Women don't even trust themselves.
Let that glisten for a minute.
*glistening*
Now before you go all Jack Bauer on me, hear me out.
One of the most prominent themes that's come across from the gazillion questions we receive here at Guyspeak (and in the real world and various other websites for that matter) is that women have no earthly idea what's going on in a man's mind. But we are all gifted with a gut feeling. All of us. And women either choose to ignore it altogether for fear of it being true or refuse to acknowledge its guidance. Women don't trust their own instincts...or at the very least hope that it's wrong (even if 99 percent of the time their gut feeling would have been the right one had they chosen to acknowledge it).
But hoping that its wrong implies a certain lack of trust in its response. Or more simply, I might be wrong so let me ask any and all random comers about my ridiculous situation. I don't need a second opinion, I need a 2nd through 100th opinion...until I get the response that I want OR I just give up and realize that I'm not going to get what I want.
So maybe it's not even trust. Maybe 99 percent of all women are just masochists. Which jives well with my assertion some time back that women were the most optimistic beings on the planet. (Sidenote: That might actually be deer. How many deer have you seen dead on the side of the road because they were optimistic enough to think that they'd win at Frogger? RIP Bambi.)
I've often felt that if most of the women who ask us questions just trusted their gut instinct, there'd be a lot less confusion. But it seems that most women are either completely clueless about whether a man likes them or not despite any and all evidence to the the negative or affirmative.
The main culprit here is the innate desire to not be made a fool. I've often contended that political wives aren't really upset at the infidelty, they're upset at the embarassment of being found out. Cheat...just don't get caught. Nobody wants to be the fool and maybe that's why women refuse to listen to themselves so much. It's not just trust, they just want to make sure they get as many data points as possible to make an informed decision. Except, they already know the answer most of the time. So well then, yeah, trust.
Ladies, that little voice inside your head that's telling you that something isn't right, isn't wrong. Because if you're right you're right, but if you're wrong, you could have been right, so you're never wrong.
Right?
Thank you so much - Needed to read this right about now...
And you're right, I don't trust my gut. I was interested in what seemed like on the surface a really great guy, but then I started to see things that bothered me. But of course I still liked him. After a few days of tears and confusion of wondering what's wrong with me, and then one day he flirts and wants to hang out, the next he doesn't even talk to me, etc., I am deciding to trust my gut and realize its not me, its something with him and I can do so much better than that.
I just think with someone like me who rarely crushes on guys, and I rarely put myself out there because of that, it just hurts when it doesn't work out.... But again, thank you so so much, you guyspeak guys are amazing.
So here's my dilemma - my gut tells me that my boyfriend really wants to be with me, but it also tells me that he is still hiding things from me. So how do I choose which to follow?
Those two are completely exclusive ideas. Now the issue here is, if you find that it is true that he is hiding things from you, THEN what does your gut tell you?
Or better yet...if he says that he still wants to be with you AND you find out that he's hiding things from you, then what does your gut tell you?
Do you want to be with somebody who's keeping things from you and do you trust that he will become more open?
I think it's also fear of admitting that we somehow failed, and also fear of admitting to ourselves that the guy that we really, really like (or want to like) doesn't like us, or love us, or whatever. Someone once told me, "when something's not quite right, your soul knows, and you never feel at peace; you have a million questions and not a single answer."
We trust our instincts and at the same time we want to give him a chance to prove us wrong. You know - have faith in him. If we go with our gut too early and end it before he does something, we wind up wondering what might have been... It is worse living with regrets.
thank you PJ. you are officially the second writer at guyspeak to make me cry. what is the MATTER with you people? lol its not your fault. and it wasn't MMs either. its mine. this is a lovely extension of his wall's blog where he touched on this. intuition being a scientifically proven fact. it is. thats what bugs the shit out of me. i am a scientist, i do know better. so much so if you want to know the truth when i saw the headline of your blog i almost wanted to avoid the blog and the topic all together. but, instinct told me otherwise and here i am getting all pissed off at myself again. every time i need a reminder to trust my instinct i am, not even kidding you, flashing back physically and emotionally to my wedding day, when i was in tears and doing that thing that women do when they freeze themselves into holding it together. there is a moment i will never forget where my soon to be husband and everyone around me just thought it was the jitters. but it was my instinct begging me to run and i was fighting to ignore it. i won the battle there, but it sure as hell wasn't worth the win, cuz all i won in the end was a hot mess. that i saw coming, but i ignored it. i did. i saw it coming. and anyone that is reading this that can even remotely identify with that knows that you see it coming too, you know that you do, and it's not too late to stop it. it never ever ever is too late. but the earlier the better. for you. because for me, i waited until i had no choice but to say to it, all right already. now, we are four years post divorce, still in the courts, and my family to this day still worries that i may one day be the next laci peterson. i'm not even kidding you, i cant even leave the tri state area or enter an airport without a telephone fan going out with flight times, locations, and contact information. all of that because i didn't trust myself. it's not just you your instinct is trying to protect, but you never ever realize that until it's too late.
still don't trust my Self completely, but that’s because I don’t have my whole self back yet, pieces returning every single day. the ones he broke, i'm recreating, but it is as exciting as it is arduous, because this time i get to decide what goes on my slate. It’s a journey but always one that is moving forward. before i came here tonight i received an email from the man i've been dating, almost since the beginning of the year, inviting me to a vacation cruise this summer. with a man who, i almost turned down the first date with because, i didnt think he was "my type". i was so fed up with men, i told my girlfriend literally that week, i want a man that can talk books with me, i dont care what he looks like, find me a man that can talk books, like Plato or something. she couldn't. then this guy asks me out and i almost said no, and my instinct screamed, "girlfriend, who else is beating down your door this Saturday night?" okay, fine, i guess i have a date with the boat guy. he brought up Plato's form and function over appetizers and i was sunk. here we are planning a vacation because i listened to my instinct one cold saturday night in january.
so, things are coming around in a way that i never expected or imagined or would have even thought to ask for. but it's not because i trust myself, as much as i trust my instinct. my instinct has never failed me, as many times as i have failed it. so, that's what i am going with, and I know that in due time I will trust my whole Self again. I’m so excited about that.
but it does break my heart to see so many broken stories here too. It’s never too late to do what your instinct is telling you. we convince ourselves that it is, but it never ever is. Never.
if you're right your right. and even if you're not, theres a chance you still might be. you're sooooo right.
It's not just women, it's people in general that don't trust our guts. I have plenty of friends, both male and female, who knew that something was wrong and they rationalized it away. Humans have a bad tendency to hear and see things through a filter of wishful thinking, 'specially when it comes to romance. So, we only see and hear what we want - sometimes it means turning a blind eye to questionable behavior, sometimes it's willful ignorance of bad deeds, sometimes it turns into full blown delusion (she loves, me I know it and if I keep bringing her roses and leaving her voicemails and love letters she'll realize it too!!!)
It's painful sometimes to admit the truth to ourselves. :(
the guy I'm seeing looooooooves to add half-naked women on his FB. My gut tells me this is wrong, wrong, wrong! My head tries to rationalize it by saying guys are visual creatures and it doesn't mean anything.
Your gut instinct is right. He's a tool. Looking at Playboy sometimes or watching the occasional porn video would be one thing as long as he focused his attention on you and treated you right. But why does he need to "friend" half-naked strangers? Dump his ass and find a man, not an adolescent boy.
Agree with PJ...and the tone of all of the responses...but sometimes (OK, with ME, at least), he may be the most honest, sweet guy, but stupid me gets PARANOID and start that self-fullfilling prophecy of sabotaging the relationship, acting out/accusing/creating issues in ways that put stress on the trust in the relationship. It comes through as though I'm following my gut instinct to protect my heart....
it's not your gut instinct you are acting on, it is fear. you're self sabatoging because you are afraid of losing it or him or whatever, and you end up creating the thing you fear the most. i get it, we've all been there. i do a little bit of coaching and have an acronym for fear F.E.A.R. = false, evidence, appearing, real. the thing you are afraid of doesn't exist. you made it up. in fact, MOST of the stuff we worry about, never actually happens. maybe that will help. i got that from another life coach and it did help me in my therepeutic process.
Thank you for your sincere opinion. I think it's that us women do clearly see the truth from the beginning, but we so desperately want things to work out that we cling to the evidence that suggests otherwise, no matter how scant it is.
For me, I think it has a lot to do with my own self-confidence, or lack thereof. I start getting those thoughts in my head...Why in the world would he like me? I'm so out of his league, etc, that I start looking for support that my worst fears are realized.
And I can't tell you the number of times guys have told me that they are much simpler than I make them out to be. I have to keep reminding myself of that fact. Sometimes, they are just who they appear to be.
I came across this post just now and realize that the conversation is long over, but it's definitely one of the best posts i've ever read on here and wanted to give it props. Typically I want every date to turn into a relationship (if I like the guy). Instead of cautiously moving forward at a reasonable pace to determine if my date has potential, I tend to want to just make it work. I'm generalizing of course, but women need relationships (all kinds). We're wired to connect. It's how we operate, it's how we get fulfillment from life, it's how we avoid spiraling into a pit of depression and loneliness. And at one point in history women were told to just trust men unconditionally. Trust them to do the courting/pursuing, trust them to provide, trust them to give you children and family and a lifetime of fulfilling relationships. It doesn't work that way anymore and we were sorta left without guidance to navigate this more equal world. But we do have "the gut." And the awesome thing is, the more you use it, the harder guys have to work to get the goods (i.e. trust and intimacy and your undying loyalty). And the hard-working guys are the ones you want anyway, cause they are going to deliver the goods that you want- a happy, fulfilling relationship.
There are numerous examples of hypnosis exist and some are good and others are bad.
This is true. I don't trust my gut because of the fact that I think that it's wrong. Such as the gut feeling I get when I feel that a guy likes me. The reason why I usually don't follow it is mostly because I really DON'T want to make a fool out of myself in asking him out or something :/
I read the comments that the women are leaving on this page and it does nothing but prove the article correct. Humble your selves and take in what it says. The article was not about humans in general it was about Women! I cant tell you how many times I have been in the grocery store and saw a magazine with the headline 1000 ways to please your man. I am a man and I dont know a 1000 ways I want to be pleased so how in the heck do you.. Most relationships that last or marriages that last is because in the end the man just becomes 100% submissive to save themselves a headache. Well Ill tell you this some guys are not willing to be unhappy to soothe your insecurities. When you figure out what you want let us know. Until then I dont think you have a leg to stand on.
I read the comments that the women are leaving on this page and it does nothing but prove the article correct. Humble your selves and take in what it says. The article was not about humans in general it was about Women! I cant tell you how many times I have been in the grocery store and saw a magazine with the headline 1000 ways to please your man. I am a man and I dont know a 1000 ways I want to be pleased so how in the heck do you.. Most relationships that last or marriages that last is because in the end the man just becomes 100% submissive to save themselves a headache. Well Ill tell you this some guys are not willing to be unhappy to soothe your insecurities. When you figure out what you want let us know. Until then I dont think you have a leg to stand on.