From Tiger Woods to David Arquette to Jesse James, it seems the men involved in cheating scandals must have had some help covering their tracks. If you knew one of your guys friends was cheating on his lady, would you say anything to him? To her? Why do bros cover for each other?
Reformed Player says:
Oh, Carrie. As if the sisterhood doesn't have it's own form of Mafia-style "omerta." Like your best lady friend would squeal on you to any man in your life. Personally, there are some things that are none of my business. Our moral choices are ours and ours alone. If a close friend was dogging around on his girlfriend or wife, tells me, and most importantly, asks me for my advice, it would be my responsibility to tell him I think he's doing something wrong. Happiness should never come at the expense of someone else. I'd probably encourage him to interpret the cheating as a palpable sign he's unhappy in the relationship and that he should come clean and break-up with her.
After that, as a friend, I would stand back and let him live his life. If the worst happened, I would then be willing to listen to his remorse, if he ended up capable of comprehending the consequences of his own actions.
Wise Ass says:
Unless they were really good friends, I'd stay out of it. I wouldn't know all the details, so it wouldn't be my place to rat him out. I definitely would not cover for him, but I wouldn't alert her, either. That's a grenade and I'm not touching it, sorry. If he were my BFF I might warn him of the dangers of fooling around, but no way would I ever be the one to give him up to his woman. It's not so much a guy thing as a none-of-my-business thing.
Girl's BFF says:
I don't think that I'd actively help one of my homeboys cheat on his lady. Omission? Sure. Like if his woman asked me where he was and I knew he wasn't where he said he'd be, yeah, I'd pretend I didn't know. Though he'd only be granted that privelege if we went way back AND I didn't really know his chick. But I would say something to him about it. Mostly because he's making it worse for other men out there if he gets caught - which of course, we assume will never happen. I don't think I'd rat him out either. It would take extreme circumstances for me to butt into his relationship like that. And why do bros cover for each other? Well the answer is in the oft quoted motto of men: Bros before hos. I ain't saying it's right, but I understand.
Chic Geek says:
I'm with Devore. (And Coco.) If my friend is cheating, it's my duty to advise him to come clean and save everyone from more pain and drama. I would also advise him to consider whether he's actually happy in the relationship. Divorce/breaking up is always preferable to cheating. Beyond that, it's none of my business. It's his life, and his mistakes. What am I, his pappy?
The real difficulty comes when you're friends with both the cheater and the cheater-on. (Cheatee?) Who are you loyal to in that case? I guess it comes down to who you're closest to/who you've known the longest. If I was friends with the wife, and I discovered her husband was cheating, I would...well, I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably tell her, but it would depend on the situation. Maybe I'd leave an anonymous note, like Snookie and JWoww did for Sammi Sweetheart on Jersey Shore. Or maybe I'd hire a private detective to follow the husband and then email the wife incriminating photos from a fake email account. No, seriously, that would be a tough call. And perhaps a question for another time...
Gal Pal says:
What about a woman's honor? Isn't there some higher code of chivalry that supersedes the bro code? If not, could we go ahead and invent that please? Anyone - male or female - deserves to know if they're being humiliated and embarrassed by a cheater in public. If you can't man up and tip of Elin about Tiger's skulduggery, then at least have a heart-to-heart with Tiger and point out the tangled web of two-timing he's weaving.
Ratting out a cheater is extremely dangerous no matter what side you're on and must be done with caution. I've been that friend who had to tell a girlfriend that I saw her beloved boyfriend sucking face with an unknown female. Afterwards our entire relationship fell apart even though I was doing it to protect her from humiliation. It's even worse if she gives the man another chance, because not only then do you have a friend who can't look you in the eye, but a man who is most likely out to get you. It's the sad truth.
Oh, that sounds like an awful ordeal. Sorry you had to go through that and you're right -- it's much tougher in the end when you know and have to face the two of them together.
It would depend on the person. If I found out my best friends bf was cheating I'd tell her in a heart beat. Thankfully it's never come to that. She would do the same for me. And our relationship is strong enough and mature enough that we trust each other and know we wouldn't lie about something as huge as this.
If I knew my guyfriends girl was cheating on him I'd tell him. But if I don't really know these people well and they are not part of my small circle of friends that I trust to help me move a dead body should the need arise, I'm not getting involved. That's drama that makes my hair turn grey.
I was casually dating this guy and though he didn't exactly cheat (on me anyway) because we weren't together, he did mislead me regarding his level of involvement with another girl to get me to visit and ultimately, get some action. He actually introduced me to her one night while I was there because he's that big of a douchebag. I was furious because I'd been lied to so he could get what he wanted and also because he thought I was the type of girl who'd be ok with screwing over another girl. When he knew he'd thought wrong he attemtped some damage control and tried to feed me a bunch of garbage so I wouldn't out him. However, one of his friends (who happened to be a girl) and had only just met me the day before said something general like "I like him as a friend, but he's really not all that nice to girls" when I was talking to her about it. So while she didn't rat him out, she did kind of confirm my suspicions and I appreciated it.
Oh that's horrible, adlhurle! You're right, the way his friend put it is a really good suggestion for handling these types of situations. I had a guy friend who I'd sort of warn girls about with a line like, "he's so great, but just be careful."
Erm... what if the tables were turned? What if you were the one with the cheating missus? Would you expect her friends to tell you? If you found out that she was cheating on you with some other guy and her friends knew the whole time, are you guys saying that you would just shrug your shoulders and say "welp, that's the way it goes. On to the next one?" Come on, you guys would have to pissed off at the friend on some level. Eh?
as a cheatee I was more mad at the person who didn't tell me he was a dog than the one who showed me the truth. I'm a firm believer that if you are even thinking about cheating it's time to break up or at least figure out where the urge is coming from and try to deal with it.
Thank you, Carrie, for saying exactly what I was thinking. I'm so tired of the self-righteous "It's his/her life and none of my business" excuse. Jeebus, people. It's not about trying to avoid being your friend's "pappy". It's about saving someone innocent from being hurt and humiliated any more than necessary. Jandi S makes a good point: What IF the tables were turned? Then I bet you'd be singing a different tune. Then you can't use the lame "it's her life", because it's your life too. And I doubt the "it's like touching a grenade" excuse would work then either, because I doubt any of you would admit to being the type that would get pissy towards the messenger rather than the cheater.