How do guys feel about fake nails, fake hair, fake girls? How should you handle a guy hanging with his ex? How do you stop crying? How do you stop your roommate's shower sex? How much sex is enough for one marriage? And how in the heck do guys handle their weird anatomy? It's a how-to edition of GuySpeak Best of the Week!
Mystery Man says:
The old story of mismatched sex drives and expectations, eh? There are guys who are comfortable with sex 2 to 4 times per day. We even have a name for them: Addicts.
There was an extensive study of sexual frequency carried out in the UK, which was reported on in The Times which found that a surprising 18% of adults do not have sex at all! Shocking considering that sex is the one thing pretty much every guy lies about.
As for frequency, well, everyone is different, though the study suggests that once a month to once a year is far more common than once a day to once a week. So 2 to 4 times a week is already putting you ahead of a good 90% of the population.
One factor she may not be considering is what is informally known as the three year rule, a rule of thumb for couples in a relationship. Sexual frequency roughly halves for every three years the couple is together. It is a little bit sad when you start wistfully looking back at how it used to be, but it is also normal.
Gal Pal says:
Take-away message? Have extraordinary amounts of sex early in the relationship, so as the frequency halves over time you'll still be getting plenty o' action. As for the couple in question, sounds like they need an honest and respectful heart-to-heart about their needs and expectations. Both partners should be willing to compromise on how often they'll put each other in a compromising position.
Reformed Player says:
Yeah, I can understand why you'd find that exhausting. Although your boyfriend comes off as kind of a douche here, it must be said.
Either way, the best thing to do is see a counselor to talk about strategies to deal with negative emotions. I'm taking a guess here, but I'm betting that back when you were very little, crying helped stop whatever made you upset, and on some level, your brain still has that filed away as a go-to strategy.
Also, as New Agey as this sounds, meditation and centered breathing help a lot. Finally, speaking from personal experience, something else that REALLY helps is to put the problem into context, especially if you're as ploddingly methodical and logical as I am. If you get the sense something is starting to upset you, ask yourself a few questions. Is this really a serious problem, or just a minor inconvenience? Can I resolve this at another time? Will it really be a problem for me, or just an annoyance? It really does help. Good luck!
Gal Pal says:
In college, I used to blush uncontrollably whenever my crush entered the dining hall. It was absolutely mortifying. I eventually learned that a big drink of water and some calming visualization helped stop my blush in its tracks. (Also, learning that the dude was gay. That's always a good cure.) But I agree with one of the commenters that your hormones might be wreaking havoc on you, particularly if feel overwhelmed by emotions and tears. Have you started or stopped taking birth control recently? It might be worth a stop in your doctor's office to make sure your lady chemicals are all in balance. And Dan's right, deep breathing and "checking in" with yourself are crucial strategies for taking charge of a situation and your emotional response.
Chic Geek says:
Unless the guy is literally hung like a horse, this isn't really a problem. What makes us not crush Bill and Ted (or Huey and Dewey, Harold and Kumar, Beavis & Butthead, Big & Rich, etc.) when we sit down? I'm gonna go with common sense. We don't sit with our legs squeezed together like we're a four-year-old who has to pee. You give the boys a little space to breathe.
As for running or anything other athletic activity, there are jock straps if we need them. Most of the time, we don't. But it's the same thing with you and sports bras. Sometimes you need a little support. Like the Principal said in Grease, "If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter." Grease is the word!
Gal Pal says:
This is why I love GuySpeak. Not only great dating advice, but free anatomy lessons! Thanks for the info, Hall & Oates.
Wise-Ass says:
Can you blame her? Shower sex is fun. Some people also think it's more private since the sound of their dirty business is drowned out by the water, though in your case they must be mistaken, since you always seem to know when they're doing the deed in there.
Just out of curiosity, what exactly grosses you out about it? Do they leave behind evidence of their activities? I would think hot running water would take care of that kind of thing, no?
Maybe it's just the guy in me, but I don't see the big deal unless you step in something every time you shower after they've had sex. I know what they're doing isn't 100% sanitary, but neither is the dirt and sweat and funk that washes off your body and onto the shower floor as you bathe. Are you grossed out by the fact that she washes her armpits and lady bits and butt crack in there, too? I guess I'm not sure I see the diff. Do you share a toilet with this woman? Is that any different?
I don't know how you can get her to stop. It's her shower, too, and she obviously feels like she has the right to diddle in it despite your protests. You can, however, ask her to scrub and sanitize the shower after every tryst. Would that be a reasonable compromise? If not, you might need to look for a new roommate. Sounds like they are having a good old time in there and have no intentions of stopping.
Gal Pal says:
You can't hurry love and you can't hurry shower sex. It's just the way of the world. What you can do is find a new roommate. Or a sexy guy to show you the irresistible draw of a removable faucet and slippery tiles.
Funny Guy says:
If you ask the average dude, "Timmy, do you like a girl with fake eyelashes/fake nails/ hair extensions?" they will say "no". But you're asking if they like the look -- that's a trickier answer. Guys dig girls with nice long eyelashes, manicured nails and banging hair, but aren't necessarily aware of how these looks come to be. Like toddlers, guys can be ignorant in this regard and assume the "hottie stork" just makes you that way.
In other words, most men would be surprised to find out your lashes aren't real or your hair is actually that of an11-year-old Bangladeshi girl, but none the less, they like the look.
This is of course if you're going for a look that borders on reality. But if your nails are 11 inches long, you have blue braids and stick on lashes longer than Nicki Minaj at a backup dancers coming out party, you're going for something different. "A look," maybe even a make-believe look. Guys can spot that from across the room. Some definitely dig it; they swarm to it and couldn't care less if your look comes from your Mom's genes or your Dad's credit card. But note: I think there is a regional, cultural and ethnic component to all of this too. What goes for "the look" in a Dominican neighborhood in Washington Heights NY, might not play in Allentown PA, Athens, Georgia or Athens, Greece.
Regardless, stay true to yourself - attract yourself before trying to attract others. And remember that old saying. "Beauty is in the eyelash of the owner"
Gal Pal says:
As Dolly Parton says, "It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen." The great thing about fake eyelashes, fake nails and fake hair is that you can give them a try and see how the "fake" you goes over with guys. If you feel weird, or they seem weirded out, you can always unglue, unclip and unfake yourself the next day. There's no harm in trying something that makes you feel your most beautiful and confident. Just make sure you have a good explanation ready in case part of fake you falls off in the middle of a make-out.
Girls' BFF says:
Hmm...good question. I think that the best way to approach is to do it without trying to manipulate him into telling you. Look, you know they saw eachother. You know he didn't tell you. He knows that's probably an issue and still decided not to tell you.
He'll tell you that he didn't tell you because it's not a big deal because he loves you and nothing happened with her.
Which is all probably true. But the issue here is the principle. And that's the approach you take. You ask him about what you saw and ask him why he didn't tell you he saw his ex of five years. If they're still friends, and you're okay with that, he should be able to tell you this without issue.
So why not mention it? It seems like something is going on even if nothing is, which is why it bothers you. Let him know that it made you feel some kind of way that he wouldn't let you know that because you would let him know just to ensure that he didn't have any feelings if he were to find out later, which is what happens. It's a common courtesy you extend to people you love and care about.
You just have to be real straight up but also not lose all of your cool about it if and when he says some crap that is non-sensical. That's how the convo will tank. But you definitely have cause to bring it up, just make sure you're open to a convo and not just trying to yell. If he loves you, he'll know he made a mistake and ensure that you believe he won't do it again.
Gal Pal says:
Tough spot. I'd definitely think carefully (and even write down) the exact way you plan to broach the subject with your BF. You can even practice the conversation in advance with a friend. Be direct, but try to keep calm and rational. Ask him why he neglected to mention this Chi-town ex visit and tell him how it makes you feel. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.
That's it for this week. Thanks for playing, guys and girls!
My boyfriend and I just got back together a few months ago, after being broke up for a year. A lot happened in that year, and I can't seem to stop obsessing over his past. He was with a girl for a few months and it drives me insane to think about (i'm not crazy). While we were broke up for the year, after living together for a year, we were still trying to work thinkgs out, and he hid this other girl from me the whole time til i found out and blew his cover. He says he was escaping from our drama and being with her (flying to omaha to see her) helped him escape reality and forget about his problems. My fear is that my obsessing over this whole situation will drive us apart, i love him very much but it's making me crazy. He hasn't done anything since all of this and he swears he realized what he has with me and will never hurt me again. How do i let go of the past and focus on the future?????
Raquel, get over it or you will lose him. The past is the past, he's with you now, so move forward otherwise it will be the end.