Every once in awhile my wife looks up to me while she's peeing and tells me that she just doesn't trust the authenticity of a relationship unless it's members can urinate (and more) in front of each other. I spit my toothpaste into the sink, hand her some toilet paper, and say "Yeah, I guess I'd agree with that."
I've received a handful of questions on this topic: the do's and don'ts of grooming and domesticating; the limits and codes of conduct between a couple. The reality is -- like so many other things -- individual pairs have to draw that comfort line in the sand --or into each other's sandy pubic hair as the case may be.
Farting, peeing and pooping with the door open, zit popping, toe clipping, spit cleaning, flossing and sharing a toothbrush --for some couples, is as commonplace as sharing a bottle of shampoo; for others, the very thought is unconscionable.
There are variant schools of thought on the matter: On one hand, anyone who owns an as*hole and skin needs to tend to it; why not do so freely and collectively? On the other gloved hand, some people believe hiding or protecting their lover from these routine necessities, extends the grace and romance between two people. Once a man realizes urine comes out of his lady's vagina, will he still want to perform oral on it? Can a woman squeeze a man's butt cheeks with the painful knowledge that sometimes diarrhea spews from that same area?
Either way, I believe couples enter the relationship within a 10-15% comfort zone of each other; it's not realistic to sustain a long-term relationship with someone you're not hygienically/domestically compatible with. For example, a guy who expects to pick and pop his girl's bacne can't be married to a woman who locks the bathroom door when she passes gas. It won't work.
To understand where these expectations come from is an anthropological study of socialization and domestication; namely: how you wuz raised. For example, show me a daughter who was raised by a farty, walking around in tighty-whitey Dad, and I'll show you a girl who feels at home when her man does the same. Show me a son, who's never seen his mother burp and I'll show you his expectations of a woman.
Peter picked a pussing pimple on Patty. But if Preppy Patty got pissed, chances are their relationship is pooped? Am I wrong? Are you dating someone whose domestic expectations are far from yours? Can it work? Is there a middle ground, such as: "Yes, you can pick my in-grown hairs so long as you wear latex gloves?
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Urine comes from a lady's vagina? Keep searching, there's another exit.
Well, it's the general area. =\
As someone who refuses to kiss my boyfriend because of mornin breath, this really made me think! I just didn't even really think about this aspect of a relationship, and just figured that everyone has weird little quirks and concerns, not that it Had anything to do with compatability...I'm not sure how I feel about this newly acquired insight but thanks anyways Amit!
My boyfriend and I haven't been dating all that long, but we have some of the same hygiene expectations. We are both not fans of morning breath, but we've both peed in front of each other. That's as far as we've gotten.
But in my own relationship experience I've never met a guy who wasn't comfortable with the idea of me having the same bodily functions that he did.
Morning breath's fine with me up to peeing while he's in the tub. But as far as pooping goes, I think we both need privacy with that. Same with hair grooming. There's a bit of "me" time when I do my hair stuff, and I'd like to keep it that way. Though I wouldn't mind if he invited me to shave his stubble for him once in a while. ;)
I can only hope for a guy I can do all those things in front of…, & feel comfortable doing so. I don’t see it happening anytime soon though. (sigh)
I used to work with a guy, he reckons him and SO of 3 years never farted in front of one another. When I heard that, I was speechless, like 'but that's how you tell your in a committed relationship, how could you not?" and turned to my long time married friend for back up and she did NOT back me up, saying she goes to another room. Its just a given with me that I'm comfortable with bodily functions and expect the same from a man and never realised other people aren't. Made me think along these lines, in terms of peoples different comfort levels. Guess I need a man who is on my 'comfort level' as I could ignore the rest but if I see a pimple (ingrown hair etc on either of us) it IS going to get squeezed :)
Best blog ever. Love it!!
My fiancee and I have a few differences. But I don't see them as any sort of deal breakers.
I agree, it's all about how you were raised. I grew up in a family where kids giggled when dad's burp made the house shake (ok, it wasn't that bad...) and he would also pick someone sitting next to him to direct his fart at when eating dinner. No big deal, we'd say "eewwww" and then laugh about it. That kind of stuff I've never had a problem with. However, my fiancee believes a woman should always be pleasant and has told me that I'm "not allowed" to fart in front of him.... little does he know that I have let out a few silent, non-stinky ones while standing right next to him. heehee.
As far as other stuff goes, we both pop pimples for the other and have no problem with morning breath. We are happy using our own separate toothbrushes. But we will never pee or poop right in front of each other... Although I will sneak in the bathroom to pee if he is in the shower, something he was originally not okay with but has chilled out about now.
Never thought I'd have to shave a man's back for him until I started dating my boyfriend of 8 months. That hair really turns me off. Is there an extra-long razor he can get so he can do it himself? His Mom used to do it for him, but now that he has me, he kinda just expects me to do it.
If the hair bothers him and the shaving bothers you...They have these things... waxing salons, why not buy him a voucher? gotta be so much nicer than back stubble. If it was back stubble or hair, I'd choose the hair thank you very much.
I would have to agree that you need to be somewhere close to the same level of comfort on bodily function issues. If it first comes up early in a relationship, it's worth discussing since it might be that one partner just feels that people should take time to get really comfortable with each other before starting to do unromantic things like farting or peeing with the door open. However, if you've been together for like 6 months and you want to relax and let one rip whenever but he can't bear the thought of a woman farting, you probably won't have a great relationship.
Lol we never let one rip on purpose! When it happens, we try to be cool until someone inevitably cracks up. Same with burping. Both of us are practical about bacne and toe clipping. Never peed or pooped in front of each other but if we had no choice, I suppose we could. We just choose not to if we can help it... That's not how we feel relaxed :D
No no no - this stuff is never going to happen in front of my man. He will see me forever as the pretty feminine creature that I am and I am not going to muddle that with anything gross. He will go on believing that my eyebrows are naturally this nicely shaped, that I was born smelling like berries and flowers and that women only use the bathroom for showering to smell even more pretty than we did when we woke up. Morning breath is tolerable because I adore him and can't resist kissing him when I see his cute messy hair and wrinkly morning face. Other than that, unless I'm sick, he does not need to have the illusion shattered! Then again, ask me in ten years if I feel the same.
She just doesn't trust the authenticity of a relationship unless it's members can urinate (and more) in front of each other???OMG~Are you serious?
Never never never in my wildest imagination that i will peeing,pooping,farting,
shaving and spitting in front of my man,no no no!Never never never!
I know all these things are natural and he sure will know that i will do that as all the people out there,the problem is i can't do that in front of him or else it will drive me crazy!But don't get me wrong, i still love my man!
But the zip poping, toe clipping and doing make-up in front of him seem fine with me. Honestly, it is better to do it privately though.
Maybe i'm the exception of the majority, my parent have no problem to do those things in front of each other and i realize that the day i borned, but i still turn out to be a girl who wish to have my own bedroom after marriage.
Miss Somnus, LOL, I am right there with ya! Matter of fact I just said this exact same thing to my guy a few days ago - in my ideal marriage we will have a bedroom for sleeping together and living as a normal married couple, but we will also have two other rooms, one for him and one for me, where we can have our own space, do our own thing. I can be a girly girl and watch soaps and do my nails and all the other wonderful girly things in mine and he can set up his video games and nerdy stuff in his. There is no need to see each other acting like animals in the woods - bathrooms and showers have doors and curtains for a reason!!