This just in: the dude from American Pie, Jason Biggs, was treated to a prostitute by his wife. Yes, while you were at the grocery store squeezing oranges or sitting in traffic on your way home from work, that dude was receiving a blowjob as a birthday gift from his Misses. I guess the idea of scoring him Radiohead tickets or rearranging his pants' drawer, slipped her mind. So, like any loving spouse, she thought of the next best thing: splurging on a $600 hooker in Vegas.
I'm wondering if this is a good idea. I'm also wondering if this is a common gift for spouses in 2011 and I'm just behind the curve. A part of me feels like Biggs and his Misses just might have it right -- that toying with norms, with the conventional monogamy, is a brave and sensible thing to do. But the other part of me, the part that imagines my wife receiving the best oral pleasure of her life from some muscle strapped Polynesian sex guru, while I sit on the bed counting out $20's for him, ttends to not like the idea.
It's a conundrum to say the least: is monogamy a beautiful room to explore or a suffocating closet? And strangely enough it reminds me of one of the only solid conversations I've ever had with an ultra Orthodox Jew.
She was a fellow student at Brooklyn College; we both somehow landed in the same Ancient Greek Literature summer course and struck up a friendship of sorts. For the sake of this article I'll call her Faye, because that was her name, and the chances of her reading this are as likely as the chances of the Messiah or a new season of Mad Men arriving before Halloween. She was 19 and happily married; she had very pretty brown eyes and a tranquility that oozed out of her - making me both intrigued and infuriated.
One day, during my usual shtick of trying to poke holes into her wildly restrictive lifestyle, I found myself hammering at the fact that she would have to go a lifetime without tasting the joy of non-Kosher pizza. "How can you do it?" I'd whisper to her. "How can you miss out on something like that? Kosher pizza is such garbage, Faye."
She looked at me and with utmost ease whispered back, "If you've never had non kosher pizza; kosher pizza is the best." It was so simple yet rather profound. I meditated on that idea for a while and she followed up with another nugget, "By choosing to never have non-Kosher pizza I am fully able to relax. To embrace and enjoy what I do have. That's fulfillment."
"But," I charged back feeling my own anger and anxiety, "What if I have tasted non-kosher pizza. Then what? How do I figure out what's best for me?"
To me, this sums up monogamy. There will always be pizza cooking somewhere. But are we to follow our noses until the end of time, or settle in and dig into one sweet pie?
What's more, Faye had the "fortune" of not knowing other pizza, while the majority of us have tasted other slices before entering into monogamy. That can be tough. Extra toppings -- pineapple, mushroom, sausage, deep crust, thin crust, Chicago style, anchovies, peppers, Sicilian. It's never ending, Faye!
Our task is then, to make choices. Trying to formulate a recipe for fulfillment despite or within choices. Does one throw out all menus or take a page from Mr. and Mrs. Biggs playbook - order in and hope it won't spoil your appetite.
That is the question. One that requires great thought Only you can choose the path to joy.
So, how about it? Are you more Faye or more Biggs?
I guess it's a ridiculous thought that marriage should be taken seriously these days...
Whatever works for them, I guess. I'm definitely for Faye's theory. If you're always looking for what's better, you will never be satisfied.
I guess it's a ridiculous thought that marriage should be taken seriously these days...
Whatever works for them, I guess. I'm definitely for Faye's theory. If you're always looking for what's better, you will never be satisfied.
Why get married in the first place? That woman has the wool firmly pulled over her eyes - what kind of deal is that?!!!!!!!! If your relationship is that deprived that a hooker is your only solution for happiness? Eeesh. Each to their own, I guess.. but if my BF even suggested this kind of thing to me he'd be out on his ear.
You're reading too much into a story we know very little about. The media just reported on a strange little thing, they didn't say anything whether they're happy or unhappy or if he's contemplating divorce or runs home for dinner every night. Maybe he's going to let her sleep with her high school flame for Valentine's day, we don't know the inner workings of their marriage. Maybe they are unhappy, but just because they made what is an odd decision to most people doesn't make it so.
I'm on the Biggs train on this one: the wife had the option to do all the screening she wanted. It's kind of like ordering your guy his favorite meal for his birthday because you haaaaaaaaate cooking it. Both sides win and there's an understanding that this is a one-time thing.
Until he starts expecting it for every birthday. And Christmas. And when the wife finds out that the hooker actually had an STD. And when she, at some point, comes to the grim realization that she's not as good at sex as some woman whose profession it is. Other than all of that, it's all-win.
I mean, I'm pretty open-minded sexually, but I have my limits. I could see maybe, just MAYBE--in some realm of my imagination--having a threesome with my boyfriend for his birthday. With either someone we already both knew, or someone we met at a club. Or something. But a hooker? No way, Jose. Just, no. Especially without me involved. The thought seriously makes my head spin.
Of course, there's also the fact that this ended up being a public news story. I can't even wrap my brain around why anyone would want the whole world to know that this went down. I just...wow.
How exactly can you expect a gift? Makes zero sense to me. Birthdays do not require gifts. And while culturally, it is expected, the gift is supposed to be more of an expression of the giver and to a lesser extent the receiver.
Who cares if he comes to expect it? Isn't that like being disappointed that you didn't get 365 consecutive days of no rain?
In regards to the 'kosher pizza' theory; I can only speculate, because by no means did I stay with one topping myself, but it seems to me that if two people were to come together free from previous experience, develop their love through respect and a desire to grow together, they can make their own pizza however they like it TOGETHER. That seems like a pretty tasty receipe to me :)
Do they have kids? Because that would be a mixed-up message to send them..."Daddy is doing an act of LOVE with another lady"....IDK it's just iffy.
Right, because normally, their kids are watching mommy blow daddy.
Ok so you must've missed the part where this is on a freakin' website. Anyone with a computer could find out about it, kids included.
Thinking caps, people!
Hey, it's their business, doesn't in anyway affect us. She doesn't seem to mind, and in many ways she's giving a thoughtful gift. I'd be willing to bet many of the men out there would love for their wives/GFs/SOs to be just as 'generous'.
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