Oy vey.
Talk about your cluster*CENSORED* of emotions. But this person's question raises all kinds of valid and interesting issues. Namely, the moral argument versus the practical argument. And to a much larger scale the rights of men versus women in situations like these. To be clear, I have no intention on arguing about the gender rights issue, but I will say that I think it's patently absurd that men have no say so once a woman gets pregnant. But that is perhaps based on the fact that I've read far too many infuriating stories. So let's leave that one for the courts and sites intended to hash those issues out.
To the original point, I can't imagine what would go through a woman's mind upon finding out that she's pregnant by a man that she cant' say she loves. It can't be any easier to decide to terminate the pregnancy. Maybe she realized it was just not in her own best interest to be a mother at this point and especially not with the particular individual she got pregnant by. I realize that how you feel about what I just said might differ greatly depending on where you fall in the pro-life vs pro-choice debate. But a decision has to be made and she's decided she's going to end the pregnancy.
So what should she do?
Here's where it gets tricky. Morally speaking, yes she has an obligation to tell the guy that she is pregnant with his child. The man has a right to know. They laid down together and had sex and a pregnancy occurred. Whether he would want to keep it is irrelevant to whether or not he has a right to know. But this is also where the man's right issue comes in. She's already decided that she's not keeping the baby...no matter what he says. I cannot imagine for the life of me the mental anquish I'd go through if a woman told me she was pregnant and then in the next breath told me she wasn't keeping it. I have no idea what side of that argument I'd be on and it would largely depend on the woman and circumstances, but it is a life we're talking about. Moving on though, morally speaking, she should tell him, even though she's made the choice without his input.
Practially speaking on the other hand, based on her decision to forego the pregnancy, she should keep it to herself. And I think I lean more towards this for my answer. If you were to tell me that you were pregnant AND that you weren't keeping it in the same sentence, I'd become livid. It takes two to tango but I have no say so on the end result? It's a principle issue but its bigger than that. You're playing God with something that I helped to create and I'm held completely powerless. It's just not fair. That's my CHILD you're talking about and you've decided that I will never meet them. Dramatic as that sounds, its more truth than it isn't. But since that choice is already made, there really is no point in putting him and yourself through the histrionics of what would happen once you told him. You've decided you don't want to be a mother to this child with this fellow so keep your mouth shut.
While I don't really like that outcome, given the circumstances, it seems like the logical choice. Morals are great until they ruin everybody's life.
Ladies and gentleman, what do you think she should do?
PS For everybody that will say that they're appalled that I said nothing about personal responsibility, etc, you're right. It was on purpose. She's not asking if she should keep it. She's decided she's not. Its not my job to judge her. Her question was about if she should tell her guy or not. Period.
I commend you Panama for taking the time to fully understand her situation and answering it in the the best way possible. I fully agree with your answer. Morally she should tell, but at the end of the day she's already made up her mind. For her to tell him she's pregnant, and then say she's not keeping it, then it really seems unnecessary for both of them to go through that extra emotional turmoil.
Even though she may not decided to tell him, she should definitely confide in a very good friend. This is a situation you do not want to go through alone.
I wish the OP the best with whatever decisions you decide to make.
Wow. No, Panama, no. That is NOT "your CHILD," okay? That is a FETUS.
And a rose by any other name will still smell sweet. Panama knows what it is; a cluster of cells in a woman's body that is growing into the relative shape of a human baby, with more or less functions of a human baby, depending on the stage of development, and eventually be born. What he chooses to call it is irrelevant and it is fallacious to tell him his word choice is wrong. This isn't a medical seminar where medical terms should be used to avoid confusion, it's a blog where slang and more commonly used terms are perfectly acceptable.
We ALL know how we feel about abortion and whether or not we feel a fetus has enough value to deserve life. It doesn't matter if I call it a baby, fetus, it, clump of cells, or thing, you will still feel the way you feel about it, and so will I, and so will everyone else reading this. We shouldn't pretend otherwise.
Nailed it mate.
I do agree with Panama that men, in general, should have the right to know as well. It was a joint decision to have sex, the female should at least give him the respect of knowing that he created a pregnancy. If he ever found out somehow after the decision was made to terminate the pregnancy, I can not imagine the pain a man would feel. But then again, I can't say I know what she should do, I'm not in her shoes nor would I envy being in her shoes.. I'm not her, I have no idea. However, this is why I personally feel that having friends with benefits to this extent is really iffy.
If you have sex with someone, there is a chance of pregnancy. Even if birth control pills, condoms, etc. are used, there is still a risk of pregnancy. Sex outside of a mature serious relationship has the potential to put you in this situation. So in my humble opinion, people should decide if they can handle this type of dilemma.
Sorry, didn't complete that last sentence "So in my humble opinion, people should decide if they can handle this type of dilemma before just jumping in bed with someone for the fun of it".
Sorry, don't agree. It is not a child at that point it is a cluster of cells INSIDE A WOMAN. The man may have contributed a sperm, but it's not him who will go through the pregnancy, delivery and primary care of the child for 18 years. And it's not the man who will have to worry about dying in childbirth. It's nice to think that men care, but in many cases, they really don't. Just look at the number of "dead beat dads" in this country.
If a woman decided to have part of her labia removed, would a man have any say even if he'd had sex with her? It's really the same thing....
I'm pro-choice, but that "cluster of cells" is unlike labia in that if they left undisturbed those cells will divide until a child is born. If left intact, a woman's labia will forever be just her labia. One is a huge life long concern to the man and the other is of little consequence.
Death from childbirth in developed countries is rare. In fact, you are much more likely to die from a sexually transmitted disease than childbirth.
I agree that the woman has the right to respond to this situation however she chooses, but that doesn't mean the father of this "cluster of cells" shouldn't feel as though his child was destroyed.
I feel that we diminish the value of fathers when we dismiss the ones who want to step up.
However, I don't have any idea how to make it work when the father wants the pregnancy to continue and she doesn't. She chooses and he lives with the consequences. I think in the long run he is better off not knowing about the pregnancy.
Do not tell anyone! Get the abortion and then tell a (pseudo trusted) Why? This is where people take your choices into their hands. If you think they will keep a secret then disappointment is probable!! Tell him absolutely NOT!. After wards perhaps he does not need to know but surly you need better birth control! This is another reason to always have birth control preferable IUD or such that is always functioning.
The fact that she reached out on this site confirms that she hasn't made up her mind and actually has doubts. If she had made up her mind, she would have already done it, no questions asked.
Yes, tell the father. He has a right to know. If he steps up to bat for you is going to be another question. Be prepared for the "how do I know it's mine?" question. Be prepared for "sure, I'll support you no matter what" but as soon as his family and friends get in his head, he will run the other way.
I am not pro-abortion. I am pro-choice. It is your right to choose if this future person will live or die. You could give the child up for adoption. You could go pay $500 and have an abortion. You could decide that a higher power decided it was time you got pregnant for a reason and accept the responsibility. Regardless of your decision, I promise you that each one will have lasting consequences on your life.
Take time to review who you are, what you want out of life, where you are in your life, and what you can offer a child. You should tell the father, but don't expect him to be your knight in shining armor. There's a reason women have the babies, hon. Because we are strong and can do this. I wish you the very best.
PS - My "decision" just left for college last week. He is the light of my life.
I went through a very similar thing last summer except it was someone whom I had been dating exclusively for a few months that got me pregnant. I debated not telling him and just going through with the abortion, and in my case it made more sense to tell him because I knew we had a future in the relationship and it wasn't something that would be easy to hide. In your case I would say, if you have decided not to have the child, I agree that it is probably easiest to keep it to yourself. I can also tell you that if you have no moral qualms with abortion nor consider yourself someone who might want a kid right now, an abortion won't necessarily be this big huge event in your life that has lasting consequences. At least it wasn't for me.
Very good post! there is still a risk of pregnancy. Sex outside of a mature serious relationship has the potential to put you in this situation.I knew we had a future in the relationship and it wasn't something that would be easy to hide. In your case I would say, if you have decided not to have the child, I agree that it is probably easiest to keep it to yourself.
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beautiful answer, BFF