It's really not that hard to land a dude. Chicks just think it is because women are complicated, like Tetris. Men are more like Whack-a-Mole. We're just not that difficult to figure out. I'm here to help.

First of all, men exist in a world of "yes" and "no." Is there beer? Yes. Do these socks smell clean? No. Should I max out my credit card and buy this flat screen? No. Yes. No. 

Here's what we're thinking when you approach us:

"Cripes! A woman's approaching! Is she giving us a boner?" says the brain.

"Yes!" says the boner.

And then from their, we get critical. Using the Socratic Method, we ask ourselves probing, penetrating quandaries that help us to decide if we merely "like" a broad, or actually "like, like" her. 

The questions we ask ourselves are actually very simple, like: is she smiling at me? Chuckling at my terrible jokes? Is she absentmindedly touching my elbow? Showing cleavage? Wearing a short skirt? Is she asking me what game console I use, or who my favorite team happens to be? Did she just buy us shots? Did she just tell me I smell sexy? Wait, buffalo wings are her favorite food? She just said she can't choose between Cylons Wars and Terminators? Is her giggling the cutest thing I've ever heard? Are her fingers running through my hair as she kisses me? 

If the answer is "yes" to any of these, chances are we are all about putting it on you. See? Easy. This is inside information. I suppose the chief question, the one from which all others spring, is "Is she cool?"  Can she hang? Go with the flow? If she isn't cool, is she high maintenance? That would be bad. Are you cool? Of course you are, or you wouldn't be reading this. Mostly, guys just want to know if a prospective hook-up just... digs him. It's flattering when someone takes an interest in you. It's basic common sense. Creep unto others as you would have them creep unto you. 

Of course, not all guys are the same. Outside of certain fundamentals, we all have different criteria we're looking for. I know one guy asks himself if a new chick has what he calls "psycho killer eyes?" Another friend of mine asks the pointed question "Would I want to be stuck in an elevator with her?" I worked with one guy, a dedicated wedgie enthusiast, who would ask me the same question of every female temp: "Do you think she's wearing a thong." Clearly, he pined for the right answer every time. 

What I look for in a woman is simple: can she kill a zombie in heels? Decapitate the undead with a swing of a scythe? Can she fire two Uzis at the same time, or wield an Uzi with one hand, and a katana sword with the other? Can she throw a razor-sharp boomerang? Drive an armored, barbed-wire festooned Mac truck through a nest of post-apocalyptic bikers? If we're dangling by a chain from a helicopter, will she kiss me? Is artificial intelligence something she fears? What about cannibal warlords? Ronin? Robots? If I throw her a shotgun, will she pump it one handed? Would she shout out "I LOVE YOU," before I'm carbon frozen?  If I throw her an ice cold tallboy, will she crack it open and suck out the liquid gold? 

Is her wushu strong? Can she make a Molotov cocktail? Can her thighs shell pecans? Does she eat barbecue with her fingers? Will she go down on me in a theater? 

Is she one of those women who wear garters with a fancy dress? Will she cat nap with me late Saturday afternoon? When she orgasms, does she make loud, scary, happy noises? Is she okay that I have monkey feet? 

If a woman answers "yes" to all of these questions, or most, then let's just say that I am interested. Very interested.