In the soon-to-be-released book, Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens and the Culture of Sex, author Amy Schalet talks about how uncomfortable American parents are about teens (particularly girls) having sex. Guys -- when you were a teenager, did your parents have "the talk" with you? Did they know or care if you were having sex? Do you think parents of boys are more accepting of their teens getting it on?
Funny Guy says:
I peed my bed in 4th grade and told my Mom I had a wet dream; I heard the term once in 3rd grade and thought it was rather apt. When I was 18 asked my dad to ship me a cartoon of Ramses condoms overseas. He did. My parents were pretty candid when it came to sex. Questions asked got answered, and questions too embarrassing got answered by my older sister.
On the whole I think our society sees daughters participating in sexual activity as an act of "giving" something up. While boys participating in sexual activity is seen as "getting" something (and up). The key is to arm both sexes with realistic sex education, healthy self-esteem and a copy of Woody Allen's Every Thing You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask.
Chic Geek says:
I was raised by a (mostly) single mom, so I don't really remember ever having "the talk." Between sex ed class, and the fact that I was both a geek who rarely dated and a huge hypochondriac who was terrified at even the mere mention of STDs, things just sort of worked themselves out in the safe sex department. While my mom was willing to answer whatever questions I had, I think most of what I learned about sex came from friends, school, and late-night Skinemax movies.
It's definitely harder for girls. Which is why if I ever have a daughter, I plan on sending her away to a nunnery in Switzerland between the ages of 13 and let's say 30.
Mystery Man says:
My parents, being totally awesome (and Mom being a medical tech), taught me about sex when I was about 7. They got me a book, and sat down and went through it with me, literally page by page, answering questions.
When I "went active," shall we say, Dad bought a box of condoms, handed them to me and said "Tell me when you need more. Don't get her pregnant, don't get a disease and have fun."
Sometimes I really don't appreciate them enough. When the kids are old enough, I intend to treat them exactly the same way.
Girls' BFF says:
My father had the talk with me pretty early on after he found out that my older sister allowed me and my siblings watch some porn that she and her friends had been watching. So I got the talk and then I got the talk again in high school. I'm not sure how my parents handled my sisters though. I do know that with so much sex all over the place so easily accessible, I'll be making sure my daughter isn't sheltered and knows how to make good and smart decisions for her life. Now, personally, I got away with murder in my parents' home and I don't know if it was naiveté (couldn't be, my father knew better) or I was just the boy and prone to do boy things. I'm fairly sure I won't be taking that approach.
Reformed Player says:
I do think teen girls have it fairly rough since there's that whole double standard. There's no show on MTV about how teenage fathers have their lives ruined by screwing around, for example.
As far as my upbringing goes, I was raised by a single father, and my dad was always up front with me about sex. I had a question, I asked, he answered. That simple.
That said, I am still forbidden from having sex in his house. Despite the fact that I'm going to be thirty next year. It confuses me no end; maybe he's just worried about hearing things he can't unhear. Although I wish when I was a teen he'd extended me the same courtesy.
Gal Pal says:
I think Ms. Schalet should have written a book called Parents, Mid-20-year-olds, and the Culture of Sex. That would have been far more useful in my particular case. I think *I* was much more freaked about the idea of having teenage sex (or not having sex, as the case definitely was) than my parents ever would have been.
Wise-Ass says:
I never got a sex talk from either parent, though my mom did answer a question or two when I was younger (like when my friend in third grade told me that women wore maxi pads to silence farts. I wasn't buying it so I asked her.) I learned about sex from a combination of friends, my neighbor's dad's Playboy stash, and my sister's copy of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret. I definitely think boys are given more leeway in sexual matters by parents, a double-standard I noticed as a teen with two sisters (not that I complained about it--what am I, nuts?).
Ladies, what about you? Did your parents have "the talk" with you? Do you think they're more uncomfortable with you having sex than they would be if you were a guy?
I had "The Talk" with my mom, and I've always been glad. Granted, this was after we read the awkward chapter of the health book in my school, so I'd already learned most of it. She just answered the remaining questions. Also granted, my parents are SUPER Catholic, so every discussion we've had about sex is more about emotions and when it should and shouldn't be done than the technical/health aspects of it. And of course they want me to wait until I'm married, but they hold their stance that if I decide to do it before then, that I should tell them so they can get me condoms/birth control(which goes directly against Catholic teaching. Yay for realistic parents! :P). I think that lenience and trust is what's helped me really make my own decisions, and more importantly, feel like I'm doing this because I want to, not because my parents want me to.
I don't think my brother got any more lenience when it came to my parents' expectations and sex. Afterall, theres no Bible verse that says "Wait until you're married, unless you're a dude."
I got a book, and was pretty much told to read it and if I had any questions to ask. And although I love my parents to death, even at 21 I can't imagine going to my mom and dad about that stuff... I even feel weird talking to them about relationship stuff! I don't know why!
The talk... never really happened. I was given a book which explained the technical aspects of where babys come from. My parents never talked about the rest: I think they expect me to wait until marriage (too late, haha), although my mom did help me get birth control when I asked. The rest I learned from health class and the internet (not porn). The Planned Parenthood website was a Godsend.
Well, the technical stuff I learned in Health Class, but my mom was always supportive. She would tell me about her own experience (just the one, with my dad as it is, and something that I really never wanted to know), but that led me to feeling comfortable discussing everything with her. She always said she knew the time would come, and she just wished that I would think it through and be really ready. I told her when it did happen and she even helped through a pregnancy scare (false alarm, thankfully).
It's exactly what I hope to be like with my future children.
thank you Judy Blume lol
Not a chance! My parent would die of shame LOL. I found out from friends with a science book. Everyone I grew up with found out that way...
My parents were always pretty open about sex, and talked about it often with me. I think more than with my brother, but that's because his philosophy in life has always been why waste time and money on a girl when I can buy a video game, and I don't think they were worried he'd be having sex any time soon. With me, I think they always assume worse than I've done. My mom still thinks I had sex with my first serious boyfriend, and we actually never did. And the second my dad found out I had my first college boyfriend, he sent me a bunch of grumpy texts about not getting pregnant, and I never had sex with him either. That's not to say I haven't had sex, my parents just assume I have much more than I do, which is a little depressing really. What's funny if that I'm currently home for the summer, and I have a long distance boyfriend who goes to a different college. He's visited me several times this summer, and my parents make him sleep on a blow up mattress in the living room, with a very strict "not under my roof" policy, yet they let me stay the weekend at him apartment with no other comment then "don't do anything stupid". I'm still not sure what that means, whether it means don't have sex, or don't have unprotected sex, if they mean the latter then we have been nothing but smart and sensible....
Thanks for all these great answers -- awesome of everyone to share and hear all the different approaches to "the talk."
I got the talk first from a way older friend (who went into waaaay too much detail) when I was 11, followed by a horrible fight when my mother found out, which included her screaming sex acts and asking me to tell her what they were "if you know so much" and ending with me getting a dictionary tossed at me. Pretty much traumatized me off sex for yeeeaaars.
My parents told me where babies come from when I was pretty young, but there was no "talk" when I reached puberty. The attitude in my religious Jewish house is "don't do it." I got all my info from books and teen mags, and at 25 am still a bit lacking in areas with which I don't think my parents can help me. In college when I started hooking up and staying over with boyfriends, my mom gave me a little lecture on reputation, and then she scolded me to be more careful when I had an STD scare, but that's about it.
my parents were... well... not so great about this. I have never talked to my father at all about anything even remotely related to sex, and though my mom talks about it openly, the "we waited until we were married" (btw. totally not buying it), though I knew all the technicalities I ended up losing my virginity at barely 16, drunk to a one night stand who was more than 5 years older than me.
I don't blame my mother I just wish I could have talked to her about it, since I felt terrible later. Two years later, she still thinks I'm a virgin. I will not teach my kids abstinence, instead I'll teach them love.
There was no sex ed or any sort of real communication in my home when I grew up. My father gave my brothers silent approval with regards to sex and girlfriends, while my sister and I were very aware he thought any form of sexuality was trampy. Actually, the word slut was used.
So it's not surprising that my sister had failed birth control resulting in a hidden pregnancy and I was an efficient liar and sneak when it came to boys and sex.
I guess the bottom line is that teenagers are sexual beings and most will have sex regardless of talks on abstinence or threats of pregnancies and STIs. I want my kids to be safe physically and emotionally while they have a great sex life. So my approach with my kids is with acceptance and respect for their sexuality. I didn't want my daughter's first time to be a sneaky and unfulfilling back seat quicky. I want my sons to understand how tricky girls emotions are and how they get hurt with sex. I also wanted them to know what true consent is.
My 6th grade science teacher gave me a very basic understanding, I had a college Human Sexuality course last semester which cleared a lot of things up, but as far as my parents went they didn't go near the subject much.
My dad, however, did come to me out of the blue one day in high school and said "If this thing with your boyfriend…if you need protection, just ask." And then he walked away.
Awkward, but I'll always remember that he was up-front and offered to help out.
My mother told me that if i couldn't wait till marrage to tell her so she could help me get on birth control. I was with my bf over a year (he was getting back from 4 months at training) and about to graduate highschool when i tried ti take her up on her offer. She told me to do it myself (even though I had next to no idea what to do) and that she didnt approve of me. I told her instead of going behind her back and it bit me in the ass.
My mother told me that if i couldn't wait till marrage to tell her so she could help me get on birth control. I was with my bf over a year (he was getting back from 4 months at training) and about to graduate highschool when i tried ti take her up on her offer. She told me to do it myself (even though I had next to no idea what to do) and that she didnt approve of me. I told her instead of going behind her back and it bit me in the ass.
My parents never gave me the sex talk. I pretty much just learned about it when they covered it in health class and from talking with my friends. My family is of middle eastern descent, so sex isn't generally talked about - at all. Any time I asked about it growing up, my parents just said to not worry about it until marriage. I don't think their not talking about it had a negative effect on me. I learned about it when the public school system thought it was an appropriate time and that was fine with me.