The best way to know how and why something works is to go directly to the source: people who have made it work. That's why I like this article, 25 Secrets To A Loving, Lasting Marriage, from YourTango.com. The author interviewed couples who've been married from ten to 50 years to find out how they've stayed happily together and out of divorce court. Although the piece is specifically about marriage, the principles apply to any romantic relationship.
I always read these kinds of articles because I've been married for a long time, too, and I want to see if other couples' secrets are the same as our secrets. Except my wife and i don't consider ours secrets, just survival strategies and basic rules of living with and loving another person.
I won't bore you with a summary of the entire article, which you can read for yourself by clicking the link above. Instead I've lifted a few of my favorite lines from the longer quotes for your enjoyment. Some you've heard before, some you haven't.
"Do good for the other person instead of fighting over 'what about me.'"
"We are about as different as a couple can get. But rather than be irritated by our differences, we revel in them."
"Separate bathrooms. It's not a luxury to have one place in the house that you don't share."
"You really have to like each other to last. When the sex becomes less important you better enjoy doing things together."
"Eat marshmallows to improve communication. What's the one thing you can't possibly do with a mouthful of marshmallows? Talk. Communication is more about listening than talking."
"We knew it was important to still be individuals. We each had things we wanted to get done personally."
"Love is like a boomerang, throw it at your spouse and you'll find it coming right back at you."
"Dump friends, family and situations which have a negative effect on your life and marriage."
"Share a common dream. When couples have that, every bump in the road is on the way to somewhere that matters."
"We tease each other a lot. It's never mean-spirited."
"Know yourself before you marry."
"Be passionate, supportive and accepting of what the other person is doing in their personal life."
"Whatever you did in the early days that made you laugh together, make time to do those same things after 10, 20 or 30 years."
"Keep a date night. Since we married we've maintained one night a month to go out as a couple."
"Sit next to each other on the couch each night. It makes it impossible not to physically touch each other!"
"Remember: women want to be loved and cherished. Men want to feel respected....even more than they want to feel loved."
"Look back only to the good times. Ignore the times when you failed."
How about you? What are your tips for making a relationship work?
I always read these kinds of articles because I've been married for a long time, too, and I want to see if other couples' secrets are the same as our secrets. Except my wife and i don't consider ours secrets, just survival strategies and basic rules of living with and loving another person.
I won't bore you with a summary of the entire article, which you can read for yourself by clicking the link above. Instead I've lifted a few of my favorite lines from the longer quotes for your enjoyment. Some you've heard before, some you haven't.
"Do good for the other person instead of fighting over 'what about me.'"
"We are about as different as a couple can get. But rather than be irritated by our differences, we revel in them."
"Separate bathrooms. It's not a luxury to have one place in the house that you don't share."
"You really have to like each other to last. When the sex becomes less important you better enjoy doing things together."
"Eat marshmallows to improve communication. What's the one thing you can't possibly do with a mouthful of marshmallows? Talk. Communication is more about listening than talking."
"We knew it was important to still be individuals. We each had things we wanted to get done personally."
"Love is like a boomerang, throw it at your spouse and you'll find it coming right back at you."
"Dump friends, family and situations which have a negative effect on your life and marriage."
"Share a common dream. When couples have that, every bump in the road is on the way to somewhere that matters."
"We tease each other a lot. It's never mean-spirited."
"Know yourself before you marry."
"Be passionate, supportive and accepting of what the other person is doing in their personal life."
"Whatever you did in the early days that made you laugh together, make time to do those same things after 10, 20 or 30 years."
"Keep a date night. Since we married we've maintained one night a month to go out as a couple."
"Sit next to each other on the couch each night. It makes it impossible not to physically touch each other!"
"Remember: women want to be loved and cherished. Men want to feel respected....even more than they want to feel loved."
"Look back only to the good times. Ignore the times when you failed."
How about you? What are your tips for making a relationship work?
In July of this year, my husband and I will have been married for 25 years, which will mean I've spent half of my life, literally, as a married woman. I think what has kept us together this long is that we try to be slow to anger and quick to forgive when we make mistakes. We try to overlook each other's faults and instead focus on the things we've done right. We've shared a lot of experiences both good and bad. We've seen each other at our very worst and at our very best and everything in-between.
I think, for me, one of the things that has kept us together is that I sometimes imagine what my life would be like if I were suddenly without him. Doing that reminds me how much he means to me and how lost I'd be without him. It reminds me that good things (like making a marriage last) take a lot of time and attention and hard work, but they are completely worth it in the end.
Marriage is not 50/50. It is 100% from everybody. There is no give and take. Just give.
So true about men needing respect more than anything else. I'm in the first healthy relationship of my life and that was a good reminder :) I'll have to say something the bf tonight. Thanks!
1. Both people have respect of the other person--They can accept that the other person has rights, feelings and ideas (that can also differ from the other person) w/o feeling ridicule or judgment from them.
2. Both are viewed as equals to each other.
3. Both people have common ideas on what their "role" is in the relationship and what is expected of each other--It doesn't matter if the husband thinks the woman should stay at home and be the typical homemaker--if the woman is okay with that role and wants it for herself and agrees, then their ideas of those roles are still common and compatible. If the guy wants to stay at home and the wife works, then the same rules apply.
4. Both have the same values and/or belief system in place. Or if they don’t, they can respect the other w/o trying to convert or guilt them into becoming a part of theirs.
5. Both have found a productive, healthy, effective way to communicate together.
6. Both feel that they don't have to hide who they really are from the other person or conform to what the other person wants.
7. Both have the same goals towards children, lifestyle, money, work, etc.
8. At any time, both need to be willing to listen when the other wants to re-evaluate, discuss change of plans, ideas, or beliefs about themselves or the current status of their relationship.
9. Willingness to compromise.
10. Emotional and physical closeness (including what is acceptable and what isn't to the other person).
11. Making time for the other person and your willingness to work together on the relationship.
12. Being honest with each other.
13. Feeling support (in all forms: physical, emotional, financial, intellectual) from the other person. This also means support and praise in good times, not just bad.
14. Feeling secure with who you are, realizing your own self worth as a person, being aware of when you're not feeling really secure and knowing it’s not your mate’s job to “fix” you. Help you if you need it, yes. Fix you—no.
15. Love for the other person as they are, not for what they could potentially be.
16. Knowing that you are with the other by choice and that they are with you by choice.
17. Don't take each other for granted. It's hard to do, but if you remember #16 it helps ground you a little.
18. Being expressive about much you love and appreciate the other person (this goes along with # 13) ( e.g. "You're doing really good at work. I'm so proud of you," "Wow. Dinner looks great. Thanks for all the work you put into it." "It looks like you've lost weight. I'm proud of you for trying to be healthy...etc")
19. And last, but not least, the ability to laugh with the other person....I said "with," not "at." (But laughing at can work too if you have the right kind of relationship).
That's all I can think of for now, and I'm probably missing some key ones. But I truly believe that all of these are important to having a successful relationship and that no one point is any more or less important than the other.
i'm sorry, but that quote about women wanting only to be loved and cherished and men wanting respect above all else, that is just so sexist! i am a woman and above all else i want to be respected by my partner. i could handle if my boyfriend said that he no longer loved me, it would be difficult and painful, but i could accept it. however if he said he no longer respected me? that is infinitely worse! i'm sorry meg, and cary too, but that one is just crap. not all women want to be coddled and petted and constantly reminded that they're loved, just like all men don't want to be the strong stereotypical man who doesn't have a softer side, only his big strong hairy manly pride side. bull shit.
No apology required. All those bits are just the opinions of the couples interviewed. You are free to disagree.
I liked the line, but then, I didn't read it the same way you read it.
To each his/her own.
I must have read it the same way you did Cary, because I wholeheartedly agreed and even considered making it one of my favorite quotes on here. Because respect is what men want more than anything. And I, for one want to be loved and cherished (and loving someone requires respecting them, so that too, lol).
Roxy, I wasn't too keen on that one either, but it was one small blip in an otherwise great list...
I smiled reading this because I have all these things with my husband - but it did take work! And it continues to take work, and care, and tending to. This was my favorite, the very first one:
"Do good for the other person instead of fighting over 'what about me.'"
You have no idea how valuable that lesson is until you put it into practice.
KNOW YOURSELF BEFORE YOU MARRY. Thats so true. I think young women like myself need to hear this before they make that big step...or mistake.
But what if I wont know myself til Im 62? LOL, I guess I'll be one of those old chicks who will finally get married. LOL! There really isnt anything wrong with that I guess.
This webpage was put into my own bookmarks. I can't wait to read more about this topic.