Sex is complicated. Even though it has been around since the dawn of time, humans still have trouble with it. A lot of that trouble comes from the fact that people rarely talk about what they really want. Due to insecurity, embarrassment or even shame, people stay silent when it comes to their actual sexual needs and desires.
Because of that, people are constantly doing things that we think our partners want. And our partners are doing things that they think we want. We, and they, don't always guess right. Just imagine how many nights of passion have been lost over the centuries due to a lack of communication. Thousands? Millions? Billions?
Thankfully, your friendly neighborhood Mystery Man is here to help. I was appointed by all the menfolk to tell all the ladyfolk out there a few things about sex that we feel like you should know. Will these admissions clear up all of the sexual confusion that has existing since the birth of the human race? No. But it'll be a start! So, without further ado:
Five Things Guys Want You To Know About Sex
We Love Blowjobs, Sometimes More Than Actual Sex - Very few men actually admit this out loud to their girlfriends and wives, but blowjobs are awesome. We love them. We can't get enough of them. In fact, one of the most exciting parts of a new relationship is he wealth of blowjobs that take place before full-on sex starts happening regularly. Once sex is on the table in a relationship, the volume of blowjobs decreases dramatically. And while sex is pretty fantastic, there is still a part of us that would trade it for the Era Of Blowjobs that symbolize the thrill of a new girlfriend.
We Have No Problem With You Doing All Of The Work - As an extension of the blowjob discussion, we would also like to let you know that we are more than happy for you to take control in the bedroom. Not that we like to be dominated, per se (though some of us think that is awesome), but we just like being able to lay back, relax, and let you do all the heavy lifting. We're not lazy, but it is awesome to not have to make any decisions. Guys love when their girlfriends/wives/boyfriends/husbands take control when picking a restaurant, and they also love when their girlfriends/wives/boyfriends/husbands take control when picking a sexual position. Being free of that kind of responsibility is delightful.
No Matter How Much Sex We Have, We Still Watch Porn - Porn and sex are two very different things. Guys can be entirely satisfied in the bedroom, but will still watch porn. Why, you ask? Because we can. Guys love porn, and our love of porn is no reflection on how our sex lives are going. So if you catch us watching porn, don't get angry/jealous/offended/insecure. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the fact that guys can't get enough porn.
We Take A Lot Of Pride In Being Able To Get You Off - Female orgasms are a lot more complicated than male orgasms. A woman needs to be comfortable and relaxed, the temperature needs to be just right, the stars need to be in alignment, and there needs to be a moment of world peace. A man just needs five minutes and an image of boobs in his mind. Because of how easy we are and how tough you are, we take a lot of pride in our ability to get a woman off. We think about it for days afterwards with a smile on our face, as if we just cracked a bank safe and stole a million dollars. Does it make us happy that you enjoyed yourself? Yes. But it makes us just as happy that we successfully did something hard. Keeping that in mind, on behalf of all men, I humbly request that you help us get you off. Tell us what to do. Make it as easy for us as you can. We like directions!
If Our Eyes Are Closed, We Are Probably Thinking About Something Or Someone Else - If a guy is making eye contact with you during sex, he is thinking about you. If he is not, he's absolutely, 100% fantasizing about someone else. This is kind of a crappy thing, but we want you to know about it anyway. Honesty is the best policy, after all. So if your guy has his eyes shut and tells you it is because he's concentrating, it means he's concentrating on Brooklyn Decker. Now you know.
Did I single-handedly bridge the sexual communication gap that has existed between us for all of recorded history? If so, you're welcome. If not, at least I helped a little. I suggest you all try to help too. Tell your partners what you want. Let them know what you're feeling and what you need from them. Communication leads to better sex. So communicate.