1. Really long fingers
There's something excessively freaky about women with really long fingers to me. Not that I can't appreciate some of the things long fingers are good for - like digging holes at the beach or touching China - it's just that I don't want them touching me. Which is a problem because how far do you have to run away to be out of reach of a chick with really long fingers? Do you see how scary that is?
Since we're talking appendages...
2. Women with really rough hands
I used to know this woman who was very attractive. That is, until I saw her hands. She had the UGLIEST hands I've ever seen. Her hands looked like she built railroad tracks for a living with her bare knuckles. Or that she'd never been introduced to the wonders of lotion. Her hands made me think of an 87-year-old slap-boxing world champion whose hands took crack for three years and then made a comeback by fighting bricks. Yeah, I think that's about accurate.
3. Ugly walk
And I'm not talking about the French tradition. I'm talking about women who make me want to donate money to the National Podiatry Society for Research Into Why She Walks Like That and Ending World Hunger Fund. You know what I mean, women who look like it just hurts to even be moving forward, as if all the kinetics in the world are working in tandem to keep them at bay. Hmm, even simpler, it looks like she's fighting gravity, wind, and Poseidon with every step. That's not very sexy.
Chimneys? Cool. Sausage? Bellisimo. Aces? No prob, Bob. Women? I just can't do it. I don't judge; to each his own. But I don't smoke. When I was in high school I used to date a chick who smoked on occasion. And I don't just mean my sausage. Badumching. Anyway, I found kissing her to be a true exercise in teenage love because I felt like I was eating a pack of menthols every time she puckered up. It got to the point where I told her I had teeth-gout and couldn't kiss anybody for two lifetimes. What a gullible chick, she totally believed me. Of course, she just started screwing another guy, but somehow, I feel like I came out on top. No pun intended. Either way, I just can't do it.
5. Women who look like it hurts to smile
If it literally takes a youtube collage of break dancing infants and nutkicks to make you crack a smile, you + me = calculus. It does not equal us. Word to 2Getha. I've met women for whom the idea of smiling was a foreign concept. Go bite somebody else's tree, Angryzilla. I like to hug pandas.
So, what are your dealbreakers?
Panama Jackson is waiting.