Lately I've been getting a lot of questions about virginity; specifically, when the right time to lose it might be. I'm not sure if this onslaught of queries is due to Spring time blossoming, or the trailer for the new Thor movie, but either way, I will now weigh in on this pressing matter.
In the '90's it was a lot easier for a person to know when the time was right. It really wasn't something the individual had to contemplate, rather a cast member from the hit show Blossom would leave a message on your answering machine indicating it was time. I still remember what I wasn't wearing when I heard Joey Lawrence give me the thumbs up.
But those days are long gone. Now it is up to each of us to decide.
The fact that many simply ask the question "when is the right time?" is a great start. It means there is an intellectual process going on. A mindfulness of action and a weighing out of consequences. Often we think of sex and sexuality as something that is primal and outside the world of reason and calculation, but that's not really so. Yes, in the confines of a secure relationship it's nice to put the brain power on the coat rack and only operate from your flesh, but in many scenarios not exerting thought before thrust ends up biting you in the ass, or stinging you in the penis, or warting you on the vagina.
I'd like to propose that we don't call it "losing virginity" so much as gaining sex. Nobody likes to lose things. There's a sense of vulnerability and, well, loss. To gain sex, means to conclude that by engaging in this very intimate and powerful act you're confident it will strengthen, not weaken you. Not deplete you, but serve to complete you - and your relationship. As Janet Jackson said in '86, it's about CONTROL. Controlling the who, when, and why.
Who: Make sure you trust the person, emotionally and physically. The first time you have sex should be laid back and partnery. Think of it like an easy back and forth tennis volley or better yet, playing doubles on the same side of the court.
What: It won't always be pretty and seamless. There will likely be stop and go. There can be vaginal dryness, semi erections, clumsy condom wrapper openings, "is it in?" questions, "That's not the right hole," "is this working?", and so on.
When: Pick an environment that works for you. Make sure it feels safe. That means a pick up truck going 80 down route 80 isn't the best idea. Yes, the place can be "special." A rose petaled hotel room, a secluded beach, a Gothic mansion on the outskirts of Paris, but it doesn't have to be. Just make sure it doesn't add anxiety, but rather lends a degree of comfort and support.
Why: (The biggy): Most people have sex the first time because enough things line up. They feel sexually mature enough, they feel affectionate enough, safe enough and horny enough with their partner. They feel they are within the culturally normative age to do so, and the opportunity sort of reveals itself.
When all those things are in place, or whatever additional things make up our "line up" we often feel something. It's called ' being ready'. It doesn't appear on a billboard. Betty White won't text you the go head, but our mind, genitals and heart line up in such a way that pushes us forward. Today's the day. Time to Gain Sex.
Oh, I love that! "Time to gain sex." It has a certain ring to it, and it certainly doen't make you feel like you "lost" something to the "wrong" person.
I think this article needs more exposure. There are so few articles online that explain this so beautifully: "They feel sexually mature enough, they feel affectionate enough, safe enough and horny enough with their partner. They feel they are within the culturally normative age to do so, and the opportunity sort of reveals itself." (FG)
Not to say that all of these factors are in place when most people decide to gain sex, but most of them should be, as many as possible. Back then, I thought it was just a physical act, but it's much more than that. At least, for your first time it is.
This is an amazingly, well written article. I think you approach the subject with a sensitive, but intelligent view.
"I'd like to propose that we don't call it "losing virginity" so much as gaining sex." That's such an empowering concept. It takes off all the pressure associated with having sex for the first time.
Good job!
I super super love this, and will integrate it into my daily vocabulary. That is all.
Fantastic piece of writing. :) While the guy I was first with turned out to be a massive piece of fail, it was right at the time. And that terrible three year relationship meant I got all the worries about sex out of the way, making it much much better to be with my soulmate now. Gaining sex indeed :D It's better now with the right partner because I got all the mistakes and OH GOD NO MY BODY APPARENTLY HATES THAT SO NEVER DO THAT AGAIN moments out of the way with someone who now doesn't mean nearly so much to me.
It is most definitely due to the trailer for the new "Thor" movie. I did a scientific study that said so :)
Thank you for this post! I have gained sex! I had been wanting to have sex and had always held myself back fearing I'd regret it because of all of the hype society makes about your first time. 'Give it to someone who deserves it,' 'you must be in love because you will become extremely emotionally attached,' etc. This guy did not really qualify, we are not in an actual relationship nor do I ever intend to be with him, he's a bit of a bad boy as well so not an ideal candidate for such a special 'gift.' This post helped me realize and reaffirm my belief that it is about me and not him. I wanted to have sex, felt emotionally ready, trusted my partner and the opportunity presented itself. It was great and I have absolutely no regrets. Thanks again FG for helping to turn around society's outdated notions about virginity and sex!