Our blog theme this week is "The Secret Lives Of Men," so I'm supposed to tell you something you don't know about men. But you Guyspeak readers are a savvy bunch, so I doubt there's much you don't already know or at least suspect about guys.

Instead, I'd like to take things you think you know about us and tell you why you're wrong. I'm the Wise Ass and that's what I do, see. You'll thank me later. Or not. Your choice. Whatever, I get paid either way.

Many thanks to my good friend Bev and all my gal pals on Facebook for giving me ideas.

Men are always thinking about sex.
Not always. Sometimes we think about football or food. If a guy falls off a building, I doubt he's thinking about sex on the way down. Unless he's thinking about how he'll never have sex again.

Men get involuntary boners all the time.
They aren't involuntary. We were thinking about sex.

Men don't listen.
Sorry, what? No, you're right, we don't listen when you try to tell us important things when we're half-asleep or playing XBox or watching a game. Want our attention? Tell us right before sex.

Men think they are better than women.
Some do, but some don't. Me, I'm well aware that my wife, my sisters and most of my female friends are smarter and hipper than I am. And I'm okay with that.

Most men want to offer solutions even when one isn't needed/wanted.
You're welcome.

Men don't care how they look.
Wrong. We're as insecure as you about our weight, our hair, our bodies. We just don't admit it.

Men don't like affection.
Everybody needs affection, male or female. That's one of the reasons we like women so much: you're there to give us a hug and kind words when we need it. And we need it. Of course, the fact that affection often leads to sex doesn't hurt, either.

Men love to argue.
No, we don't!

Men love porn.
Yes, many of us do. But not all of us. I think there are two guys in Utah who don't, but only because they can't find any.

Men have difficulty thinking outside the box.
Heh, you said box.

Men are too picky about women.
We're not nearly as picky as you are about yourselves or each other.

Men can't multitask.
I'm writing and thinking about boobs at this very moment, so you're wrong.

No matter how old men are, they never stop thinking that farts are funny.
Did we laugh that time you farted during sex? Nope.

Men don't cry at movies.
Bull hockey. We cry at movies, just not always the same kind of movies that make women cry. Women cry about romance, failed romance and dead friends. Guys cry about dogs (Old Yeller, My Dog Skip), baseball (Field Of Dreams, The Natural), and war (Glory, Saving Private Ryan). An older friend of mine wept so hard at Platoon that he had to leave the theater. Of course, he fought in Vietnam, so that might've had something to do with it.

Men can't ever find things.
Wrong, every guy knows where his porn stash is.

Men are big babies when we're sick.
Yeah, okay, I'll give you that one. Blame our mothers.

When a man asks where in the house he can find a particular item, he really means for you to get up and get it for him.
What's the big deal? You can wait until the next time you're up.

Men masturbate all the time.
Not true. I'm not masturbating right now. I need both hands to type. I'm almost done typing, though.