My BF's ex is coming to visit and wants to stay with him! My BF is taking things slow but I'm ready for a relationship! My BF called me fat! My BF called me skinny! My BF needs a birthday gift! My longtime friend doesn't want to be my BF, but I kind of want to sleep with him! Boyfriend problems, boyfriend drama and boyfriend love on GuySpeak's Best of the Week!
Funny Guy says:
This means your man is being a dickhead.
Either on purpose or somehow without being fully aware he is insulting, disrespecting and antagonizing you. I think you know this too. There is no allowance for it. Why would there be? Are you suggesting that because the baby was lost he has a right to take out his pain and aggression on you? Are you suggesting that he has a right to insult you because you don't have a legit excuse for being a size 10 at the moment? Whether you carried the baby to term or not is irrelevant. You need to step up to your boyfriend and remind him that relationships are about supporting your mate not degrading them. You need him to be your boyfriend not your conditioning coach.
The next time he points at old pics of you tell him he needs to refocus on his own image. Building up the love and letting go of your current love handles.
Gal Pal says:
I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm so sorry your boyfriend's being a jerk about things. Do you think he's saying it from a place of concern for your health or a place of superficial asshattery? While I don't think you should for one second worry about what size you are, or fret over losing weight, you may find that getting a bit of exercise - even just a walk - every day might help ease some of your grief. But your boyfriend would have to phrase that suggestion pretty delicately for it to be appropriate.
Girls' BFF says:
Well, you definitely have a valid concern. But it's mostly that he's not being very considerate of your feelings. I'm sure he'll say that you have nothing to worry about and that she's just a friend no matter what happened.
But you are well within your rights to ask him to put the shoe on the other foot and ask if he'd have an issue if your best friend was a guy who you used to date who then came to stay with you for the weekend. My guess is that he'd be less than enthused in that situation. Now of course, he might be inclined to say that he'd be okay with it since 1) it's not an issue at the moment; 2) it serves his purpose; and 3) the likelihood of you having that situation is very nil.
At which you point you just have to reason with him emotionally and let him know that period, you're not okay with it. Look, anybody would be uncomfortable. I'm also guessing that he didn't ask you first. Now, I will say that if he did ask you, and you initially said yes, then you're stuck. Point is...you just have to bring it up. Let him know it's about how you feel and how it makes you uncomfortable.
Then you hope he understands. You also have to let him know what you want him to do. You can't just tell him and then say that he should figure it out. I'd tell you to kick rocks.
Gal Pal says:
While I completely understand why you feel uncomfortable, I doubt you have a think to worry about, particularly because he wants the three of you to hang out together and he doesn't seem to be hiding anything from you. However, can't this girl find a hotel or another pal to crash with? I agree that the best thing to do is to bring it up with your BF and let him make the call. (Or, as one of the commenters suggested, you should stay with your BF that weekend as well.) Who knows, maybe she'll become your BFF by the end of the weekend - then you'll be inviting her to hang out without the pesky boyfriend in tow.
Mystery Man says:
OK, is he damaged goods? As in come out of a long term relationship, a bit battered and bloody? That'll have him keeping his distance for a while, guys take longer to heal than you might realize.
Or he could simply be the quiet and undemonstrative type. They exist and are worth getting to know.
If the dates are going well, take a chance on him. He'll open up in his own time, regardless.
Gal Pal says:
You know the tale of the tortoise and the hare, yes? And you remember who wins the race, yes? Channel your inner turtle - slow and steady wins the date. Now, at some point, you're going to cross a line where you want him to commit to a relationship. But make sure you take a few laps around the track together before you waive that "I want a relationship now!" flag.
Reformed Player says:
I'm getting the sense you want commitment. If you want that, and he doesn't, he's right: this isn't going to end well.
Keep him as a friend, definitely, but settle the matter by telling him how you feel and why you think it won't work out sexually. Then, look for a guy who can give you what you want.
Gal Pal says:
This is a bad idea for so many reasons. He's telling you up front "this will change things." And by that he means "you will start to get clingy and I'm not interested in you that way and then things will get weird and I'll feel uncomfortable and you'll cry and I can't have that." Listen to what he's saying - not to the secret fairy tale you've been playing in your head. Let him remain your dear friend WITHOUT benefits. That way you can invite him to your wedding to your real prince charming.
Chic Geek says:
Who says all guys like Playboy models and porn stars? All guys aren't Charlie Sheen, David Spade, and other gross celebri-dudes who flash their CBS sitcom money at anything with fake breasts, orange skin, and daddy issues. In fact, I would say that most men do not want to date stripper and porn star types with tiny waists and gigantic inflatable breasts.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Men like healthy women. We want you to be happy with yourself and your body. Some go for athletic, toned types, while others prefer curves. Sure, some guys like Victoria's Secret models. But just as many more prefer the models in the Lane Bryant catalog. But I have never heard a guy say, "Man, look at the protruding collar bone on that chick. Girls with iron deficiency can get it!"
So if your boyfriend is telling you he doesn't want a stick-figure girlfriend who could hang-glide on a Dorito, believe him. Clearly he wants something to hold on to and likes you the way you are. That said, you should do whatever you want in terms of your body and health. If you want to lose weight for health reasons, then he should understand that. But don't lose weight because you assume all men want to date a toothpick with two bowling balls attached to her chest.
Gal Pal says:
Hold up - if this guy had criticized her body and told her to lose weight, we'd be attacking him six ways to Sunday. It sounds like this girl was doing something very healthy for herself - yoga - and happened to lose (two whole pounds!!) in the process. Screw this dude for trying to bring her down. Enjoy your yoga, enjoy your healthy body and tell him to go find the twiggy girl he likes better.
Wise-Ass says:
This question came up a couple of years ago, and I remember being surprised that it was a polarizing topic among commenters. I said then that I think homemade gifts are always nice because they require time and thought, and I still believe that. It takes about 13 seconds to get online and order someone a gift card. Some of us don't care--I love gift cards--but let's be honest, it's a quick and easy out, and not very personal. (Impersonal gifts have their place, of course, so don't construe that as me dissing gift cards or other store-bought gifts outright. I am not.)
One thing we tend to forget is that a gift is YOUR expression of YOUR feelings about someone. Yes, it's for that person, but it's from you, so it should be a reflection of you and something you enjoy giving, too. Think about it--is it more fun to hear from the giver, "I saw this and thought it was perfect for you!" or "I don't know what this thing does but you said you wanted it so here it is"? It really is the thought that counts.
There is no answer to what "guys in general" like. Some like anything, some prefer expensive stuff, some think homemade gifts are the most thoughtful. It depends on your guy and his maturity level; an immature dude probably won't appreciate the thought and love that goes into a homemade gift. Only you know which one your guy likes best. I don't think you can go wrong with a gift you make yourself, but perhaps the best idea is to get him both--something you make and a little something you buy.
Really, though, the answer is give him what you want to give him. If he doesn't like it, it won't be the end of the world.
Gal Pal says:
Homemade all the way, my friend! I promise he'll remember it far longer than anything else. (Unless he is lame and materialistic.) Many guys are secretly sentimental...keeping handmade cards tucked away in a pile for rainy day reading. If you feel like he won't be into a scrapbook, you could also add personalized gift certificates for things that don't cost much - back rub, his pick for movie night, ice cream cone at midnight, etc.
And if he doesn't want the gift you make, I'll take it! That's it for this week. Thanks for playing, guys and girls.
Gal Pal says:
You know the tale of the tortoise and the hare, yes? And you remember who wins the race, yes? Channel your inner turtle - slow and steady wins the date. Now, at some point, you're going to cross a line where you want him to commit to a relationship. But make sure you take a few laps around the track together before you waive that "I want a relationship now!" flag. ----> Great advice, Carrie! :)
Thanks, Faye!!
just scrolled down and oh i was so going to comment the same thing you just said faye!! see, we DO have similar relationships lol chanelling my inner turtle STAT, Carrie! thanks so much!
HaHaHa Chrissie! My mantra for the following weeks would probably be "I channel my inner turtle... Channeling my inner turtle... I am a turtle..." LOL
Seriously though, I noticed a lot of women so want their relationship to go faster --- It's actually one of the usual causes for break ups. Well, I think not being on the same page, you know? I'm learning to give the reins to my man; by doing that, I sort of have control over the relationship too. If you get what I mean?
My relationship, I understand now, is not the same as other people's. Similar but not same. It's going to create problems for me if I try finding solutions to our problems by getting feedback from people who probably have no idea what it feels like to be in this kind of relationship. I appreciate GuySpeak because I learn a lot; and I find my own answers to my own questions by responding and commenting here too. Then I read some of the questions and I just shake my head... It's not belittling other people's problems, but sometimes I am just amazed how tiny of a problem they have compared to some of the couples I know and the relationship is still falling apart. Or problems that can easily be solved by simple communication. While they may not always be right, I appreciate having to see the other side of things from men who are actually in relationships; men who have experience.
My boyfriend is my first boyfriend, and I guess that fact helps a lot too. I'm dedicated in making this work, and I'm naive in a sense that I get to experience things with a child's wonder. It's more exciting that way. While there have been other guys before him and a lot of almost heartbreaks (or maybe real ones I just no longer consider to be significant now), I try to view him without any connections to the men from my past. And in turn, as he has had the experience of being cheated on too many times; he knows how it is to get hurt. So even from the start, we both had the knowing, the understanding that we shouldn't, can't, don't want to ever hurt each other. We fail sometimes; but well, I learned how to give him some time off (especially knowing how stressful his career is) and he has hopefully learned I'm faithful to him no matter what.
We spent a few hours together last Wednesday by the way! After 7 months! I finally got to hold his hand and kiss him and talk to him even for a while. We went out for iced coffee; and we kept our conversation light. There are a lot of changes coming up... I am moving; and he is thinking of taking on another job to help with the bills. So you could say, our relationship is going to go through a series of transitions again. I think we are ready, and I think we are mature enough to handle this. When I get all bratty over stuffs, I think about my mom and dad and how they've stood together throughout life's challenges; I am a fan of their love story. And also my aunt and uncle, the ones I'm living with now. My uncle has stage 4 cancer; it'll be his 5th year of surviving it next year. Everyday is a miracle for the two of them, Chrissie.
I have to admit, I was a little apprehensive before seeing him again. Has something changed? Would we still be the same? Is the chemistry still there? I tried my best to be prim and proper, and not too excited but well, I failed miserably running barefoot outside the door in my white dress and almost knocking him down when I hugged him.
I guess you could say, all worries floated away when he held me in his arms again. :)
If this is how it feels after waiting and being slow... Damn, turtles all the way dudette! COWABUNGA!!!
oh Faye I got such a big smile for you reading that!!! let me tell you honey, when you find a good one, it doesn't matter if they are your first or your last boyfriend. you will know they are different either way, i am so happy for you. the waiting sucks but the payoff is definitely definitely definitely worth it and i am so happy you got a taste of that. there's more where that comes from, its a hard faith to keep *sigh* but i'm pretty sure i'm right lol only the truly strong can make it, the weak give up and go back to that instant gratification. your beautiful perspective will make all the difference in the world, good luck and keep me posted. if you ever need a turtle to walk with to make the walk suck less, let me know!