Our lady friends over at Lemondrop.com recently ran a post titled, "What Makes A Guy Undateable?" based on the book, Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating Or Having Sex.
311? Yes, 311. Like, 300 and then 11 more. Everything from saying "Booya!" to wearing makeup to jogging in place at stop lights. Holy shite. Maybe the book should just tell us what we can do. The list would be shorter. Not that I really want to say "Booya!" or wear makeup.
And then Lemondrop goes and adds ten more things to the list, so make that 321. Thanks, ladies. It's hard out there for a pimp, fellas. Watch your step.
Okay, then. Now it's our turn. Let's talk about some things that makes a woman undateable and see how you like it. I mean, fair is fair, right? At least that's what Billie Jean said.
What makes a woman undateable?
1. She's a vegan: Sorry, I like a gal who can polish off a T-bone or, at the very least, half a chicken.
2. She doesn't like Office Space: Get out. Now.
3. She has a voice like Harvey Fierstein.
4. You ask her if she likes Led Zeppelin, and she replies, "Who's he?" (This happened to me.)
5. She constantly slams people behind their backs.
6. "Thomas Kinkade is so awesome!"
7. She refuses to sing or dance because she's terrible at both. Who cares? Live a little.
8. Two words: Drama. Queen.
9. She's never done any kind of manual labor. Daddy always hired people for that.
10. She doesn't laugh at your jokes.
11. Her favorite authors are Nicholas Sparks and Stephenie Meyer.
12. She goes to the beach but never gets in the water. Ever.
13. She carries a little dog with her everywhere.
14. The word vagina freaks her out. I had a co-worker who was like this. Another woman said vagina in a staff meeting and I thought this chick's head was gonna explode. "Ewwww!" she said. "Don't say that!" Which naturally made everyone start saying it to her all the time.
15. She feeds her cat on a dinner plate and puts a sprig of parsley on top like that commercial.
16. She doesn't like ice cream.
17. She won't wear jeans. Ever.
18. She's always perfectly waxed/shaved down there. Aw come on, let the thing get disreputable sometimes. We won't kick you out of bed for having a little winter growth.
Okay, that's enough for now. I could come up with more, but the truth is, I don't really believe one single thing can make a person undateable. So settle down, all you offended vegans and Twilight fans and fancy cat-feeders. None of us is perfect, and if we started ruling people out because of clothes they wear or music they like or words they can't spell, we'd run out of dating options pretty quickly.
Our flaws and foibles and bad taste make us human. They also highlight the beauty of real affection: we delight in the things we like about partners, and overlook the things we don't. It's what makes love interesting, don't you think? I do.
So, like my list, the Undateable book is a lark and meant to be fun -- or at least we hope. Sadly, we've all known people so critical and picky that no one was good enough for them. If I could say something to those people, it would be this: you suck, and if I ever make a real dating deal-breaker list -- which I won't, but if I did -- you'll be number one. Except then I'd be just like you, wouldn't I? So I'd have to put me on my own list.
Wait. What? I'm so confused.
311? Yes, 311. Like, 300 and then 11 more. Everything from saying "Booya!" to wearing makeup to jogging in place at stop lights. Holy shite. Maybe the book should just tell us what we can do. The list would be shorter. Not that I really want to say "Booya!" or wear makeup.
And then Lemondrop goes and adds ten more things to the list, so make that 321. Thanks, ladies. It's hard out there for a pimp, fellas. Watch your step.
Okay, then. Now it's our turn. Let's talk about some things that makes a woman undateable and see how you like it. I mean, fair is fair, right? At least that's what Billie Jean said.
What makes a woman undateable?
1. She's a vegan: Sorry, I like a gal who can polish off a T-bone or, at the very least, half a chicken.
2. She doesn't like Office Space: Get out. Now.
3. She has a voice like Harvey Fierstein.
4. You ask her if she likes Led Zeppelin, and she replies, "Who's he?" (This happened to me.)
5. She constantly slams people behind their backs.
6. "Thomas Kinkade is so awesome!"
7. She refuses to sing or dance because she's terrible at both. Who cares? Live a little.
8. Two words: Drama. Queen.
9. She's never done any kind of manual labor. Daddy always hired people for that.
10. She doesn't laugh at your jokes.
11. Her favorite authors are Nicholas Sparks and Stephenie Meyer.
12. She goes to the beach but never gets in the water. Ever.
13. She carries a little dog with her everywhere.
14. The word vagina freaks her out. I had a co-worker who was like this. Another woman said vagina in a staff meeting and I thought this chick's head was gonna explode. "Ewwww!" she said. "Don't say that!" Which naturally made everyone start saying it to her all the time.
15. She feeds her cat on a dinner plate and puts a sprig of parsley on top like that commercial.
16. She doesn't like ice cream.
17. She won't wear jeans. Ever.
18. She's always perfectly waxed/shaved down there. Aw come on, let the thing get disreputable sometimes. We won't kick you out of bed for having a little winter growth.
Okay, that's enough for now. I could come up with more, but the truth is, I don't really believe one single thing can make a person undateable. So settle down, all you offended vegans and Twilight fans and fancy cat-feeders. None of us is perfect, and if we started ruling people out because of clothes they wear or music they like or words they can't spell, we'd run out of dating options pretty quickly.
Our flaws and foibles and bad taste make us human. They also highlight the beauty of real affection: we delight in the things we like about partners, and overlook the things we don't. It's what makes love interesting, don't you think? I do.
So, like my list, the Undateable book is a lark and meant to be fun -- or at least we hope. Sadly, we've all known people so critical and picky that no one was good enough for them. If I could say something to those people, it would be this: you suck, and if I ever make a real dating deal-breaker list -- which I won't, but if I did -- you'll be number one. Except then I'd be just like you, wouldn't I? So I'd have to put me on my own list.
Wait. What? I'm so confused.
I haven't worn jeans since high school I hate them. They are awful.
But then I've been wearing the same chords for almost 3 years. I need to buy some new pants. But I hate pants shopping. I have a weirdly placed crotch.
I think that the one true thing that makes a person undateable is that they believe themselves to be.
Great list! A voice like Harvey Fierstein---ha ha ha! This was fun to read. Yes, I think everyone has an idiosyncrasy (or several) that might be considered annoying or irritating. No one is perfect. You have to be able to overlook little things like that. When I hear the word, "undateable," what comes to my mind are things like someone who is a serial killer or who is cruel to animals or who never bathes and smells nasty and has rotting teeth and has fleas and lice in his hair, not someone who says, "Booyah!" It all depends on your level of tolerance, I suppose. Of course, I haven't been involved with the dating scene for a gazillion years, so what do I know.
I think "Booyah" is pretty funny myself; my little brother always cracked me up when he said that. I also think that guys get mad when the girl wears jeans more often than dresses or skirts. Like I would inflict the horror of my legs on unsuspecting people. That's why I cover them up, baby.
Makeup on guys, leaving out movies or TV, is creepy. It's weird enough to see some of them with a "man bag." After that, I guess everything is a matter of taste.
How about, "Yabba dabba do!"? Is that ok?
Hilarious. Actually, I think all these reasons are ones that would make a woman "unfriendable" to me. Except maybe the shaving one because, well, I would hope she wouldn't tell me such things. Ahem.
But really, I think short of major mental issues or obsessive quirks - which covers a whole lot of ground - there isn't anything that makes a man or woman undateable. And those foibles you overlook? Hell, I don't overlook 'em. I delight in them. It's part of what makes him special. And god knows I did not at all marry the man I imagined I would when I was young. Which turned out to be the best thing I ever did. So if you say someone is undateable for some small reason, you could seeeriously be shooting yourself in the foot. Shame.
Great list! I agree on all counts, but numbers 1 and 2 especially spoke to me. ;)
The only thing I'd have a really hard time overlooking in a partner is certain political views. I'm not hugely into politics but if I had to listen to him spout the opposite of every opinion I have in that arena, it would get old fast!
I really don't think that it's the little nuisances that make someone undateable. I think I'm undatebale, not because of my quirks, but because I'm pretty neurotic, physically unappealing, and have no personality. I've came to this conclusion because I'm in my early twenties and have never dated or been even close to being asked out on a date.
Are you in college? Its allllll hook-ups, there's still hope for you! Men in college now a days are much less mature. I think I know maybe 4 couples of all the college friends that i have! The men I date are all older or go to different more mature colleges LOL.
You know things like neuroticism can be changed or at least managed to a bearable level. Get some therapy, or something. No one is hopeless.
I already graduated from college, I'm 21. I think being in college and seeing how easily other people meet and date made me realize that there is something seriously wrong with me. Now that I've graduated I feel like the chances of me finding someone have greatly decreased. If I couldn't find a date in a college of 20,000+ students I don't know how I could do it now.
awww. sweetie, dont think that way.. its all about being confident, and having a little self pampering.. :) love yourself more and others will see how awesome you are. You cannot give what you do not have right? ^^ think positive, smile, and think I'm great!! :D
If a girl (or a guy for that matter) ever...EVER said #4 to me...I'd literally punch them! SERIOUSLY! I wanted to punch the screen just reading that line...some people! LOL!
I think people knowing my ex is what makes me undateable...LOL!
Here's what I have to say to the writers of Undatable: Eddie Izzard all lipsticked out = HOT!
Ouch, it hurts to see that everyone here hates vegans. Honestly, while most people may think of vegans as high-maintenance airheaded hippies, we are just people like everyone else. We chose not to eat animal products for health, environmental, and/or animal welfare reasons, but it doesn't mean we can't EAT. We can be shapely, we can be fun, we can make arrangements to be able to go out with non-vegan friends. Cary, please don't ask vegans not to be offended and then say "no one is perfect" as though being vegan makes you less of a good person, or include being vegan on a list of "flaws and foibles."
Vegans aren't undateable because everyone thinks they're high-maintenance airhead hippies. It's because they smell like dead ham sandwiches.
What wrong with waxing one's vag?? I lifeguard during the summer (I'll be turning 21 really soon). There's no way I'd be caught DEAD with growth showing. I'm pretty sure that would clear the pool. Besides, its the "living" with guys that makes me a good groomer as well.... wink*. I wear lace or mesh underwear, and to me there's nothing more disgusting than pubes sticking out... double yuck. I apologize to people reading this lol... but don't worry I'm a fierce groomer.
Anyway, I agree with those and.... someone who lacks hobbies and/or passion. I CANNOT date someone who just sit around doing nothing, during their spare , forever and ever. I'm like, don't you LIKE things?? People who lack passion for anything bore me.
I forgot to include people without a sense of humor on my list.
Sure, but I fail to see what's funny about "Vegans suck! LOL JK, no one's perfect!"
Yes, we noticed.
I've been thinking about it, and maybe I should clarify. Most of the rest of the things on the list are silly little personality quirks, and most people (or at least most women) are probably guilty of at least one of them. Me, I fall under number 18, and if I had a cat, I'd probably fancy its food up a little too much and call it sickeningly cute nicknames, and everyone around me would roll their eyes. And it's perfectly okay to make fun of stuff like that, because everyone has silly personality quirks and guilty-pleasure books and things like that. But being vegan is a lifestyle choice that people have (hopefully) thought long and hard about and made sacrifices for. To me, it's the same as making fun of someone for the religion they converted to. It just doesn't fall under the category of "no one is perfect" like the rest of them, and I feel like a lot of people don't think about that because of the negative stereotypes about vegans (high maintenance, airheaded, tree-hugging hippie). I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense to anyone but me.
Actually, those aren't the stereotypical things I would think about for vegans. I find them more neurotic and controlling if I HAD to put a label. If i were you I wouldn't comment another time for how vegans aren't undateable ........just kidding... do what you want.
I personally don't have a problem with vegans. I have a problem with people who have special foods needs that they force everyone else to hear about and cater to constantly. As long as they aren't like don't do this, don't do that ,and PS you're a bad person for eating that... when I spend time with them then its fine. My sister has a friend who comes over to dinner who's vegan and he brings a dish to share with others that he can eat (usually a protein substitute).
Just don't be a vegan that's all up in someone else's face about chicken you know? Provide for yourself, don't make others change what they are doing, and no one will mind or care.
Sure, I can totally get on board with that. No one likes someone who's going to be constantly bitching to others about their food habits or expect others to cater to their needs without making special arrangements beforehand. Those traits would definitely make someone undateable to me. I just feel like those traits have become synonymous with the word "vegan" in our culture and that people get turned off of veganism without even really considering it, simply because there are some vegans like that. I have to address these things when they come up because I feel like there's this whole "vegans are silly people and you should make fun of them" thing in our culture, and I want it to stop.
I love a good discourse so I always want to respond, even if the comments section of a humor blog is admittedly not the best place for it.
About me being undateable, by the way? Only because I'm happily engaged. :P
You still talking? Gawd.
hahahaha
LMAO
Cary, you're a riot.
OMG. That's all I can say.
(... and I'm a vegetarian)
LOL I thought sense of humor was implied...guess not!
Ahahaha now I'm an offended vegan. I would like a longer list, though, to see if it keeps describing me...
Poor eating habits is a big turnoff. I can handle a little teeth scraping with the utensil (just a little) from time to time, but what I cannot stand is seeing the food as someone chews, which often allows them to be heard as well. This is the 21st century, and people need to evolve from their primitive eating habits.
On a side note, something that makes a woman dateable, rather than undateable, is regular use of your man's name. We all have a bit of egotism, and studies have shown that a man's favorite euphony is his own name. This is a good tactic to put into practice, trust me.
I SOOO agree. I dont' even know what to do one dates if we go to a dinner place and he starts licking his fingers after every bite. Its the sound that gets me, and omg cringe. I don't want to seem neurotic by asking him to stop, so I dont. I just dont go on a second date lol. That noise, like nails on a chalk board! its all consuming! I can't think about what he's saying, only that horrible barbaric eating going on.... I dont care if he's really cool, I dont want those fingers touching me if he's been sucking gross gritty juices off them every 5.5353 seconds while we are eating. Usually I judge people with neurotic annoying preferences, so I keep my disgust to myself and dont bother him. But its a deal breaker... So, thats how I feel about that lol.
So true, there ain't a whole lot we'd kick a girl out of bed for but I imagine most of us guys would say if she just wasn't TRULY enjoying that moment and she seems to lack focus. It totally throws off the flow of things if she seems like she's putting on an act. Its like that scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. A sexually experienced man can be quite good at knowing when you're faking.
I am curious ... on what grounds would a man kick a woman out of bed? I would imagine that the crime would have to be pretty hefty. lol
I can't think of any.
One word: teeth. I guess it depends on the circumstances.
Not bathing. My ex still brags about going two weeks without showering. I pity his poor girlfriends! Yuck.
Tall girls are undateable trust me I know... Lol I'm 5'11....Never had a man in my life... all good haha I'm clean! Physical contact is highly overated! When my kids move out I can B a nun :)
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