Like many of you I caught the big event in the headlines this week. JEOPARDY! had an IBM computer, named Watson compete and thoroughly destroy two human brain banks: Brad Rutter & Ken Jennings. And like many of you my mind drifted after about five minutes from Potent Potables to Trebek's Canadian accent to the bigger question this event asks: What is the future of robot/human sex and dating?    
     
The problem is, the function and application of computers are increasing at a furious rate. In the old days it seemed like computers, robots, electronics -- whatever you want to call them -- were used expressively for "some things." The two entities: human and computers could coincide and enjoy mastery of separate domains.  For example, computers add numbers better then us. Great, hooray for calculators. They can have that. Humans can tell better jokes. Awesome, we'll take that. Computers can find and replace, cut and paste better then us. Cool, go at it Microsoft Word.  But, Watson's win was a win for robots in the art of human affairs. It trumped us in things like language nuance, interpretation, reasoning and bantering with game show hosts. When computers like Watson start taking over what I'll call the "softer sciences" we humans are standing ankle deep at the dawn of deep sh*t.

After Watson's trouncing of his human competitors, the humanoids whined that Watson's ability to kick so much ass was in part due to the mechanics: the computer had a faster and more effective way to buzz the button and get his answer out. Sound familiar? YUP. You ever go one to one with a vibrator? Who wins? Machines are fast, steady and rarely complain of hands cramps, or tough angles. Remember the story of Ol' John Henry, the human rail worker getting his ass handed to him by a a steam-powered drill. When man goes toe-to-toe with a mechanized tool, it gets ugly.

I'm already married and thus don't have to compete in the coming years against smooth robots who compete for love, and post online dating profiles. Human ladies, how will it feel, when you start losing dates to "female" robots? When she-bots start writing wittier IMs then you, when they start looking identical to Marilyn Monroe and giving blowjobs like a snow blower in reverse. It's hard enough to compete with some of those LA types, now you have to fend off a machine that is specifically designed to give back rubs and laugh at farts?!

And guys, don't tell me I didn't warn you when you log on to match.com in the coming years and see: 2012 IBM hottie, seeks the same or cute female human for long term relationship. Turn-ons: reciting ALL Classic Literature, listening and remembering EVERYTHING you say, engaging in oral sex for as long as you wish, followed by sex until you orgasm. In my down time I enjoy  Tivo'ing Bravo and processing your feelings. Turn-offs: rain, low battery life, Fox News and cats.

Call me an alarmist, call me a heretic, but I for one wish for yesterday; when a vibrator knew its place and Alex Trebek was the stiffest thing on JEOPARDY!