ Not necessarily true. I think many women would use sex to try and change the guys mind or to relive the now lost comfort of togetherness.
"Women grab their crotches, too. We just have the decency to do it in private." - Padma Lakshmi
2¢ True, but having the plumbing on the outside probably increases likelihood of contact and need for adjustment.
"When considering whether or not to ask out the girl you're afraid to talk to, keep this in mind: No matter who you are or what you look like, it's always flattering when you hit on us." - Poppy Montgomery
2¢ No, no, no! I hate it when slobs approach me in a bar, overconfident and reeking of dutch courage. Without prior observation or conversation, there's nothing flattering about it, other than, "hey, you have a vagina, right?"
"The concept of premenstrual syndrome was invented by a woman in Iowa who was trying to come up with a way to call her husband shit-for-brains without repercussions. Now we all benefit." - Leslie Mann
2¢ Very true. PREmenstral? Most guys think we're out of our minds when we HAVE our period. If there was any change in temperament it's because we're in pain, otherwise our reproductive organs have no control over our emotions.
"Even when we're blindfolded, even when you're wearing sunglasses, even in the pitch black of night, we can always tell if you just ogled another woman." - Maria Bartiromo
2¢ Maria was the woman in Iowa... ;)
"Call us back right away. That 'three day' crap does not apply. We're getting older and we don't have time to screw around. Wait too long and we'll lose interest."
&
"Guys who go to Hooters to watch the game are usually the same guys who go to lunch at strip clubs for the free chicken-fried steak. Don't be one of those guys." - Christina Applegate
2¢ 100% agree good ol' Christina. She's such a smart, funny and sassy woman!
"Often men confuse pensiveness with bitchiness, and I find that insulting!" - Parker Posey
"We are all about our necks. Feel free to spend as much time there as you wish." - Mariska Hargitay
"We're afraid of commitment, too. You may think we spend our time scheming ways to trap you into marriage, but many of us are quite happy being independent and autonomous." - Maria Bello
"Even if we've only been dating a few weeks, don't introduce us as your 'lady friend' -- or that's exactly what we'll become." - Emily Deschanel
"We don't understand your fascination with boobs, but we're happy you have it." - Andrea Savage
"We drink till you're cute, too." - Judy Greer
"We're not complimented when you call your ex a slut. She dated you, too. So what are we?" - Jennifer Love Hewitt
2¢ All very true. Especially bitching about your ex!
One guy I was dating would make derogatory comments on his ex's 'thunderthighs', how she was going to age to be fat, and her bulimic tendencies. I was like, "and you wanted to marry her? No wonder she fled, the poor girl".
And 'Lady-friend', eek *shudders*!
"The smell of sweat is sexy within reason. Nuzzling your neck when you come home from the gym: sexy. Getting trapped in your armpit after you've played eighteen holes in 90-degree heat: not sexy." - Kyra Sedgwick
"If we run into your ex-girlfriend in public, the first thing you should do is put your arm around us. And if we have to introduce ourselves, you are in big trouble." - Jenna Fischer
"We don't understand your fascination with boobs, but we're happy you have it." - Andrea Savage
"Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a gender-wide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy." - Alyssa Milano
"We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It's bad enough if you don't have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it." - Courteney Cox
2¢ Meh, I don't notice fingers so much.
I do have 'ugly betty' days but it doesn't get to me.
I get the boob thing - boobs are awesome!
Ex-girlfriends are so for a reason. I'd let it be.
Sweat is like quirks and thus in correlation to how attractive we find you at any given time.
"Unless we're blind or have no night-light in the bathroom, the whole toilet-seat thing is exaggerated and meant to control you." - Téa Leoni
2¢ NO! Téa has obviously never fallen into a toilet in the middle of the night. No one wants to see the splatters and pubes stuck on the upper rim. Leaving the seat up is nearly as bad a peeing on it - it's rude, dirty, and disrespectful to make someone else claen after you just because you're too lazy.
"If you're funny, we will sleep with you." - Julia Louis-Dreyfus
2¢ No exceptions!!!
Really, you guys should know this isn't true, but like musical talent, it does help.
"Men who wear sunglasses at night don't look cool, rich, or sexy. They look as if they should be holding a cane or following a dog." - Sanaa Lathan
2¢ No, men who wear sunglasses at night look like douchebags.
That'll be 22¢ please.
Oooh, I love these. Don't agree with all of them however. My favorites were:
-"Unless we're blind or have no night-light in the bathroom, the whole toilet-seat thing is exaggerated and meant to control you." - Téa Leoni
-"We're afraid of commitment, too. You may think we spend our time scheming ways to trap you into marriage, but many of us are quite happy being independent and autonomous." - Maria Bello
-"Men who wear sunglasses at night don't look cool, rich, or sexy. They look as if they should be holding a cane or following a dog." - Sanaa Lathan
As for what I would tell men if I could (although I certainly have a few times):
-Playing hard to get with a woman does NOT work. Get over it. Being a little mysterious however, goes a long way.
-I cannot emphasize this enough. Women are not attracted to jerks. We just want someone who understands us, and seeing as how those types of guys are hard to find, we fall for the douches who pretend to be nice guys.
-Kiss us out of blue. It takes 0 effort and we love it.
I probably have a lot more, but I really don't wanna bore. :P
Oh no, I loved your contributions!
I'll add:
- PickUpArtisrty tips will make you think there is something innately wrong with you.
- Pretending to be something you're not won't attract what is best suited to you.
- Mind games will make a real women run.
- We're not that much different, after all.
- Mens magazines profit from keeping you single... think about it.
"The smell of sweat is sexy within reason. Nuzzling your neck when you come home from the gym: sexy. Getting trapped in your armpit after you've played eighteen holes in 90-degree heat: not sexy." - Kyra Sedgwick
-Incredibly true, at least for me. I can't resist my guy when he comes home after a run in the park, not that I'd want to :)
"The concept of premenstrual syndrome was invented by a woman in Iowa who was trying to come up with a way to call her husband shit-for-brains without repercussions. Now we all benefit." - Leslie Mann
-I can't agree with this one personally, but I do get highly emotional around my lady-time. Instead of irritable though I get sad easily, and all I want are comfort snuggles and pudding. Since he's away a lot I'm usually just super lonely.
"Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a gender-wide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy." - Alyssa Milano
-Unfortunately yes. How a lady perceives her appearance is not logical, and the resulting comfort food binge on a bad day isn't usually based in logic either.
Totally agree with this,"Women grab their crotches, too. We just have the decency to do it in private." - Padma Lakshmi, "
We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It's bad enough if you don't have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it." - Courteney Cox
"Call us back right away. That 'three day' crap does not apply. We're getting older and we don't have time to screw around. Wait too long and we'll lose interest." - Christina Applegate and that's why i don't think boys playing hard to get will have a bright future.
"We're not complimented when you call your ex a slut. She dated you, too. So what are we?" - Jennifer Love Hewitt
"We are all about our necks. Feel free to spend as much time there as you wish." - Mariska Hargitay
"Even if we've only been dating a few weeks, don't introduce us as your 'lady friend' -- or that's exactly what we'll become." - Emily Deschanel
"If you're funny, we will sleep with you." - Julia Louis-Dreyfus. But i think being funny is just one of the way to make women attracted to you, if a guy really want to get a woman in bed, he got a long way to go.
We don't understand your fascination with boobs, but we're happy you have it." - Andrea Savage. Not only boobs but also legs, anyway, we're glad that you make this obvious.
Why don't you guy write something that women need to know about men for the next time?
,
"Call us back right away. That 'three day' crap does not apply. We're getting older and we don't have time to screw around. Wait too long and we'll lose interest." - Christina Applegate
I might add, “…or somebody will take your place."
"Men who wear sunglasses at night don't look cool, rich, or sexy. They look as if they should be holding a cane or following a dog." - Sanaa Lathan
SO FREAKIN' TRUE. I hate it when guys wear sunglasses...this one guy I'm hitting on right now wears sunglasses a lot...Eyes are a window into the soul. I want to see them. Not to mention he's got beautiful eyes...
"The concept of premenstrual syndrome was invented by a woman in Iowa who was trying to come up with a way to call her husband shit-for-brains without repercussions. Now we all benefit." - Leslie Mann
Bad! Wrong! She's hurting women everywhere by saying something like that. I'm not saying that women never use it as an excuse, but men use it as an excuse more than anything. With some men, and quite a number that's I've met, use it as an excuse not to take anything she says seriously for a week. Others attribute any anger to pmsing, which both degrades women everywhere, dehumanizes them, and makes their opinions andemtions worth jack sh**, because it's all just the ravings of pmsing woman. Also the flux in hormones effect women differently. I for one tend not ringer emotional, but do curl up and beg for death when the cramps are at their worst.
Bullshit. Téa has this all WRONG...
"Unless we're blind or have no night-light in the bathroom, the whole toilet-seat thing is exaggerated and meant to control you." - Téa Leoni
I would add.-
We remember everything good and bad and keep a mental score. If our relationship is on the line, we decide based on that score.
I agree SWSNBN, we remember everything, EVERYTHING.
We all know that any man would have sex with us, but will that man love us, hold us when we cry, and be there when we need him.
Holding hands means more to us than you think.
We are just as scared, nervous and confused about men, as you are about women.
We think about sex just as much as men do, we are just better at hiding it.
I would say:
We may forgive but we never, ever, forget. And whatever you did, good or bad will be taken under account.
If you say something mean I might let it slide, but beware that one of this days it'll come to bite you.
We date three types of guys in our life: the one our parents told us not to date, the one our parents would love to see us married to, and the one we truly love.
Nicely done!
I like the 3 types of guys we date saying~
Sound a little pathetic to me but it is damn true!
What Tea said about the toilet seat is bullshit. When I'm at home, I don't usually look at the toilet seat before I sit down, so if the seat is up, I very nearly fall in. We're not trying to control you--just please leave the seat up.
Things I would add:
-We get offended when we catch you staring at our cleavage because we know we should. But that doesn't stop us from intentionally buying low-cut tops and push-up bras to get your eyes there in the first place.
-When we're feeling insecure and fishing for compliments, don't call us out on it. Reassure us when we need it.
-Don't be surprised or turned-off when you find out we wear makeup. More girls wear makeup than you think. The ones who look like they aren't wearing makeup are the ones who are best at it.
And the most important one of all:
-When we tell you about our problems, we're not looking for you to tell us that it's "no big deal", or give us a quick-fix solution. We're looking for sympathy and someone to listen to us. If you can't do that, direct us to a girl friend who will.
Mine:
Knowing that your main priority is to sleep with us is a HUGE turn-off.
Don't mention PMS unless we do first, and even then, it'd probably be better to just play dumb. "Oh really? I didn't notice anything."
Seeing you with little kids/babies is a HUGE turn-on(unless you're doing something wrong). Also, make little comments about what you're going to do when you have kids. Don't complain about kids.
The best way to get us to apologize is to do it first, even if you can only say you're sorry for making us mad, but not the reason behind the anger.
There's no fool-proof formula for getting us to sleep with you. (Therefore, I disagree with Julia Louis-Dreyfus)
Cuddle, cuddle, and then cuddle some more.
And I love what Lena said about fishing for compliments. Don't call us out, just give us what you know we're looking for!
Totally agree about the kids thing. Even if the thought of marriage and kids hasn't crossed my mind, a guy complaining about kids or saying that he flat-out doesn't want any makes me pause, while a guy who loves kids wins major points.
i do like the christina applegate one as well. screw this not wanting to appear overeager shit. over eager is HOT. crazy overeager isn't, but over eager, very charming. and props to you for the very brave call to action cary lol
-- when we come to get our oil changed, we're looking at you “all confused like” because your loud and slow speak is making us wonder about your education level, not because we dont know what an engine flush is.
--it might be that time of the month. it might not be that time of the month. if you screwed up and we're pissed about it, how we spend time in the ladies room is completely irrelevant and you should stop speaking immediately.
-- you don’t need to tell us everything. specifically, everything hygiene related. knowing what is in the toes of your socks, your naval, or the bottom of the trash can in the gas station washroom is not how we want to get to know you better. nor do we ever want to know that you used that facility.
-- we mean it when we say we would rather just know the truth than be betrayed by you.
-- if we love you we will forgive you for just about anything...if you ask us to.
-- when we've had a bad day, do nothing but listen, eyes engaged, and say "oh honey, i'm sorry that happened, what can i do?" and stop talking.
-- dont ask us for our number and then while we are still standing there, send us a text right away to make sure we didnt give you the wrong number. do you really want to be standing there when you find that out?
-- you will be very happy with your ROI if you make the investment to smell great. it does to us what that black lacey thing we have does to you.
"We are all about our necks. Feel free to spend as much time there as you wish." - Mariska Hargitay
Yes, I like this one. We have so many places that are erogenous zones that are completely ignored by men. Our necks? Definitely. The small of our backs, yes! Our shoulders, the backs of our thighs, our earlobes, our faces, our hands---we long to be gently touched, caressed in all of these places.
Touch us, not just because you are turned on or because you want to turn us on, but because you love us. Slow down, spend some time with us.
In addition to the physical aspects of a relationship, if you touch our hearts, tickle our funny bones, stir our curiosity, and stimulate us intellectually, you'll never be lonely because we will always want to be with you. Men who are smart, funny, and kind are sexy. Those traits are much more attractive to women than a body builder physique or perfect hair that is never out of place.
Understand what a woman means and not just what she says.
A bath giftset is not a gift.
lololol excellent
Excellent point. I've always found the implications of such a gift to be a little insulting as well. It's basically on par with toothpaste in terms of the offensive gift department. Better than, say toilet paper, but still.
Haha,
Bath set screams "I grabbed this from the bargain bin as I rushed past the chemist - it was a choice between this, a foot corn filing set, or granny scented smelling salts"
I hate seeing them at Christmas time lining entire aisles at Wal-Mart or any general store really and they are of all the SAME scent. Why the hell would I want every facet of my life to smell like freaking lilacs?! I don't! Then there are the masses of men standing in front of the giant aisle of bathsets on Christmas Eve just blankly staring at them trying to figure out which scent his special lady would enjoy. To those men: You suck, Try Harder.
We know you want sex. Just don't stare at us like we're some huge piece of meat. They're more subtle ways to tell us.
We'll never find you over-romantic (except if it's too soon..). So bring up the flowers if you want to, say compliments if you think them.
Seeing a man smile is the sexiest. I mean, truely smile : with the lips, with the eyes, with the heart.
If you want us to shut down, kiss us. a long, sweet kiss out of the blue. lol that's tricky, but works for me.
Agree with all of them, 100%, EXCEPT the first one. Break-ups are sometimes too complicated to tack on a FWB # post-break-up.
Especially, "If you're funny, we will sleep with you." - Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Just make a girl laugh, be a gentleman, and make her feel like she's the only one in the room that matters.
What she said ^ (all of them).
- Never under estimate the power of being yourself.
- Watch a "Rom/Com" to brush up on romantic gestures. Roses and chocolates are cliche for a reason: we like them. It means you were thinking of us when we weren't around. And if you know we prefer daisies and licorice you earn bonus points.
- (related to ^) Pay attention to us and our quirks, it makes us feel special.
- If you can't tip well and treat the waitstaff appropriately, don't take us to dinner.
- If she asks you if you want to "grab a bite," offer to pay, then offer your half, then thank her for a lovely meal. She is not threatening your masculinity; she asked you for a date, that's how it works: asker pays.
And I want to second Poppy's line about asking a girl out. We may not say yes, but you may have made our day. And don't forget the neck thing; in case we say yes ;)