Sometimes I sit in bed and wonder: why do so many good people date board certified assh*les and think that's the best they deserve? Every friend group has that one dear pal who somehow has it in her or his mind that their Jeff (prick) or Jackie (total monster) is actually a misunderstood "great person." How many times have you sat through a multiple Bloody Mary-Brunch hearing your misguided friend trying to normalize and validate why they're dating this ass-creature? Oh, you don't really know Jeff the way I do. I wish you would see him when he's not on drugs. Oh, Jeff is actually a mellow person; he just hates cars, trees and sidewalks.
And of course it's not just women validating their horrible men. Plenty of dudes drink the Kool-Aid their nasty women dole out. Jen is having a rally hard time at work. She normally doesn't tear into busboys with racists rants or make fun of my sister.
What's worse, sometimes you are drawn snack into it: Jen is very upset that you only thanked her four times for that cup of coffee. She is just so profoundly sensitive. I guess that's why I love her.
You stare back in disbelief. Is this really the best my friend can do? Depressed, you begin sucking the ice cubes from your finished Bloody Mary and licking the outside of the glass. Your friend, so close to you yet so far from reality goes on: but that's just Jeff around people. At home he is a totally different guy.
Really, friend? That works for you? Being in a relationship with someone who is only equipped to stay at home? Isn't that what plants and house cats are for? Boyfriends and girlfriends are supposed to be mobile. I promise you, look at the tag hanging off 97% of adults. It doesn't say, WARNING: flammable jerk off. Exposure to other humans dangerous. Keep away from daily life and reasonable expectations.
But you don't say that. Because perhaps it's still considered meddling or judgmental --unless they role up with a black eye or worse. Often they will resent you if you try some Oprah-esque intervention. You're dating a Neanderthal and he's turning you into a brain washed droid. They're either incapable or unwilling to smell the objective coffee - being too used to sipping the toxic blend that got them into this mess.
So your buddy keeps on keeping on with their Jeff or Jackie. Making endless excuses for their boyfriend or girlfriend and setting the bar for both of them so low, you nearly trip on it when you guys all hang out. Wasn't Jen fun tonight? Your buddy asks you. NO she wasn't fun; she just didn't verbally degrade you more than twice. That's called fun?
At the end of the day we resign to do what all good friend should do. Be there for our pal, but respect where they're at and follow their lead. Can that be cringey and disingenuous? Maybe, at times. But I suppose we should have faith in our friends. Faith that with enough support they'll come around; faith that the rope of sanity is still within their reach and with enough time they'll be able to read the tea leaves and get the F out.
CHECK Please!
I lived with my ex-best friend for two years and found out who she was behind closed doors -- a narcissistic b*tch who only made "friends" with people so she could talk about how wonderful she was and then behind their backs, cut them down to nothing in order to make herself feel better. In public, she was sweet as could be (and why I was friends with her), but how vindictive and nasty she was in private -- watch out! I got along with her boyfriend, and the longer I lived with her, the more he and I would vent to each other about her because no one else saw the side we would see. She would treat him like he was an idiot and talk about him as such (even though he wasn't). I straight-up asked him one time, "Why do you even date her?" His response: "She's not that mean all the time, and I don't think I could find anyone as good as her if I dumped her." No joke. I just wanted to slap him out of it! Once I stopped living with her (and after telling her I no longer wanted to associate with her because of how she treated me and other people behind their backs), I deleted his number out of my phone since I figured he wouldn't contact me, knowing I was his gf's sworn enemy because I wouldn't put up with her s*** (she claimed I was "jealous" of her and that's why I didn't want to be friends with her ... yeah, riiiiiiiight). Anyhoo, I get this text from him MONTHS after I moved out, and (this is a direct quote): "[She] and I got engaged in September... She's still a bitch, but hasn't been as often." DUDE! Why would propose to someone who you call a b*tch?!? *shakes head* I honestly and truly believe he's scared s***less of not only what she would do to him if he actually broke up with her (seeing how truly evil she can be when she doesn't get her way), but also of being alone and would rather put up with her crap than venture out to find someone who would treat him like a human being.
My friend married a loser drug addict even after I told her it was a bad idea. She would tell me how he was really great when he wasn't doing drugs. He was so afraid of being caught doing drugs he didn't go to a doctor til his cancer was so bad it had already metastisized. He stole fromvher and left her broke where I would have to bail her out to get her car fixed or out of impound. He even pained his wedding ring for drugs. He died 18 months ago and left her broke with a ton of medical bills and the IRS coming after her for back taxes he racked up before they even met. She still pines for him and says he really loved her. She has such low self worth she almost dumped a guy who was actually treating her well. Unfortunately he just dropped dead so she's devastated all over again.
I've been in this kind of situation, but the guy was bad news to the point where we were worried about her safety(he was stalking her, got VERY jealous of any guy she spoke to more than once, etc.). My other friends and I supported her decision, but would do subtle things, like mention all of the sweet things our SOs did for us that her prick boyfriend never did for her. But we'd phrase it like we were just remarking on something that all boyfriends do for their girlfriends, so she'd have to actually think about how and why her boyfriend never did those things. It's a tad manipulative, I admit, but desperate times call for desperate measures. And it worked. She's away from him and safe and has higher expectations from guys now. :)
Unfortunately I had one of these friends but decided I couldn't be there for her anymore. I know I know, I sould like a bad friend, and trust me I took alot of time thinking about if I really wanted to confront her that I just couldn't be around her anymore bc of all the drama. I just picked her up crying from his house way too many times, got put down for not agreeing with her too many times, and put in the middle of their relationship too many times. At the end of the day I hope me confronting her has made her realise that she's ridiculously rude when trying to excuse staying w/ a guy who abuses her in every way possible. Not to mention bringing my self esteem down. Had to be selfish and save myself.