There are times in life when you have to be very careful what you say.
In court, for example, or talking to your boyfriend's mother. Ordering dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant. When a cop pulls you over and asks, "Do you know why I stopped you?" When your 9-year-old sister wants to know what a blow job is. And, perhaps most importantly of all, in bed.
Going to bed with someone is big fun, absolutely, but it's also like crossing a mine field: one wrong move and it's over. In a hurry. And it's not pretty.
So the next time you're in the sack with a guy and you don't want it to end tragically, avoid saying any of these things, or anything that sounds even remotely like these things.
1. Is it in yet?
2. What's that smell?
3. Shh! I think my dad's awake.
4. Ouch.
5. Let's get this over with, shall we?
6. Don't worry, that's just poison ivy.
7. No, no, it's cute!
8. Have you ever done this before?
9. You're gonna LOVE my new strap-on.
10. You know you can shave those, right?
11. If you hear a car pull up in the driveway, get under the bed, fast.
12. You really should see a doctor about that.
13. It's fine, I'm used to little ones. My ex's was even smaller than yours.
14. What did you eat for lunch?
15. We need to hurry. The kids get home at 3:15.
16. Is it supposed to be that color?
17. Wrong hole!
18. Oh, Daddy! Baby like!
19. It's okay, really. It happens to everybody.
20. Let us pray...
21. Well, that was different.
22. Are you close?
23. Don't worry, it's never great the first time.
24. Eww.
HA! Sound advice.
I suppose, "Are we done already?" is out of the question too.
Could you move your head? You're blocking "Golden Girls."
Just use your finger, it's bigger.
"You remind me of my brother."
aha ha ha ha ha! XD
"What's that smell?" made me die laughing!
And just bursting out laughing when he takes it pants off is not good either.
The first time Jim and I had sex I asked "Are you nervous?" He just replied "Well I wasn't, but I am now!!" Ahahahaha! I don't know why I asked him that. I guess because I was nervous.
But that's another one that you should never say.
Or "Gee you must feel cold."
Whoops....takes *his* pants off.
Can you suggest an alternative for "Wrong hole"?
I'm thinking ouch is okay.
Oy, I've said a lot of these at various points in my sexual lifetime.
Ouch is normally my safe word. Like dude, ouch, that's my cervix. You aren't getting back into the womb no matter how hard you try.
Another one "that was quick" (I hate it when it's too quick, that just pisses me off something fierce).
I think # 9 is the best way to kick him out!!
Ya, "ouch" happened to me too. What else can you say if he's disemboweling you?
(Yes, dealing with a dude well stocked down there has disadvantages)
If you don't want to hear 4, 12, or 17, then you should probably get better at sex (and maybe get that thing looked at).