The less than scientific term "queef" seems specifically designed to make men snicker and women spontaneously implode from embarrassment. Try to say "queef" without wincing. It's the misshapen spawn of the words "quack" and "beef." This vulgarity refers to the sound air makes when it escapes the vagina, which can occur during coitus, yoga, or other vigorous physical activities. Such genital echoes are natural, and not something that should inspire shame, especially between two lovers. In fact, a "queef" is frequently a sign that parts are well-lubricated, sexual positions are working, and everything is hunky dory.
Having said that, I think we should change the word "queef," which just sounds like the noise a jellyfish would make if thrown against a wall. I want to make a difference. Change the world for the better. Liberate couples from the crippling indignity of the rudely and clumsily named "queef." From here on out, I declare that a "queef" is now hereby rechristened a "victory honk."
Alert the press. Spread the word. We're taking a totally normal bodily function back!
Yea, verily brothers: every time you make ferocious love to a woman and her vagina tolls, don't wrinkle your nose and giggle. Nay! 'Tis a "victory honk!" Momentarily flex your muscles, and allow a warrior's snarl to stretch across your face. You are mighty! Like Hercules! Now do her Cerberus-style and play her trumpet of fleshy delight!
Here me sisters: when you "victory honk," do not blush! Look deeply into your man's eyes and hiss, "You have done well, sir. Continue your labors forthwith!" Confirm that such genital explosions are the happy byproduct of the right rhythm, angle, and dirty words. Because you are turned on! Which is why joyful noises are being made.
Why am I so passionate about this topic? Because sex is embarrassing enough without getting all neurotic about sounds that are going to happen regardless. Did you know that once, in a lame attempt at being kinky with a luvah, I suggested we pour honey on each other? The idea being we'd lick it off. We woke up with ants in the bed. Ants in my pubes. That is embarrassing because it was totally my fault.
"Victory honks?" Not embarrassing. Catching a stomach bug during a romantic getaway to Vegas? Embarrassing. You know what else is embarrassing? How about when your landlord walks in on you and your girlfriend cranking it out on the couch, and then pausing, licking his moustache, and slowly retreating back through door. I'm just putting things in perspective.
I also have this opinion because the first time I ever heard a woman's vagina make a fart-like noise, I was in college. I was having sex with a woman way out of my league, especially when it came to sexual experience. I think she used me as rehearsal for the older men she was more use to banging. She was bisexual, wrote erotica for a local punk rock zine, and our pillow talk consisted of me drooling and her ranting about how sexually uptight and oppressive America is, and that we should revolt. Anyway, she ordered me to do her from behind, and I eagerly complied - partly because she her ass glowed like the moon, and partly because I was afraid of her. Things were going smashingly, when, suddenly, there was a series of qu - "victory honks." I chuckled like a twelve-fingered Hillbilly. Well, she shut down the sex. Turned to me and bluntly said, "Laugh like that again, and I'll kick you in the balls."
Suffice to say, I learned long ago that a woman's body is full of complex, and beautiful, wonders.
I always called them Vagina farts. Victory honks is a much better way of putting it.
"...allow a warrior's snarl to stretch across your face. " my internet crush on you just grows and grows.
"Victory Honk" is the greatest expression I've ever heard! I will put it to use forthwith.
When I was in HS some kids had stomped a word into the snow outside my mother's office building which resulted in her innocently asking me, "Bev, what does 'queef' mean?" It would have been SO much less embarrassing if she'd asked me what a victory honk was.
Well, maybe not. Anyway, I like it. Well done!
Hoorah for the "Victory Honk". This is awesome.
I love how you see the world DeVore! You are awesome..
some people call'em 'varts'.
Verily, I say unto thee, Venerable DeVore, thy witty coinage doth pleaseth me. In sooth, thy blog remindeth me of The Miller's Tale, which may have been even funnier hath Alison victory honked, rather than farted, in Absalom's face.
I've been there. I lost my virginity to a dominant woman my first year of college. Similar qualities as your punk zine writer. I know how such an experience can change a man's mind forever. So with knowing that I quote George Carlin by saying:
"Ah! He's full of SH**T!"
Queef is a great word. I've been with women who've owned that word with pride, and I find it too difficult to change now. Don't be a pussy, then try to turn us all into one by making it advice. (Not that we have to take your advice, of course, I'm just being an asshole.)
Anyone else share my opinion? Men and women alike?
I'm comfortable with it being called a Vagina Fart. Much more vulgar than queef.
I always thought twat faht was a rathter giggle inducing turn of phrase.
Victory Honk is amazing - an excellent way to look at this sound. I think the last time I honked I burst into giggles because the sound are funny & you can't control them & you know it's from something good & is not going to lead to a smelly bathroom