This week's blog was inspired by the glowing box of horror and goodies we call television. Specifically - Girls. And more specifically the sex on this season's penultimate episode. The episode featured indie-ugly heartthrob© Adam (Adam Driver) having some very dramatic and disturbing sex with his new (soon to be ex?) girlfriend Natalia (Shiri Appleby). The portrayal was raw and vicious. It seemed to hit a chord with many as it portrayed a type of sex we often don't see portrayed on the tube.
The sex session included Natalia reticently crawling on all fours towards the bed followed by Adam heaving her onto the bed where she was summarily pump/humped from behind and finally ejaculated on. As an aside, Girls is now one of only two other shows in the history of TV to feature clear and present jizz (I'm not saying actual Adam Driver goo, but props to the prop department).
It was at the very least rough sex, most certainly manipulative and domineering sex and arguably forced sex. Like others I was taken aback by the scene and that prompted me to explore why.
I suppose trust and context, right? If the kind of sex that these two characters had is something they typically and willfully engage in, something that is born out of a good and shared place than I suppose all's fair in sex and mating. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with crawling on fours or being hoisted and tossed about. But when all of those actions are dripping with unspoken venom, when it seems more about purging a feeling about yourself through the use of another than creating something together, then that same play becomes foul. Period.
I'm wondering how it affected you, good people of GuySpeak Nation.
For those that caught the show: was this just an example of fair and decent role-playing sex?
Or did Lena Dunham and the show expose this type of sex for what it is -sinister and possibly even criminal?
And more importantly as it pertains to real life (yours):
Do you think its possible to pin point a type of guy who can turn the "switch" in bed?
Have you ever felt coerced to engage in a type of sex or sexual activity that was way out of your comfort zone and bordered/entered the world of used and abused?
On my honeymoon, my ex husband got angry because he thought I was looking at another man when we were out for dinner (i wasn't) I thought we had resolved it and we were going to have sex when we got back to the hotel.
He wanted to tie me up. I let him. He was my husband after all and I could trust him right?
There was a half drunk bottle of wine from before we'd gone out. After he tied me up he picked it up and started drinking straight from the bottle. I didn't even think what he was going to do, I was just thinking why didn't he have any better manners. But then he poured the rest out on me, it was freezing cold and really uncomfortable. But not as bad as what he did next.
I was terrified that it would break and that I would be permanently damaged, or worse. All I could think was just to try as hard as possible to relax every single muscle because if my muscles contracted it might break. Of course I asked him not to but he didn't care.
We had been married just over 2 days. And he did that to me. After he was finished he left me lying there still tied up and he went and watched tv. I had to ask him to please untie me.
I didn't tell anyone for months. I blocked it and then one day a few months later it all came rushing back. I was a mess. He had been very aggressive in other ways but I kept trying to make it work. I thought if I was submissive enough he wouldn't get angry anymore. I stopped wearing shorts or short skirts or showing any cleavage cos he got so angry and jealous. I didn't talk to any member, not even my friends husbands, even when they were right there, cos he was jealous. He also got jealous of my boss and accused me of sleeping with him too. I never cheated. But he wouldn't ever believe me.
50 shades of grey - I haven't read it and I never will. Anything to do with bondage, I will never ever do. I trusted my husband. I never dreamed he would do something like that to me. But he did. I don't know why.
Yes, I left him. I moved out while he was at work one day after he hurt the actual one night.. He got home to find me and my daughter and all the furniture gone. I left the bed behind cos I didn't want the bed that I had slept in with him. He begged but I didn't go back, not after that time. He threatened me with the police and said he was going to get me arrested for theft, but I never responded. A few weeks later he attempted suicide but I still stayed strong. Really i was just numb inside. I got a good counsellor and she helped me to not go back.
I still feel deeply ashamed of what he did to me. I can't even verbalise it when I talk. For a long time I didn't think I would ever really love anyone ever again. I still forget it even happened, and then I remember it again.
It's funny. I was raped by a stranger when I was 14, and that doesn't have anywhere near the same effect. Even though it was scary and violent, I still thought most men were still good. But my husband doing that destroyed me. It's the damage that it does to your ability to trust, more than anything.
HoneyBunny, you are such a strong person for revealing this and even stronger than concrete for LEAVING this creep. Envy and jealousy have no place in any relationship. I know...I lived it, and I left it exactly the same way you did.
No one has to be treated like dirt, and if you are and stay and say "But, I love them", then you love the way he/she treats you. You don't really...so, please if you are in this situation, get help. Get a counselor and a lawyer and a plan and decide you're better than the life you're living.
Good goin'!
Hey Honey bunny! Wow what a story and I am in awe of what you were able to do to get yourself and your daughter out of there! Thank you for sharing your story of hope with us.
I have experienced sexual abuse, physical abuse and emotional abuse (by three different people, I'm ashamed to say), but I think that this show was showing something different. I think that it wasn't trying to showcase abuse, but a strong miscommunication between the characters and something that became uncomfortable when that miscommunication was compounded by the male character's alcohol use. Yes, it was uncomfortable to watch. Yes, it put the character in a bad light and brought up some issues that for many (including myself) brought up negative memories, but I do not believe that abuse was what they were trying to get at. Missteps yes, mistakes yes, awkward truths that happen in sex when two people don't communicate and/or don't listen to their partners, but I didn't feel like malice was involved. Just my opinion.
Honey Bunny - Pieces of what you wrote reminded me of my ex husband too. Glad to hear you are safe now. It takes a lot of courage to realize it's not right and to get out.
There are two things you dont mix with bdsm: Alcohol and rage. You NEVER ever play angry or drunk, it clouds your judgment ant makes it difficult to know your limits as a bottom or to know when you go too far as a top.
i saw that episode and found it profoundly disturbing. what made it even more disturbing was that every episode gets more disturbing. i really hope this is not the life young women in metropolitan areas are living. i'm no puritan but everything about these characters is joyless. like that episode when one girl told the other that if she never contracted a veneral disease she wasn't living. nice
I thought it was like teenager sex, all about the guy coming and not caring for the girl. I wasn't disturbed by it, but girls is a weird show anyway.
I didn't see the show, but the description totally reminds me of my first sexual experience...
which was last october.
I thought it was just the guy being drunk and inconsiderate, but throw in a lack of communication too.
I never thought it was abusive, but I've got nothing but regrets over the whole thing.
:(
As an avid viewer of Girls, I found this episode very intriguing and eye-opening into the characters.
Adam was distraught due to the run in with his ex, Hanna. This caused him to drink, eventhough he is an alcoholic. His new girlfriend, Natalia went along with his drinking, knowing he is an alcoholic.
They go back to his creepy apartment for the first time and she comments on how 'dark' it is. Adam is a dark, though extremely honest character.
He then has sex with her in the same manner in which he used to with Hanna. This was not abuse or coercion. Natalia did not protest until the act was finished, when she said she didn't like it at all.
I believe Adam did this to expose a part of him that he kept hidden from natalia and to either test Natalia or actually push her away.
It was not role-playing, nor was it sinister. It was Adam feeling unworthy.
As for Real Life. I have engaged in similar experiences. The first time I was surprised, but there was no venom. It was aggressive and domineering, but enjoyable. And it was before any 'trust' had been established.
Now I look forward to it, as it doesn't happen as often as I'd like.