So last week I wrote a post called 11 Things That Will Turn A Guy Off In The Sack, and then I only gave you five things. But hey, life is full of disappointments, and the sooner you get used to it, the better. I was just trying to prepare you for rough times ahead. You're welcome.
Here are the rest, as promised. I must confess that coming up with 11 was hard, because, honestly, I'm always too grateful to be getting laid to be all that picky. But a promise is a promise.
I should really call these 11 Things That Will Turn Anyone Off In the Sack, as these apply just as much to men as they do women.
6) Being silent
Yo, you still with me or did you fall asleep? Yes, I realize that if you aren't making any noise, I'm probably doing something wrong. Or maybe you're just the quiet type. Either way, it's a drag. If it doesn't feel good, tell me and I'll try something else. If you never make any noise in the sack, well, that's your prerogative, but it's not much fun. They have this new thing now called feedback. You should look into it.
7) Asking if I'm close
Well, I was...
8) Crushing my head
You've been working out, haven't you? I'm glad it feels good, but breathing is kind of a must for me, so could you loosen up the Thighs Of Death a little? Thanks. (For women, the equivalent is when a guy holds your head down there.)
9) Barking orders
Yes! There! No! Lower! Wait! To the left! Left! Oh yeah! Faster! Faster! Slow down! Other side! No! Move your leg! Not there! Up! Up! Other hand! Higher! Yes! No! Down! Down! Okay! No! Yes! Harder! Harder! Do it! Do it!
Being vocal and asking for what you want? Good. Barking orders at me like I'm Ben-Hur rowing a Roman warship? Not good. There's a fine line there. You'll know it when you find it.
10) Unauthorized rear entry
One of my college roomies was making out with a young lady when he suddenly realized her finger was in a certain orifice where he wasn't expecting company. Some guys like that sort of thing, and some guys don't. It's probably best to know which is which before you start digging around.
11) Stopping at the wrong time
How can I say this? When you're drilling for oil and the oil starts gushing, for god's sake, don't stop drilling. That's the time to drill even faster until the oil stops flowing.
Have fun and good luck.
Here are the rest, as promised. I must confess that coming up with 11 was hard, because, honestly, I'm always too grateful to be getting laid to be all that picky. But a promise is a promise.
I should really call these 11 Things That Will Turn Anyone Off In the Sack, as these apply just as much to men as they do women.
6) Being silent
Yo, you still with me or did you fall asleep? Yes, I realize that if you aren't making any noise, I'm probably doing something wrong. Or maybe you're just the quiet type. Either way, it's a drag. If it doesn't feel good, tell me and I'll try something else. If you never make any noise in the sack, well, that's your prerogative, but it's not much fun. They have this new thing now called feedback. You should look into it.
7) Asking if I'm close
Well, I was...
8) Crushing my head
You've been working out, haven't you? I'm glad it feels good, but breathing is kind of a must for me, so could you loosen up the Thighs Of Death a little? Thanks. (For women, the equivalent is when a guy holds your head down there.)
9) Barking orders
Yes! There! No! Lower! Wait! To the left! Left! Oh yeah! Faster! Faster! Slow down! Other side! No! Move your leg! Not there! Up! Up! Other hand! Higher! Yes! No! Down! Down! Okay! No! Yes! Harder! Harder! Do it! Do it!
Being vocal and asking for what you want? Good. Barking orders at me like I'm Ben-Hur rowing a Roman warship? Not good. There's a fine line there. You'll know it when you find it.
10) Unauthorized rear entry
One of my college roomies was making out with a young lady when he suddenly realized her finger was in a certain orifice where he wasn't expecting company. Some guys like that sort of thing, and some guys don't. It's probably best to know which is which before you start digging around.
11) Stopping at the wrong time
How can I say this? When you're drilling for oil and the oil starts gushing, for god's sake, don't stop drilling. That's the time to drill even faster until the oil stops flowing.
Have fun and good luck.
What a handy list! I agree with all of them, especially #9. Whispered suggestions are good, but if you have to spell things out for someone it starts to feel more like naughty Twister than passionate love-making. Just sayin'.
I'm so glad to have a trained husband. ;)
But seriously, you'd think it would be the most obscure, but your #11 resonated with me. That is the WORST. For us chicks too!
#9 also made me laugh. There is a fine line, but when it's done well, it's a wonderful help, iddn't it?
"Asking if I'm close"
Seriously? Someone would really ask that? What? Has she got other plans? Is she late to catch the bus? Has she been watching the clock and you're a minute over the time limit? Is she in that much of a hurry? Oh my, oh my, oh my. Wow! Yes, I would definitely think that question would be a bit....um...deflating.
Come to think of it, Daisy, we were in a bus station restroom. Hmm...
HA HA HA! Oh, well that explains it then. :-D
Unauthorized rear entry? I ALWAYS ask my hubby if I can slip a digit. LOL I don't know what I would do if he ever said "go for it."
Have you seen The League? They had a great unauthorized rear entry scene..HILARIOUS! If you haven't seen it, it's a great show.
Slip a digit. Nice.
Thanks for #11!!! As embarrassing as it is to admit i have never known when the perfect time to stop is!
Loved #11. Straightforward and TRUE.
I agree with #11 to an extent- Ive only really done oral with the guy I dated the longest (3 yrs) bc im not a fan of someone screwing my face like im a whore (its just how it feels to me when u dont have feelings for someone) but even love was never enough for me to want to please my partner the extent of being ok with the idea of anything shooting in my mouth.. Therefore, I did it either as foreplay so he would finish in me or I finished with my hand :)
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa @ Ben-Hur rowing a Roman warship...Nice
"10) Unauthorized rear entry"
OMG are you for real. Why would that be okay with anybody, especially the one being touched, like ewwww. Naw I'm not judging, cuzz I know that its a (pleasure spot...hahaha pleasure spot) but doing it before you know if the person is into that, NOT COOL. I'd be very very pissed off!!!!
This is fantastic.
#7 Yeah, I've done that. More than once.
It is just hard when you are with someone who is hard to please (sometimes I can't :( bummer) and that person is really quiet. I just can't tell if I am doing it right or wrong or what.....I know, wrong.....I don't ask anymore, haven't for a while now.