One good way to get clarity in your life, they say, is to find out you have a terminal illness. Nothing focuses the mind quite like having your final cosmic bill slide under your door with a message that says no, you cannot get an extension on your check-out time, sorry.
I would kill for this kind of clarity, but I'm not willing to die to get it. When the dying receive their bad news, it's usually far too late to do much about it. In an instant the meaningless bullshit in life (i.e. 90% of the stuff people worry about) falls away and they can suddenly see what really matters, but advancing illness or lack of time prevents them from making many last-minute changes. Not that last-minute changes mean much, anyway.
I bring this up not to be morbid but because I've just read an article, The Top Five Regrets Of The Dying, that I need to share with you. The author, Bronnie Ware, worked in palliative care for years and spoke with many people in the last three to twelve weeks of their lives--people with laser-focused minds and the wisdom that only comes from a sudden and profound sense of urgency to know what's true before you punch out for the last time. They're gone, but let's learn something while we still (hopefully) have what they didn't: the time to do something about it.
Says Ware, "When questioned about any regrets [the terminal patients] had or anything they would do differently, five common themes surfaced again and again."
I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all, says Ware. Instead of following their dreams, her patients had spent their lives doing what was urgent or practical or what they thought others wanted or needed from them. "When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people...had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made."
I fully understand the sentiment here: when we're older we will regret what we didn't do more than what we did. I'm all for chasing your dreams, but in reality it is easier said than done. If you have a job or family, you have to live a life that others expect of you, at least in part, or you risk losing things you need to live at all. Is it possible to do both? I like to think so, but I'll be honest: I'm not sure how.
I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
No surprise here. We've all heard the saying: "No one ever says on his deathbed, 'I wish I had spent more time at the office.'" Ware says this was a regret of every male patient, and it is a fear of mine as well. I work too much. My child is growing up too fast. In a few years I will be waving her off to college with a heavy heart; I don't want to have a guilty heart, too. I spend a lot of time with her now, but it could be more. Lots more.
I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others," Ware says. "As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming."
I'm torn on this one. I get that she's talking about reticence, and that's why this particular point makes me think of you, GuySpeak readers. You write to tell us how you feel about someone and ask if it's okay to express those feelings and how you should do so. So many times I've said, "Life is short! Speak up, be honest," and I believe that, but I also believe that honesty is like fire: it can do a lot of good, but it can also do much harm, and must be handled with care.
Ware seems to disagree: "We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win." Is self-actualization at the expense of others' feelings acceptable behavior, or am I misunderstanding the point? When did keeping the peace become a bad thing?
I would love to hear your thoughts on this and all five of Ware's points, the rest of which you can find here. You might not agree with all of it, but surely you can agree with me that the advice from her former patients is transcendent and potentially life-changing.
Life is short, truly. Don't wait until it's almost over to decide to live. I'm not.
Relationships
Yep, these are good points! Sadly I'm guilty of violating these, even though I should know better.
I'm particularly bad about staying in touch. Not only has it allowed friendships to lapse, I may have closed doors which otherwise would have stayed open.
Beautiful mate. Just beautiful.
It seems to me that all the points in the article are sort of summed up in that last one about allowing yourself to be happy. I think we'd probably all be happier if we could follow our dreams, not work so hard, express our feelings, and stay in touch with friends.
Being happy is a choice, but sometimes the things that happen to you in life are just so overwhelming that "choosing" to be happy is not an easy thing to do. I do think that is the ideal, though, to accept whatever circumstances you are faced with that are beyond your control and make the best of what you do have.
I agree that some people try their best to follow their dreams, but for one reason or another never quite get there. I also agree with what you said about keeping the peace and not doing harm when expressing your feelings. Being "brutally honest" is some times just that--brutal.
We have to work to make money to buy food and shelter and such and take care of our children and families. It's not like we can just spend all of our time sitting on the beach and watching the ocean waves or walking through the gardens smelling the flowers. It's a balancing act to do what you need to do in order to make a living for yourself and your family, without jeopardizing the quality time we all crave to spend just being with those very same people we are working so hard to take care of.
Excellent blog post, Cary. Thanks for sharing the article and your take on it too.
I agree with all 5 points. Even the honesty one. I understand what she's saying and agree with it.
I don't see it as self-actualization at the expense of others' feelings. It depends on what's being said. Like you said, it has to be done carefully. You have to weigh what you're going to say. A lot of thought and effort has to go into being honest.
To quote Craig Ferguson (and yes, I get my wisdom from comedians):
1. Does this need to be said?
2. Does this need to be said by me?
3. Does this need to be said by me right now?
I'd also like to add:
1. Will this change anything by saying it?
2. Will it be helpful to the person or are they even in the right frame of mind to hear it right now?
If you can answer those 5 questions in your head before you attempt to be honest with someone, you'll be doing yourself and them a favor.
I'm all for keeping the peace, but only if it is keeping the peace in an authentic honest way. I'm not going to keep the peace so that I remain friends with or connected with people that are toxic just so that I don't have to go through the uncomfortable experience of upsetting the apple cart. It will be messy for a bit, but you clean up and move on.
In the end it does leave you with more authentic closer relationships and less drama and crappy people in your life.
My aunt just posted this quote today and it fits so perfectly:
"Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
Do you need to be honest and tell your mom she looks like crap in that shirt? No, you don't. Do you need to tell your mom that she continually hurts your feelings when she says xyz? Yes, you do. Otherwise you're continuing a relationship that is kinda fake and no doubt you're going ot harbor feelings of anger and resentment because they continue to hurt you.
Keeping the peace? Yes. Keeping it to the point that it causes you pain and frustration and having relationships that aren't based on honesty, love, and trust? No.
I hear ya, Ems. Well said.
I have had incorrect terminal diagnoses laid on me twice in my life, 25 years apart, and...both times I believed the doctors/diagnoses, and...I can relate to all of the above...and I rejoice, obviously, that the terminal diagnoses were in error, but I also rejoice at the absolutely life-changing results that do occur for those who believe they have little time left... As for your question on keeping the peace... I am one who did spend nearly my entire adult life trying to keep the peace...and so often that did translate to letting others, particularly family, bully me into fulfilling their desires or wants, etc. Its complicated to explain, but I do regret not having spoken the truth, and I think the writer is referring to speaking our own truths to people, how WE feel, not so much throwing honesty in people's faces, even if it means hurting them... I understand how you get that interpretation, though... So, I speak my own truths now, don't waste my time with negative energy-draining, life-sapping people, once I have confirmed that they are indeed, wastes... I work full time, 40 hours, but no longer hop on the overtime train, no matter the pressure from my superiors, as, in the end, I do know that every day of life I have is a precious gift... and never again will I work 60 hours a week, out of "pressure"...my employers seemed "sad" when they found out I was terminal; however, it seemed sad based on who would replace me in the workforce...lol... So, I consider myself beyond blessed to have had that sentence laid on me, for a few months each time, only to come out ALIVE and kicking... and that's what I've noticed of myself... I kick back when needed now, without hesitation, and I also kick up my heels and enjoy life...
I've faced death, too, with similar results in terms of how I now live my life. No time for toxic people, lots of time for those I love. Congratulations on making it, Laurie.
Thank you, Bixie! You're right, no time for toxic people, or toxic events. LOL And yes, to me, love is PARAMOUNT... it always was my top priority, but nowadays, it is the ONLY thing I truly find dear and valuable... and, yes, all the other "stuff" that used to bother me and make me worry and fret, or just held my full attention, is just stuff now... and always will be... Congrats to you, too!!!
When I was 16 I was diagnosed with Autosomal Dominant Polycystic Kidney Disease (ADPKD). There is no cure.
As a result, I chose to live my life the way I wanted. I tell people how I feel, I make decisions that make me happy, and I do for others as often as I can.
I am the woman my 13 year old self wanted to be. I laugh and play before, during, and after my "work." I write and dream and give love as often as I can. I know that someday I'll have to live my life at a lesser volume, attached to a chair with a machine for a kidney. I want no regrets.
Some days reality sits down close and reminds me that cysts are growing, my kidneys will fail, and I may or may not get a transplant. This could happen tomorrow or 60 years from now, but it doesn't matter. In the 28 short years I've lived I've done more than most and less than some. Yet strangely, I am content to live and equally content to die.
for a bunch of men y'all have become pretty sappy and introspective these days. i like it. just don't lose the fart and blow job posts, k? a girl needs some levity. ;-)
seriously tho, nicely done Cary. the sad thing is that the people that know how important it is to be honest with themselves and with each other and to seize the day when appropriate, have likely learned the hard way how important that is. and the ones that really need to read these, won't. it is a sad sad statement of the world that we fear and repel cancer so much that many people base every choice in their lives around avoiding it, but won't think twice about allowing a cancerous person that doesn't understand these principles into their lives. what's the point of working so hard to be healthy if you're not....healthy.
I read this the night it was first posted. Tried to respond, but decided to let my own reflections sink in for a while... I've read the article before, and could honestly say I could have written the words myself there.
Beautiful post, Cary. It's good to be reminded. ;)
I read a book in my death and dying class (it was a really good class where you learn about theories about the stages of dying, emotional and physical, health care proxies, and the effect on the people we leave behind) and we read a really good book called "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom, who also wrote "Five People you Meet in Heaven." "Tuesdays with Morrie" is a true story about a dying professor who wanted to share his death with others so they could learn from him. Trust me reading those books will change your life. Beautiful post thank you for writing it. (Ps I'm a high school senior.)
Yes I love that book! Beautiful and inspirational, as is The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. Death is inevitable, so we'd best live the way we want to while we can =)
I'll have to read that.