I have a very short list of preexisting relationship conditions that would keep me from dating someone. So long as you're not on the run from the law (international courts count, btw,) addicted to meth, or a terrorist, chances are I'll probably date you. But if you own a cat, no dice. My dislike for felines is both medical and philosophical.
You might think my prejudice towards cats is based solely on my near-debilitating allergy to those whiskered critters. Just the mere suggestion of dander causes my eyes to crawl out of their sockets, lungs to fill with fur, and a deep, red carpet of curdled flesh to break out all over my body. But no, I also have issues with the species. On a slightly related note, I also don't find Garfield funny, even if I too hate Mondays and lo-o-ove lasagna. That I am a loud and proud Leo is just one of life's interesting little ironies.
I have tried to date women with cats, but it has never worked out. Their devotion to Appleseed or Silly Britches always straddles the border between Creepistan and Bonkersville. Most women with cats I've known dote on their meowing parasites with the brainwashed fidelity of a cultist. Remember: every crusty old cat lady on A&E's gross-out shockumentary show "Hoarders" started out a nubile young cat lady. That's right. Also, let's not forget that Little Darling would have no qualms about eating Grandma's face if she keeled over, either. Don't get me started on LOLcats. Can I haz flamethrower? Cats are not cute, they are sinister. More on that in a bit.
Oh, and then there's the whole fact that the furballs turns me into a wheezing avalanche of snot.
I swear I have an actual reason for despising kittehs. But many a potential relationship has screeched to a halt because of one woman's obsession with an animal that was exclusively designed by nature to kill at night. I picked a woman up at a club once. While I've spent many years trying to convince chicks to take me home using a potent cocktail of charm, devilish good-looks, and subtle begging, I've more often than not been shot down like an X-wing fighter gallantly dogfighting above Endor. So this one woman was a real prize: she was stunning, laughed with her belly, and when I offered to buy her a drink, she was there, waiting for me, when I returned. We got tipsy, and as my fingers lightly stroked her elbow, she leaned into me and asked if I wanted to go home with her. It all felt so right, and sweet, and I was so happy -- Christmas morning on a late Friday night.
The cab ride was it's own story -- our driver had deep-seated, and unfulfilled NASCAR dreams. We stumbled up to her place, stopping at the door to sloppily indulge in one of those close-eyed kisses where mouths find each other using magnetism. Once in the door, however, it hit me. Freakin' kitty litter. I was a trooper, and decided that I would use my mind to overcome the inevitable. She was gorgeous, made Star Trek jokes, and, you know, a man has needs. I would not be deterred. It started with a tickle in the back of the throat, but The Champ would not let a little thing like an allergy get between him and carnal awesomeness. But with every lick, and grind, I became more and more congested. My eyes watered. Hives bloomed. Apparently, my asthmatic death rattle was not a turn on. She offered an antihistamine, but I could have injected liquid Benadryl directly into my eyes, and it wouldn't have helped. I told her I was allergic to cats. Her face fell. We could never work. It was me or the cat, and the monster had squatters rights. Not to mention her heart.
I'm not bitter about my infirmity. Nopers. Watch a cat dream. You know what it's dreaming about? Being a saber-toothed tiger, and snacking on a Cro-Magnon's noggin. If hostile aliens were to arrive on Earth and offer cats and dogs opposable thumbs, and laser rifles, two things would happen. Cats would jump at the opportunity, and blast the dogs away, then go to work on humanity. I am opposed to cats because they see us as Disposable Food Bringers. Purring is just their manipulative way to get us to feed them, and they resent having to do it in the first place. They do not love you. They will turn on you.
But dogs? Never. Too dumb. And too shnookum-shnuggles-kissybowwowface!
If you have a cat, I will not date you. And apparently, you will not date me. Let us all move on.
It's sad and very "crazy cat lady" like, but true, between a man and my cat, I'd choose my cat.
I chose a cat over a dog 5 years ago mostly because I was living in an appartment and it was more convenient. Also, I can leave her alone and go away on a week-end with a big pile of food and she won't even noticed I'm gone. A dog, you always need to find someone to keep an eye on it, even for 2 or 3 days.
Btw, you do know there are treatment to keep your cat allergie in check, right? It just seems a shame to miss out on a stunning woman who makes Star Trek jokes because of a pesky allergie...
Also, in case of "alien with the gift of opposable thumbs" scenario, cats wouldn't zap out all dogs and human! It's way too much energy consuming (cats sleeps 3/4 of the day). They would just wait untill someone opposes them and THEN zap away. Cats believe they rules Earth already anyway.
I'd pay to see this on screen, though. Hollywood, make me an "alien with the gift of opposable thumbs" movie, already!
Hilarious!
I have two dogs and I can make star wars/trek/gate jokes gallore! When can you pick me up sweet thang?
Da-yam, Reformed Player...passionate much? So, I'm not clear...do you, or do you not, like cats?
I hate to say it... but it's true. I love my two kitties and it would take my DREAM man for me to be convinced I could live without them. But on the same note, my dream man would not be automatically turned off by the fact that I have cats either... he would see past the cat-loving (despite his irrational hatred of cats) and realize I'm worth pursuing!
This is one more reason why I love you, John Devore. :-) I f*cking hate cats.
I've always had dogs, and can agree that nothing can ever replace that kind of love and devotion, but I really gotta love my cat. She's like a mini-me, but with fur and green eyes, and occasionally more attitude. I swear I walked into the room she was being kept in (waiting to be adopted) and she immediatly decided "That human is now mine. I claim her. End of story." because when I knelt down infront of her cage she got right up and started rubbing against the bars and purring. ^.^
And she either got really curious or actually cared a little bit, because I was crying the other night [which I HATE doing!] because I missed my dog (we had to put her down because she had a brain tumour; we'd had her since I was three) and I was on the floor at the time. I felt something on my forehead and I looked up and Rhoda (my kitty) was right there with this look on her face like "What happened?!!" Of course, she jumped away by a foot or so when she realized I was loking at her, but it got me to stop crying. :)
I'm still trying to get my mom to get a puppy though. (She says we can't afford one right now, because she had to miss two weeks of work for medical reasons and we still have some vet bills to take care of from our dogs [we had another one in addition to the one I mentioned, who had to be put down for bone cancer two years ago.] but when we do...!)
Booooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I love it! Hate cats. HATE. They are the devil. Dogs on the other hand are adorable and all they want is someone to rub they're bellies, and ears, and give them food and water. And thats it - they have your back for life.
I love cats. A woman owning a cat doesn't exactly make her crazy, but I love cats. I have this thing about dogs, and that they never truly leave you alone. My cat could disappear somewhere in the house for several hours, and I wouldn't worry. But a dog follows you, it has to be bathed all the time, and I could go on forever.
I. hate. cats.
Just like you said DeVore, they are snobby little princesses that would claw apart your bed sheets as soon as look at you.
I've never felt fully comfortable with them either, mostly because they do that stretching thing the inevitably ends in them clawing sensitive areas of my body. No thanks.
On the other hand, I love my dog but it feels different than when crazy cat ladies talk about their cats. I think the difference is that cat people feel like they need their cat (or the cat's approval?). On the other hand, dog people feel needed by their lovably stupid dogs. Fish and bird people are just on their own.
Also, my dog is old, fat, and walks into glass doors. Pepper FTW!
blergh. proof reading fail = major pet peeve
I'm a dog person all the way. Particularly terriers. Don't mind cats, but my girlfriend is allergic so I steer clear as well.
I haven't even read this yet, but I just wanted to say: screw cats.
Except cornish rexes and ragdoll cats. They're cool. Also pumas.
Jaguars are pretty cool, actually.
Wait, are you encouraging people to screw cats in the Biblical sense, or just disparage them with extreme prejudice? Because I know of a tale told in my high school about someone walking in on someone getting frisky with a cat on his lap. And that guy wound up getting elected to be a state senator. No, I'm sorry, I'm thinking of someone else. I have no idea what happened to the "cat-fornicator". True story, if you believe it. Interestingly enough, he kind of looked like Ben Franklin (abbreviated as BF hereafter), who was a member of the notorious Hellfire Club, which was basically a version of "Eyes Wide Shut" in the 18th century, so, you know, the rumor could be true based on the unconnected correlation between this rumor and a club that has been documented on Wikipedia as being authentic (I'm a lazy researcher). Connect the dots:
kid looks like BF
was reported to have had carnal relations with a cat
BF confirmed to be a member of an old-timey orgy club two centuries before...we're through the looking-glass here, people...
Yeah, I'm kind of OK with cats, but they can be kind of creepy. So to answer your question, no thank you, I would not like a free kitten.
It's called Zyrtec, Singular, and Claratin. Stop being a pussy (HA) and take it. Although if a guy chose not to date me solely on my love of cat (and all fuzzy animals for that matter) then he's just not worth it anyway.
I am in no way, shape or form a "cat-person" but we found one in a ditch... tiny little ragamuffin mewing all alone (her ploy for free food and shelter? possibly) and we took her in, my plan was to take her to a shelter the next day but my daughter LOVES cats and well, I said ok... I dislike cats, usually with a vengence, because they are to.. catish... but I fell in love eventually with the now fat little furball and would not get rid of her for any man, because she is a part of the family until she dies... but when she does, I guarantee you, no more cats for me EVER!!! lol
Meh cats. My cats (well, from when I lived with my parents) were evil, but you can't just give them away (even though we all wanted to at some point.) I'm not a pet person, at our apartment we have a fish. We named him Puppy. It's almost like having a puppy, except he's a fish.
so true. i work at a pet store and i get old ladies buying 100+ cans of cat food at a time.... how did that insanity start? with one cat. you don't really see people act that way with dogs. of course, there's the exceptions, but the cat people are the craziest, by far.
I dont seem able to comprehend this.
I have a cat, but I do not dote on her.
She is a beautiful cat, but I couldnt stand it if she were to be my oly companion.
I find the issues of women (or men) who become so attached to their pets to be slightly...disturbing.
I love cats and dogs equally, the only reason I have a cat is because I was not allowed to have a large dog (small dogs are just to annoying).
So your generalization is completely off in perceptive and slightly insulting.
Yet, understandable in the context that you are a guy.
I have two caTs one male and one girl. And they're awesome. I love animals period, I wud have more animals but I'm waiting for a house, to ALL THOSE WHO SAY CATS ARE BAD you're full of shit. You can't judge an animal right away, animals have personalities just like dogs and even people. And it also depends if you raised the animal from birth, I've had my cats from near birth and they are the sweetest companions one cud ask for, unselfish, unsnobish, obedient, and loyal. To anyone who hates cats...have you ever had a kitten or raised one???then how the f do you know? Cuz ur judging entire species on one bad experience??? That's like condemning all monkeys to death cuz one threw poop at u in a zoo! Ridiculous! Dont hate something just cuz you're inexperienced or never tried it for yourself! Go ahead and try it, if you have allergies get a sphynx. Or get meds and see for yourself any human givin enough time will connect with an animal especially having it from birth so shut the f up! My ex hated cats then guess what he has now a freaking cat!
Your enthusiasm for the feline species is admirable and your thoughts are valid. It's also funny that you mention primates because I work with them daily and they are pretty awesome, poo flinging and all. However, not to be catty (oh come on, you knew the puns were coming), but reading this makes my eyes hurt...
While I do agree with everything you said, I think that if a monkey threw poo at me, I would try to avoid future interactions. Just sayin'.
I've always been a cat person, though I've had a few dogs in the past that I absolutely loved dearly. I adopted a kitten a few months ago, and as soon as I brought him home, I felt this surge of maternalism towards him and now it's almost as if he's my child. I guess this makes me crazy or something, but I can't see how loving a pet is weird.
Also, to everyone who keeps calling cats "evil", I call bullshit. Cats are just animals- just like dogs, birds, horses, turtles, and everything else.
I certainly don't wish any harm to come to cats/kittens/kittehs (admittedly, some are cute), but let's face it: most cats are assholes. Cats trip you throughout the house, scratch your furniture, and leave dead flied on your pillow as "gifts." Meanwhile, dogs are wonderful, sweet, loyal, and willing to protect you. That sounds much closer to love to me!
Great blog, funny as hell - I completely disagree, but, hey, to each their own. I like both cats & dogs, but my preference is for cats. I'm extremely independent & take care of myself and I like people (pets) who are similar. Dogs appear more lovable (but really, no animal understands that concept), but it is simply a function of a pack mentality: you are their alpha, you lead the way to food & shelter. A dog without a pack cannot survive, hence the neediness. Actual dog packs roaming free? Are a menace. Oh, and if they are hungry enough? They will chow down on human flesh; google it. Cats - apart from lions - are solitary hunters and if left to their own devices can take care of themselves. I always worry about stray dogs, but never stray cats.
I never really liked cats, but recently i have been living in Panama, and a cat had kittens right outside my house in a tire!.
It became a hobby to wath this mother take care of these little guys.. 4 of them, after about two weeks my girlfriend and i noticed they were gone from the tire, and thought nothing of it then sitting in the garden one day we heard little meows from one of the pots in the garden, it was the furry bunch.
Now we understood.. Panama is about the hottest goddam place around and these kittens had just been moved by mummy to just right place to keep them cool enough in the day, and optimum temperature at night.. it was fun watching these kittens in there pot, they always popped there little heads out, and trying to see the outside world.
A week later the mother had moved them to another spot in the garden some sheltered bushes.. these cats are experts at finding just the right place., it was then i started to admire cats for there survival skills, they started to come out and walk around the garden a bit and play.. they were to dam cute to resist.. they are now 5 months old, and the one we call Scruffy goes gecko hunting with me at night! HE IS LIKE A LITTLE PANTHER very cool kitten, he will follow me like a dog and is an expert hunter.
I like cats alot now, and as above mentioned its all about experience with them.. but im talking about outdoor cats, its great to see them in the nature they love it outside, and anyway if my Girlfriend had a crocodile as a pet i would still love her, but maybe not make fun of her as much..
Great blog, funny as hell - I completely disagree, but, hey, to each their own. I like both cats & dogs, but my preference is for cats. I'm extremely independent & take care of myself and I like people (pets) who are similar. Dogs appear more lovable (but really, no animal understands that concept), but it is simply a function of a pack mentality: you are their alpha, you lead the way to food & shelter. A dog without a pack cannot survive, hence the neediness. Actual dog packs roaming free? Are a menace. Oh, and if they are hungry enough? They will chow down on human flesh; google it. Cats - apart from lions - are solitary hunters and if left to their own devices can take care of themselves. I always worry about stray dogs, but never stray cats.
I am definitely not a cat person. So I totally feel for you. Especially the part about them not loving you. They will turn on you in a second. Dogs are loyal and just plain all-around more awesome. Cats are kind of dicks. I have had cats abandon me before, and not because I was a bad owner, but my dogs never have. Great post!
Amen John! Cats are creepy, rancid smelling, and sneaky! I completely agree with you. Like zombies, they would glady feast on our brains! It also irks me when cat lovers assume that we're inhumane because we don't want to cuddle up with the sinister critters. They're cats people, not human beings! While we're on the subject, when you visit friends who own cats (and I use the plural form because it's never just one!), why do they insist that you love their cats? This is a strange phenomenon. If a dog owner sees you're uncomfortable, they'll put the dog in another room or in the yard. Not cat people!! The ghastly things could be crawling on you, trying to lick your face, scratching away at your clothes, and shedding their nasty hair all over you while your eyes are watering, your nose is running, your skin is itching and crawling, and you're visibly horrified, yet politely trying to shoo the things off you, and your friend will say something like, "Oh, isn't that adorable? Peanut Butter and Jelly like you. They want to snuggle and play!" No it's not adorable!! It's torture!! And we're the inhumane ones? Egads!!!!
Maybe you just need better friends?
Ok, I'm just joking, but I have a cat (that's right, just one, and I don't plan on getting more), and I would never force him on my friends. If he makes them uncomfortable, I either put him in another room, or I find something to distract him with.
Though my cat allergies have waned since living with a female roommate who had two cats, I'm still not a fan. Mainly because it weirds me out how much women especially seem to become obsessive over them. I. Just. Don't. Get. It.
And to all the lady posters who offered that they only have a dog or two as reason why John should date you: replacing one weird obsession for an animal with another type of animal doesn't replace the weird obsession part.
Jus'sayin.
Though my cat allergies have waned since living with a female roommate who had two cats, I'm still not a fan. Mainly because it weirds me out how much women especially seem to become obsessive over them. I. Just. Don't. Get. It.
And to all the lady posters who offered that they only have a dog or two as reason why John should date you: replacing one weird obsession for an animal with another type of animal doesn't replace the weird obsession part.
Jus'sayin.
Dogs 4 Life! I too, hate cats, except black cats, because they're underdogs.
I too am allergic/hate cats. Well, except black cats, because they're underdogs.
My last two roommates both had cats, and I can't really stop them from going into my room even if I wanted to. So when a guy comes over for that cuddle session, cat hair existence is really not a product of my own obsessions.
This does seem to be a general deal-breaker though with a lot of guys, I've been a few times now. Just assuming that I've got the insane cat lady gene is a bit uncool. But hey, you didn't get laid either...
Well John aside from your extreme allergies it sounds like you really just have an aversion to people who get obsessive over their pet cats- and thats totally understandable.
I admit i have a cat- but I definitely do not exhibit any of that behavior that is associated with "cat ladies". I raised the cat from two days old through a foster program.. and shes a little helpless. The cat is well, cross-eyed and retarded...I dont have any special names or anything and she really just spends all day hiding in weird places like in my drawers and closets,etc. She's not too intelligent but she's friendly- what im trying to say is... not all people own cats are cat people! Most guys just laugh when they see her.... and jokingly give her that how many fingers am I holding up test..., and since I never pay attention to my cat over a guy there's no hard feelings.
That being said, I have an aversion to guys with lots of allergy problems! it seeems so WIMPY to be getting food and they're like PEANUTS is this made with peanuts????? I cant eat this- cant do that... My eyes are sensitive... blah blah blah. I know its not their fault that their mommas probably didnt breast feed them and give them the antibodies they need not to be a pussies... but to me "allergy boys" are just as bad as "cat ladies"!
I both agree and disagree with you cat haters. In my heart of hearts I am a dog person. Cats are bitches. I mean, Egyptian civilization people: Cats are the keepers of the underworld. Serious poop. Yet I have a cat and I love him. I know he uses me and I envy how spoiled he is, but since I am a pet person period (alliteration!) I can't ditch him. I'm not all psycho cat chick for him, but since we weren't allowed dogs, we forced a cat on my mom (not literally).
Don't get me wrong, I will cut a pussy if he gets too familiar. But this is usually followed by an apologetic treat.
It's amusing how dog people are just as obsessed with their animals and cannot admit to it. The proof is in their belief that their dogs genuinely 'love' them and out of doggy respect would not eat their organs if they slipped into a coma on the lounge room floor and were unable to feed them. (The worlds first face transplant, anyone? Her dog ate her face.)
Any meat eating animal desperate enough will eventually eat available meat if they're trapped in the house with it. The difference between cats and dogs is that domesticated dogs are not solitary so are now less capable of procuring that food without our help. They also tend to be unable to get away from even bad owners due to fences, walls, leashes, lack of tree climbing ability etc and that makes them appear more loyal to their current food source. If they were still in packs they'd totally be fucking your shit up as much as any other animal. All domesticated animals are using us as we use them, that's why we domesticated them in the first place.
Then there's the sheer amount of doggy merchandise - clothing, foot wear, head gear, carry bags etc. Admit it, dog lovers - you're just as delusional as cat people.
I have a cat, and I love her, and I know that she cares about me. True, she might not *love* me in the traditional sense of the word love, but when I would walk to school, she used to follow me there, wait around, and follow me home. She'd follow me to my friend's houses, and follow me home, that's dedication there. When I moved out of my mom's house, she lost two pounds, until I moved to a place where they let me keep her, and then she gained back all the weight, and is happier to see me then any dog I've ever seen. Dogs are so needy! They pant, and shed, and eat, and need to be taken outside every three minutes (which in Alaska gets very annoying in the cold). If there's ever an intruder at the door, my dog will sway over a piece of meat, but I know my little 15 year old kitty would do anything to keep me safe.
I love my cat.. I look at him like he is my son. I love him and I know he loves me too.. maybe in a different kind of sense but I know its still there. If I was forced to choose between a man and my cat I would have to go with my feline baby. Sorry boys, if you really truly love me you would love my cat too.
I have two dogs along with my cat, and I gotta say the cat is much easier to take care of. You dont have to let him outside, he can roam around the house all day and you dont have to worry about if hes getting into something he shouldnt, and you can leave the house for days, put a bunch of food in his bowl and he will be fine. Yea he'll be pissed when you come home, but they always give you that unconditional love.
Cats are truly amazing creatures with big hearts. I'd be lost without my furry man =D
I have to admit it is their sheer asshole-ness that so attracts me to cats. Dogs always seem to worship you unconditionally but cats, cats look down on you with just the level of contempt you deserve.
(So of course the perfect pet for someone with self esteem issues.) ;)
Well I look at it this way- on the bright side, if your house was on fire, your dog would bark and wake you up. Whereas, a cat would just quietly sneak out of the house without you noticing.
Man you're selfish....I'm sure you'd be happy to know my cat just passed away last night after getting hit by a car. I found her this morning. She has been with me for the last 10 years. A lot longer than most men by the way. No wonder we have a soft spot for animals. Any person who doesn't like animals is just totally self-centered. Right right.....I wouldn't give someone like you the time of day.
I have raised my cat since he was a kitten. He is the most wonderful, caring and devoted pet I have ever had. If I am upset or anyone in my home is upset, he will sense it, come up to them and be affectionate. He snuggles with me, greets me at the door, asks for very little in return for all of the love, affection and devotion that he gives me. The reason it is a dealbreaker for me when a man does not like my cat (which only happened one time) is because it shows that he does not have love and compassion for animals. John, you don't appreciate cats because you have never had the opportunity to live with and get to know one because of your allergies. And no, I am not a crazy cat lady, I love my cat the same way many people love their dogs. The difference is that my cat is smarter, less high maintenance and I don't have to walk him or scoop up his fresh, warm shit with little baggies. Fuck that! If you truly think that cat people are crazy then I would have to say that anyone that would scoop up fresh shit in a baggie for a dog is crazy. So yes, John you are the asshole, not cats!
Pets are like their owners. It's the truth. Sit back and observe, and you'll see that if someone is a nervous type, their pet (cat or dog, doesn't matter) will be nervous, too; if they're a snobby bitch, the pet will be, as well. You can tell a lot about a person by simply watching their pet for a while.
I wont DATE a man , if he owns a cat. something about a man and his Kitteh, makes me say, mmmm, no thanks. :)
I wont date a Man, if he owns a cat. something about a man who has a Kitteh, makes me say, mmm No thanks.:)