No! Okay, maybe not with the exclamation mark.

Also, I'm totally blushing. I've been called out!!! Because, I'm pretty sure I've probably said something similar sometime or another on one of your videos or articles, I've been reading Cracked for a long time. As one of the faceless women who has maybe considered you as the perfect guy at one point or another... I need to go drown myself in the bath.

The thing is, you have discovered the secret to a girl's heart. It's laughter. You're the funny guy. Girls LOVE that. I love it! Everyone loves it! Laughter puts people at ease, a smile brightens a day. It doesn't take long for a brain to figure out cause and reaction. It starts to attribute happy feelings to you. We don't see the other side, the domestic side, the not for public side... so there's no disturbance.

It's funny because I've had a lot of time to think about this. I had this major crush on my tutor, he was an overweight 33 year old man. I was 17. It didn't make any sense at all. Except for, I never left his presence without a smile on my face. Ever. (Actually I'm always being told I have bad taste in guys because they're not particularly good looking and that I obviously have self-esteem issues... but I don't! Because when you're genuinely happy around a person, it doesn't matter what they look like). Not to say you're not cute, cause you definitely are. Cute and awkward, like a puppy. A puppy that must be loved.

So does that mean I would want to sleep with you? Sure! Providing you're not secretly a jackass. As a one night stand? No! But only because I don't do that. (And in this situation you hypothetically do not have a wife.)

But I'd also sleep with a funny guy who is NOT you, so my attraction is more of a 'type' than a specific to you.

So let me rephrase that first sentence:
No! Because you're married!

Anyways, if you check the comment section of your videos... I think more people are in love with DOB actually :P

Swaim, we're gonna have to change your title from FUNNY GUY to PLAYYYYA.

gosh, i feel like a sleaze, and (apologies to your very cute wife), i think most of those comments are sincere. i know that i'm attracted to your online persona, but i never personally commented on your cracked articles, muskets site, muskets blog, or twitter- not that i follow those or anything. it reads all kind of creepy when i see those, as does this reply!
anyways, with that being said, the reason you attract the ladies attention online rather than in real life is because you benefit from editing and portraying a character. your articles and videos are concentrated and planned. we only see your best side. the funny guy friend in real life gets laughs, but that's accompanied with flops and gaffs and embarrassing moments, and also sinks to the familiar and less-than-notable when with people who are used to you. online, it can be novel and fresh.

I think what it is, is that you are *kind of* like a celebrity, because there are videos with you that some people have actually seen, but you're a heck of a lot more accessible than an *actual* celebrity (as in, you actually read the comments on your videos. If there's one person you can count on NEVER reading your comments on a video containing Brad Pitt, it's Brad Pitt). Also, in the videos one does not get the impression that you are "awkward" or "a little drunk" (you might be), because they're rehearsed. A rehearsed version of just about anyone is a little sexier, because, let's face it, the word "um" is not hot.

For myself, I think you're cute (I'm into "hideously tall" guys, because I'm 5'0" and I live in a sitcom or webcomic, I'm not sure which yet), but I probably wouldn't sleep with you. For one thing, I would so lose a fight with your wife.

I've have to say - that yea your online persona is attractive. I think most women are willing to bump uglies with a guy - whom she may not find physically attractive - but as you said makes her laugh. And thats what you've done. You made us all giggly at our desk at work - and that is worth a piece. I dont know if I'd let you lay it down, but its a definite possibility. Now, Reformed- Player/ John DeVore. He could get it!

I would never proposition you because I can anticipate how embarrassing that would be, but I do consider you a sex object. What exactly did you expect, Swaim, when every exposure we have to you involves you being intensely hilarious? You're leading us internet women on.

So, I agree with Jess, yes I would have sex with you solely based on your internet appearances, if you weren't an immediate jackass in real life and your wife was not involved.

If you don't like all of the anonymous sexual attention, then you could temper our attraction by starting a blog or newsletter where you give sincere posts involving life tips and your personal observations about married life (as long as you avoid topics involving your emotional sensitivity, because then we will start showing up at your door).

I'd tap that. In a totally heterosexual way.

Cathy is right (btw, Cathy you should get an account so I can follow your every move... like a creeper. Because you're so funny!)

I didn't even know you were married up until I randomly checked out your twitter account, and then randomly followed the link to here. I think if you are actually concerned about getting propositioned by random chicks, it might actually help to know let it be known around the web (of sites) that you are married. Because it'd probably help.

That being said, you probably sort of enjoy it. Who wouldn't want constant flattery?

When reading cracked i always wondered if the girls who were commenting under the videos were emailing you and DOB as well, now I know.

I think they would want to sleep with you in real life, aside from being funny you and Dan come across as genuinely nice people who would be fun to hang around with and that's what attracts the girls as well.

I have a question, has anyone every tracked either of you down and tried to proposition you face to face? Because you've admitted where you work so they probably could track you down (I'm not saying that in a stalkery way, I dont even live in America and promise I have never propositioned you on cracked)

Tall seems to be very important to many women and thats unfortunate bcoz its not really something you can help or change while women can change many aspects about them anyway yea some off thouse might be fakers or people just trying to get your attention to sell something also the real people who are doing that not all will fall tru so you are left with a small percent of honest people that will prob follow tru also yea i might be the videos and laughter joined together the gets our attention

I don't think I've ever offered sex to you on the internet (though there was that one time I asked for your hand in marriage, then again, in my defense, I thought you were a 19th century English lesbian), and I'm far too awkward to ever openly proposition you (or anyone, even on the internet) However, I probably could explain to you why I'm pretty sure you're attractive.

First of all, you're tall. I can't speak for most of the girls on the internet (primarily because they aren't real, am I right ladies?) but tall is pretty attractive. I freaking love to stand next to tall people, they fascinate me. If I ever become disgustingly rich, I plan on paying a fabulously tall prostitute to stand next to me at all times. Second of all, humor. In every bullshit girl magazine, humor is listed on what girls want and the like. We're not talking dumb jokes here, it's the wit. The wit does it. Also, you, in general, are a good looking human being (at least I think so, and as a stranger on the internet, you can take my word for it.) Also, I never knew that being on Cracked was considered being famous or anything, however, it's a pretty funny website. The attraction of Swaim however isn't "omg he's on the internet". In the end...aren't we all on the internet? The internet is basically making what Andy Warhol said about everyone being famous for fifteen minutes come true...except for during those fifteen minutes...most people are usually singing a song while on the toilet. Okay, I'm digressing.

In conclusion, I'd hit it, and I'd probably admit to hitting it to my friends the next day. So there's that.

A dude who can put himself out there, deliver a joke with good timing and plays dress up for videos...yay, is attractive. Girls like to laugh and they like confidence. Plus, you're not pimply (as far as I can tell) and that's always a bonus.

But, I'm guessing the David After Dentist kid has probably gotten more offers for sex then you because this is the Internet, home of sexually frustrated and perverted people. An email saying "I'd totally do you" is as common place as a cat with terrible grammar.

And by the by, how tall is freakishly tall?

Most of the attraction is probably purely because you're funny. Not to say you're not attractive, but hell,there's more than one sexy man on the internet. Amusing, intelligent guys? Those are rarer.

But the offers of sex, I would say, come primarily from the norms of male/female interaction. Men have never been coy in their assessment of women by sexual factors, and it is difficult for women to make overtures of friendship to men without this being seen as an issue. I'm sure that many of the women who offer sex would be terrified if you ever actually tried to touch them. They want to be friends, and don't know how else to express it. If a girl says to a guy 'lets go get some beers',it's hard to avoid the impression that she really means 'lick my tits'. so that's what some women start by saying, in the hope that it will give them an advantage in your esteem.

Not all of them, of course. Some of them are just weird.

Most of the attraction is probably purely because you're funny. Not to say you're not attractive, but hell,there's more than one sexy man on the internet. Amusing, intelligent guys? Those are rarer.

But the offers of sex, I would say, come primarily from the norms of male/female interaction. Men have never been coy in their assessment of women by sexual factors, and it is difficult for women to make overtures of friendship to men without this being seen as an issue. I'm sure that many of the women who offer sex would be terrified if you ever actually tried to touch them. They want to be friends, and don't know how else to express it. If a girl says to a guy 'lets go get some beers',it's hard to avoid the impression that she really means 'lick my tits'. so that's what some women start by saying, in the hope that it will give them an advantage in your esteem.

Not all of them, of course. Some of them are just weird.

I don't want to sex you up, but that's just me (The sexual prude). And I wouldn't do anything else but hang out with you (respect to your vows).

I guess some faceless woman attraction to a funny man online has to deal with the mystery. Some strange man on videos online, it's like those weird fantasies you have with some random man. It's thrilling, exciting, and totally erotic. Even I have felt that, but it was a webcomic artist, and I'm just a fan.

Quite possibly your babe magnet isn't as it should because maybe your pheromones aren't what the ladies desire? Smell is a powerful thing. I know I was once attracted to a guy because of the way he smelled. To me the smell was incredible, to other girls it wasn't so great. Even if you wear cologne or that Axe crap, your natural smells could be turning women off from you.

Or it's because you're short.

You're sexy and funny. It's really that simple dude.

I think it's not so much that you make videos, but you make really funny ones. In one fell swoop, we learn from the videos that you are a) cute, b) hilarious, c) intelligent, and d) hideously tall, which is very attractive. And d) nets you even more bonus points from tall girls like myself, because it's very difficult to be attracted to dudes who look at us like we're bigfoots when we tower over them in bare feet.

In any case, the videos are enough to display what you look like and your sense of humor, also that you're not afraid to laugh at yourself (apparently). Any one of these is potentially enough to hook a girl, but all three? It's like a man jackpot.

I can't speak for the rest of the internet, but yeah, I'd hit it for realsies. If you weren't married.

I should probably read the rest of the comments before replying but I'm just too excited about responding to a question pretty much directed at me. And there's too many (lots of women want to sleep with Swaim).
First of all, I have a boyfriend that I love, so I don't *really* like *actually* want to sleep with you or anything. But, like, if I did....

Making me laugh on a tiny screen is probably the most important thing, yeah. I'm convinced that you're really physically attractive but I honestly don't know if I would think it as much if I just saw you being boring without also being hilarious. I think it might really be the secret. Funny people are attractive even if they're not attractive. But I feel like comedy's something you gotta be born with. Some people try really hard and they can't do it. But you can do it. Effortlessly, it seems.
Also, internet celebrity thing seems true too. I know you're no Carrot Top or anything but I still somehow got extremely excited when you responded to a message from me on cracked, when you replied to two of my, uh, 'tweets' (I only got twitter so I could follow you.), and when you used one of my suggestions in your article? holy crap!... I have a dumb fantasy about making funny internet videos and sending them to you and you even liking them a little bit. I find myself not wanting you to get any more popular so that the chances of communicating with you more don't go down.
Wow, I sound like a crazy person. Just trying to spell out thoughts, really. See, I just get obsessed with people once in awhile. Currently, I decided to be obsessed with Michael Swaim and read everything he's written, watch anything he's made, and learn what I can about him from the internet. Is that a crazy person thing to do? I'd like to know. Maybe it would seem less crazy if you were a bigger celebrity. But I think you deserve to be. You're funnier than almost anybody.
Also, you have a great voice. It just works so well with what you do (you know, deliver lines with proper comedic timing or whatever)
Anyway, my boyfriend thinks I have horrible taste in men (pretty goofy I guess. michael ian black, for example. he doesn't understand that. i don't understand not understanding that. there you go.), so maybe my opinion doesn't mean much.
Also, I think someone else mentioned height. Big plus. I would never date someone shorter than me.

Anyway.....yeah. In short: you're funny and that's probably the biggest thing, i think you're extremely attractive but who knows why i think some people are attractive, and....i guess that's it. the rest was me explaining how i'm obsessed with you.

Anyway, maybe I'm crazy but apparently I'm not the only one. Are you not happy about this? Some people have just awful personalities and it doesn't seem like they can do anything about it. People with good intentions and kind hearts that everyone just hates. You're loved by hundreds, at least! I think you're lucky.

i forgot to also say that i haven't "propositioned" you! that would be so silly!

No, well not because you're internet famous. I personally would because you're really funny, handsome, and tall. You seem like a nice guy and your wife is a lucky woman.

Yeah. I've left comments like that on Cracked and I mean it. Funny and adorable? What's not to love?
Then again, if it came down to picking between you and DOB, I might simply explode from the impossibility of the choice.

I think its cos you're funny and nice, but they probably wouldnt actually go thru with it, its just a fantasy

wow, that's a lot of responses in 2 days...
being a male, i can't say too much on t wanting to have sex with you
I would say that I would wanna have a coffee with ya, but that's the end of it.
also, maybe in brackets having PLAYYYYA in yer name would be kinda cool.
let the ladies know where you stand.

it's because you're a feminist, swaim. that's why i'd twist you up into a pretzel and have my way with you....or....i mean....what?....nothing!

on the serious - you're a fairly liberal thinking droid, who sneaks slices of insight into your videos. insightful liberals always pique interest among women because we want to believe you're not the type to feed us a pick up line at a bar. that's why you're on guyspeak. and you really do have a velvety voice; it's very calming. and paradoxically, self deprecation shows a lot of confidence when executed properly. i don't like that you're getting boiled down to funny, famous, and tall, but all that means is you're able to excentuate your strengths the way people in real life can't. although, i'm not sure how everyone knew you were tall prior to you saying it in this article, considering you're always sitting on the internet. you have the advantage of defining and refining what kind of comedian you want to be/portray, and you have days to edit and proof read your advice so you can sound exactly like the person you want us to know. it's a bit difficult to do that in real life. believe me, i've tried. in real life, sometimes jokes fall flat and sometimes you don't pick your words well. this is why you are so attractive on the internet. your editing and comedic timing. and you use big words, and you're a freaking poet. mrs. swaim's a lucky lady.

so why are women all of the sudden attracted to you now and not back in high school? it's the anonymity of the internet. just like you, we also get to be who ever we want to be on the internet. we can express our ids, we can say things that we'd never dare to say on the street. women can express their sexual attraction without being labeled or called names. women can proposition you for sex without worrying about rejection because you're just beyond our grasp to not hurt our feelings if you said no, but close enough that we can have some interaction. your interaction and accessibility is fodder for our fantasies. for real. as for their sincerity - if you were EXACTLY the same person in real life as your online persona, then i wouldn't dismiss them as empty offers. but assuming you are a little bit different in real life, i'd only subtract a handful of the offers as insincere. like i said, you're voice is charming. you could read a phonebook and i'd get what the kids are calling a 'wettie.' ...i mean... what?

you also have really nice hands.

I've never done anything that could be interpreted as 'propositioning' you, Swaim, but I will cop to leaving joking "Have my internet babies!" comments on one or two of DOB's articles. I assume you're talking about stuff a little more serious than that. (Someone TEXTED you?!)

In any case, for me one of the most attractive things is how much you guys clearly love what you do, how much fun you have, how proud you are of the finished product. Again, can't speak for anyone else, but cynicism and the tendency certain people have to sneer at and criticize everything (while doing nothing themselves) are huge turnoffs. Sincere enthusiasm for your work, on the other hand... major attractive quality. Everyone wants someone with a talent/passion for something, it makes you interesting. And maybe girls think the guy will be just as enthusiastic and complimentary about his girl, I dunno.

If you're asking why this attraction would lead to women propositioning a complete stranger, well... evolution society the internet anonymity fame blah blah blah. In fantasizing about a stranger, a women projects their dream personality onto the object and then falls in love with that. (Embarrassing story that I would never admit to if not for anonymity: I once had a totally romantic falling-in-love dream involving DOB that left me all giddy for a good few hours afterwards. But I've had the same dream starring a number of other people, so obviously it isn't actually to do with Daniel O'Brien, the dude living in California. It just happens when I'm lonely/getting over a breakup/watching too many romantic comedies/etc.)

Re: being (internet) famous- I guess it isn't that your fame makes you more attractive in itself, but that women feel more comfortable fantasizing about you because hey, you've already put yourself out there for public consumption, so it isn't like they're creeping around their neighbor's bushes taking candid photos.

P.S. People are actually USING THE COMMENTS SECTION OF THIS ARTICLE TO PERPETUATE THE PROBLEM. I'm not surprised, but I am amused.

I'm totally a fangirl, I think you're totally rad, but I don't wanna sleep with you. I just REALLY wanna get high or drunk and watch Arrested Development with you and Abe. I think that'd be the best hangout ever.

Okay. I admit it. I totally want to make sweet love to you(r eyebrows).

Sue me. I have an eyebrow thing. I'd like the rest of you if you weren't so freakishly tall.

Meanwhile... Is DOB single? ;D

I think a lot of what is written above is valid; the articles and videos you post on portray the funniest side of you and chicks totally dig funny things. We don't ever have to see all the bad stuff.

Another thing I've found is that the funniest people I know are the nerdy, shy ones. That's not to say the alpha-male type guys are never funny. It just seems that the non-alpha-males had to actually work on their personalities and and learn how to tickle people's funny bones.

Anywho, that's my two cents.

as an actor and comedian, i don't think you're very funny at all. the pacing of your vids is extraordinarily slow and tedious, and the acting is really strained. but on the ups, you're cute and i'd sleep with you.

I confess. I've done it, that sex-proposition thing. ^_^ On, I think, Episode 19 of Cracked TV on youtube. And you know what,? Like 20 people thumbs upped it too. :D (That was before I realised about the marriage you've got going on there. Whoops.)

Not that it's a completely serious proposition, (though it is only haaaalf joking...) cause you know it's just the internet, and nothing has any consequence here. :) But at the same time, I'll be damned if I meet interesting people that do cool shit like you do on a day to day basis.

Also, the problem with RealLife is that the girls there can be skankalicious. And mean. And into that burly jock thing. Blech. Whereas, we stay at homey type interent addicts, well, we like the funny. And the witty. And the geek-handsome. And the thought-provoking while gasping with laughter. But we don't come out to play as often as the "normies" (though I'm sure we all know how to strut our funky thang when needs must) so there's less confirmation that yes, indeed, you do have a refreshing brand of sexiness, appreciated by many many internet ladies, some of whom may not even have cats.

Short version: You are very fuckable. No direspect intended to the missus. :)

I've never propositioned you via internet. I'm only 17 so I think I'm probably not allowed to proposition anyone via internet.

Personally, I love funny guys. I spend half my time watching comedy shows and following stupid blogs online because I love laughing. And you come of as kind of cocky and snarky. Not all girls are into that, but it gets me going. I'm very sarcastic, too and I love a guy that can keep up with me.

That said, you're pretty cute. And your videos make me laugh a lot. I wouldn't have sex with you, but mostly because I wouldn't want to land you in jail. You'd have a hard time producing quality comedy material getting butt raped every day. But then again, maybe you'd discover you like it and you could launch a profitable career in gay porn.

But Seth Meyers.... well I'd be willing to take the risk for Seth Meyers. Yum.

Well, seeing as you've surpassed your 15 minutes of internet fame, to which we really would've rather that the Jonas Brothers hadn't, you're pretty much out there on the internet. For all to see, forgoing maybe some areas in China. That means people, at home, of all kinds.......even those with the utilizing pig foot, while hoola hooping, in a fuzzy outfit fetishists. There's some weird people out there. I know, I see face to face the strangest bartending each night. Oh the stories!

Having been in the bartending business for years, we'd generally like to refer to these as, get ready for it, "stalkers". These are people for one reason or another identify with you, and to small degree of them identifying with you equates "Omg, we're soulmates!!! Mom, get the basement cage prepared! I'm bringing home a husband!" Which to the rest of us soundly minded would equate the 7th Saw increment.

Now, I'm not saying anything bad about your humor, your looks, or whatever. A huge tip 'o the hat to you sir. I'm just not personally one to fall in love with an internet persona. Cuddling with my computer monitor would probably be a tad uncomfortable.

But, to those that do, always remember...Fran Drescher is watching you.

A man falls in love through his eyes... a woman falls in love through her ears.

In the immortal words of Dr. John Zoidberg (M.D): "Now look what you've done. She won't shut up!"

A "LITTLE self serving?" LOL. Riiight. So, yeah, that's a little wacky. No I wouldn't sleep with someone who made me laugh on the intertube, but would totally with someone who made me laugh in real life cause there's just nothing sexier!

With THAT said, I'm an intertube column junkie, & there are definitely writers I follow closely (whose work I'd be lost without & who I would probably get all blushy & dumb in front of were I able to run into them in the flesh). You can't really underestimate how influential you are as a published writer, & the contributions you make to people's lives or void you fill for them (in my case it's usually the big brother I don't have who will give it to me honest where guys & relationships are concerned or the type of guy I would be dating if I had the nerve) - you know, stuff like that.

Now granted, the women you speak of seem a little skankier, but same idea, I think! You give em something they don't have in their "real" life.

Why do women love you Swaim?
You are just as hilarious/witty/sharp in person as you are in your videos [although you also make a lot of corny jokes that you inherited from your dad]

You are a feminist/open-minded/progressive thinker

You are a genius [1600 sat]

You are handsome and tall and make me feel small and petite

you cook, you clean the house all the time, you make the bed.

You are a rockstar in bed

You are extremely kind, hard-working and all-around beautiful person, with a heart of gold, and it is no surprise to me that you get so many comments from fans....Essentially you ARE the perfect man... and you have made me a better person

I am a very lucky person to have stayed with my high-school sweetheart who was at one time super pimply and 50 pounds heavier and also wore a shirt that said "so many books, so little time..."
...what a great return on THAT investment...

I'll admit I only read about half of the comments, but this needed to be said. I'm in no way famous on the internet, but I still regularly receive creepy sexual prepositions on places like Myspace and things. Not to burst your (admittedly attractive) bubble or anything, but it's not just you. I think the appeal for very few of those women (if any) involved supposed internet "fame". You're putting us all in very shallow placeholders there.

I do agree however that it probably has a lot more to do with our penchant for humour, awkwardly charming good looks (awkward is more win than you'd think for some girls - especially us of the gamer variety), and the cleverness of some of your stuff.

Also I've never (nor do I plan to) prepositioned you, despite sending you an admiring twitter @mention thingy which basically just said I think you're hilarious. My interest in you purely lies in the fact that I would love to work for Cracked, or make awesome videos like Games Conference 1970-whatever. Your humourous witty comments make me laugh. I'm impressed, but i'm also inspired.

PS. If you're still confused about why you're receiving more sexual attention on the internet as opposed to in the real world beforehand I recommend you watch Real Life vs The Internet on Red vs Blue. Everyone knows that the internet is more blunt. Not everyone that passes you in the street and thinks you're cool or attractive is going to actually TELL you. Same rules on the internet? Not so much...

^ Incidentally, my original point about the fact that I also receive prepositions was me trying to make the point that the internet is a creepy, creepy place, I wasn't trying to make myself out to be some sort of stud muffin ;p

As my roommate has explained it, after we had spent quite some time swooning over videos on Cracked.com, you're "that fantastic blend of witty/charismatic/goofy/adorable/hot." Shame about the whole married and living-on-the-other-side-of-the-country thing. So what's DOB doing these days?

This happened to me too! I take online classes at the university and I've been hit on in their a few times, while I can't even get anyone to talk to me when I'm physically on campus. One guy even asked me to go to Vegas with him, and I've never even seen or met him. I think the internet does funny things to people, some people seem so witty and fun on the internet, but then in person you might think they are completely strange. For you, I think the reason is that girls love funny guys, and you are also quite a handsome young man..don't worry I'm not hitting on you haha. AND, you give advice to chicks via the internet, and most girls will fall head over heels for a guy who seems to care and be more mature than guys we know in real life.

Oh, and I just read the comment that seems to be posted by your wife, and I have to say that was one of the sweetest things I've heard in a long time

I have met a lot of guys. Like, a lot. Through college, University, I've dated, I join social clubs, societies... Literally none of them are the way your wife described you as, even just from the first two points.

I'm sure that's through rose-tinted specs, but still.

I'm stuck with a man-child for a partner. We're in love, but meh. There's so much I want from a relationship that he just doesn't give. I cook, I clean, I ... whatever. Point is,not many people have what you do.

Man, I'm so late on this. Here's a couple of points I didn't see made in the miasma of "no, dude, it's true, you're pretty fuckable" above:

1. As far as comments go, most commenters - the good kind, anyway - want to be funny. I attempted to make a proposition comment on one of the AoC videos (didn't because I didn't feel like making an account), but only because some witty phrasing popped into my mind. That's not to say the propositions are all false - just that a good portion of them may be both true and said with the intention to be funny.

2. I had something to say about your particular bangability, but as soon as you said you were married, any ladyboner I had wilted into nothingness, completely without any cognitive intent from me. And if that's your wife commenting upthread, goddamn, she's rad, and that makes it worse. You seem like you'd make an awesome friend, but I now have no desire to bang you. So instead, I will change the subject a half-turn.

Yes, I absolutely would have sex with Dan O'Brien. If I knew him, I would make every tactful, socially acceptable attempt to get him into bed and keep him there for at least an hour, maybe two. Sometimes it really is that simple, you know? None of this stuff about anonymity, social interaction, internet blah blah. Sometimes a guy is attractive (/smart/funny), and a girl just wants to make out with him naked. It's not that hard. Er. Difficult.

If we were discussing, say, Felicia Day from The Guild getting propositioned on video comments, well - no, actually, we would never be having that discussion, because she's hot and of course they proposition her. Women are not that different from men. It may be that guys just say "you're hot" and girls make it a little more personal with "I would totally have sex with you," though.

Maybe. But I'm a skank. Tell me I'm pretty while sipping margaritas and I'm yours. Regardless of internet videos.

Also, we are biologically hardwired to go after the male who sets himself above the rest. You are set above the rest by having an actual job, make cool videos that make us laugh, and just from being so darn adorable. I know you could save me from that saber tooth tiger.

You're sexy, handsome and funny and you give excellent advice. What is there for a girl not to like about you? And I think you're a perfect height for me.

Its because you're funny and a dweeb, in the nicest possible way... and hot, brutally hot.

It's not a mystery as to why you are attractive.
1. Funny videos online, posted regularly
1(a). A woman finds videos, watches as regularly.
2. Woman becomes attracted to antic disposition (girls love Hamlet, apparently).
3.Regular views, internet celebrity and vague attraction clusterfuck to create illusive quality.
3(b). Illusive quality breeds meta-attraction (well beyond petty human attraction).
4. Woman proposes sex

You acting like a jack-ass in a tiny box has little to do with it. Your humor is the foundation for the attraction but the illusive quality is probably what makes women go ape-shit.
Also, I kinda thought I was the only one who had an internet crush on you. Damn.

Mike, I really don't think you have much of a right to ask this question seeing as you've done a pretty bad job of letting the internet female population know you have a wife. I've been following Cracked & TAM! for a long time now, and this is the first I've heard of her. If you were to somehow make this clear, I'd be willing to bet the propositions would go down, well....at least a little.

She may disagree, but if I were in your wife's position, I might appreciate at least some kind of acknowledgment and/or shoutout once in a while, just so random female internet stalkers wouldn't be propositioning my husband for sex every day.....as much.

Oh man, the only reason I found this site was from a link from Those Aren't Muskets, and the only reason I found that was from cracked, which is where I fell madly in love with you, Michael. Not in a “proposition you for sex” way (mainly because you’re married and that just ain’t cool), but in a “I’ve spent entirely too much of my recent life listening to/reading/watching you” kind of way. And it’s because you’re smart, funny, and goddamn awesome. (Did I mention that you are fucking awesome?) And apparently humble (or at the very least, confused), which is also endearing.
On that note, I am less (but similarly) in love with DOB. So maybe it's just Agents of Cracked that did it for me...

On top of the many other things mentioned above (by the way, you're wife is adorable, I'm sure you know), I believe you also represent a recent epidemic in what women find attractive. It seems like, recently, we've all become attracted to a specific type of guy. Scientifically speaking, I'm referring to the "awkward, funny, nerdy type." And you, my friend, might just be the face of this epidemic, along with other illustrious individuals like Simon Pegg, Seth Green, and Star Wars Kid. Or to put it in words you may be better equipped to understand: all our base are belong to you.

I think its your Star Trek rap that does it for them. ;þ

Chicks dig funny guys. Swaim, you are hilarious, and not ogre hideous, those are about the only two things a girl takes into account when she meets a guy.

Yes I would definately sleep with you and so would my husband. Who is even more freakishly tall at 6ft 6. Your'e funny and cute. Doesn't really take much else.. women are actually simple creatures though we do much to mask this point. And yes, we have propositioned you before. It's a compliment... call us x

wow...so many comments....you're probably not even interested anymore. but my answer would be no. but i can understand why some people would. i would say that the allure would be that they know who you are. you've been in videos on cracked and muskets and the videos are funny so ppl have been exposed to you for at least a little time and mostly its been positive. but more than that, your a writer. what is writing if not expressing yourself and your ideas to people? what makes it difficult is that while your fans feel like they're really getting to know you, it is strictly a one way thing. i think you're readers get attached to you mentally, especially on sites like this where you're responding to us individually.

personally, im a huge fan of yours. i follow you on cracked and muskets and any other outlets i find. it really brightens my day to read or watch your hilarious antics online. =) its kind of like that attachment you get for characters in a book, you know? why do some movies tug at your heartstrings? because as a bystander, you feel a connection to this person even when you understand that they dont feel one with you. i guess i just feel like some people take it too far. kind of like the girls who read twilight and expect to find edward cullen. and thats why my answer is no. because its fine to read the book and like it (or watch your sketches and like them) but dont start fantasizing about the characters/actors.

also i've never propositioned you.....i think this is only my second comment on a post ever because mostly i figure that ppls comments piss you off. with so many "you're awesome"s out there, why would i add another?

I'm not generally the sort of person who crushes on 'celebrities', not since I was eleven and had a thing for Patrick Swayze. You're just different... you're funny and you seem really friendly; I'd cut off my left hand for a guy like you and that is my important, useful hand. Anyway, don't go changing.

Vous êtes beaux et je vous aime

I would have sex with you in a heart beat. You're incredibly funny, and I just love all of your videos. And I also love that you can come to a site like this and be really insightful and show a more sensitive side. Plus you're just really hot in my opinion. So yeah, I'm propositioning you, and you can bring the wife with too, I'd so be down with that to get my hands on you!!!!

Oh my God, you got a 1600 on your SAT's???!!! Take me now.
No, seriously, I've always had a thing for smart and ultra-funny guys. Sarcasm is a major turn-on. Plus you are a cutey (and I mean that in the best possible way).
When I read your wife's glowing post, all I could think was Aaawwww. Of course, since I am now aware you are happily married, I'm not such an outrageous flirt with you; wouldn't want to step on any toes or cause trouble.
Now I think of you as a hot male BFF who just happens to be unavailable, but still able to give good advice wrapped in a laugh.
Don't sell yourself short, Michael. Apparently you ARE hot. But you're also taken. Sigh...

I like tall, funny, geeky guys who are intelligent, savvy writers who don't take themselves too seriously and can talk about comics, obscure movies, and Star Trek. (Next Gen).
Mystery solved!