Dear Girlfriend,
I'm sorry for startling you this morning. I know how it looked. You have every right to be creeped out. I probably would be. It's just that I woke up before you. Got up and ate some Cocoa Krispies in a coffee mug. Then turned on the television and watched someone from that party yell at someone from the other party (people who wear make-up for a living really have no right to be so angry). Then I got back into bed and... stared at you. Which is what I was doing when you woke up. You were not pleased. I apologize.
Let me just clear the air a little. No, I'm not a troll. I was not trying to steal your breath. No, I'm not a serial killer sizing up whether I could make a baseball mitt from your face. No, I'm not a potential stalker. If you dump me, you will not catch me on my knees, licking your apartment doorknob and sobbing and muttering "WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?" This is not something I do frequently. I mean, if I were a vampire like Edward Cullen, I imagine I'd stare at you while you slept because vampires don't sleep. If this were the 24th Century, and I was a robot bro like Data, I'd also probably spend most of time watching you sleep. Studying your fascinating human ways.
But I am human. And, again, yes, when you woke up, I was watching you sleep. I couldn't help myself. You were glowing. Not the proverbial deer hypnotized by the headlights of a car racing towards it. It was more like... awe. How could a goon like me be laying next to such a quiet miracle of a woman? Milky skin, soft lips, and divine curves? For that moment, your breath was the universe's metronome. And all I could think was "Jeez, am a lucky bastard or what?" There are fleeting moments in a man's life when he is blessed with a certain clarity. When he can clearly see what is valuable in life. He'll try to reach out and grab it, but it's just fistfuls of sunbeams. All he can do is stare and quietly thank God or Vishnu or Zeus or sheer, stupid luck, that he gets to at least warm his grizzled face with it's light. I love you. You were my personal sunrise this morning; thanks for the tan.
That said, it won't happen again. I'll just watch rage-bots in suits on the picture box and slurp choco-noms until you wake up.
Love,
Your boyfriend
Ugh, those Cocoa Puffs are probably lowering your sperm count, which is why you sound like SUCH A FAKE PUSS in this post. Your girlfriend is probably a stained "boyfriend" pillow. This makes me want to throw up in your mouth a little, except then I'd have to get close to you. Gross.
I happen to think this article was cute. Obviously no one will be watching you sleep for a long time.
Ha!
I happen to think this article was cute. Obviously no one will be watching you sleep for a long time.
Agree with Jenny Lynn. Get over yourself, Cassanova.
Sounds like Jenny Lynne has some insider knowledge of...er... stained "boyfriend" pillows...
Is it just me, or does this sound like the boy-version of Bridget Jones? :)
Just teasing.
I thought this was really sweet. And Cocoa Puffs rock.
A lovely and funny post, as always.
So do you need help stabbing her to death and chopping up the body parts? I'm sure it'd only take a couple hours if we worked together.
this actually have me warms fuzzies. i fell asleep on my skype and someone watched me sleep...spooky? i think so!
The apology is very sweet but please don't stare at your girlfriend or any other woman while they sleep. As a general rule, we don't like it because it scares us half to death!
Hey - if you're anything like Edward Cullen - she won't mind...
Oh, and that first post is KILLING me! With laughter that is... no offense to you, but that is pretty funny. A bit harsh, but random enough to make me giggle.
I am one of those few women who, yes i would be surprised/startled but I think this is not only sweet but I love when my bf stares at me. I feel loved (except when he's mad then I'm scared). Your gf should be incredibly happy right now and if she's not she's being WAY too bitchy. my bf would have kicked me out w/ no question if I got and about it
Starling a person early in the morning isn't nice but its overkill to ask for an apology this good. or better.
I don't know what's wrong with most of this lot^
That was incredibly romantic and made me feel very fuzzy :)
John - you've clearly mangled someones warp drive. I notice that only very recently you're getting some dumbass comments like the first one on this post. Clearly this person is obsessed with you and for lack of anything resembling a hobby, is stalking your posts. It's really sad - we should all club together and buy this sad chop a pot plant.
Love your work.
Very sweet! Every once in a while it's good to hear that your man still feels lucky as hell to have u :)
John - you've clearly mangled someones warp drive. I notice that only very recently you're getting some dumbass comments like the first one on this post. Clearly this person is obsessed with you and for lack of anything resembling a hobby, is stalking your posts. It's really sad - we should all club together and buy this sad chop a pot plant.
Love your work. John - you've clearly mangled someones warp drive. I notice that only very recently you're getting some dumbass comments like the first one on this post. Clearly this person is obsessed with you and for lack of anything resembling a hobby, is stalking your posts. It's really sad - we should all club together and buy this sad chop a pot plant.
Love your work.
I've caught my boyfriend starring/watching me sleep before and it's jarring at first, but there's a look on his face... that mildly dopey, love/sex-addled look with that half smile that just makes me grin and want to kiss is slightly slack-jawed mouth. This definitely tickles the romantic side. Thanks.
silly sweet is the best kind.